The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  "Barkeep another drink for me," Tits yelled over to the ever-irritated tavern owner, "and a picture of your finest dick for my man, Rondo, here."

  Our group decided to grab lunch at the Rose and Thorn before heading out to investigate the docks. The battle with the saprolings drained us, and all of us wanted a break from fighting or investigating–the latter of which none of us seemed to be particularly good at.

  Apparently, though, Tits never took a break from trolling, and now that Rondo let slip he disapproved of something, she was sure to take every possible opportunity to have fun at his expense.

  She was also using "lunch" as more of an opportunity to get herself inebriated in the middle of the day, which I wasn't completely thrilled about. Tits could be a lot to handle sober, but she was downright impossible drunk, and we were supposed to be conducting an investigation right now.

  The owner of the inn came over and set down another glass of red wine in front of Eldertits. Thankfully, she didn't bring over another dick pic for Rondo or the other man might have burst.

  "Maybe you should slow down," I suggested to Eldertits. "We're still going to be investigating this afternoon, and I need your mind sharp."

  "My mind is always at its sharpest after a few glasses of red wine," she responded dismissively.

  "That house that Rurir mentioned is our best lead so far, but outside of it being near the docks and having something carved into the door, we don't have anything to go on," I said slightly annoyed. "If you're drunk you might miss something."

  "Shit, in a town of this size, how could we miss it?" Eldertits replied after a swig of her drink. "Oh man, it's one of the three houses in town. However will we find it?"

  Roselake wasn't quite that small, but I did have to admit that our troll had a point. This town wasn't very big, and I was probably over thinking things.

  "Just finish your drink so we can get going," I muttered with a scowl.

  Tits tilted her drink back and finished the rest in one fluid motion. She smiled at me, setting the glass down on the table along with a couple of coins. The rest of us placed our payment on the table and stood up. Minty jumped up first and bounded happily towards the door.

  "Looks like someone is happy to be out of that basement," I said to Elaria.

  "He's not the only one," she replied to me. "Underground places give me the creeps."

  Walking out of the Rose and Thorn, we turned and made our way toward the docks, which we reached after only a couple minutes of walking. The docks were mostly empty, because as it was only mid-afternoon, most of the boats were being used by fishermen out in the lake. Still, a couple of boats were left, and a couple of women carried baskets close by.

  "Alright, now what?" Eldertits asked.

  "Now, I think we spread out and look at the nearby buildings for a door with a carving in it," I replied. "Iasz, why don't you and Graard go to the left? Elaria and Rondo will take the street that led down here from the Inn, and Eldertits and I will search to the right."

  "Works for us," Iasz said, already walking away in the direction I indicated.

  Most of the buildings near the dock were much larger than our clan hall but scarcely in better condition. Apparently, being a small-town fisherman in Altria didn't pay that well.

  Walking to the right, the first buildings we came to were essentially row houses with shared walls in between them.

  All the houses and doors looked pretty much the same. No wonder Rurir wasn't able to remember which one it was. The outside of the buildings was a sickly white turning an ugly yellow, and if you added in the damp thatch roof, it gave off a terrible vibe. At least the doors looked to be solidly made out of planked wood with iron hinges, so while the homes might flood or burn down, at least door looked somewhat nice.

  Of course, I couldn't really talk. Our clan had the equivalent of an outhouse for a clan hall, and we were otherwise homeless.

  Checking out the first two doors revealed nothing, but I thought I saw something on the third door. It turned out to just be a shadow Eldertits was making with her hands to fuck with me. Scowling at my partner, I continued the search while she silently laughed, amused at her own joke.

  For the next hour, we searched up and down the streets to the right for any sign of something carved into the doors, but we weren't finding anything significant enough to alert the others. There were a couple of notches in the wood but nothing that I could definitively say was carved.

  Messaging the rest of the party revealed that none of our groups found anything yet. Surely, this couldn't be hidden that well if Rurir followed her from the docks. Pacing, I walked by the side of one of the houses and into the small alleyway around back.

  That's when I noticed that most of the houses had doors on the back of them leading into this alleyway. Surely, Rurir would have mentioned he followed the girl into an alleyway, I thought, as I began to move and look at the backdoors. When I reached the fifth one I knew I found it. A small bird was carved into the upper part of this door. It looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place why.

  Reaching out to the rest of the party, I let them know I thought I located the door. About five minutes later, all of us were gathered around the door.

  "Can you pick it?" Eldertits asked Rondo after trying to push open the door, finding it locked.

  "Why are you asking me?" Rondo asked. "Is it because I'm black, so I must know how to break into things?"

  "Actually, I assumed because you're the rogue," Tits replied, and then added with a wink, "and because you're black."

  "Oh, right," Rondo muttered chagrined. "Move aside, and I'll see if I can pick the lock."

  All of us stepped back to give Rondo some room. Our rogue pulled out a set of lock picks and began tinkering with the door while the rest of us stood watch. Five minutes went by, and the only noise was the little tick of Rondo's picks working the lock.

  "Perhaps I could just have Graard break the door down," Iasz suggested. "He's excellent at smashing things."

  "No," I said, "I'd prefer not to break the door if we don't have to. That will let whoever uses this house know that someone was here, and the noise could alert others."

  "Graard would be much more efficient than your rogue," Iasz muttered. "If he takes any longer perhaps we'll have to draw him pictures of our dicks to pass the time."

  After another long five minutes, I finally heard the click of the door unlocking, and Rondo pushed the door inwards.

  "You're a terrible rogue, you know that?" Eldertits said to him as we entered the house.

  "I have the skill levels in lockpicking but actually doing it is a lot more difficult than it looks," Rondo said defensively. "There's definitely a skill outside of the skill."

  "So, you're saying you're bad at finding the right spot when sticking things into small holes?" Eldertits asked.

  "Yeah, something like that," Rondo said with a sigh.

  "That must be why I've never heard Elaria moan at night," Eldertits responded smiling, "because you just can't find her spot either."

  Rondo looked like he wanted to respond but must have thought better about it and turned away. Elaria swatted Tits on the back of the head as she walked into the small kitchen of the house in which we stood.

  "You know you miss sleeping with me," Tits called after her, "because I had no difficulties finding your spot."

  "Perhaps we should search the house," I suggested, trying to get us back on track.

  "Good idea," Elaria said a little too loudly, "but a couple of people should keep watch just in case someone tries to come in."

  "Okay, who wants to keep watch?" I asked, looking around at the group.

  No one immediately volunteered, but in the end, it was decided that Graard would watch the back entrance while Eldertits watched the front.

  "If you see anyone coming let the group know with a squeak like Minty," Elaria said to the two as they waited by the back door.

  Iasz had to translate for Graard who grunted in respon
se and walked out of the house. Tits followed behind him, leaving the rest of us to search the building.

  The kitchen was small but interesting. There was no stove, no burners, and no microwave. Instead, there was a large fireplace made out of stone which was high enough on one side for a short person to stand inside. Across the top of this was a horizontal metal bar which had various pots and a few hooks hanging from it. Simple shelves holding wooden plates, bowls, and utensils were on the wall next to this fireplace, and in the middle of the room was a small wooden table.

  There definitely wasn't any sign that someone had been abducted in this room. In fact, nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was an opening leading to the rest of the house on one end of the kitchen and a small wooden trapdoor in one corner of the floor that most likely led to a cellar.

  I motioned for Elaria to lead us into the next room and followed her. This room was a simple sitting room with some very uncomfortable-looking furniture and the door leading out of the front of the house. A couple of small windows were on the front wall, and I could see Tits standing outside looking exceptionally bored.

  Other than this furniture, the only thing in the room was the staircase leading upstairs. So far this was looking like a bust.

  "Up we go," Rondo said, letting Elaria go ahead of him.

  At the top of the stairs was a tiny hallway that had two bedrooms off of it, and that was it, seriously. Whoever lived here must be bored out of their mind.

  The first bedroom I looked in had a full-sized bed with a thin blanket on it and a couple of pillows. The bed was unmade and looked to have been slept in fairly recently. Outside of this, the only thing in the room was a dilapidated dresser.

  Opening up the dresser revealed a coin pouch with a couple of coins and two spare sets of clothing–one for a man and one for a woman. Nothing else. I left the items and shut the drawer. Not only would I have been a colossal ass to steal from people that had so little, but they would probably have noticed the items were gone when they pretty much owned nothing else.

  The next bedroom had even less in it. Just a small twin bed with a sheet on it. That's it. It looked like it had never been used, or at least hadn't been used for a long time. Frustrated, I looked up and down the walls, but there was nothing. At least that's what I thought until I glanced up at the ceiling and saw the small attic door with a chain attached to it.

  "Rondo," I said speaking to the taller man, "Do you think you could reach that chain?"

  "I'll give it a shot," he said, walking into the room and reaching up for the chain.

  It turns out he was plenty tall, because he was able to grab the chain and jerk it down in one swift motion. This caused the door to open, and a ladder nearly hit the man before it slammed into the floor next to him.

  "Shit," he muttered looking over at the ladder. "That would have been an embarrassing way to die."

  "Elaria, do you want to climb up and take a look?" I asked the elf and then added, "If you need a light, just let me know."

  She responded by moving over to the ladder and climbing up it like it was nothing. Sometimes it must be nice to be an elven ranger. Minty thought about climbing up after her but decided to sit at the base of the ladder until she came back down.

  A couple of seconds after she reached the top I heard her call down, "You all might want to come up and look at this."

  Rondo climbed up first, followed by me, and then Iasz. When I reached the top, I saw immediately what she was talking about. While the attic was short and cramped, with only enough room for a person to sit, there were a variety of things stored up here.

  There were manacles, ropes, cloth, and a cage on the other end of the room that Elaria was moving towards. At the base of this cage was a stain that looked suspiciously like dried blood.

  Elaria looked like she was about to touch it, so I shouted, "Elaria, don't!"

  Turning around, she looked at me quizzically and asked, "What?"

  "I thought you were going to do some weird elf thing where you stuck your finger in that, licked it, and then said something like, this is definitely human blood. Two, no, three days old," I responded.

  "Why would I do that? That's disgusting," Elaria responded, looking a little annoyed. "Besides, the only knowledge anyone would get from doing that is that it tastes like iron."

  "Oh," I responded, feeling a little stupid.

  "I think it's safe to assume that someone was kept captive here," Iasz said, while Rondo silently laughed at me. "Though, I must say that you humans are so gentle with your captives."

  I glared at him following this last remark. It hit way too close to home that this little green prick tried to burn me at the stake not that long ago. He either didn't notice or chose to ignore the look I gave him.

  "Yeah, that much seems obvious," Rondo said in response, "but the real question is where are they now? Because whoever was in that cage is gone and hasn't been in there in a few days judging by how that blood looks."

  "We should check the cellar," Elaria said, crawling back toward the staircase.

  It didn't pass my notice that Rondo managed to stare at her ass the whole time she was crawling. I just shut my eyes and mentally shook my head at him. The man flipped out at the sight of a man bending over another man, but he'd stare at a beautiful elven woman's ass all night if you let him.

  After all of us climbed down the stairs, Rondo lifted the ladder up and pushed it back up into the attic. Following this, he shut the door to the attic. Looking around, I was satisfied that we put everything back where it belonged.

  "Alright, back to the kitchen," I said, letting Elaria lead us into the hallway and down the stairs.

  Upon entering the kitchen, the four of us gathered around the trap door in the floor. Rondo took the lead again and bent down to lift it up. It came up surprisingly easy for something that I thought was hiding a dark secret.

  A short staircase led down into a pitch-black room, and I had to summon a fireball for us to see anything. There wasn't much of note down here. The floor and the walls were made out of stone, and the only thing in the cellar were three large barrels in one corner.

  "What are the odds there's actually wine in this cellar?" I asked.

  "If these people could afford that much wine, they wouldn't be living in this shit hole," Rondo responded edging toward the barrels.

  "True," I responded, "but there's no way they could have put bodies in them, right? I mean, people can't die in this world."

  "Maybe this guy found a way," Rondo muttered as we drew up next to the barrels. "It would explain why none of the people who vanished have tried to contact their friends or family."

  I eyed the barrels with this grim thought in my mind and tried to figure out how we'd go about opening them. There wasn't a bunghole or a plug on any of them, and without a crowbar, I didn't see how we'd get the top off.

  "Do any of you know how to open one of these things?" I asked after pondering it for a couple of seconds.

  "I'm sure we can just lift the top off or something," Elaria said, moving over to one of the barrels and fidgeting with the top.

  I watched her do this for a couple of seconds before she began pushing on the top of the barrel and surprising us all, it shifted a little.

  "Hmm," Elaria said in reaction to this, "Rondo, come here for a second."

  The large black man moved next to the elf, and after a moment, they both lifted the barrel up and moved it to the side.

  "It's empty," Elaria said knocking on the side and revealing a hollow ring.

  "What about the rest?" I asked, moving next to them and knocking on them as well.

  Both were hollow and likely a dead end for us. At least this is what I thought until I saw the corner of another trapdoor poking out from where Elaria and Rondo had just moved the other barrel.

  "Hey, look at this," I said excitedly. "Help me move these two out of the way."

  Rondo came over and helped me shift the other two barrels until we reveal
ed the full trap door underneath. A trap door in a cellar that was under a trap door? We had to be on to something here. This trap door was made out of steel, though and looked extremely solid. There was a handle and a small keyhole next to it unlike the last one we had gone through.

  Reaching down, Rondo tried to pull up on the handle before giving up and muttering, "It's locked, and I don't know if I can pick that lock."

  "Can't you try?" I asked.

  "I'll try but don't hold your breath," Rondo responded getting out his lock picks.

  Setting the leather pouch containing his picks on the ground, he opened it and went about choosing which pick he wanted to use for the job. It took him a couple of minutes just to make this decision. Finally, he pulled one out, grabbed the torsion wrench at the end, and went to work.

  Elaria, Iasz, and I stood there watching impatiently as minutes ticked by, and judging by the frustrated expression on Rondo's face, he was making no progress. Though, since I knew next to nothing about this craft, I wouldn't have been able to tell even if he had made some progress until the door unlocked.

  Unfortunately, the door didn't unlock. What did happen was after fifteen minutes of Rondo trying to pick the lock and failing, we heard the unmistakable sound of a loud squeak coming from upstairs. Minty picked this up and began squeaking in response as well.

  "That's the signal," Elaria hissed. "Rondo, grab your lock picks and let's go. We've got to get out of here fast."

  There was the sound of metal snapping as Rondo tried to pull his pick out of the lock.

  "Fuck," I heard him exclaim as he stood up. "We're not getting in this way, that's for sure now."

  "We'll worry about that later," I said as we rapidly made our way for the stairs to the kitchen. "Right now, we have to get out of here before we're discovered."

  Reaching the stairs, I took two of them at a time until I was back in the kitchen. Looking around, it didn't look like anything had changed. At least no one had entered the house yet.

  Elaria, Iasz, and Rondo bounded out after, and I quickly shut the trapdoor to the cellar. We hadn't taken the time to put the barrels back in the correct place, but they'd probably discover that someone had been down there once they tried to unlock the steel door, only to find out they couldn't turn the lock.