Escape

by Carolyn Jessop

  We all had breakfast before driving to the airport. Barbara was sitting next to Merril and seemed totally heartbroken about losing him for seven days. It was the longest separation they’d had in the four years since I’d been married to Merril. Merril seemed filled with dread. But there was no way out for him. If he took just Barbara, his image within the community would be damaged. He had to at least feign commitment to his other wives. When he kissed Barbara goodbye, she began to cry.

  We piled into the car for the drive to the Las Vegas airport. There was so much luggage that it had to be crammed in around Cathleen and me in the backseat. Tammy had claimed the front seat to be next to Merril. She talked nonstop. Tammy was a geyser of gossip and kept spewing. Merril said almost nothing during the three-hour drive.

  When Cathleen tried to engage in the conversation, Tammy cut her off and accused her of being rude. According to Tammy, this was her trip and the conversation should focus only on her. She told Cathleen not to interrupt. Cathleen began to pout.

  Merril was despondent over leaving Barbara. I was upset about leaving Arthur and Betty and weak from morning sickness. Cathleen was sullen and self-pitying. Tammy was manic and agitated on her double dose of Clomid and completely obsessed with getting pregnant.

  We were traveling with about six other FLDS couples. It was not uncommon within the community for members who could afford it to take several vacations a year to places like Cancún or California.

  We were quite a sight in the airport in our long dresses and long underwear. It’s a safe bet that we were the only ones traveling to Hawaii without bikinis, shorts, or T-shirts. The men were casually dressed in slacks and shirts while we were all shrouded in our multiple layers. People stared at us, but we didn’t care.

  The strange looks we got didn’t bother me because I still believed we were God’s chosen people. I was only twenty-two and my childhood faith continued to be absolute. Even though I didn’t want to marry Merril, it didn’t challenge my belief system in any way. I never doubted the central tenet of our faith, which said that in order to come to earth a spirit must be worthy to incarnate into a priesthood home. We had to prove ourselves worthy before we could inhabit the spirit of a child.

  The fact of our birth meant we were precious spirits—one in a million—and when the last days came, we would be the ones who would be lifted up to heaven in the rapture. So by the time you’re born into the FLDS culture, you’ve already won a lottery of sorts. You’re a spirit chosen to do God’s work on earth, which is priceless. When God gives one of his children so much, it carries a lot of responsibility. Over and over we’re told, “Where much is given, much is required.”

  So while I thought it was strange and uncomfortable when people stared at me, I did not feel embarrassed. I was one of the pure and select. I looked down on the people who thought I looked strange. They were wicked and less evolved.

  Tammy insisted on sitting next to Merril on the flight from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Cathleen and I sat two seats behind them. We changed planes in Los Angeles. Merril had two empty seats on either side of him, and after Tammy grabbed one, I took the other. This infuriated Cathleen, who took an empty seat next to Tammy. But she felt like the outsider and started pouting and sniveling. Merril made some snide remark and Cathleen stormed to the back of the plane where there were empty seats. Soon we could hear her sobbing.

  The other passengers stared at us and tried to fathom our strange behavior. The several other couples from Colorado City pretended nothing was amiss out of respect for Merril. Tammy felt victorious now that Cathleen had been reduced to tears and exiled to the back of the plane.

  Then Tammy took aim at me. How could I abandon my sister wife? How could I be so selfish and inconsiderate? I ignored her until that became impossible and then I blurted out that I had no intention of babysitting Cathleen. Merril started to laugh. It was the first time he seemed engaged with any aspect of the trip since his tearful parting with Barbara.

  It was a long flight. The drama continued almost nonstop. I put on my headphones and watched the movie. During this era in the FLDS, some people had TVs in their homes, and it was not uncommon to occasionally go to movies in theaters. While I had contact with the outside world in some limited ways—mostly through school and college—being on a plane was unusual to me. But when we finally touched down in Honolulu I was exhausted.

  Merril and I walked off the plane together and someone came up to us and threw leis around our necks. A tourist photographer took our picture. Tammy barged in and said that she and Cathleen were also part of the couple. She insisted that another picture be taken of the four of us together.

  We took the shuttle bus to our hotel. I sat next to Merril, which sent Tammy into the stratosphere. She started badgering him. “Father, are Cathleen and I part of this trip, too?”

  Merril was unresponsive. Tammy continued, “Father, who are you planning on sleeping with tonight?” Her questions got more specific. “Why are you sitting by Carolyn again? Are you only going to have sex with her? Do we get to be included?”

  The other tourists were trying not to stare at this freak show. I was mortified. Even the other couples from Colorado City seemed to be embarrassed. My father was blushing. I knew Tammy’s bizarre talk made him uncomfortable. Merril acted as though he were somewhere else. He did not react as Tammy dredged up all of our dirty laundry and flung it in his face.

  When we got to the hotel, Merril said he had a bad headache. He told Cathleen and me to take one of the two rooms and kissed us both good night. Tammy felt like she’d just been crowned queen.

  Cathleen was in a terrible mood, still frothing mad about the way she had been treated on the plane. I tried to talk to her, but she refused. Not much time had passed before Tammy was knocking on our door. She was extremely upset and agitated. Merril had told her he had a headache and went right to sleep. He refused to have sex with her. She wanted our sympathy because we were both pregnant and she was not.

  But she did not get it. She was maddening, manipulative, and mean. Cathleen and I ordered dinner from room service. She refused to speak to me, so we ate in silence.

  Welcome to paradise.

  Early the next morning, Merril knocked on our door and asked if we were ready for breakfast. We followed him to an exquisite garden restaurant overlooking the ocean. I was awed by the beauty surrounding us. The air smelled salty and the breeze, silky. I wanted to drink in the intense colors, but the day’s first fiasco was already launched—who would get to sit next to Merril?

  Tammy had taken one seat and I the other. In the confrontation that ensued, Cathleen ended up refusing even to eat at our table. Tammy continued her rant: “You sat next to him on the plane and on the shuttle bus….” The waitress came to take our order, but she had to wait until Tammy’s tirade subsided.

  We finally ordered, ate, and left for our first day of sight-seeing. The other couples rented snappy convertibles to zip around Oahu. But Merril rented a van. I think he was determined that none of us would enjoy the trip. It was his way of retaliating for not being able to bring Barbara along.

  The fresh air in a convertible would have helped with my terrible morning sickness. I vomited several times a day. The winding roads didn’t help, either. I had to ask Merril to pull over so I could throw up. I felt wretched. In the tropical heat, my long dress and long underwear compounded my misery.

  Merril noticed how awful I felt and stopped to get me some food. This drove Cathleen around the bend. She was pregnant, too, but Merril paid no attention to her at all. She couldn’t fake nausea, but she did start complaining of a headache. Merril stopped to buy her some aspirin and then kept paying attention to me. I didn’t want attention. I just wanted to quit throwing up. We stopped for food, which seemed to help me.

  After a few hours of this, Tammy announced she’d had enough of my behavior. I was ruining her trip. Why didn’t I stay in the hotel if I felt so sick? I told Tammy that it was good for Merril to take care of
his pregnant wife, and if that was too much of an inconvenience, she could ride with one of the other couples.

  We finally returned to the hotel and went to dinner. I opted to sit with my dad and his wife Rosie. It was wonderful to have a lovely meal without having to listen to any whining or complaining. But the respite was short-lived.

  When I returned to the hotel Merril said to bring my things and spend the night with him. He told Tammy she’d be staying with Cathleen. She was annoyed.

  “Father, all you ever do when you stay with me is sleep. You’ve already gotten Carolyn pregnant. It isn’t right for you to be having sex with her.” Merril’s failure to respond angered Tammy more. “You had a headache last night, so we didn’t have sex. Carolyn and Cathleen are already pregnant. I’m not.”

  Merril didn’t react. Tammy wouldn’t quit. “I know you feel better tonight and you are going to have sex with the person you stay with. That should be me. You already made me come on this trip with them. I have to share you all day, but I don’t think I should have to share you at night.” I was appalled but didn’t engage with her. I took my suitcase and went to Merril’s room, relieved not to have to be sharing a bedroom with either Tammy or Cathleen.

  Merril turned on the TV. Within moments, the phone was ringing. Tammy was still on the attack. Merril enjoyed the attention. It fed his narcissism. He loved that his wives were fighting over who would have sex with him. He didn’t care if Tammy was unstable. I’m not sure he even noticed. She called a few more times that evening. I learned later that she told Cathleen that part of her rant was that Merril had sex with me when I was pregnant, which was a sin within the FLDS.

  Part of the FLDS doctrine is that a man should abstain from sex with his pregnant wife. But there’s a loophole. A man who has attained priesthood is believed to have the spirit of God within him. His “inspirations” are seen as being transmitted from God. If he’s “inspired” to have sex with his pregnant wife, it’s within his rights since it comes from God.

  Pregnancy was a turn-on for Merril in a way I never understood and he never tried to explain. We never talked about sex, either before, during, or afterward. In seventeen years of marriage, I never saw him naked because we had sex in total darkness. It was rudimentary and over in minutes. Merril remained mute throughout. Afterward he’d lie on top of me for a long time. I felt crushed and sometimes almost suffocated. Eventually he’d roll over like a dead animal and sleep.

  What made it even more bizarre was that every time we had sex with each other we did it while clothed in our long underwear—except that night in Hawaii when we had sex completely naked. I was shocked when he took off my long underwear and began touching my skin. It felt different and far more enjoyable. But I didn’t let myself respond too emotionally because I knew it would probably never happen again.

  Every woman in a plural marriage knows that her only power in life will come from her relationship to her husband. I felt hostile to Merril. I hadn’t wanted to marry him and never wanted to sleep with him. But I knew that my survival and the caliber of life I could provide for my children depended on my forging a relationship with Merril. Pleasing him—or at least not aggravating him—was a skill I was determined to master no matter what it cost me at a personal level. Sublimating my needs to his felt natural to me at twenty-two. I knew this was how generations of women had lived in my family.

  In order to have power in Merril’s family, I had to make myself important to him. That gave me status over his other wives and protected me and my children from their attacks. It’s an insanely competitive environment. Only the strong survived. No one in our family ever tried to look out for a sister wife.

  Cathleen and Tammy felt threatened by my access to Merril. They felt that any attention he paid to me came at their expense. The angry bickering resumed at breakfast the next morning about who would sit next to Merril. There would be moments when I’d think how weird it was that the three of us were competing for a man none of us loved, desired, or had ever wanted to marry.

  After breakfast we flew to the island of Kauai. It was the most spectacular of all the islands we visited. It looked like a mock-up for the Garden of Eden. I had never seen so much vegetation. It was green beyond all imagining. Plants grew from crevices in jagged rocks. Flowers in bright Crayola colors seemed to be ablaze in bloom. Treetops were dense with tropical birds. The blue of the Pacific seemed to mirror the sky and added a pulse and vitality to the landscape it encircled.

  Our condo was only a few feet from the beach. I took off my shoes and tried to find someone to walk along the water with me. Tammy and Cathleen insisted on staying in the condo with Merril, who wanted to take a nap. Merril had indicated that he wanted to be with Cathleen that night.

  Rosie, my mother, agreed to take a walk with me. It was peaceful. The ocean was warm, my bare feet sank into the wet sand, and sparkling water washed over my toes. The breeze was gentle and the air felt pure. But swimming in the ocean was unthinkable. I didn’t own a bathing suit and never considered swimming in the ocean or even a pool during the week we spent in Hawaii. FLDS members are usually not allowed near water because it’s considered the devil’s domain. We’re taught that if you put yourself in a place where the devil has sole power, he can take your life. But this belief was often ignored. People swam in the FLDS, but only completely clothed. If your body is covered, swimming is considered daring, but not evil or wrong.

  The beach was so tranquil that I didn’t want to leave. I felt joy amidst such beauty and experienced a pervasive sense of calm. The absence of anger, tension, and rivalry centered me. Rosie and I had a comfortable but superficial relationship. I never told her what I was really feeling because she wouldn’t be able to hear what I needed to say. She was my father’s second wife and his favorite. He never got along with my biological mother. If I talked honestly to Rosie about my life, she’d tell me to stop whining and complaining. In her eyes, Merril was a man of God and I needed to honor him with my life.

  On the way back to the condo we picked up some coconuts that had fallen from the trees. When we got inside, we sliced them open and put the fresh coconut on plates. Merril thought it was delicious—so delicious, in fact, that he decided to send dozens to his friends as gifts.

  Instead of spending time relaxing or sight-seeing on Kauai, Merril had us pick coconuts and ship them via UPS to his friends. Tammy, Cathleen, and I spent the rest of the afternoon at UPS in our own mini-shipping department. Once we were in a work environment with Merril giving us orders, the tension among us subsided. Work was something we understood. This was the least contentious moment of the entire trip.

  After sending the coconuts, we had dinner at a steak restaurant that sat high up over the ocean on a big rock. The roaring surf echoed around us.

  The waves on Kauai seemed more massive than they had on the other islands. Every time a wave crashed on the rocks I could hear the spray splashing. I loved the steadying rhythm of the waves. It was powerful but not at all frightening. I felt small, safe, and protected, which was a rare feeling for me and a distraction from the tawdry soap opera that was being played out all around me.

  Tammy was infuriated that Merril was planning to sleep with Cathleen that night. She screeched again about the unfairness of it all, but Merril tuned her out. I refused to share a room with her and slept on the sofa in the condo. After three hellish days together, having a sofa all to myself felt like a prize.

  Cathleen was in a happy mood the next morning, which helped the overall atmosphere. My morning sickness abated and I felt better than I had since we’d arrived. We spent the day sight-seeing on Kauai, traveling to the highest point, where we had a magnificent view of the entire island. A lighthouse there seemed to be a magnet for thousands of birds that would sweep in and off the cliff on waves. When we weren’t high above the Pacific we ambled along beachside roads that were shaded by palm trees.

  Tammy knew it was her turn to sleep with Merril that night, so she was in a reasonab
le mood for most of the day and not on the attack. We capped off our day of sight-seeing with dinner at one of the island’s most famous restaurants. When I ordered shrimp, Merril threw a fit.

  Merril doesn’t eat shrimp, which meant I couldn’t either. It was wrong for me to like something he didn’t. As his wife, I was to become one with him in every way. In the FLDS, a woman is supposed to be in complete harmony with her husband. A devout wife would never even desire to eat something her husband disliked. The only fish Merril liked was halibut. It wasn’t on the menu. I ordered steak.

  Tammy spent the night with Merril, so there were no bedtime theatrics. The next morning, we headed to Honolulu after changing planes in Maui. When we claimed our luggage, one of Cathleen’s suitcases—the one with her long underwear—was missing.

  She began sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she was lucky not to have to wear it for the rest of the trip. The underwear always made me feel clumsy, but in the tropics it was worse because of the three pairs of socks we wore over them—a light support stocking, followed by a heavy dance sock capped off with a heavier support stocking to keep everything in place.

  Tammy and I both had extra underwear, but sharing was not permissible. Cathleen was out of luck and she was inconsolable. Merril offered her a thousand dollars to replace whatever was in her missing suitcase, but the money didn’t matter to her. She wanted her garments.

  The drama resumed at the hotel when Merril announced that he wanted to spend the night with me. Tammy went ballistic. She had spent two nights with Merril and made it quite well known to Cathleen and me that they hadn’t had sex either time. She launched into Merril again about his sinful behavior, calling him immoral for not getting her pregnant and for having sex with me while I was.

  Tammy called the room soon after we got there. Not only had Cathleen locked her out, she’d barricaded the door with the furniture in the room. Cathleen was screaming as loud as she could, “I’m totally done with you! I don’t want to see you ever again!”