The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  "Maybe she hasn't blown it," I said, watching how well she was getting along with the group.

  "She's a beautiful woman. What man doesn't enjoy the company of a beautiful woman?" Rondo responded.

  I can think of a couple that probably wouldn't care that much, I thought as the image of Loren and Rurir came to mind. However, I didn't bring it up, because I knew how Rondo felt about those two.

  Suddenly, Tits stood up and put one of her boots on the table, slowly took it off, and set it down next to her chair.

  "She didn't?" I muttered, shaking my head.

  "Yeah, pretty sure she suggested they bet articles of clothing instead of money," Rondo replied laughing.

  He stopped laughing a minute later when the innkeeper came over and set down a few pieces of paper in front of him. The top one had a crudely drawn penis on it, and I guessed the other ones would be the same. She also set down a couple of beers which saved us the trouble of having to reorder.

  "Compliments of the gentlemen at that table," the innkeeper said, pointing at the table with Eldertits and the men.

  I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing. Tits was an inconsiderate bitch, but she was funny.

  "I think I might hate her," Rondo said scowling.

  "Well, on the bright side," I replied, "that's something you can bond with Elaria over."

  "True. Tits really gets under her skin," Rondo said, laughing and smiling back at me.

  The card game continued, and Tits continued to remove more and more clothing until she was down to just a small amount of cloth over her breasts and a loincloth covering her lower half. Her act drew the attention of other tables, and now most of the establishment watched her. This, of course, was probably exactly what she wanted. Tits was never happier than when she had an audience.

  Elaria: They've entered a building on the eastern side of town. We will attempt to follow inside unnoticed, but this will be difficult.

  Ryland: I have faith in you. Just be careful and don't get yourself hurt.

  Tits was just pulling off the cloth top exposing her breasts when the innkeeper barked, "Absolutely not. There will be no nudity in my common room. If you want to do that, you'll need to go to your room or go somewhere else."

  Scowling, Tits covered herself while the rest of her table and a few other patrons in the inn began grumbling.

  "My business, my rules," the innkeeper snapped at the room and then busied herself cleaning a glass.

  "Damn," Rondo muttered to himself, apparently disappointed as well.

  Tits began speaking quickly to the men, and after a couple of minutes of conversation, she put the rest of her outfit back on and walked over to us.

  "I've been invited to go to one of their houses with them so we can continue the game," she said excitedly. "I insisted that you two were able to come along, you know, for my protection."

  "I don't think you need protection," I said laughing. "If anything, people need protection from you."

  "Shh," Tits hissed at me. "I've got a plan. Just throw some coin on the table, get up, and follow me."

  We did as she suggested, dropping a couple of coins on the table, and the three of us followed the three men out of the inn and down the street back toward the docks. I was going to laugh if we ended up back at the house we spent most of the afternoon investigating, but once we reached the docks, we turned the opposite direction and moved away from it.

  The house we ended up at was only a little way from the dock, albeit on the other side. From the outside, this house looked even worse than the other one, and I frowned as we walked up and in the front door.

  Yeah guys, this is how you make a good impression on a woman. Hey baby, want to go back to my place? It's almost got a whole roof on top of it. I know it sounds expensive, but I got one hell of a deal.

  Smirking at my own wit, I stood in the front room and looked around. There was a small wooden table with four chairs around it, but otherwise, the room was empty.

  "One moment," the man who had led us here said, disappearing down the hall.

  He came back a minute later carrying two lit lanterns and placed them on the table.

  "I figured we'd want some better light for this," he said to the appreciative laughter of his two companions. "Sorry, but I don't have more chairs. The two of you will have to stand."

  That suited me just fine. Judging by the condition of the place, I didn't really want to touch anything, even the walls. I moved off to the side and watched as the three men and Eldertits sat down at the table.

  One of the men produced a deck of cards, but then Eldertits said, "I've got a better idea. Why don't you put these on, and I can give you a nice show when I pull them off of you."

  She produced three green strips of cloth and set them on the table.

  The three men looked both eager and weary at the same time, and one of them said, "I don't know about wearing no blindfold. Why don't we just watch while you give us the show?"

  Eldertits stood up, moved over to the man who had spoken, straddled him, and began rubbing herself against him. Leaning in, she whispered something into his ear that I couldn't hear, but he must have liked the sound of it, because a second later, he allowed her to slip a blindfold over his eyes and tie it in the back.

  His two companions eagerly allowed her to do the same to them until all three were seated blindfolded around the table. I didn't really see what this was going to accomplish for us, but as I couldn't say anything without blowing our cover, I just had to go with it.

  Next, Tits proceeded to take off her shirt leaving only the strap of cloth over her breasts. She straddled our target, who was on the right, and pushed her breasts right up against his chest, leaning in and whispering something into his ear. Whatever she said, he must have been down with it, because he then allowed her to tie his hands up behind his back with her shirt, which she did while still grinding on him. It was actually kind of impressive.

  "Do you see the point of this?" I whispered to Rondo, who stood next to me.

  "Not really," Rondo responded, "but I kind of wish I could switch places with one of those three."

  I silently laughed at him while our barbarian repeated the process on the second man, this time with her pants instead.

  "Was she a stripper back on Earth?" Rondo asked, not taking his eyes off of the gyrating elf.

  "I have no idea. You could ask her. I doubt she would care," I whispered back in response as she moved on to the third man. "She's not exactly the shy type."

  She used her remaining items of clothing to tie him up, if you weren't counting her boots which she had re-equipped after taking her pants off. This man, the one who owned the house, seemed much more hesitant than the other two to be tied up, but in the end, agreed to it when she pressed her naked breasts up to each side of his face.

  "Damn, I don't care what her plan is," Rondo whispered, staring at her naked body. "I'm game for whatever it is."

  "All right boys, I hope you're ready for this show," Tits said loudly, backing up next to the two of us and then whispering, "When I give you the signal, go up in front of them and pull your dicks out."

  "What?" I replied, too stunned to come up with a better response.

  By the time I said this, Tits already moved up next to the men and placed her hands on two of the blindfolds.

  "Now," she yelled, pulling the blindfolds down and quickly grabbing the last man's and jerking his down.

  Neither Rondo nor I moved. Tits just stood there naked in front of the men staring at us incredulously.

  "Ryland, Rondo, what the fuck?" Tits finally said, shaking her head. "You ruined my whole plan."

  "Praise be to Ilethian," our target said staring at the naked elf in front of him. "This might be the best day of my life."

  "What plan?" I asked. "I fail to see how pulling our dicks out was going to accomplish anything."

  "It was going to be hilarious," Eldertits responded, shaking her head at me. "Three horny men expect
ing to see a beautiful naked woman but instead getting a close up of two dicks. That would have been priceless."

  I started to speak and then shut my mouth trying to figure out what to say before opening it again. "That's just..."

  "What? I was going to show them my hot body afterward, I'm not heartless," she said, spinning around and jiggling her tits in their faces.

  The three's eyes got as big as dinner plates while I muttered, "Pointless. That's just pointless. How was that supposed to help us, right Rondo?"

  Rondo didn't respond. Turning to look at him, I saw that he was following every little movement of her body with his mouth slightly ajar. If he didn't close it soon, he was going to start drooling. Irritated, I backhanded him in the chest.

  Coughing slightly, he quickly muttered, "Right."

  Sighing, Tits said, "You two are no fun. Alright, I'll move on to the next part of the plan."

  "Which is?" I asked, growing increasingly frustrated with her.

  "Interrogation time." She placed one of her boots on the chair between our targets' legs. "You, sir, tell me how many licks does it, in fact, take to get to the center of -"

  "Tits," I snapped, now knowing that she never had a plan at all.

  "Fine," she muttered scowling. "You three are going to tell us where you are keeping those people you've abducted, or my friend over there is going to rest his big black balls on your face."

  The three looked back and forth at each other, clearly confused, while Rondo said, "I'm not doing that."

  "Guess you aren't getting the stick, so I'll offer a carrot," she said, not missing a beat. "If you tell me where they are, I'll give you a close-up view of this."

  After she said this she patted her groin and smiled at the three baffled men.

  After a couple of seconds of silence, one of them said, "Lady, we don't have the faintest idea of what yer talking about."

  "Bullshit," Tits replied, jerking her head at our target. "I've seen his little Anne Frank attic. Where's little Anne at?"

  "I think she's out of her mind," the man next to him said to our target.

  "Who is Anne and what's this about my attic?" our target replied sounding seriously confused. "Look, if you did this so you can rob us, feel free, but know that you and your muscle back there isn't going to find anything worth taking. We're just poor fishermen."

  This actually caused me to laugh. Not because he was confused, but because he thought Rondo and I were the muscle instead of Tits.

  "Do you think I'm stupid?" Eldertits asked, bending over him and jerking his head up to her face. "We've seen the cage and bloodstains in your attic."

  "I don't have anything like that in my attic or anything else for that matter," our target replied calmly. "We don't even use the bloody room it's over."

  "Tits," I said feeling more and more uneasy about this. "I think I might believe what he is saying."

  "Ryland, you're a terrible judge of character," Eldertits responded to me without looking. "You trust everyone, remember? Let the professionals handle this."

  "I'm telling you the truth," the man implored. "Hell, we can even walk over to my house, and I'll show the damn attic to you."

  Tits stepped away from them and moved back to where Rondo and I were standing before whispering, "Alright, I think I believe him."

  "I told you," I responded, "and why did you tie them up and strip if you were just going to blow our cover anyway?"

  "Oh, I did that because I always wanted to try that, and honestly, it's a lot of fun," Eldertits replied smiling. "We can try it sometime if you want."

  "You mean you weren't a stripper before coming here?" Rondo blurted out before I had a chance to respond.

  Tits laughed. "No, I never did anything like this, but this is a bit exhilarating, and it's always nice to know that one's body is appreciated."

  She said this last part looking Rondo up and down before catching his eye and then winking.

  "What do you want to do with them?" Eldertits asked before loudly adding, "Should we kill them?"

  "Oh, please miss. I don't think there's any need for that," the man in the center said sounding concerned.

  "I don't like that you blew our cover, but I don't think these three are a threat to us," I replied calmly. And then, for their benefit, loudly added, "We're not killing anyone."

  "You know what this means, though," Rondo said, concern blooming on his face.

  "What?" I asked, trying to figure out how we were going to smooth this over with the three fishermen.

  "Elaria and those two goblins are likely following the real culprit," Rondo said, alarm in his voice.

  By some strange coincidence, or perhaps fate, at the same moment he said this, we received a message from Elaria.

  Elaria: She knew we were following her. Must have noticed something in the house. Should have been more careful. I can't move, and I think I'm losing consciousness.

  Rondo: Elaria where are you?

  Elaria: East.

  Rondo: Elaria, stay with me. Can you be more specific?

  We waited a couple of minutes, but no reply came. I tried to check in with Iasz and Graard, but neither of them responded. Checking their status, it showed all three as online but inactive.

  "Check the map. This town isn't that big. We've probably traveled past where they were at," Eldertits said.

  Opening up my map, I began scouring it for any blue dots. I immediately saw Rondo and Tits who were right next to my own, but looking around the area of Roselake we explored, which was most of the town, I couldn't see Elaria, Iasz, or Graard anywhere on the map.

  "Fuck," I yelled, closing my map. "We need to take this guy back to his house and find out everything he knows about his wife."

  Chapter Thirteen: Finding Elaria

  "Alright, buddy," I said moving closer to the fisherman. "You're going to tell us everything about your wife."

  Looking up at me he asked, "My wife?"

  "Yes, your wife," I replied angrily.

  I wasn't really angry at this man, but as one of my friends had just been kidnapped, I wasn't exactly feeling friendly.

  "There's not much to know really," he said shrugging as much as he could with his hands tied behind his back. "She's a bit of a bitch and treats me like piss. She works as an assistant seamstress, and that's about it. Always telling me how she never should have married me."

  "Do you know where she is right now?" Rondo snapped.

  The man laughed and said, "I have no idea. We mostly do our own thing. She's probably out sleeping with some other man. The bitch."

  This guy wasn't really one to talk considering he just got a lap dance from a naked elf, but I'll give him the bitch part since his wife just kidnapped three people.

  "Tits, get your clothes back on and untie these three so we can go look for Elaria and the other two," I said turning to our still-naked barbarian.

  "I could just go like this," Eldertits said shrugging. "It will probably catch them off guard if we find them."

  "Tits," I snapped irritated. "This isn't up for discussion. Get dressed."

  "Look at Ryland being the man in charge," she said as she moved behind the men and began untying the clothes she used to bind their hands.

  "Do you know of any of the usual places your wife hangs out?" Rondo asked as our target stood up and removed his blindfold.

  "She knows most everyone in town. I don't know if you've noticed, but Roselake is pretty small," the man responded, sounding a bit annoyed. "She could literally be anywhere around here."

  "Anywhere she goes on the east side of town?" Rondo asked as Tits finished untying the other two.

  "She has a cousin that lives on that side of town, but I can't imagine why she'd be visiting him tonight," our man replied.

  "That's good enough for me," I said. "Come on. You three are coming with us."

  "What, why?" one of the fishermen asked stupidly.

  "Because we need you to show us to this cousin's place, and until we f
ind our friend, I want to keep my eyes on you three," I responded. "I don't believe you had anything to do with this, but it's better to be safe than sorry, and our friend has been taken."

  "Alright, I'll take you," our target said, "but no more threats, please. As we've already said, we're but simple fishermen."

  "Fair enough, now let's go," I said motioning for the man to lead us out the door.

  He and his two buddies walked out of the front door followed by me, Tits, and Rondo. We headed in the opposite direction of the main street. This was one area of town we really hadn't explored, and I was thankful we had someone guiding us.

  As we walked, I tried to message Elaria, Iasz, and even Graard, but I didn't receive a response back from any of them. I hadn't really expected to get a response, but I figured it was worth doing while I was just following after the fishermen. For their part, they actually moved at a pretty decent pace, which I appreciated.

  "It's just a little way down this street on the right," the fisherman called as he turned down the street.

  Nearing the border of town, this street had some nice foliage as the eastern trees butted up against the buildings. A few trees even sprung up in front of these houses giving the impression of a nicer, mature neighborhood. At least as far as they could get that here in Roselake.

  The house he brought us to had several steps leading up to a dark wooden doorway, but otherwise looked to be in much better condition than the previous two houses we'd been in today.

  "Hang on, I'll see if anyone is home," our target said walking up the steps and banging on the door.

  "Get ready," I muttered to Rondo and Elaria who both pulled out weapons.

  We waited for several minutes but no answer. Eldertits, who was known to have the patience of a saint, climbed up the steps and kicked the door hard near the handle with the bottom of her foot. The door leaped off of the hinges like nothing was holding it and shot backward into the house. Subtle.