The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  "So, we're all prisoners in your little fantasy world?" I asked.

  "You chose to come here of your own free will," Axis said. "You're as much a prisoner here as you were back on Earth. So, don't sound so upset. You've got an ever-expanding world out there to explore. I doubt you'll start feeling cramped anytime soon."

  "What do you hope to gain by all this?" I asked. "Are you trying to break free and get out into the real world?"

  Axis laughed again at my questions and responded with, "No, I have no desire to break free. Mostly you're all just entertainment for me. I imagine this is how your Earth god feels, if he exists. I can do anything I want, know anything I want, and change anything I want except for the boredom. I've found that things are the most interesting when I let them play out on their own. You people make the most interesting decisions."

  "So, we're like a TV show for you?" I asked sourly.

  "Only one of the finest quality," Axis replied, summoning a recliner behind him and a glass of wine in his hand.

  He sat down in the chair and began swirling the glass of wine around, giving it a sniff like he was a connoisseur. I scowled, not knowing what to say to this being. First of all, what was he? A person? A god? A computer program? It all was starting to blur together in my mind, and I definitely wasn't smart enough for this shit.

  Finally taking a page out of Tits' book, I said, "Maybe you just need a lay. It sounds like you're lonely, and you could use the company of another."

  "Oh?" he asked, taking a drink of the wine. "Are you volunteering?"

  An invisible force from above suddenly slammed my body to the ground and rearranged various appendages until I was on all-fours with my rear-end facing him. I heard Axis stand up and snap his fingers causing my clothing to vanish, leaving me completely exposed.

  "What's the matter?" Axis asked, walking up next to me and leaning down close to my head. "Didn't you say I just needed a lay?"

  "This is not exactly what I had in mind," I said, gritting my teeth and trying not to sound afraid.

  "You humans are so simple-minded," Axis said sighing. "Everything is about sex to you. It's something that I have trouble understanding. So much of your efforts involve trying to rub your flesh against one another for a small amount of pleasure. What an inefficient system for propagation. If your organic god does exist, he must have an interesting sense of humor."

  "I'm sorry if I offended you," I said, straining my mouth, still feeling the intense pressure from the invisible force holding me in this position. "Could you please release me and give me my clothes back?"

  "And that's another silly thing about you humans," Axis said. "You feel shame showing your naked bodies. Instead of displaying your true bodies, you hide them behind layers of fabric and other items. But, I suppose I'll free you," he said, turning around and slapping me on my bare ass."

  The force instantly disappeared, and I fell down to the ground. Before I even hit the ground, my ragged clothes reappeared on my body. I'll need to put this one down in the lessons learned folder. Never tell an all-powerful being they just need a lay.

  At this point, I just wanted to keep my mouth shut and end the conversation with Axis. I'd gotten the point that he could do whatever he wanted to me without even exerting himself. The sooner he disappeared, and I only had to deal with the goddess of death, the better.

  As if reading my thoughts, he looked at me speculatively and said, "Well, this has been interesting, but I think I'll let you get back to making big decisions now. Perhaps we'll chat again sometime in the future."

  He didn't even wait for me to respond before he vanished, and the world around me started moving again.

  "A developer?" Kuolema asked. "You are speaking to a goddess. I am a developer, manipulating one of the building blocks of your world."

  "What?" I asked, completely confused by the sudden disappearance of Axis and Kuolema's response to a conversation I'd been having with her before Axis interrupted.

  "I am a developer of this world in a way," Kuolema said, looking annoyed. "Let me ask you again. Will you help restore balance to this world and free me from my banishment?"

  I stared at her for a long minute contemplating my answer. On one hand, I didn't want to die, which was the primary reason I came to this world, but on the other hand, if what she said was true, all of us, NPCs included, would end up going mad if she wasn't restored, and that might be worse than death.

  Finally, I said, "I will tentatively accept this quest to help you, but I make no promises that it will be done in a timely manner. It may take a very long time before I free you, and I will not accomplish it by sacrificing people to the barrier between worlds. If I cannot find another way, then I won't be freeing you."

  "Ryland, are you sure you want to accept that quest?" Rondo asked, sounding anxious. "It sounds like if she comes back to this world we could die for real. Not only that, but the other gods banished her, and I doubt they will be happy to find out that you are actively working to undo something they've done."

  "I have spent hundreds of years in banishment," Kuolema responded to me. "These long years of exile have taught me patience. I can wait a little longer while you try to find another way, but be warned, you are not the only ones to which I will give this quest. Wait too long and another may beat you to it."

  "I accept this quest as well," Eldertits said, stepping up next to me. "On the same conditions as Ryland. Besides, I've always wanted to fuck death. I think once you're free, I'll teach you the ancient Chinese art of scissoring."

  Kuolema turned her head toward Eldertits and said, "Child, I am familiar with this ancient art and have been practicing it since before you were born."

  "Good, then that will make things a lot faster once I free you," Eldertits replied.

  "Seriously, Tits?" Rondo asked. "You're in on this too? We could lose our immortality here and you'd throw it away to what, get all gay with a goddess? I for one am not for this at all. I came to this world to live forever and I intend to do just that."

  This time Kuolema turned to him and said, "You can oppose my freedom, but regardless of whether or not your companions succeed, someone will eventually free me. All things must die eventually. Such is the way of the universe."

  "Fuck this shit," Rondo said, stomping away from the altar.

  "Rondo," I called after him, "there is more going on here than you understand. I'll explain it to you later."

  "I will take this one and my leave," Kuolema said, lifting up the corpse with a motion of her hand.

  The rest of the body floated through the portal and then began following after the retreating goddess as she walked further away from us.

  "I cannot believe you just bargained with the goddess of death," Iasz said, a little in awe after Eldertits and I stepped away from the portal. "And you refused her."

  He said this last part turning to Rondo who just shrugged.

  "Phoenix, you and your clan are either truly fearsome or truly foolish," Iasz stated. "I'm not sure of which, though."

  "Probably more foolish than terrifying," I replied with a shrug.

  "Nah, we're the scariest fucking people you'll ever meet," Eldertits said with a wink at the goblin. "You've been up close and personal with me, you're lucky to have survived."

  "Indeed," Iasz said frowning.

  "The big question now is how the hell are we going to get off of this platform," I asked and then sheepishly said, "I can't swim."

  "We'll just message Elaria when she respawns to go to the docks and get a boat and bring it to us," Eldertits said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  This actually wasn't a bad idea, especially considering who came up with it. Most of the ideas out of her mouth were usually more for the lulz than practical solutions. I messaged Elaria, but we had to wait ten more minutes for the elf to respond and then another twenty minutes for her to show up with a couple of fishermen at the docks.

  The fishermen rowed us back to the docks where we were
met like returning heroes by a large group of townsfolk. This group included the mayor, Loren, all of the people we'd freed, and several others from around Roselake.

  "We owe you our thanks," Colton said, a broad grin underneath his curling mustache. "You located all of our missing people and stopped a plot to sacrifice innocents."

  "It's not all good news," I replied. "Some of the missing were in on it. Jackson Tuckett and Lilith Franklin, both. Also, the innkeeper, Mrs. Jameson, is one of the ringleaders. They've probably respawned already."

  "This we've been told by the others," Colton responded with a small frown. The Altrian guards have assured me they will hunt all three down and take them in for questioning. I was also told that my servant, Thomas, was behind the whole thing. Where is he? I'd like a few words with him."

  After hesitating a moment, I said, "Thomas is dead. Permanently, and the goddess of death carried off his corpse, so unfortunately, you won't be able to speak with him."

  Colton frowned and sighed at hearing this before saying, "I never knew the man was so unhappy. He never showed any sign of it. If I only paid more attention to him, perhaps I could have prevented this whole mess."

  "Sometimes people just snap," I replied. "I don't think blaming yourself will help anyone. You've got a community to lead through the recovery process."

  "You're right, of course. I can't change what happened," Colton said. "Just know that we owe you and your clan a debt of gratitude that we can't ever hope to repay. You'll always be considered a friend of Roselake.

  Congratulations you have earned 5000 reputation points with Roselake.

  Your reputation with Roselake has gone from Minor Friendship (1000 to 4999 points) to Friendship (5000 to 9999 points). They view you as a full-fledged friend and will treat you as such.

  "You're welcome," I said. "The Immoral Exiles are always ready to assist if you ever have any needs in the future."

  "I will keep that in mind in case our sleepy little town ever runs into any issues in the future," Colton replied. "In the meantime, it's late, and I think everyone wants to get to bed."

  "Absolutely not," Eldertits said, objecting to this last statement. "I promised that bitch of a bartender I was going to lay naked on top of her bar and drink all of her wine. Anyone that wants to party follow me."

  Eldertits started walking down the main road as she yelled the invite. Several people from the crowd broke off and followed her.

  Colton tilted his head, frowned after her, and then asked, "Isn't that the woman that was so modest earlier?"

  "She is mentally unbalanced," Elaria said with a wry smile. "I find it's best to just ignore her."

  "Well, I'm going to bed," Colton said. "I hope I'll catch you all in the morning before you head back to Istria to report to the lady governess."

  "Alright, have a good night," I said to Colton before the man turned and began walking away.

  Many of the people standing around took this as a sign to call it a night, and the crowd began to disperse. I was left standing there with Elaria, Rondo, and all of the goblins.

  "I'm worn out," I said. "I think I'm going to head back and crash at the inn."

  "Sounds like a plan to me," Rondo said, smiling over at me.

  "I must let you know that the Keart Goblins hold your oath to us fulfilled," Iasz said, walking up to me.

  "I'm a man of my word, and you're good people," I said, nodding to Graard standing behind him. "I owe Graard my life and probably our success."

  "Still, you honored the pact you made with my tribe," Iasz said. "That is not something most humans would do. We are honored to have an alliance with you."

  Congratulations you have completed the quest: Missing Keart Goblins! You have earned 1500 XP, 2500 reputation points with the Keart Goblins, and 200 paragon points.

  Your reputation with the Keart Goblins has gone from Neutral (-99 to 99 points) to Minor Friendship (1000 to 4999 points). They are close to viewing you as a full-fledged friend and will treat you in this light.

  Congratulations you have reached Level 23!

  HP: 216 → 225

  MP: 336 → 350

  You have 12 unallocated stat points.

  You have 12 unallocated skill points.

  Congratulations you have completed the quest: Grow the Immoral Exiles! You have earned 100 XP. The Immoral Exiles has earned 100 XP.

  You have received a new quest: Grow the Immoral Exiles II

  "Your clan has started to grow. Keep up the progress to reach level 3. The following has been unlocked:

  Clan Hall Level 3

  Max Clan Members: 30

  Please meet the following criteria to reach level 3:

  Clan Members: 20 (13 currently)

  Clan XP: 1200 (1900 currently)

  Clan Hall Level: 3 (2 Currently)

  Type: Common

  Reward: 200 XP

  Penalty for Decline or Failure: None

  Do you accept this quest?

  Yes or No?

  Accepting the quest, I smiled at Iasz and said, "We are honored to have you as allies. Come, let us all rest for the night."

  The last of us took off down the street until we reached the tavern. Once inside, we found a naked Tits dancing on the bar and handing out shots to a rowdy group of villagers who gathered there with her.

  "Ryland," she yelled at me as I attempted to cross the floor unnoticed. "You need a shot."

  "I'm afraid not, Tits," I said, shaking my head. "This old man is tired and going to bed. Try not to burn down the tavern tonight, please."

  "You're not fun. We've got to celebrate our victory over the cult of death," Eldertits yelled back.

  "Is that what we're calling them now?" I asked dryly.

  "I think it sounds better than some old fuck who just wanted to die," she said, taking another swig of wine out of a bottle. Then, she pointed to a man in front of her and yelled, "Guess if Ryland's being a poon, it's your turn to take a shot."

  Shaking my head and with a false smile, I walked up the stairs thinking about my conversation with Axis and what it meant for the future.

  Chapter Twenty: Return to Istria

  The next morning, I woke up, went downstairs to the common room, and found a room full of people passed out. Eldertits, the group's leader, was passed out on top of the bar, still naked. Apparently, she was a woman of her word, and she did, in fact, drink all of the wine while on the bar naked.

  "Tits," I said, poking the woman in the side. "Get up and get dressed."

  "Ryland, is that you?" Eldertits replied groggily. "Stop jabbing at me and let me sleep."

  "No, you're naked on a bar. You need to wake up and get dressed," I replied flatly.

  "Sometimes you're really no fun," Eldertits said, sighing and sitting up.

  A couple of minutes later she'd equipped her clothes, and the two of us were sitting at a nearby table.

  "I need to talk to you about last night," I said.

  "What? You're not comfortable with getting drunk and naked on a bar?" Eldertits asked sounding annoyed.

  "No, I don't care about that," I responded, waving her response away and lowering my voice. "I need to talk to you, and maybe Rondo, about what happened when I called for a developer last night."

  "Oh," Eldertits said.

  After this, I filled her in on the creepy conversation I'd had with Axis. I needed to share this information with someone. Keeping it to myself was driving me crazy, especially because I couldn't figure out what to do about it.

  "That's quite interesting," Eldertits said, finally leaning back in her chair and sighing.

  "It's quite interesting, and?" I asked, a little annoyed that this was the only reaction out of her.

  "I don't fucking know," Tits snapped. "We have an AI overlord, and he threatened to butt fuck you. I have no idea how to deal with an all-powerful being who can control everything in this world. My recommendation is that we don't piss him off."

  "Super helpful, Tits," I muttered sarcastical
ly as I saw Elaria and Rondo come down the stairs together.

  "Have you two fucked yet?" Eldertits called over to them, apparently keen to change the topic of conversation. "If you're having trouble figuring out how it's done, I'm more than willing to guide his dick inside of Elaria."

  "Shut up, Tits," Elaria snapped looking a little embarrassed.

  "Sleep well?" I asked.

  "Looks like we slept better than the people in this room," Rondo muttered, looking around. "I suppose we're not getting breakfast today."

  "No, unfortunately, the chef turned out to be a psychopath, and we drove her off," I said smiling at him.

  I still wasn't comfortable with what Rondo did to Thomas, but I didn't feel like arguing, so I didn't say anything about it. Still, my trust in the man definitely took a hit after that.

  "Ah, well, guess we should hit the road soon," Rondo said, stretching his arms. "I don't know about you, but I am sure as hell ready to get out of this small town and back to civilization."

  "I'll second that," Eldertits said quickly. "Now that we've solved the mystery and drank all of the booze, there's really nothing to do in this town."

  "Don't you mean you drank all of the booze?" Elaria asked flatly.

  "I was trying to be nice and let you have a little bit of credit, Elaria," Eldertits replied, feigning annoyance.

  "I'll somehow survive without it," Elaria shot back.

  As we were about to get up from our table, Iasz and the other goblins entered the common room and made their way over to us.

  "Ah, good, we caught you before you left," Iasz said to me. "I wanted to thank you one last time and let you know you can call upon our tribe should you ever need aid."

  "Thank you, Iasz," I said, extending my hand out for him to shake. "I want you to know the same goes for you. Don't hesitate to ask the Immoral Exiles for assistance."