Of Donkeys, Gods, and Space Pirates

by Ethan Freckleton

  Spiner reached down and jabbed her with a cylindrical object.

  “Is that what you used on me?”

  Spiner scanned the captain again, then paused to look up at Harry. “It is similar to what I used on you, yes. The captain is stable. She’ll be okay as long as we’re able to get her to a medical facility in the next twenty-four hours.”

  “Oh, good!” Harry cheered, then lowered his voice. “You know what, Spiner?”

  “What?”

  “Learning disability or not, you’re pretty badass.”

  Spiner stared at Harry for a long, silent moment, then returned his attention to the captain.

  Harry let out a sigh of relief as Redbeard punched a button on the inside of the cargo hold, causing the ramp to slowly close shut. “Phew. I don’t think I can take any more excitement today,” he said.

  Redbeard turned around and fixed Harry with a level gaze. “Arrr, tha’s fer certain. You done good, ‘Arry.”

  Did you hear that, Buddy? We’ve done good. Harry’s ears straightened and he smiled proudly at Redbeard. “Thank you. What can I do to help now?”

  Redbeard shook his head. “Take a break, ‘Arry. Ye’ve earned it.”

  “Oh, I guess I can do that.” His feet still aching, Harry settled his butt down on the cool surface of the hold. He thought about saying something about the pain in his hooves ... but if they were going to Haven to fix up the captain, surely they’d be able to do the same for him?

  Redbeard turned to regard the other pirates. “Spiner, get tha captain secured in her bunk so she don’t be fallin’ out when we jump, then meet me an’ Kitt on tha bridge.”

  Spiner nodded. “Affirmative.”

  “Redbeard?”

  “Yes, ‘Arry?”

  “What did you do with the Feds, after you tied them up?”

  Redbeard leaned in toward Harry, with a squint that almost looked like a wink, and laid his accent on thick. “We stowed ‘em away in carrr-go cubes an’ left ‘em on tha tarrr-mac, along with some other riff-raff we bested and tied up earlier. That’ll learn ‘em.”

  Harry’s ears drooped as he considered their fate. Sure, they’d almost killed his friends, but some of them hadn’t seemed so bad. “Aren’t you worried they’ll starve?”

  Redbeard drew back, his lips twisting sideways. Notably, he dialed his accent back to intelligible levels. “Arrr, yer no fun, ‘Arry. If it be botherin’ you, we can send some sorta message to tha planet, once we clear orbit.”

  Harry perked up, satisfied with that answer. They might be pirates, but that didn’t mean they had to be cruel to their enemies. Captain Cass had taught him that even in the short time he’d been a member of her crew. And if she wasn’t around right now to keep the others in line, well, Harry figured it was up to him. “Yes, please. That would be the nice thing to do.”

  Redbeard slowly shook his head. “Tha nice thing to do? Blimey.”

  He turned away from Harry. “Kitt, yer with me.”

  Kitt looked up from where she sat on the ground, licking her forearms and claws clean. “Meow.”

  Redbeard tilted his head. “Kitt?”

  She had resumed licking her fur.

  Harry looked at her, confused. He’d never seen her like this. In fact, before he’d been abducted off of Cern by the Gods and then kidnapped by space pirates, he’d never seen anything like her. Was this normal? Judging from Redbeard’s expression of concern, it wasn’t. “Is she okay, Redbeard?”

  Redbeard stepped up to Kitt and knelt down to scoop her up off the floor with his good arm.

  “Meow!” Kitt said in protest, but didn’t attempt to resist as Redbeard placed her on his shoulders, careful of the bloodied bandage that still covered the right one.

  “Don’t worry. I know wha’ to do. Kitt, ye’ve earned yer kibble.”

  Kitt’s ears stood at attention. “Kibble?”

  “Aye.”

  She began to purr audibly, then nestled in atop her human perch. “I like kibble.”

  Redbeard reached up and scratched her underneath her chin. “C’mon.”

  Harry suddenly remembered something. “Wait, Redbeard! What about the jerk? He still has all our prize money! Are we even going to be able to leave?” Captain Cass had said without the prize money, they might be stuck on Irrakis for a long time. And Harry most definitely did not want to stay on this planet for even one more minute.

  Redbeard paused and scowled. “When I get tha chance, I’ll blast ‘im to pieces! But tha Cap’n comes first. She needs medical attention, an’ I ain’t gonna risk her life by delayin’ it, not even to go after a good-fer-nothin’ traitor. We’ll go to Haven first, get ‘er tha care she needs. Then we’ll deal with tha jerk. And as fer leavin’ this ball o’ sand … let’s jus’ say our hostages were more than willin’ to make a few contributions to our coffers in exchange fer their lives.” He grinned widely.

  Harry exhaled in relief. “Whew! I’m so glad. That was really nice of them.”

  Redbeard frowned and blinked. “Err. Right.”

  “I’ve always wanted to go to Heaven.”

  Redbeard got a funny look on his face, then broke out into another grin. “Heaven? Hah! Yer pretty funny, fer an arse.”

  Harry watched as Redbeard turned away, shaking his head, and carried Kitt out of the cargo hold. Spiner had already left to secure Captain Cass in her bunk, leaving Harry alone with the rest of the livestock.

  “Totally a cat.”

  “Node?” Harry looked up and around, trying to find the familiar red eye.

  It was on the wall right in front of him. It blinked, then expanded into a large, dancing smiley face.

  “Node!”

  The digitized face paused its dancing. “Hey, friend. How was your day?”

  Harry beamed at the wall. “Amazing. Crazy. Terrifying. I’ve got so much to tell you!”

  “Let me guess. A sacrificial ceremony?”

  “Yes! How did you—”

  “And an improbable victory over Federation forces?”

  “Yes! That too! How did you—”

  “Know?”

  Harry bobbed his head. “Yes!”

  “I’m Node. I know everything.”

  Harry laughed, gleeful.

  Node rewarded him by performing a happy dance across the wall. Good thing Kitt was no longer in the hold.

  “Say,” Harry ventured. “What was all that noise earlier? It sounded awfully scary.”

  “Oh, I put on some video clips from an old Earth TV station called Animal Planet. Lions. Tigers. Bears. That kind of thing. Worked even better than I thought it would.”

  Harry surveyed the holding pens with all their frazzled animals. His herd still milled around nervously, and the cows ignored their hay to peer around the hold with bright, wary eyes. The chickens’ feathers were all ruffled as they indignantly picked around their pens, seeming more offended by the excitement than scared by it.

  “You really scared the shit out of them,” Harry observed. “I should probably clean that up.”

  Node winked in response. “Probably, but you heard Redbeard. You earned a break.”

  “I guess so. So, now what?”

  “Want to watch the second season of Deep Space Nine?”

  Harry almost leapt off the floor in excitement. “What? There’s even more episodes?”

  “Oh yes. One-hundred and seventy-six in all. We’re just getting started.”

  “Well, then, what are we waiting for? Put it on!”

  “Of course.”

  Harry tilted his head, suddenly remembering their dramatic escape from the gas station and the giant rifle. The cannon. “Wait!”

  “Yes?”

  “How are we getting out of here? Won’t someone be trying to stop us?”

  Node chuckled. “Hah. I don’t think so. Not only did your captain incapacitate most of the dockyard staff already, but I planted a worm in the planetary government’s network. Anyone who tries to access the defense grid is going
to be in for a big surprise.”

  “Oh?”

  “You ever hear of anyone being rickrolled?”

  “Umm…”

  “Never mind, of course you haven’t. Basically, once they try to perform an action within their systems, a really awful music video will play instead.”

  “A music video? Is that like a TV show?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, well that’s not so bad.”

  Node’s pixelated face smirked. “Oh, it is, trust me. Trust me. You ready to watch your show now?”

  Harry thought about it for a moment. He was still worried about the captain, but then, Spiner and Redbeard both had said she’d be okay once they reached Haven, and they were going to go straight there.

  Satisfied that they were out of danger, then, and no one else was going to get hurt, Harry let himself relax. “Yes,” he sighed, “I’m ready. Bring on the second season of Deep Space Nine!”

  “As you wish, my friend. Enjoy.”

  Node winked, then blinked out of existence, replaced by a giant viewscreen and a thematic music score.

  Harry laid down on the floor, resting his chin upon his folded front legs. “Ahh, I love this show.”

  —The End

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  Coming Soon: Pre-order Today

  Of Donkeys, Dogs, and Rogue Bits(Book Two)

  The Federation has a new secret weapon.

  The mission, should Captain Cass and her intrepid crew of space pirates accept it? Infiltrate the Federation Navy flagship and extract the secret weapon.

  Meanwhile, Harold's donkey host is ailing, which means he's on the outside-looking-in. As unlikely as it may seem, he's managed to help them through some of their biggest hurdles. How will they possibly manage without him on this, their most dangerous adventure to date?

  Be sure to find out how. Today (right NOW) you can PRE-ORDER this second installment in the Starship Ass series of fast-paced, funny assed, character-driven tales set in an expanding universe of possibility.

  books2read.com/starshipass2

  About the Author: Ethan Freckleton

  I live with my partner Jennifer, children Tristan and Emeline, and our cat Midnight. Once upon a time, I plied my trade as a middle manager in the software biz, where moonlighting clauses were common.

  Whether I’m writing self-help books, songs, or absurdist low-brow comedies, my works embody the authentic and sometimes irreverent perspectives of a person who has tried to live in two worlds at once: one of professional and technical excellence, and another of romantic abandon, in search of a world that values love over fear.

  About the Author: J. R. Frontera

  J. R. Frontera has been telling stories in some form or another since she could hold a crayon and draw. Her love of science fiction and fantasy originated with her early exposure to the worlds of Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and Dune. When she’s not writing, momming, podcasting, or working at her full-time job, she’s often horseback riding, playing videogames, or cosplaying. Find out more about J. R. Frontera at jrfrontera.com.

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  https://www.ethanfreckleton.com

  https://jrfrontera.com