Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1)

by Kelsey Clayton

  He lets out a long sigh, shaking his head and sitting down on the ground. I follow suit.

  “I guess she didn’t buy what I told her.”

  “What exactly did you tell her?”

  He picks up a rock and tosses it into the water. “That I just wasn’t feeling it anymore.”

  “Oh.” I pause. “Is that really why you did it?”

  “Kind of. The more I thought about not having you, the more I resented her for it. I just figure if I’m like this now, why put off the inevitable?”

  Okay, so he isn’t exactly wrong. He doesn’t see it going anywhere. I think Bree would rather be broken up with than lead on for longer. She’s very traditional. I know she’s looking for someone to spend her life with. Holden ending things was the better thing to do, even if it hurts her for now.

  He reaches over and takes my hand into his, interlacing our fingers and placing them on his lap. A warm feeling spreads throughout my body. Yet, I can’t stop picturing a heartbroken Bree sobbing on my lap.

  “Holden.” I breathe. “What are we doing?”

  He rubs the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index fingers. “I don’t know. All I know is that I like being around you, and I don’t want to stop.”

  “I don’t want to either.” I reply honestly. “But I also don’t want to end up being the next girl you cheat on. I respect myself too much for that.” He opens his mouth to speak but I put my index finger over it, shushing him immediately. I blush when he kisses it. “Let’s not ruin a good thing by complicating it.”

  “Okay. So, what are we then?”

  My head cocks to the side. “Friends?”

  “With benefits?” He asks, smirking.

  I laugh, shaking my head. “Sure.”

  He smiles brightly and moves toward me. Putting one hand on my face, he looks deep in my eyes. “Does that mean I can kiss you again?” He questions, his tone low and sulky.

  The butterflies come alive in my stomach and a chill runs down my spine. Not trusting my voice, I nod. He doesn’t hesitate. As soon as he gets permission, he leans forward and presses his lips to mine. Our tongues move together in an intricate dance. The way he caresses my cheek while his other hand rests on my side, it’s heavenly bliss.

  BY THE TIME I make it back to my dorm, it’s well past midnight. When Holden and I became too cold to sit outside any longer, we moved to his car, neither of us wanting to leave yet. I quietly shut the door and tiptoe towards my bed.

  “Kayleigh?” Bree asks, voice groggy.

  Shit. “Yeah?”

  She sits up and turns on her lamp. “What are you doing?” She grabs her phone and looks at it, then sighs and rubs her eyes.

  After draping my jacket over the back of a chair, I toe off my shoes and climb into my bed. “I was just out for a walk. Go back to sleep, love.”

  She nods, reaching over and turning the lamp back off before settling back into her bed. “Kayleigh?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you for being such a good friend.”

  I wince, feeling overwhelmed by the guilt. “You’re welcome. Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  I lie awake, trying to figure out what’s going on. Holden used to be someone I couldn’t stand to be around, let alone wanted to hook up with. If Bree found out about us, she would be devastated. The thought makes me feel sick. Yet, no matter the guilt, I can’t find it in me to stop. He gives me something to focus on instead of my thorough dislike for myself; it’s refreshing.

  HOLDEN STANDS IN FRONT of me, holding a plate with two pieces of pizza on it. I stay completely still, looking at it as if it’s poisoned. The grease glistens in the sunlight coming through the window, making my stomach churn.

  “Come on, take it.” He tells me. I shake my head. “Please?”

  “You are out of your mind if you think I’m going to eat that.”

  He places the plate on the nightstand next to me. The smell makes my mouth water, but at the same time I can only imagine how many pounds I’ll gain from eating it. That’s enough to make me try to avoid it. Holden sits on his bed in front of me and grabs my phone out of my hand, putting it down next to me.

  “Kayleigh, we’ve talked about this.”

  “No, you talked about this.”

  He smiles and shakes his head. “Still. You’ve been doing so well. You ate the eggs this morning, and the salad last night. This is just the next step. You can do this.”

  I give the pizza a second look and grimace. “There is a big difference between a salad and that.”

  “Okay, what about just one? I’ll eat the other.” He tries, pouting slightly to try to sway me. It works.

  I sigh. “Just one.”

  He lights up, basking in his win, and takes one of the slices from the plate. I tell myself it’s only 300 calories, trying to downplay it in my mind. I decide to go for a run later to help counteract the intake, and let myself indulge.

  Just as I’m finishing the slice, there is a hard pounding on the door.

  “Open the damn door, Holden!” A girl yells.

  Holden throws his head back and groans. “It’s Taylor.” He whines.

  My eyes widen and I begin to panic. If she sees me in here, she will tell Bree. Fuck.

  “What do we do!?” I whisper-shout.

  She pounds on the door again. “Holden!”

  “I’m coming, Christ.” He gets up and starts to walk toward the door. I get up and slip into the closet, peaking through the crack.

  I hear the door open and almost immediately Taylor bursts into the room.

  “Can I help you?” Holden asks her, clearly annoyed.

  Taylor looks around the room and then turns back to him. “What the fuck did you do to my best friend?!”

  He rolls his eyes and leans against the desk. “This really isn’t any of your business.”

  “The hell it isn’t.” She scoffs. “She’s heartbroken!”

  I can see the pain on Holden’s face. We’ve talked about this, numerous times. He didn’t want to hurt her. He just didn’t want to be with her anymore.

  “I know.” He says, so low I almost don’t hear it. “I’m sorry.”

  Taylor visibly calms. “If you’re upset about it too, why don’t you just get back with her? Go ask her! She’ll say yes.”

  Holden shakes his head. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?!”

  “Because I don’t want to. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

  Taylor runs her fingers through her hair. “No, it’s not. You two are perfect together. You’re just not thinking clearly.”

  He pushes off the desk and walks toward the door. “Actually, for the first time in a while everything is completely clear. And like I said, this is none of your business. So, thank you for coming. I’m sorry your friend is hurt, but you need leave.”

  She huffs, and stomps out of the room. As soon as I hear the door shut and lock again, I come out of the closet. Holden sits on the bed; his inner turmoil is evident. I walk over and sit down next to him.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “I feel bad.”

  “I know.” I sigh. “I don’t know why Taylor waited until now though. Bree has been fine the past few days.”

  “She has?” He questions hopefully.

  I nod. “She stopped wearing sweats to class on Thursday, and last night she was going out with friends.”

  He smiles shyly and reaches his hand out to grab mine. “Good. I’m glad she’s okay.”

  It’s moments like these that I see the part of Holden I saw at the grocery store. He’s so caring and sweet. I know he really didn’t mean to hurt Bree. He just knew that if he stayed in a relationship that was going nowhere, he would end up hurting her more in the long run. However, he still hates the fact that she’s upset. I’ve been with him every day this week and to me, it’s clear. He cares about her, just not in that way.

  “Come on.” I tell him, standing up and pulling him by hi
s hand. “We’re going out.”

  I start to walk toward the door, but he catches me. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me toward him. I spin around in his hold to face him.

  “I’d much rather stay in.” He says.

  He dips his head down and kisses me, putting all his desires into it. I kiss back hungrily.

  Staying in works too.

  Chapter Eleven

  Halloween has never really been my thing. When I was younger I used to love going trick or treating. However, as I got older, the appeal of it dissipated. The parties made it less of how scary something can be and more of how slutty someone can dress. So, when Holden invited me to the Halloween Party at Kappa Delta Phi, I politely declined.

  “No way.” I laugh. “Miley’s 2013 shenanigans were way worse than Amanda’s downfall.”

  Bree shakes her head, chuckling. “Kayleigh, the girl tweeted at Obama and asked him to fire the cop who gave her a DUI.”

  The thought is absurd. “Okay, maybe you’re right.”

  The two of us are hanging out, watching videos of crazy celebrities. I take a picture of the bowl of skinny popcorn in front of me and discreetly send it to Holden. His reply is instant.

  Holden: Good! I’m so proud of you.

  I can’t fight the smile that forces its way upon my face. Bree notices and tosses popcorn at me.

  “What are you all smiley about?” She asks.

  “Nothing. It’s no big deal.”

  “Oh, come on.” She presses. “Is it a boy? It has to be a boy. Who is it? Tell me.”

  I laugh at her excitement. “Trust me, it’s nothing. If it becomes something, you’ll be the first to know.”

  Thankfully she accepts my downplaying and leaves the topic alone. It’s only been a couple of weeks since her and Holden split up. She’s been much better than she was, but I still can’t tell her. It’s way too soon, and besides, I’m not lying. As of right now, there is nothing to tell. We’re friends – we just happen to hook up occasionally.

  A knock at my door pulls me out of my thoughts. Since I’m closer to the edge of the bed, I get up. I walk over to the door and open it without looking who’s there – instantly, I regret it.

  “Hello darling.”

  “What are you doing here?” I deadpan.

  “Now, is that anyway to greet your mother?” She barges past me and into my room. “Brianna, it’s so nice to see you again.”

  “Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Jacobs.” She replies.

  “It’s Hartman. She’s remarried.” I murmur, climbing back onto Bree’s bed.

  “Honey, she can call me whatever she’d like.” My mother tells me. “Though personally, I prefer Jessica.”

  “Jessica, it is then.” Bree smiles. “Kayleigh didn’t tell me you were coming.”

  “That’s because Kayleigh didn’t know.” I say in third person, tossing a piece of popcorn into my mouth.

  “Well don’t sound so disappointed. You would have known if you answered your phone every now and then.” She accuses me. “And what did I tell you about eating that crap. You know what it does to your figure.”

  She takes the bowl of popcorn from my lap and puts it on the desk. Immediately, my chest becomes tight. I can feel my anxiety attack building rapidly, and the only thing I can think to do is get the hell out of here.

  Cut the shit, Kayleigh. Anxiety is just a figment of your imagination.

  The memory of my mother’s voice plays in my head. She has never understood, or even tried to for that matter. It took me becoming 18 and making my own doctor’s appointment before I got medication for my anxiety. Still, even with a doctor’s professional opinion, she thinks I’m over exaggerating.

  I get up from the bed, throwing my shoes on as fast as I can manage. When I’m done, I run out the door, ignoring my mother’s protests from behind me. As I exit the building, I shiver from the cold. In my haste, I forgot to grab a jacket or hoodie. To get one would mean going back in there, and I’m not willing to do that.

  Every part of me wants to make myself throw up the popcorn. My mother is right. It’s going to make me even fatter and no one likes a fat girl. Holden will realize that he can get so much better than me, and he will leave like everyone else.

  You’re beautiful, Kayleigh. Absolutely stunning.

  Visions of Holden running his fingertips over my body cause me to hesitate. He knows how to calm me down, and he won’t be happy if I purge. Instead of giving in to my urges, I start to run, knowing exactly where I’m heading.

  I PUSH THROUGH THE crowd of people and make my way into the house. I try to remember what costume he said he was wearing, but I come up empty. Thankfully, my panic attack subsided before I got here. Still, though, I need to find Holden.

  I look around the house, checking the living room and the kitchen. I even go outside to check the backyard. I can’t seem to find him anywhere. Maybe this was a bad idea. I start to head toward the door when a voice stops me.

  “Kayleigh?” Holden asks from his place at the beer pong table. “What are you doing here?” I shake my head and continue my way to the exit. “Hey, wait up!” He yells, and finally I stop. He catches up to me in a matter of seconds. “What’s wrong? Where’s your jacket? You must be freezing.”

  “Nothing. I’m fine. Enjoy your party.” I lie and try to walk away, but he grabs my wrist.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” He pulls me back toward him. “Talk to me.”

  I shake my head, again. “It can wait, really.”

  A girl dressed as a slutty nurse calls his name from where he was just stood at the table. “Come on, we’re winning. It’s our turn.”

  Holden waves her off dismissively. “Let Jason take my place.” She doesn’t hide her disappointment, sending me a dirty look. “Come on, let’s go to my room.”

  He places his hand on my lower back and leads us through the house and up the stairs. I wait for Holden to close the door behind us, feeling obnoxiously dependent.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” I tell him, but he shakes his head.

  “Don’t worry about it.” He walks us over to his bed and I go willingly into his arms. “So, you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

  I frown as I look up at him. “My mom showed up at my dorm tonight.”

  Holden and I have talked about my home life – more specifically about how my mother’s comments started my eating disorder. Therefore, it’s no surprise to me when he automatically understands where I’m going with this.

  “Did you do anything?” He asks.

  I shake my head. “No. I wanted to though. It took her all but two minutes to comment on me eating popcorn and what it would do to my figure.”

  “Bitch.” He scoffs and I giggle.

  “I wanted to purge. I almost did.”

  He moves us so I’m sitting on the bed alone and he’s kneeling on the floor, looking up at me so we’re forced to make eye contact.

  “But you didn’t. You came here instead. Do you know how huge that is?” I roll my eyes. “No. Don’t downplay this. A month ago, you never would have been eating the popcorn in the first place, let alone keeping it down through something like that. I am so proud of you.”

  My eyes start to water at his sincerity. It’s been years since someone has made me feel like I’m not just a list of bad decisions. Those times died along with my grandmother when I was sixteen.

  I pull Holden back up onto the bed and lay with my head on his chest, just enjoying the feeling of safety I get around him. Looking around the room, I notice the door is still unlocked.

  “You didn’t lock the door?” I ask, peeking up at him through my lashes.

  He shakes his head. “No reason to. I didn’t bring you up here so we could hook up.”

  “You didn’t?” I’m slightly surprised, since every time we’ve been together, we’ve fooled around.

  “Kayleigh, just because you’re not my girlfriend, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

>   I hum contently, and nuzzle into his neck. “Yeah, but I ruined you hooking up with that bimbo.”

  “Bimbo?” He laughs and I nod. “I can’t remember the last time I heard someone use that word.”

  I shrug, smiling at how relaxed we are. “Still fitting.”

  I ignore the discomfort in my stomach that comes when he doesn’t deny that was his plan. He chose me over her, and that’s all that matters.

  The next couple of hours are filled with lazy kisses and laughter. When I’m ready to leave, Holden protests, asking me to stay. I hesitate. The last time I spent the night here was when I drunkenly kissed Caleb and had sex with my roommate’s boyfriend. Since then, I haven’t been able to think of a good excuse to tell Bree.

  I take out my phone and compose a quick text message to my roommate.

  Me: Is she still there?

  Her immediate reply tells me she’s still awake.

  Bree: No. She left after an hour or so. Said she’s staying at the Hilton.

  I roll my eyes. Of course, she is.

  Me: Ok. I’ll head there then. Thank you.

  Reaching over, I place my phone on the nightstand. Holden looks at me curiously, but keeps his hold just as tight.

  “I thought you were going to see your mom.”

  I chuckle softly. “No, just used the opportunity to spend the night here. Do you still want me to?”

  He smiles brightly. “Do I still want you to?” In an instant, he starts tickling me. I try to fight him off but he’s much stronger than I am. When he thinks that we’ve called a truce, I manage to get on top of him. I sit on his hips and pin his arms above his head. He doesn’t seem to mind.

  I hover above him and ghost my lips along his, teasing and tantalizing. Every time he tries to kiss me, I back up slightly. He may not be ticklish but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to mess with him. By the third time it happens, he arches his hips up, grinding himself against me. My breath hitches and I lose focus on the task at hand. Within seconds, Holden removes his hands from my grasp and places one on my cheek and the other on the back of my neck.