Escape

by Carolyn Jessop

  My father and Rosie were happy about my marriage, which made it feel even more surreal. If they loved me, how could they have let me go through something so hateful? I knew they thought Merril was a man of God and would never do anything hurtful or wrong in God’s eyes. My parents thought that my marriage was a blessing from God because it had been revealed through the prophet. My happiness, in their view, was dependent on my willingness to do the will of God, no matter how painful that might be to me.

  At night, when we were alone in the motel, Merril would spend most of his time watching TV or consoling Barbara on the phone. She was unhappy about being left behind. He kept assuring her that he loved her. I said nothing and in bed tried to avoid any contact with him. Once when he tried to caress my breast I stiffened in terror and he quit.

  The next day Merril bought some construction equipment at the auction. I listened to the bidding and selling and felt that I was just another piece of property that Merril owned. Merril called Barbara several times during the day. I didn’t want him to pay attention to me, but I thought he’d at least acknowledge my presence or speak to me in the van. I was used to being treated like a person.

  We spent the last day of our trip driving through California’s redwood forest and shopping in San Francisco’s Chinatown. My father had been in real estate and often took us with him when he had to travel. I’d been to San Francisco and the redwood forest with him several times before when I was younger. I was fortunate to have seen as much as I did before I married Merril because it opened my eyes and taught me a lot about the world outside my own. But it felt weird to see these places with a strange man and know that he was now my husband.

  Merril made a big point of buying some cheap Chinese fans for his daughters and wives. We drove through much of the night to get back home to Colorado City. Merril stayed with me for an hour or two before heading into Barbara’s bedroom.

  My first impression the next morning was that the house was immaculate and well organized. I’d soon see that this was a sham.

  The first clue that something might be off was when Ruth came out of the kitchen, where she’d been preparing breakfast, to greet Merril, who’d emerged from Barbara’s room showered and dressed. He kissed her and said, “It’s good to see you, Ruthie.”

  Ruth nodded stiffly. “It is very good to see you. It was hard not to talk to you all week.”

  That seemed odd. Merril was always on the phone. I’d assumed when he wasn’t talking to Barbara, he was speaking to his other wives, Ruth and Faunita. Merril responded by asking Ruth to gather up his beautiful daughters and lovely wives. He took my hand and led me back into my bedroom. Kissing me, he asked me to get the fans we’d bought in Chinatown.

  I dug the fans out of my suitcase and went into the kitchen. Barbara was there, and I noticed her eyes were red and swollen. It looked like she had been crying all night. Merril’s ten teenage daughters—the nusses—surrounded him like a tribe of smiling girls. He had four other daughters between the ages of nine and twelve and they were part of the adoring chorus around him. Everyone seemed excited about the fans from Chinatown. It seemed fake and unnatural to me, but not to them.

  After the fans were handed out to his wives and daughters, Merril turned and handed me the last one, saying, “This fan is for my lovely wife Carolyn as a memory of our first trip together.” He then announced that he and Barbara were leaving that morning for Page and his construction company. Merril told me to help Ruth in the kitchen and spend time getting to know his family.

  As soon as Merril left, I went into his office and called my teachers at school. I was desperate to reschedule my finals and relieved when I found out I could still get credit for my classes if I took my exams that week, which I could—the community college was in town and used the same building as the regular school.

  I finished all my finals by Friday, came home, and collapsed. The last two weeks had severed me from the only life I’d ever known. I knew Merril would never let me go to medical school, and it was pushing it to even get to be a teacher.

  I’d heard he needed a new secretary in Page. Barbara was his traveling secretary. Margaret, Merril’s oldest daughter, had been the other secretary who worked in the office, but she’d gotten married and was now living in Salt Lake City. Merril needed help, and fast. I was afraid he might force me to take her job and quit school. Merril had said something about it to me on his way out the door with Barbara earlier in the week.

  The next morning I went for a bike ride with Audrey, who was twenty and Merril’s oldest unmarried daughter—the nuss princess who had held up graduation. Audrey was graceful and quite pretty. I’d always liked her, even though she was a nuss, because she didn’t put on airs and pretend to be superior to her sisters.

  I asked her if she thought Merril might force me to become his secretary. “Barbara has been his traveling secretary. But she has nine children she never sees. It makes more sense for him to start using you since you’re a young wife with no children,” she said. “This would give Barbara a chance to be with her kids.”

  “Audrey, do you really think she wants to be home with her children while I’m away with Merril? Your father called her constantly on the trip and spent ten times more time comforting her than he did doing anything else. I can’t see how she’d be happy with me taking her place.”

  Audrey was quiet for a moment, carefully considering her words before she spoke. “Well, maybe she needs to learn what it is like to be the one who has to stay home rather than be the one who gets all the rewards and abuses everyone else.”

  I didn’t know much about the family yet, but I knew I did not want to be involved with teaching someone else a painful lesson. It seemed that if Barbara had really wanted to be home with her children, she could have split the travel time with Merril’s other wives.

  “Carolyn, right after you married Father, all of Barbara’s children were talking about you being the wife to travel with him. They were hoping that she would stay home with them. They all want their mother. They’re excited because now they think there’s a chance they might have a mom.”

  I asked Audrey what Barbara in fact did as Merril’s traveling secretary. “When I’ve been in the office, all I’ve ever seen her do is color flowers and call Father on the radio every two minutes. She’d take him drinks on the job and then go out to dinner with him every night.”

  I told Audrey that I thought the last thing Barbara wanted in Page was another of Merril’s wives. “I haven’t gotten one warm feeling or gesture from her,” I said. “I don’t think she’s happy that I married her husband.”

  Audrey didn’t miss a beat. “Of course she’s not happy about you marrying Father. She’s been his only wife ever since he married her, and you might change that.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and looked at Audrey in shock. “What do you mean, she is your father’s only wife?”

  Audrey suddenly looked stricken. “I think I have said too much already. We really should be getting home.”

  My head was spinning. Why didn’t Audrey want to talk to me any more about what was going on in this strange family I’d just married into? For eighteen years, I’d always known where I stood and what was expected of me. Even though my mother was abusive, I grew up in a home that was very structured, and my father was exceedingly well organized. But in less than two weeks, ever since I’d asked my father if I could go to college, my world had turned upside down.

  That weekend was tense. Merril spent one night in my bedroom. He didn’t interact with the rest of the family at all. He and Barbara went into town on Saturday and spent the rest of the day in her bedroom talking. He didn’t say goodbye to anyone when he left for Page on Monday morning. Nancy, one of Merril’s daughters, went with him. I was hoping this meant she might be taking Margaret’s job. More than anything, I wanted to stay in college. It was absolutely the only chance I had to make something of myself. It was a tiny plot of solid ground on which I would have a
t least a foothold on a future.

  The next weekend was equally tense. Merril spent both nights in my room and on Monday morning asked me to bring coffee to him in his office. Barbara was sitting in a chair next to her desk. Her long wavy hair was a rich auburn. She was only about five foot four, but after nine children she weighed close to two hundred pounds. Merril took a sip of coffee before he spoke. “Barbie, I’ve decided to have Carolyn come with us to Page this week.”

  She looked betrayed. Anger swept over her face as she stared at Merril. “I thought you and I discussed this and we both decided Carolyn wasn’t coming to Page.”

  Merril shot right back. “She’s not going to be working at Page. I’m taking her on a little trip this week.”

  Barbara looked like the wind had been sucked right out of her. Her voice was quivering as she looked at Merril and said, “When are you going to take me on a little trip?” Then she fled out of the room in tears.

  I wanted to throw up. Merril laughed. He said he needed to check on some paperwork in Barbara’s bedroom and left the office. He stayed in Barbara’s room for a long time.

  I sat in Merril’s office and tried to process what I’d just seen. My father made every effort to treat his two wives fairly. There was never any explosive tension between them. Audrey’s comment about Barbara being Merril’s only wife was unsettling. It was clear that when Merril was home, he spent no time with either Faunita or Ruth. When he was away and called home, Barbara was the only wife he talked to. It was also clear that she saw me as a threat. Every time Merril spent the night with me it seemed he’d spend the entire next day making it up to Barbara. I detested being in the middle of conflict—just hated it.

  I went into the kitchen to help Ruth make lunch for the preschoolers. Ruth wore her black hair in a tight knot. She looked unhealthy; her face was sunken and hollow. Merril came in after an hour or so and said I wouldn’t be traveling with him after all. He and Barbara had decided that I should stay home and help Ruth with the cooking, housework, and laundry. But there was more. “Barbara has decided that Jackson [her nine-month-old son] is old enough to stay at home now. We both feel that you should be the one to take care of him and make sure he has everything he needs while his mother is gone.”

  I had never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours. My shock gave way to fury as I realized I was a pawn in their game. Barbara called the shots in this family. Merril pretended to wield power but it was a façade. Ultimately, he kowtowed to Barbara’s every demand. If she had her way, I’d never go to college.

  They left without saying goodbye or giving me any instructions about Jackson. I went to find him when I realized they were gone. He was careening around in a walker in a drenched diaper when I spotted him. I sat beside him, overwhelmed. What was I supposed to do with him? I knew nothing about his schedule, how many bottles a day he took, or how much solid food he ate. His sister, who was not quite six, was watching him. I couldn’t believe Barbara hadn’t even said goodbye to them or bothered to change his diaper.

  Ruth was on a cleaning rampage. She was tearing the house apart, washing walls, scrubbing corners, and emptying shelves. This seemed to be her response to Merril taking me as wife number four. I assumed she was channeling all her emotions into cleaning obsessively and her daughters were being forced to help. She always acted unhappy around me and often when I saw her I thought she looked like she’d just been crying.

  Jackson didn’t eat much that first day. I began to worry. His stomach felt as hard as a rock. I tried to get him to sleep, but he wouldn’t stop crying. I was worried and called Page to speak to Barbara. Nancy told me they had gone to dinner. I said I needed to speak to her as soon as they came back because I was worried about Jackson.

  Barbara never called. I stayed up with Jackson almost all night. He was so unhappy and fussy. At 6 A.M. he finally took his bottle and went to sleep. Merril called around eight and asked how Jackson was doing. I said he’d cried most of the night but had finally fallen asleep early that morning. “Well, it sounds like we left him in capable hands,” Merril said.

  I ignored the compliment and said, “I don’t understand why Barbara didn’t call last night to tell me what to do with her baby.”

  Merril corrected me in a condescending tone. “Carolyn, he is our baby and as much your responsibility as Barbara’s.”

  I told Merril that I thought Barbara knew a lot more about what her son needed than I did. Merril continued, “That will change. Barbara and I decided last night that it would be good for you to learn how to care for Jackson on your own without interference from either one of us.”

  I was angry. How could they be so cruel both to Jackson and to me? Then Merril said I was to come to Page the next day and travel with him to Phoenix and California. I felt blindsided. Barbara had made it clear that she didn’t want me to travel with Merril. Who was going to take care of Jackson? “That will not be a problem,” Merril said. “I will arrange for his care. All you need to worry about is getting ready to come with me.”

  I was numb from shock and dizzy from the constant changes. There was no time to adjust to anything. I did not want be alone with Merril both day and night. Jackson was up much of the second night and I slept little. When I finally dozed off I slept right through the alarm. I didn’t get to Page until midafternoon, but that didn’t matter. Merril was running late. Barbara treated me like ice. I’m sure she hated that I was leaving with Merril.

  We drove to Flagstaff, where we were to have dinner. But Merril got a migraine en route and could not continue to drive. We checked into a hotel and went to sleep. It was late the next morning before Merril felt well enough to travel. But it was too late. Uncle Roy and the others we were going to meet had already left for California. We went on to Phoenix, where Merril had some business. But late the next day we turned around and went back to Page and then home.

  Merril and I didn’t talk much in the car. He seemed preoccupied with business. He was always jotting down notes and stopping to make calls. We didn’t know each other at all and he didn’t seem interested in getting to know me. The risk for him, I suppose, was that if he started to like me, he’d complicate his life with Barbara.

  The tension in the household was always high on weekends, especially after I returned from the trip with Merril. Barbara was sulking and refused to come into the house. Merril spent a long time talking to her in her van. After a while he emerged and told me to put her four daughters and son Danny to bed. Merril said he would sleep with me after he took Barbara for a drive.

  Barbara had a small nursery off her room with bunk beds for her four daughters. Danny, who was three, had a small bed of his own on the floor. It took me a while to get the children bathed and ready for bed. By that time, Merril and Barbara had returned and were in her bedroom. The girls had heard their mother come in, but it was Danny who ran into her room before I could stop him.

  Minutes later, I heard Danny crying. “Mommy, why did you hit me? Why did you hit me, Mommy?” Barbara had been away from her children for an entire week and now, after just a few minutes, was slapping her son for missing her.

  I felt guilty. Even though I had no say in the matter, I felt that if Merril hadn’t married me, maybe Barbara wouldn’t be slapping her son around. I hated the tension and conflict in Merril’s family. Every time he did something with me it seemed that the rest of the family paid a price.

  I got into bed and felt sick at the thought that I might never have a relationship with a man other than Merril. There was nothing natural about an eighteen-year-old woman being married to a fifty-year-old man she knew little about and cared for even less. I didn’t know much about sexual intimacy beyond duty and baby making. Maybe it could be pleasurable; there had to be more than fear, dread, and panic. Thankfully, Merril never showed up that night and I just went to sleep.

  The next morning I found Audrey and asked her if she could go on another bike ride with me. Half an hour later, we were on our way to the reservoi
r. It was so early the sun hadn’t even come up yet. We sat on a big rock that overlooked the water. Audrey was the only person in the family who had been friendly toward me. I felt she could tell me things that might help me survive.

  Audrey was Faunita’s daughter. She said that after Barbara married Merril, he stopped sleeping with Faunita. Barbara made it clear to him that she would be the only wife with whom he had a sexual relationship.

  Merril’s first two marriages were disasters, according to Audrey. His marriage to Faunita—his first—had been arranged by the prophet because at the time Merril, who was then in his twenties, was in love with someone else but she was not a member of the FLDS. Her parents were adamantly opposed to her marrying into a religious cult. But Merril persisted. He felt her parents would eventually relent if he kept dating her.

  The prophet, Uncle Roy, told Merril this would never work and ordered him to marry Faunita. Merril balked. But several months later he was reprimanded by the prophet for being disobedient about his assigned marriage and told that God was not pleased with his actions.

  Audrey said that Merril was forced into marrying her mother, which he did. But he refused to have sex with her. Somehow Uncle Roy learned the truth about their marriage and reprimanded Merril again. He ordered him to be a husband to Faunita and give up the idea of having the other woman. Merril realized he had lost his true love and blamed Faunita. This was the source of his deep aggression toward her.

  After several terrible years with Faunita, Audrey said, Merril was forced to marry Ruth. He resisted this marriage as well, until he was reprimanded by the prophet and forced to wed. Ruth had never been emotionally stable. Audrey said she’d had two breakdowns before she even married Merril. She was exceedingly fragile, and Merril had zero interest in having a real relationship with her.

  Barbara—who was Ruth’s half sister—entered the picture when Merril was thirty-eight and she was eighteen. Audrey said Barbara was hotheaded and thought Merril was a joke of a man. But after two unhappy marriages to women he had no interest in, Merril was ready for something else. Barbara and Merril both loved power and domination and didn’t care who got hurt in the process.