by Harper Bliss
Ash just nodded.
“I’m positively famished after last night. I never knew sex was such hard work.” Gloria retrieved the slice of toast and let it cool off.
Ash let the memories wash over her. It had been utterly glorious to use the strap-on on Gloria, but what had been even more delightful was when Gloria herself had discovered the joys of using it on Ash.
Robe still half-open, Gloria walked to the table. Ash couldn’t keep her eyes off the strip of naked flesh coming her way. This was now officially much more than a one-night stand and there were no signs of her desire for Gloria letting up any time soon.
“What are you going to do when I’m at work?” Gloria sat.
Ash shrugged. “Go through all your stuff? Read your diary?”
“I don’t keep a diary, so you can put that idea out of your head.” Gloria buttered a slice of toast.
“I didn’t really give it that much thought when I made my plan to come over.”
“Are you going to see your parents?”
“It feels really weird not to, being in Murraywood. But it would also be very strange to just turn up at their house like that, out of the blue.” Ash sighed. “I would also feel very bad lying to them about the real reason I’m here.”
“On Monday, I narrowly avoided running into your mum at Sainsbury’s.” Gloria looked away. “I hid from her, Ash. Can you believe that?”
“They can’t know. I agree with you on that.” Ash drank more coffee, hoping the caffeine would jolt her brain into a magical solution, even though she’d gone over it many times already, and she knew there wasn’t a clear-cut way out of their conundrum.
“What are we going to do? Only see each other in London?” Gloria chewed on a piece of toast.
“Like once a month?” Ash knew she sounded too petulant. She hadn’t meant to. As long as she could block out reality, she felt so wonderful in Gloria’s company. As soon as she was faced with it—and the thing about reality was that it was very hard to avoid—a sense of impending doom settled over her.
“I have my life, Ash. I’m perfectly willing to change my schedule for you, but it doesn’t just depend on me. The Easter holidays are coming up. I have my job, which is shift work and involves weekends a lot of the time. Before we know it, it’ll be summer, and Sally and Janey will be home for three months. I’m sorry.”
“How can it be so impossible?” Ash mused. She didn’t want to give Gloria a hard time. “We are two adult women who are perfectly able to consent. What’s so wrong with what we are doing that we have to hide it?”
“In theory, you’re right.” Gloria put down her slice of toast. Apparently their not-so-cheerful banter was affecting her appetite. “In practice, it’s very different. It’s hard.”
“Is it too hard, though?”
“I don’t know where that line would be drawn.” Under the table, Gloria’s bare foot found Ash’s. “It just also very much feels like a discussion we shouldn’t be having yet. What happened last night, you turning up here with that strap-on, and delighting the fuck out of me, that’s what should be happening. And it is. Although the come-down the morning after is a bit harsh, I must admit.”
“It’s just, the other day, at my place…” Ash caught Gloria’s foot between her ankles. “You sounded quite optimistic about… us.”
“You’d just shagged my brains out for an entire weekend.” That grin was momentarily back on Gloria’s lips. “But then I had to come home and face the music, so to speak. Running into Mary and not being able to strike up a casual conversation with her brought all the doubts back to the surface.”
Ash exhaled deeply. “I’m an analyst. Part of my job is assessing the risk of making an investment. I should be able to break this down and find a way.”
Gloria chuckled. “We’re human beings. With oh so many feelings. You can’t analyse that.”
“Maybe, but I can make a list. Maybe I’ll do that while you’re at work.”
“What? Risk assess our potential relationship?” Gloria cocked her head.
“I know it sounds very cold and clinical, but it might help us to see some things written down in black and white.”
“I want to keep seeing you. Don’t forget to put that in your final report.” Gloria freed her foot from the cage of Ash’s ankles and ran her toes up Ash’s calf.
“I’ll do my very best to produce a favourable outcome for us, but, quite honestly, I have no idea how I’m going to go about it yet.”
“You have all afternoon and all evening. But please make sure you have some energy for when I get home.” Gloria hooked both her feet around the leg of Ash’s chair and pulled it closer to hers.
“Do you want me to make you dinner?”
“The only dinner I’ll be wanting, Ashley Cooper, is you.” Gloria leaned in and kissed Ash on the lips. When she did that, it was so easy, so seductive to forget about the impossibility of their situation. But it also made Ash want to try really hard to find a way out of it.
Ash figured Gloria’s back garden would be a safe place for her to sit. The living room was quite dark and Ash had grown used to an abundance of light flooding her flat. The absence of sunlight was making her even glummer than she was already feeling after the conversation they’d had earlier. Being trapped on her own in a house that wasn’t hers wasn’t helping. It reminded her of staying at Lewis and Jonathan’s after the separation, but at least, in their house, she didn’t feel as though she had to hide from the outside world.
In front of her lay a sheet of paper and a pen. Ash hadn’t written anything down yet. That, too, reminded her of the divorce—whereas this whole thing with Gloria was supposed to do the opposite. Of course, when the time had come to make a decision about putting in the effort to stay together or breaking up with Charlotte, Ash had made a list of pros and cons. It had turned into a sad exercise with only one possible result. She didn’t want to repeat that today.
She sagged into her chair and looked out over Gloria’s garden, which backed onto a stretch of empty meadows, followed by a gorgeous view of typical English rolling-hill countryside. This view, she could get used to. Only, she couldn’t. While the view was lovely, sitting in Gloria’s garden made her uneasy. Theirs was a clandestine affair. There were no two ways about it. Ash didn’t want her parents to know. Gloria didn’t want her daughters and most of the town to know. Although Gloria had, apparently, very readily admitted the news of her affair with Ash to her best friends. That was something. A start.
She wrote it down on the paper, so she could make a start as well. It was hard to focus, however, because the smallest sound startled her. Ash hadn’t wrapped her head around Gloria’s work schedule yet, so it wasn’t a far stretch of the imagination that a lot of her friends might not have done so either, resulting in someone turning up at Gloria’s unannounced. Murraywood was the kind of town where people came in through the back door—at least they did at her parents’ house. Everything was informal. What if someone stopped by and found Ash sitting in Gloria’s garden? What would she say? There was no plausible explanation. Then Ash imagined telling the imaginary person the real reason she was there. Was it really that appalling? She didn’t think so. It might be hard for people to accept at first, but they’d get used to it.
Ash put the pen down again. Gloria had been right. This wasn’t the sort of thing you analysed on a piece of paper. None of what they had done together, the conversations they’d had and the love they’d made, had been theoretical. There was really only one way to find out how people would react.
By telling someone.
Her parents were a step too far at this point. But her brother wasn’t. Adrian lived nearby. He worked from home a lot. He might even be home and if he wasn’t, he would be soon. Aside from that, Ash was keen to see her nephews. Their carefree smirks and cheers were exactly what she needed.
As she headed out the door, her resolve started to crumble. Should she really tell Adrian without consulting Gloria beforehan
d? She would be pretty much outing Gloria without her consent. But then again, Gloria had already told Sindhu and Fiona about what had happened. Surely, she would understand Ash’s need to talk things over with her brother. And with that, her mind was made up.
She didn’t text or call beforehand. She just walked over to Adrian and Lizzie’s house and knocked on the door.
“Are my eyes deceiving me?” Adrian pulled a silly face. “Is that my fair sister all the way from London town?” The silly smile disappeared from his face swiftly. “Is everything okay? Is it Mum or Dad?”
“Everything and everyone’s fine, Ade,” Ash assured her brother. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Nothing to worry about? It’s before five on a Wednesday and your standing in my kitchen. Of course I’m going to be worried. Did something happen to you?”
“Where is everyone?” The house was very quiet.
“The kids always go to Lizzie’s parents after school on Wednesdays. She’s picking them up.”
“Oh.” Ash moved further into the kitchen. She was glad Adrian was home alone so they could talk in peace, but now that she actually had to say something, it was proving difficult.
“Is it something with Charlotte?” Adrian walked to the fridge and took out two bottles of beer. He handed one to Ash. “Or work? Why aren’t you at work, sis?”
“Day off.” Ash gladly accepted the beer. “Charlotte’s seeing someone else, apparently.” While it had initially bothered her when Lewis had told her, Ash had given Charlotte and her possible new love interest very little thought.
“I’m sorry, Ash.” Adrian shrugged. “I guess it was bound to happen. I’m sure you’ll find someone as well.” He sat at the kitchen table and Ash followed his example. “Whenever you’re ready,” he said.
This was her chance. Adrian had left the door wide open. “It’s not about Charlotte.” Ash chugged back a good amount of beer. “I may have met someone. I mean, I have, but it’s early days.”
“Say what?” Adrian’s eyes widened. “Tell me.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure you want to know.” Ash tried to relax. She leaned back and drank some more.
“Why not? Did you fall for a man?” He wiggled his brows. “Will you bring shame on to the family name with your sordid heterosexual ways, Ashley?” He chuckled loudly.
“It’s Gloria,” Ash blurted out. “We’ve been seeing each other since Mum’s party.”
“Who?” Adrian genuinely looked as though, for a split second, he had no idea who Gloria was. “Gloria Young? Who lives around the corner? Sally and Janey’s mum?” He fell silent, his face a mask of confusion. Then he shook his head. “Nah. You’re pulling my leg with this shit. I won’t be fooled that easily, sis.”
“Bro, I’m telling you, I’m not having a laugh here. Why would I?”
Adrian raked his fingers through his thinning hair. He took a quick, nervous swig from his beer. “That’s why you’re in Murraywood on a Wednesday afternoon? Because you’re having a secret affair with one of Mum’s friends?” It sounded more like an accusation than a question. “Jesus.”
Ash thought it better not to say anything. To give Adrian a little bit of time to absorb the news.
“Isn’t she straight? She’s been a widow for a long time, but…” He shook his head again. “How did this even happen?”
“Someone sat us next to each other at Mum’s birthday party.”
“Lizzie and I were at that table too.”
“We just hit it off. She came to London. I took her out. One thing led to another…” It felt odd to sum it up in a few short sentences like that. It didn’t do Ash’s true feelings for Gloria justice at all.
“What you’re actually saying is that you seduced her?” Adrian’s voice had changed from hesitant to more forceful, like he was blaming Ash for it all.
“What? No. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“You’re the lesbian, Ash. She’s the straight woman. It’s pretty obvious.”
Ash rolled her eyes. Some things simply couldn’t be explained. Adrian didn’t look very receptive to any explanation she might give, anyway. Maybe this had been a mistake. As far as test cases went, it was a huge failure. And this was her little brother. A young guy who had been raised with an open mind, who had been taught not to judge on the first impression. Yeah right.
“Don’t tell me Gloria came on to you out of the blue.” He slammed his beer bottle down.
“Ade, please. Calm down. What you’re focusing on right now is so beside the point.”
He puffed up his cheeks and blew out the air audibly. “Is it serious?” He held up his hand. “Sorry. I was just… I wasn’t expecting this at all. My reaction was not okay. I apologise.”
Ash waved him off. “It’s all right. It tells me everything I need to know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Coming to Murraywood and not seeing any of you was doing my head in. Hiding in Gloria’s house while she’s at work.” Ash shook her head. “It just… takes away a great deal of the joy of meeting someone and being with them those first few weeks. It’s like I constantly need to look over my shoulder. Or check my behaviour in case I fall too deeply for her and there’s no way back apart from hurting again.” Ash didn’t know if she was making any sense to her brother.
“So it is serious?” Was that what Adrian concluded from what Ash had just said? Maybe her brother could read her better than she could herself.
“Not really. How can it be? But, shit, Ade… I really, really like her. Like, a fucking lot.” At least Ash could swear all she wanted around her brother. At least that made her feel a little better.
“Does she like you back?” Adrian reached for his beer again.
“I’m pretty positive that she does.” Saying this made a grin appear on Ash’s face. “When we’re together, in private, it somehow makes sense. It just fits, even though we might seem like an odd combination. I can talk to her and she opens up to me and it’s just… fucking heavenly to be with her.”
“Shit, sis. You’ve got it bad.” Adrian knocked back the last of his beer. Ash did the same. Because Adrian was right. She did have it bad. “What are you going to do?” he asked.
“It’s not only up to me. I don’t even live here, but… can you imagine me telling Mum and Dad?”
“I’m not keen to be there when you have that conversation,” he said on a sigh.
“It’s not that they would be angry. All I can imagine at this point is even more disappointment. Dad has barely put the divorce behind him. I couldn’t bear the look in his eyes. He’s so fond of Gloria. It’s just… I simply can’t see it happening.”
“Do you think there’s a chance it might last?”
“Very little, at this point. Not because of how we feel, but because it’s just too complicated. It’s not just Mum and Dad. She has two daughters. Gloria’s entire life is in Murraywood. I can’t make her feel ostracised in her own town. I won’t do that to her.”
“What are you saying? Are you going to break it off?”
Maybe it took her brother to ask the question in such a straightforward way to finally make her crumble. “I really don’t want to, Ade.” Tears burned behind Ash’s eyes. “But what’s the alternative?”
Chapter Thirty-Four
“No, no, no, not Ade,” Gloria said. Her head was spinning. “Lizzie is my co-worker. She’s his wife, Ash. Of course he’s going to tell her and then how are we going to keep this quiet?” This was not the homecoming she had imagined. Frankly, what she had imagined was Ash naked in her bed, save for the present she’d brought the day before. Instead, Ash had broken the horrible news that she’d gone to see her brother and told him about them—without consulting Gloria first.
“He’s not going to tell her. I trust him.” Ash paced up and down the kitchen. “Besides, you told your friends. What’s the difference?”
“I trust Sindhu and Fiona not to tell anyone. I’ve known them since I was little.”
“I trust my brother. I’ve known him since he was born.”
“Look, Ash, it’s just that we didn’t discuss any of this beforehand. Telling Adrian brings it all a whole lot closer to your parents knowing. The thought of which is majorly doing my head in.”
“Mine too,” Ash said.
“Maybe this is telling us something very crucial.” Gloria’s stomach tensed.
“I know what you’re going to say, Gloria.” Ash finally stopped pacing. She took a few steps in Gloria’s direction. “But let’s just, at the very least, have one more night together. I’m not taking the train back to London tonight. It’s too late. I’ll go first thing in the morning. But give me tonight.”
“Of course, we have tonight.” Gloria put her arms around Ash. She swallowed a knot out of her throat. “But after that…”
“It has to end.” Ash’s voice broke a little.
Gloria didn’t know what to say after that. So she kissed Ash and Ash kissed her back, but so much desperation was wrapped in their kisses, so much of the loss she was about to experience was already manifesting itself inside her.
“There’s so much I don’t know about you yet,” Gloria said, when they broke from their kiss, which had been more sad than arousing, if she was being honest with herself. “There’s so much I want to know.”
A lone tear dripped down Ash’s cheek. Gloria wanted to catch it with her finger but she had no right to do that. Not anymore. Not when she was the cause of it.
“I’m sorry I told Adrian,” Ash said, wiping away the tear herself, then pretending it was never even there. “I just wanted to test what it would be like to tell someone in my family. Ade was the only choice.”
