The Lonely Hearts Club

by Elizabeth Eulberg

  Seven ? Seven what?

  Clearly frustrated with me, she leaned in. "Steve is number seven on my list." She motioned to the row in front of us, where Steve Powell had sat down with some friends.

  I rolled my eyes.

  Tracy beamed. "This is the year the list is finally going to work. We have Paul tomorrow, and tonight. . ."

  I was praying she was kidding. in the first few days of school, the list that consisted of eight guys at McKinley was already down to four. Mark Dowd was crossed off for talking to Kathy Enrich too much in Trig, Eric Boyd had cut his hair too short, W. J. Ross had gotten a job at Tracy's least favorite fast-food restaurant, and Chris Miller committed the ultimate sin, dating Amy Gunderson over the summer. At this point, there wasn't going to even he a list by Homecoming.

  "Say something." Tracy kept poking me. I was going to have a serious bruise.

  "Um, okay. Do you know what Ryan's dad looks like?" I began to scan the crowd-I saw Ryan's mom, stepdad, and stepsister in the crowd, waving 60 RYAN! signs. I recognized all the parents around them; nobody looked like an older version of Ryan.

  Tracy groaned. "What? Who cares? Say something to Steve -- get his attention."

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  All of a sudden, she burst out in over-the-top laughter, complete with slapping her knee. As she doubled over, she moved her knee so it hit Steve's shoulder.

  "Oh, I'm so sorry." Tracy leaned forward and put her hand where her knee had been.

  Steve turned around and smiled. "Hey, Tracy, don't worry about it."

  "So how are classes going so far?" Tracy began.

  I looked on as Tracy worked her "magic" on Steve. I was impressed by the way it seemed so effortless, even though I knew it wasn't. Every once in a while, she'd touch his arm when she was making a point and she'd laugh at pretty much everything he said. I was so entertained by her and Steve that I wasn't even watching the game.

  "Hey, so are you guys going to Paul's tomorrow night?" Steve asked.

  Tracy smiled. "Of course. You?"

  Steve nodded. "Hey, is Diane going to go with you guys? I see that you've been hanging out with her at lunch the last couple of days."

  Tracy glared at Steve, bolted up in her seat, and headed toward the aisle.

  Steve looked at me. "What's with her?"

  I shrugged my shoulders as I got up to find her.

  if I was keeping count correctly, there were now only three guys left on her list.

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  chapter eleven

  I was ALMOST AFRAID TO LET Tracy drive the next night to Pauls house, for fear we'd be pulled over for Driving While Under the influence of a Boy. She was looking in the rearview mirror so often to check her makeup that you would've thought she was driving backward, not forward.

  When we finally pulled up outside Pauls house, there were already cars lining the entire left side of the street. We could hear music blaring from inside. I had a bad feeling about this.

  "How do I look?" Tracy asked for the twelfth time. I looked out the window and saw a couple of sophomore girls wearing tight jeans and tiny pieces of fabric that I could only assume were supposed to be shirts. I glanced down at my long-sleeved top and tan cords, feeling more and more unsure about all of this by the minute.

  We got out of the car and walked to the house. Suddenly, some guy burst out of the front door, startling both me and Tracy as he ran toward the bushes and threw up.

  Paul appeared in the doorway. "Dude, that is so not cool," then he started laughing and gesturing for people to come and watch.

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  Tracy cleared her throat, hoping that Paul would notice that she'd shown up.

  It worked. "Hey, guys!

  He motioned us to come inside, and I felt my heart start pounding. the odor of cigarette smoke stung my nose. My mom was going to kill me if she smelled cigarettes on me. And I didn't mean kill in a metaphoric way.

  Paul grabbed a random plastic cup from the table in the hallway and took a swig. "Keg's in the kitchen. Help yourself," he instructed. then he vanished among the mass of bodies in the next room.

  I glanced at the door, hoping we could make a quick getaway. When I looked back, Tracy was already on her way toward the kitchen.

  I hesitated, but began to follow her through the crowd of people. I scanned the room for familiar faces, but only recognized the standard football players and cheerleaders who Paul hung out with. Over in one corner were those two freshmen girls from the cafeteria, Missy and Ashley. Naturally, guys were all over them.

  We reached the kitchen and saw the line for the keg. Tracy leaned in, and I couldn't make out what she was saying over the music blaring from the stereo in the living room. then she screamed, 'Are you going to drink?" I shook my head back and forth.

  "Okay, good," she said.

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  I was glad to know Tracy still had some sense left in her.

  "You can be the designated driver then!'

  On second thought.. .

  My head started throbbing in time to the beat of the bass. As Tracy waited in line to get a beer, I tried to stand around like I belonged there, even though I felt so out of place, like I was on display.

  "Woo! Who's gonna shotgun a beer with me?" Todd screamed as he entered the kitchen. "Margarita!" He came over and placed his arm around my shoulder. "My girl Margarita is here, all right! time for the partay to start!" He started doing what was probably supposed to be the robot, but he'd obviously already had one too many to pull off any dance moves.

  Ryan came into the kitchen and looked a little concerned when he saw Todd grabbing me. "Hey, Todd, I think there are some freshmen girls in there wanting to hear all about your interception that got us into the Regionals last year."

  Todd ran over and gave Ryan a high five. "that's awesome! I don't want to disappoint the ladies." He left the kitchen as Ryan shook his head.

  "thought you needed some saving," he said to me.

  "thanks, he's, ah .. ."

  "Wasted. I keep telling him that one of these days he's going to get caught. Coach Fredericks would kick us off the team if he caught any of us drinking,"

  I nodded, but couldn't help notice that Ryan was also holding a cup. Was I going to have to drive everybody home?

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  "I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that you ended up coming," he said.

  "Why? Am I such a loser that I wouldn't come to some stupid keg party?" I was taken aback at how defensive I sounded.

  "No, no, not at all." Ryan held his hands up. "I didn't really think this was your kind of crowd. to tell you the truth, I'm relieved to see you. At least there's someone here who can talk about something other than sports or drinking or . . . well, you know." I was sure he was referring to the breakup. He gave me a smile as he pointed to his cup, which was filled with a dark liquid. "I'm getting some more soda -- do you want some?"

  I nodded, thankful that I didn't have to do a keg stand to hang out with Ryan. He walked over to a counter and put some ice in a cup for me while Tracy returned from the keg line and started to drink.

  "I can't believe how many girls are here," she said. "Well, wish me luck -- I'm going to go find Paul," Before I could say anything, she had taken a deep breath and was out in the living room,

  "Do you want to get away from the noise?" Ryan screamed over the music. I nodded, and we walked out to the far side of the backyard and sat under a big willow tree.

  "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you -- did that list ever work with your parents?" Ryan asked.

  "What list?"

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  He ran his fingers through his hair, "Top ten Reasons Penny Needs to Get a Car."

  I couldn't believe he remembered that. "No, the list didn't work. Not even with such gems as number six: Another venue to listen to Beatles music"

  "So, how often do you work at your dad's dentist office? it seems like every time I have a checkup, you're there."

  "Oh, not that often. Just a few days a week -- extra p
ocket money" I started to shiver, wishing I'd worn a sweater.

  He took off his letter jacket. "Here, wear this." I took the jacket and put it on -- it was way too big for me, but warm.

  "So, did you and Diane have fun the other night?" he asked.

  I looked down at the ground. talking to Ryan about Diane was making me uncomfortable. they seemed to talk a lot, but how was that possible? I usually pretended that any guy I had broken up with (or gotten dumped by) didn't exist anymore. Or, preferably, was dead.

  "Yeah, um, is that weird for you?" I asked.

  He studied me for a second. "I know that this might sound weird and I probably soundlike a big loser, but Diane has been such a huge part of my life the last few years. I cant imagine never speaking to her again. As much as people can't seem to grasp the concept, we re still friends."

  "You better be careful -- you might make Todd jealous.' I smiled at him.

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  He started to laugh. "Every year I keep thinking that Chesney will finally calm down, but he just keeps getting worse and worse." He shook his head. "You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but. . ."

  "What?" I asked, curious about what kind of gossip Ryan would have about Todd,,

  "Have you heard of dibs? the guys on the team call dibs on girls they like so no other guy will go after her."

  "Does the girl have any choice in this matter?" I asked. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me that guys did such a thing.

  Ryan shook his head. "Hey, I'm still trying to figure all of this stuff out, too, you know."

  "Uh-huh." I was so glad I didn't have to deal with this anymore.

  "So, anyways, be careful with Todd,."

  "Why? You know, besides the usual harassment."

  Ryan uncurled his long legs and stretched them out next to me. "Well, Todd, has a major crush on you and called dibs. And he can kind of be persistent when he has his mind set on something."

  Oh?

  Oh,

  Oh, no.

  I stayed silent. Ryan looked at me expectantly. I tried to not look completely disgusted. this was the last thing I needed.

  "Sorry," he said. "I probably shouldn't have told you that."

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  "No, that's okay" I assured him. "I guess I should've expected it. Are there even any girls left in our class that he hasn't dated?"

  Ryan shook his head. "You sell yourself short, Bloom.'

  I groaned. "Please -- this is Todd,, He's just... Can we not talk about Todd,?"

  "Fair enough. What do you want to talk about?"

  "Anything but Todd,."

  We continued talking about everything but Todd,. He told funny stories involving his summer job life guarding at the beach. I shared my theory that my mother was going to leave her job to stalk Paul McCartney full-time. We both pondered where Michael Bergman hung out between classes, since neither of us ever saw him at his locker, which was between ours. I also discovered that Ryan got freaked out whenever he would see my dad, because he didn't want to get in trouble for not flossing. (I stored that one away for future teasing.)

  And then Ryan ruined it all by defaming my character.

  "You're out of your mind," I protested,

  Ryan leaned his head back as he let out a laugh. "Oh, right -- so you're going to deny that you're a Goody two-shoes?"

  "First off," I began, "only a Goody two-shoes would use the expression 'Goody two-shoes! "

  "Point taken," he replied. "But come on -- don't think I didn't see what happened last year during locker inspections.

  Oh, crap.

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  "I don't know what you're referring to," I lied.

  Ryan sat up and leaned over so we were eye to eye. "You know."

  I shrugged, "Really, Ryan. I mean, with a Goody two-shoes like me .. ."

  He bolted upright. "Okay, then answer me this: Were you or were you not concealing alcohol in your locker when Braddock came by for inspections last spring"?"

  So not fair,

  "I technically wasn't hiding anything in my locker."

  "Oh, really-?"

  "Really."

  He stared me down with a smug look on his face. He knew he had me busted.

  "Yes, technically I didn't hide it."

  "But there was alcohol in your locker."

  I nodded. "But only because Michael put his coat in my locker at the last minute."

  "And why did he do that?"

  "Because he had a bottle of vodka in his jacket."

  "And ..."

  I looked at Ryan in confusion -- that was pretty much it. We had a surprise locker inspection near spring break, and Michael freaked out and shoved his jacket into my locker. I didn't even have a chance to say anything, as Braddock was inspecting Michael's locker with intensity . . and then pretty much passed mine by.

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  "Oh, wait. ,."

  Ryan's eyes sparkled. "You see."

  "Oh my God, people do think I'm a Goody two-shoes!'

  "that's why he did it -- he knew your locker would never get inspected." He started laughing as he playfully poked at my side.

  "Yeah, but what about you?"

  It was time for revenge.

  "Oh, I'm a total badass." He couldn't even get the words out with a straight face.

  "Right, I forgot. Exactly how many bad-a people are on Principal Braddock's kiss-up committee?"

  Ryan's eyes narrowed. "Student Advisory Committee, thank you very much,"

  "Oh, I'm sorry -- I know how hard it must have been for you to earn all those brownie points to get in."

  He gasped dramatically. "My entire life's goal has been to get into that committee. Don't you dare belittle it."

  "Oh, I wouldn't want to upset you. Hmmm ..." I got up to start surveying the ground near where we were sitting.

  "What are you looking for?" Ryan asked.

  "Your purse."

  He quickly stood up, and before I knew it he had me flung over his shoulders.

  "Put me down!" I screamed.

  He laughed while he twirled me around in response.

  It was only when I was back down on the ground, giggling

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  while I regained my balance, that I saw Diane examining the scene before her.

  "Hey, guys, urn . .." Diane looked awkward enough for the three of us. "Penny, I've been trying to find you for the past half hour. I didn't even see you come in. I think you may want to come inside -- Tracy isn't feeling so hot."

  Tracy!

  I was a horrible friend. I had completely forgotten that she was inside drinking, I gave Ryan back his jacket as we followed Diane inside. She led me into a bathroom on the second floor where Tracy was lying on the tile floor, looking a light shade of green.

  I bent down next to her and brushed her hair out of her face.

  "What is she doing here?" Tracy pointed at Diane.

  "Be nice." I started to help her off the floor.

  "Watt." Ryan came in, washed out his cup, and filled it with water, "She's going to need this first."

  Ryan, Diane, and I waited around in awkward silence for what seemed like ages while we forced Tracy to drink two cups of water. She stared at Diane the entire time.

  "You aren't going to take her away from me," she slurred.

  Diane began to reply but Ryan interrupted. "Okay, time to get you up and home."

  "Stop!" Tracy pushed Ryan away. "I don't want Paul to know I'm a mess. I can walk out myself. I want to say goodbye first."

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  Diane gave me a weird look that I couldn't read. "I don't think that's a good idea, Tracy," she said. "Seriously -- you should just make him wonder what happened to you, I might even let him know that you've had your share of guys hitting on you. . . ."

  Tracy liked the thought of that and agreed to go quietly.

  As we headed downstairs, we saw Todd, standing on the couch, dancing with his shirt off,

  "No way, Penny*'** he called out. "You can't leave!" He stumbled over
and nearly knocked me to the floor. Ryan grabbed Todd, to steady him. Meanwhile, Diane was trying to hold Tracy up, but Tracy kept trying to push her away.

  this was a nightmare.

  "Margreeeta," Todd, was slurring. "Margreeeeta, where've you been?"

  "She was out in the back talking to me," Ryan replied.

  Todd, pushed Ryan off of him. "God, Bauer! What, you need to . . . you need to . . . you can't. ."

  "I didn't do anything, Todd,. Calm down." Ryan grabbed him again by the shoulders. "Penny and I are just friends. I'd never do anything with her. You should know me better than that!"

  Yeah, and I should've known better than to have gone to this party. to make matters worse, Missy came running over. She threw her arms around Ryan and said, "Hey, sexy -- I've been looking all over for you!'

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  I took Tracy's hand and walked out to the car. Diane helped buckle her in as I adjusted the rearview mirror. Ryan came running over to the car (he somehow managed to escape from Missy's claws) and tapped on the window. I lowered it.

  "Sorry about that. I didn't want to give him any reason to be more upset."

  "It's fine," I started to fiddle with Tracy's radio.

  "Are you mad?"

  I took a deep breath, I didn't know what I was.

  "No, I'm fine, really. this evening has been a complete disaster."

  "Oh," he replied in a softer voice. "Well, I had fun."

  "Well, good for you."

  I turned on the engine and drove away.

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  chapter Twelve

  THINGS WERE A BIT AWKWARD the following morning. Tracy was hungover and miserable. Diane was coming over to talk, and I had a feeling it was about what she'd seen between me and Ryan.

  "Hey, how's Tracy feeling?" Diane said as she entered my bedroom.

  "Not so hot. She's in the shower now." I nodded toward the hallway. "there was no way I could've brought her home last night. I was able to sneak her in!'