Better Off Divorced

by Marianne Hansen

  “Where are you?” I asked.

  “I’m actually entering your home. Say hi Paul.” I heard Paul yell “hi” in the background. “Paul was very nice to let me in. Paul’s now heading back to the couch to watch Netflix and I'm headed to the kitchen. Can you tell?” I heard what sounded like pots and pans banging each other. “I’m making dinner.”

  I drove into the grocery store parking lot. “Okay. I’m here. I'll text you when I'm heading home.”

  “Perfect. I'll have dinner ready for you when you get back.”

  “Is all of this going to change when we get married or do you promise to make dinner for the rest of your life?”

  “I promise I will always make dinner for you when you have a cheese emergency.”” He whispered something to James.

  “I’ll take it. I love you.” He reciprocated the sentiment and we hung up. I grabbed my purse and headed into the store.

  As I walked in, I tried to remember the last party I’d thrown. It had to have been James’ most recent birthday party. Paul and Tyler didn’t want traditional parties anymore. They wanted to “hang” with their friends and have cake and food. I'd hired Spider-Man to come to James's last party. I wondered if the reunion could use Spider-Man. The one I’d hired had been really good.

  No one was at the cheese counter when I got there. I searched my emails to see if Rebecca had ever told me how many people had RSVP’d. I hadn’t realized how much Rebecca emailed me until I had to comb through them. I also hadn’t realized how many I neglected to read. I needed to improve my advisory role.

  None of the emails had a subject line dealing with either the number of attendees or cheese and I didn’t want to take the time to go through every email. I decided to glance at the last three. Two gave general details about what she had done so far. The third one was of a more personal nature.

  Rebecca had emailed me questions about her future. It had only been five years, but Rebecca still doubted whether she’d accomplished enough. She wondered if any of her classmates were already successful and if she’d feel pressure to be liked and popular again. I hadn’t replied. I’d like to excuse my lack of engagement with how busy I was with kids and work and Simon and laundry, but those weren’t good enough excuses. She was going through the same things I had at her age. Back then I longed for someone who would listen to my questions, and I knew I should be that person for Rebecca. I wondered if having answers to those questions mattered. Maybe my life would’ve turned out differently if I’d had my questions answered.

  I was mentally berating myself when a man emerged from a back room and asked me what I wanted. I just stared at him, lost in my thoughts. He asked again and I snapped out of it.

  “I need to order cheese platters for Saturday,” I said.

  “How many?” The man asked. He had on a black hat and red shirt. Everyone who worked here was wearing a black hat and red shirt. The small-town vibe was one of the reasons I liked this store. I would’ve liked it even more if the man could have guessed how many I needed.

  “I’m not entirely sure. How many would you recommend if I had seven meat platters?” I leaned against the glass and looked at the deli equipment as if there’d be an answer back there. Maybe a chart of meat to cheese ratio.

  “You want seven meat platters?” he asked.

  “No. I have seven meat platters ordered all ready.”

  He grabbed a black binder and opened it to the last page. “What’s your name and what was the order under?”

  “I mean, I didn’t order the meat platters here. They’re coming from somewhere else.”

  The deli worker didn’t look very happy at that.

  “How big are the platters ordered from somewhere else?”

  “I don’t know. Isn’t there just a general platter size?”

  I could tell he was getting frustrated. “Here, yes. Nationally, no. I can assume if you’ve ordered seven, you’re getting a lot of meat. Generally, people use more meat than cheese, so I'd order five if I were you.”

  “But don’t some people make cheese sandwiches?” I liked cheese sandwiches.

  “Yeah, but more people make just meat sandwiches.”

  He sounded pretty definite, so I took him on his word. And if I were being honest, I didn’t really care. I still wasn’t completely invested in this reunion. I had to make sure nothing went wrong, but I didn’t think a lack of cheese fell into this category. Making sure no one got hurt or lit anything on fire was more my job.

  “Perfect,” I said. “I would like to order five platters of cheese.”

  “For Saturday?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “We need payment now.”

  “You do?” Rebecca had the expense account information. I looked at my phone. I thought about my options and realized I didn’t have any. I handed over my credit card. At least I’d get some airline miles from this. As long as my card wasn’t rejected.

  5

  I entered into my cozy kitchen and found Simon cooking dinner. My automatic-Simon-smile appeared along with a feeling of contentedness. I️ walked up behind him and kissed him on the cheek.

  “This is the best thing I’ve seen all day.” I squeezed his shoulders.

  He leaned back into me but kept stirring the ground beef. “Hey. What about at lunch? I looked pretty good then too.”

  I smelled the back of his neck. “That’s true. You did. But you look even sexier in my Wonder Woman apron, cooking dinner.”

  “That reminds me. You need a more manly apron here. If I’m going to keep cooking dinner once we’re married, I need to be able to maintain my dignity.”

  I walked around the island to face Simon. “Doesn’t every boy think the Wonder Woman bustier is sexy?” I asked.

  “Yes, of course.” He started shredding carrots. “But not to actually wear it themselves.”

  “What are you making?” I picked up an extra carrot and bit it.

  “Spaghetti bolognaise.”

  “With carrots?” I ate another carrot. “Do the kids know you're doing this?”

  “I told Tyler and assumed the others would come and ask if they wanted to know.” He took the ground beef out of the pan and added olive oil and onions. After about a minute, he added celery.

  “You should never assume with teenagers. It’s always a very bad thing.” I pulled out a stool, sat down, and dumped my bag on the counter. “But I trust you, and that should be enough. And if it isn’t then I got your back.”

  He added the carrots. “I appreciate it.” He looked at my bag. “How did things go after I left?”

  “I changed lives.”

  “Really?” He opened two cans of diced tomatoes and added them.

  “Eighty percent chance.”

  “What are you teaching?” He added the meat back in.

  “Shakespeare,” I said. I looked at my bag while I talked. “I’m making everyone memorize a sonnet of their choosing. And everyone has to memorize Sonnet 18 as well.”

  “You’re a taskmaster.” He added tomato paste and stirred everything together. “I only memorized one sonnet and that was in college.”

  “Kids are more advanced now,” I said. “And they spend a lot of time using electronics instead of their brains. They hate me because I make everyone turn in their phones before class.” I shrugged. “I’m okay with that.” I took another bite of carrot.

  “I find it hard to believe everyone hates you. Of course, you could always start giving out chocolate every Friday.” He turned the heat down. “Okay. This is finished enough to eat. Where are the boys?”

  I walked to the basement stairs. “Paul, Tyler and James! Get up here for dinner please.”

  I went to my bedroom to take off my shoes, and then returned to the kitchen. My house wasn’t very big, but it was mine. John and I had moved into it with Paul and Tyler three years before Trampy Trudy decided John was meant for her. I loved how the house sat back from the road and was surrounded on three sides by trees. It wa
s like I️ had a private forest where I could hide and raise my wild boys. When I had to buy John out of it, I️ was glad it hadn’t been any bigger. I’d had to call in every favor I️ had with friends and family to come up with the money. I never figured out why he’d wanted me out of the house so bad. It felt like he had wanted to hurt me as completely as possible. He seemed to forget it would hurt the kids. It was their home too.

  I always walked into the house through the garage, so the kitchen became my favorite room, even though I️ didn’t like to cook. I decorated it like an old farmhouse with red and white checkered cloth and chickens all over. The kitchen table stood between the kitchen and the living room. Originally, I️ hadn’t liked how the kitchen table seemed to be half in the living room, but then I️ decided I enjoyed how I️ could sit on the sofa reading while keeping an eye on the boys doing their homework. The living room was boring except for the red, plush chair I️’d bought right after the divorce to alter the house with minimal money. The only kind thing John had done was leave me with the furniture. He hadn’t asked for half of its worth either. Probably because it wasn't worth much, but it had still been a small mercy.

  I opened the cabinet next to the sink and took out five plates and placed them next to the stove along with five cups and forks.

  “Will we need anything besides forks?” I asked. “Is there any bread or peas or soup or anything that needs a knife or spoon?”

  “This is a one dish dinner,””replied Simon. He dished out some spaghetti and sauce on a plate and handed to me. “Mi’lady.” He bowed.

  “Why thank you kind sir.” I took the plate from him and sat at the table.

  Simon dished some out for himself and joined me as the boys sauntered in.

  “What is this?” James asked. “It looks healthy. Is it healthy?” He picked at the sauce with the serving spoon. “Are those carrots?”

  “Just take some and get out of the way,” Tyler said as he hit James with his hip to push him over. “I’m hungry.”

  “Hey,” James whined. “I wasn’t finished with that yet.” He tried to push back over, but Tyler muscled him out.

  “It’s healthy, remember?” Tyler said. “You don't like healthy stuff.”

  James pushed him again.

  “Cut it out,” Paul said. “We have a guest.”

  “Who?” James filled a plate and sat down next to me. “I just see us and Simon. And Simon isn't a guest. He made dinner. You don't make a guest cook dinner. Even I know that. Plus, he's marrying Mom. Doesn't that mean he's gonna live here? We shouldn't let strangers live with us. Ever heard of Stranger-Danger?”

  Paul rolled his eyes. “Well, cut it out anyhow.”

  He and Tyler came over to the table. I looked around at everyone. A sense of peace filled me. I asked the boys about school, and I asked Simon about work. I felt complete and relaxed.

  Then the doorbell rang.

  James jumped up from his seat and ran to the door. He opened it and yelled, “Dad!”

  Paul froze. “I didn’t know he was coming here today.”

  I pushed away from the table. “Neither did I.”

  Tyler kept eating.

  Simon watched me walk to the door.

  I took a deep breath and slowly let it out as John walked in.

  John placed his hands on James's shoulders and guided him toward me. “Hey there, buddy.” He looked up at me and smiled.

  I folded my arms. “This isn't the arrangement.”

  John hunched over and tried to look sheepish. He just looked constipated.

  “I thought it would be easier if I came and got him.” He tried grinning. He looked even more constipated.

  “You’re early as well.” I tightened my arms around myself. “This is not a good idea.”

  John scanned the scene at the kitchen table. “I just wanted to say hi to all my boys.”

  Paul pushed himself away from the table. He rinsed off his dish, put it in the dishwasher and walked through the family room to the basement stairs. When he walked by his father, I noticed they were the same height now. It seemed strange how I loved watching Paul grow into his height but saw John as gangly and awkward. Paul didn’t even look at John as he disappeared down the stairs.

  “Well, you just saw Paul,” I said. I was not in the mood for this. I had been having a decent day, minus helping with the reunion. Simon had made dinner, and none of my students had tried to lie their way out of an assignment. I was practically caught up with grading and was pretty sure there was a rainbow in the sky as I was driving home. I even had a sparkly new ring.

  Now I had an angry and hurt seventeen-year-old and an annoying and stupid ex-husband.

  Tyler nodded and kept eating. He must be in a growth spurt or amazing at avoidance. I made a note to look at his pants length.

  John ran his hand over his short hair. Eighteen years ago, that move made me giddy. Now I wanted to slap him. Generally, I was no longer angry about the affair and divorce or how it had affected me. I’d come out on top. It had taken a while, but I think I was happier now than I ever had been with John. I will admit he was witty and could be charming. I’d laughed hard at things he said. But it hadn’t been enough. I had developed a sense of calm I hadn’t known I was missing. I felt like I was at home now.

  At the same time, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over my anger about how the affair and divorce had affected the boys. All three handled it so differently and their reactions seemed to alter daily.

  Simon had met John a few times. I’d tried to keep that at a minimum, but it couldn't always be avoided. Simon was always cordial because he was a genuinely nice person. I knew he didn’t like or respect John much.

  “You know you coming here upsets Paul,” I said. “That’s why we meet somewhere in the middle. It’s easier for everyone.”

  “Not everyone.” John let James pull him farther inside.

  “I’m sure your dad doesn’t have time to come in,” I said.

  “Just for a minute, Mom.” He led his dad over to the sofa.

  “Why don’t you go collect your things,” I said to James. “Then you can go with your dad now.”

  “Do I have to?” James asked. “I wanted to do my homework with you and Simon.”

  I looked over at John. “Why don’t you leave, and we can meet later at the library, like planned.”

  “I never see Paul or Tyler any more.” He sat down and pulled James down with him.

  “You saw them at the school.” I stayed standing with my arms crossed.

  “That hardly counts. Paul left the minute he saw me.”

  “You noticed?”

  John ignored me. “And Tyler only had a moment to talk.” He turned toward the table. “Tyler. Come visit.” He patted the sofa.

  I looked over. Simon was putting dishes in the dishwasher. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I shook my head. I needed to keep this civilized, sort of. Tyler looked at John. He looked at me, and then he looked back at John.

  “Is there dessert?” he asked, licking his spoon.

  “I have a chocolate cake,” Simon answered. “Should I get it out now?” He glanced at me.

  “Chocolate Cake?” I asked. John always thought it beneath him to help with dinner; let alone consider dessert. “Sure. Do you want a piece James?”

  James wiggled out of John's arm and ran into the kitchen. “Can I have a piece, Simon?”

  “Sure,” Simon said. “How big?”

  I turned to John. “Okay. You can leave now, and we can meet in an hour.”

  “I can’t have any cake?” John asked. He wiggled his eyebrows and tried to smile sexy. I sighed.

  “I think it would be best if you left so I can go talk to Paul,” I said. I opened the front door. “Let’s just stick with the parenting plan from now on.”

  John motioned to the kitchen where Tyler and James were eating and laughing with Simon. Then he looked at my left hand. He kept his eyes on my hand as he said, “Can I talk to you alone fo
r a moment?”

  I wanted to say no, but I had residual guilt from not talking to Rebecca. I guess I transferred my guilt to John and nodded. I pointed to the door. He took a moment before he got up and walked out. After I followed him, he reached behind me and closed it.

  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  “I wanted to talk to you privately. That's why I came early.”

  “Am I going to need a lawyer for this?” My arms folded against myself partly out of irritation but mostly from the chill in the air. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. I hoped this conversation would be short.

  He smiled shyly at me. “I guess it all depends.”

  The look on his face made me nervous. I was used to contempt. I didn’t recognize this look. “I’m cold. Hurry up.”

  He cleared his throat and studied my front porch, a basic cement square. It was large enough to look welcoming but not large enough to place chairs. Maybe one chair would fit, but that seemed like a lonely prospect.

  John turned to face me and cleared his throat. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.” He paused. I nodded to let him know I agreed with him and that I wouldn’t be offering him any help in this conversation. He cleared his throat again. “And one of the biggest mistakes was leaving you when you were pregnant with James. That wasn’t good for him.”

  I gave a quick nod.

  “Or me.”

  I tilted my head. A slight wind chilled me even more and I shivered.

  He looked like he wanted to put an arm around me to warm me. I took a step back.

  “And it wasn’t very fair to you,” he continued. He paused again.

  He was struggling, but I was tired and wanted to get back inside. “What is this about, John?”

  “James never had a sense of family,” he said. “He should have that sense of family Tyler and Paul had when growing up.”

  “I’ve done an amazing job creating a home on my own.” I could feel my anger rising. The wind wasn't feeling quite so cold anymore. “You left me for Trudy and then fought me every step of the way as if it was my fault you had sex with someone else.”