by Harper Bliss
“What was it like?” Gloria had been so shaken by Ash actually telling Ade that she hadn’t yet inquired about his reaction.
“He was a bit shocked at first, but after that, he was fine.” Ash pulled up one shoulder. “Like he might accept it rather easily.”
“Really?” Gloria could only take Ash’s word for it, but why wouldn’t Adrian accept it? He was Ash’s brother and Gloria knew they had a great relationship. He might, in fact, be one of the only people in Murraywood to accept it.
“Well, yeah… he wants me to be happy. Just like I want that for him.” Ash sighed. “But when we speculated about how it would be to tell Mum and Dad…” She fell silent.
Gloria pulled Ash near again. “Let’s make a deal for tonight,” she said. “Let’s pretend, just until you have to leave tomorrow, that everything will be fine.”
Ash huffed out some air. “I’ve been thinking about what you said when you left my place on Sunday evening. About how if it was meant to be, it would work out.”
Gloria nodded. She had said that. But she’d said it after a weekend of the most earth-shattering sex of her life. She would say something like that under those circumstances—but the circumstances were very different now. “I know.”
“Do you still believe that?” Ash asked.
“I want to, but… I can’t change how things are. Maybe half the thrill of what we have is the secrecy of it.” Gloria didn’t really believe that herself.
Ash freed herself from Gloria’s embrace and sat on a kitchen chair. It probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear.
“I’m not sure I can pretend.” When Ash looked up at her with all the sadness on full display in her glance, Gloria wasn’t entirely sure she should even stay the night. “I—I keep telling myself that I don’t know what this is, but, really, I’m just being in denial about it. I know very well what this is, Gloria. I’m falling so crazily, so madly, so recklessly in love with you, and it scares me to death, because… well, last time I fell in love with someone, I married and subsequently divorced her.”
Gloria scoffed and the instant she did, she regretted it. Ash being so open and vulnerable with her didn’t deserve that kind of reaction. But Gloria was just as scared as Ash. It was merely her own fear trying to find a way out, masked as insensitivity.
Gloria pulled a chair close to where Ash was sitting. She took her hand in hers.
“I know—” Ash started saying.
“Sweetheart—” Gloria said, at the same time.
They looked at each other. “You first,” Gloria said.
“I know how foolish that sounds, but it’s how I feel, and that’s the God’s honest truth.” Ash’s eyes glittered with the onset of tears.
“You met me at a very vulnerable time in your life. I’m no psychologist, but even I can tell that you’re still getting over your divorce. Maybe… you’re just clinging to this so much because it’s something that makes you feel better about yourself after having felt so lousy for a long time.”
Ash pushed her chair back. “I don’t expect you to feel the same way. That’s not why I said it.” She was the one who scoffed now. “How could you possibly feel the same as I do, anyway?”
Maybe, Gloria thought, this was the only way for them to do this. To brutally rupture the beautiful but delicate connection that had formed between them the past few weeks. Rip off the proverbial Band-Aid and be done with it. Maybe any other, any gentler way would be too painful for too long. Now Ash was saying that she was falling in love with Gloria? Surely, that couldn’t really be true. It was too soon. Too irrational. Too devoid of any of the logic Gloria had based her entire life on after George’s death.
“I think you know that I have very strong feelings for you, Ash, but…”
“It’s fine.” Ash shot out of her chair. “I think I’ll go now. I’ll crash at Ade’s.” She fixed her narrowed gaze on Gloria. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Lizzie doesn’t know anything.”
“Ash, come on. Don’t just run off like that.” Gloria was all contradiction now. She didn’t want Ash to leave, she knew that much, but she also knew that Ash staying would only delay the inevitable. “We’re both adults here.”
“That we are, but there is one big difference between us, Gloria, and I’m glad it’s coming up now instead of later. I’m gay. I’m a big old lesbian. I fall in love with women. I’ve done so my entire life. So of course I was going to fall for you because…” She took a quick breath. “Because you’re a bloody amazing woman. How can I not fall for you? That’s the question that should be asked here. Granted, I’m still a little sore from my divorce. Although Charlotte surely hasn’t been biding her time to start over with someone else—” She stopped her rant abruptly.
What had Ash just said? Was Charlotte involved with someone new? “Oh, Ash.” Gloria couldn’t help herself. Open-armed, she headed towards Ash. “I’m sorry. That must have been so hard for you to find out.”
“Bloody Charlotte,” Ash muttered under her breath, while she accepted Gloria’s hug.
Gloria held Ash close. Her own mind was in such turmoil, it seemed impossible to be certain whether what she felt was compassion or tenderness or, even, like Ash, that roller-coaster sensation of falling in love.
“Stay,” Gloria whispered, because she couldn’t send Ash away now.
If Ash was crying, her sobs were almost imperceptible. But when Gloria put a little bit of distance between them, the top of her uniform was moist near her shoulder where Ash had buried her face.
“Oh, fuck.” Ash fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and blew her nose. “I’m so sorry, Gloria. I take it back, okay? Can I?” She painted on a smirk, as if she wanted to make light of what she had just admitted, as though wanting to convince Gloria that she’d just been ranting, foolishly spouting nonsense.
Gloria could so easily detect the insincerity in Ash’s expression. She couldn’t lie about something like that. “You don’t have to take it back.” Gloria finally allowed herself to feel flattered by what Ash had said. It wasn’t every day that a gorgeous and accomplished woman like Ash told her that she was falling in love with her. Obviously, this was all new to Gloria and she didn’t know what she was feeling. Maybe the novelty was too confusing, or maybe she was afraid to admit her emotions to herself. Or maybe, as Ash had just said, she simply wasn’t capable of having such feelings for Ash because she wasn’t inclined that way.
“At least don’t think you need to have the same feelings as I do.” Ash shook her head. “That’s not why I said it.”
“It’s been such a whirlwind, Ash. You, um, you don’t do things by half and the way you’ve lavished all this attention on me, the way you’ve made me feel so alive, so wanted, so completely in my body… it’s nothing short of a miracle, really. But I have to be certain that I’m not confusing certain emotions here. You’re right, I’m way behind you in this. How can I not be? I’m still getting over sleeping with a woman for the first time. It’s not a small matter to me.”
“How about we just take some time?” Ash’s tone of voice had returned to normal. Her eyes seemed totally dry of tears. “A breather. This thing with you, Gloria, it’s just so intense.” She held up her hands. “It’s how I get when I really like someone.”
“What are you suggesting? That we don’t see each other for a while?”
“We weren’t going to, anyway. Your daughters are coming home for a while and I need to do some emotional stocktaking. Let’s press pause for a few weeks. See where we stand after?”
“Will we be in touch?” A different kind of fear gripped Gloria, made her insides twist.
Ash blew out some air again. “I don’t know.” A short silence fell. “Maybe it would be best if we weren’t.”
Gloria was the one who felt like spilling a few tears now. How could she still be confused about her feelings for Ash? Hadn’t she completely rocked her world the past few weeks? Made her question everything? “But this is not the end?”
&nb
sp; “No.” Ash sounded adamant enough, but still, there was a quality about her voice as though she was retreating, protecting herself. “Let’s meet up after your girls have gone back to uni. Then, we’ll see.”
“That’s in three weeks,” Gloria said.
“Yeah, well, we need the time.” Ash still looked the same, but she didn’t sound like the woman who had arrived at Gloria’s house with a strap-on in her bag the previous night.
“But you’ll stay tonight?” Gloria was almost too afraid to ask.
Ash’s eyes had suddenly gone moist again. “I’m not sure I can.” She gave a slight shake of the head. “I think it might hurt me too much if I did.”
Just like that, Gloria had the wind knocked out of her as well. Although she understood that it was easier to say goodbye right now instead of early in the morning, after, perhaps, a sleepless night.
“You’re going to Adrian’s?”
Ash nodded.
“I can give you a lift.”
“He lives literally just around the corner.”
“He won’t be expecting you. They might have gone to bed already.”
“Gloria.” Ash’s voice was very insistent now. “It’s fine.” And with that, everything was said.
Chapter Thirty-Five
It was a definite sign of how she’d been feeling that Ash hadn’t invited any of her family over to her new place in London yet. At first, she had to get used to it—to inhabiting a space, no matter how small, on her own again. To not have obvious signs of someone else’s life on display everywhere. It had also taken her months to unpack, to decorate, and now, to put the final touches to the shelves, the walls, and the windows. To make it feel like a home she could be happy in, even if it had to be on her own. It didn’t help that everywhere she looked she saw a spot where she and Gloria had kissed or, even worse, had had their hands and mouths all over each other.
It was the weekend after she had said goodbye to Gloria—after they’d pressed the pause button. Ash had just put clean sheets on the guest bed because her mother would be staying over after she’d taken her out for a night on the town. It would be the first time her mum would see this place.
Ash hadn’t even had a proper house-warming party yet. She made a mental note to schedule one, if only to chase away the ghost of Gloria. Because even though Ash loved telling herself that it was just a ‘break’, that they would reconvene in a few weeks and only then make their final decision, the fact that they had needed to take a break at all told her everything she needed to know.
On top of that, Ash had made a real spectacle of herself, what with telling Gloria that she was falling in love with her. What had she been thinking? It was true, but some truths, she knew, were better kept for oneself. Saying you had such strong feelings for another woman so shortly after meeting her was simply not done, no matter how strongly said feelings made their presence known every single minute of every single day. Ash knew very well it wasn’t one of her finest, nor her suavest, moments. So she had begun, slowly but steadily, to prepare herself for the break to turn into a break-up.
Last night, when she couldn’t sleep, Ash had even scrolled through Tinder. Just to have a look. Just to be reminded that Gloria wasn’t the only woman out there. On the contrary. There were many other women who would be much more suited for a dalliance. The problem was that Ash wasn’t even remotely interested in any of these other, more suited women.
Ash cast one last glance at the guest room and deemed it ready for her mother’s scrutiny, although she also knew she didn’t need to worry about that. Her mother wasn’t the kind—unlike Charlotte’s mother—to walk into her daughter’s home and dispense a slew of criticisms. At least Ash didn’t have to deal with Charlotte’s parents anymore.
She checked her reflection in the mirror. Her mum would surely comment on how tired she looked. Ash could hear the concern in her voice already.
I haven’t been sleeping because I’m in love with Gloria, Mum.
She couldn’t even say it out loud. The thought was stuck in her head, where it should remain. She put on her coat and went to meet her mother at the train station.
“Can I ask you something, darling?” Ash’s mother said, as though she needed to ask permission.
“Of course.” They were on their second cocktail and Ash was happy to be out with her mum. Happy to spoil her with overpriced drinks and take her to the kind of glitzy places that didn’t exist in Murraywood.
“It’s just that… you seemed to have really picked yourself up the last few times we spoke. Like you’d finally moved past the worst of the divorce, but now, looking at you, I’m not so sure anymore. Are you okay, Ashley?”
“Charlotte has someone new,” Ash blurted out, just like she’d done to Gloria. As though it was an excuse for her own behaviour and it could explain the dark bags underneath her eyes. “Lewis saw them together.”
“Is it serious?” Her mum sipped from her fancy drink.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”
“But it has shaken you? I can tell.”
“No, actually, it hasn’t really affected me that much at all. It was a shock when Lewis first told me, but now I don’t really care that much.”
“Is it that you’ve stopped caring for someone you used to love so much?”
Ash glanced at her mother. She was the sweetest woman she’d ever met, and she knew that wasn’t a given just because she was her mum. Could she ever tell her the truth? It didn’t really matter now, anyway. “I don’t know. I was doing better. I do feel like I’ve put myself back together again, but… I have my ups and downs.”
“You need to give these things time. You and Charlotte were together for such a long time. It’s only normal.” Her mum shot her a wink. “You’ll find someone again. If that’s what you want, of course.”
Ash shrugged. She was afraid that if she spoke, she might say too much.
“Is that what you want?” The cocktails must have gone to her mum’s head, because she was pushing more than she usually would.
“I think so. Yes,” Ash said. I’ve already found someone.
“Earlier, on the train, I read an article about how more and more people are single. Divorced. Widowed. Or not even that. There are many people these days who just prefer it that way.”
“I don’t know if I prefer it. I guess I’ll have to see.”
“Look at Gloria,” her mum said.
Had someone just given Ash an electric shock? Because that was what it felt like when her mother said Gloria’s name.
“She’s been single for such a long time,” her mum continued.
Ash couldn’t help but be suspicious. Was her mum fishing? Had she heard something? God forbid, had Adrian said something? It wasn’t entirely unthinkable.
“She had children to raise, of course. But still.” It sounded more as though her mum was just thinking out loud.
Her mum gave her a look. If she did know something about her and Gloria, would this be the strategy she’d deploy to get Ash to spill the beans? Ash really didn’t think so.
“My situation’s very different,” Ash said.
“And you don’t live in Murraywood.” Her mum chuckled. “If Gloria can’t find a man in Murraywood, what would be the chances of you ever finding a woman?”
Ash narrowed her eyes. Either her mother’s cocktail was really strong, or she really was testing Ash. She had to ask Adrian. Ash excused herself to go to the ladies’ so she could text her brother.
Adrian’s reply came quickly.
Who do you take me for? I haven’t told a soul. Not even my own wife!
At the very least, it was good to have confirmation that Ash could trust her brother with a secret.
“I just got a text from Ade,” her mum said when Ash joined her at their table again. “He’s asking, on a scale of one to Adrian, how much fun I’m having with you.” She smiled broadly.
Adrian was having a busy Saturday night of text
ing. “Tell Ade to leave you be and have your fun with me tonight.”
“I will, sweetheart.”
While her mum texted back, Ash noticed that she’d finished her cocktail. It was time to have some food before Ash started feeling as though she could confide as much in her mother as she could in her brother.
“You’ve really spoiled me, Ashley. Thank you so much.” Mary had just polished off the last crumb of her dessert.
“This was your birthday present, Mum. And it was my absolute pleasure.”
“We should do this more often. Now that you live alone, I should come to London more and spend time with you. It’s not long at all on the train.” She was almost slurring her words now. It was past eleven. Ash’s mum was an early riser who liked to go to bed before ten.
“You’re always welcome at mine.” Being with her mum was simply comfortable. She was easy company. And it took Ash’s mind off Gloria—as long as her mum didn’t inadvertently bring her up.
“I liked it when you came over for the weekend two weeks ago. It was just lovely to have you home. To take care of you. Because that’s really all I’ve been wanting to do since you and Charlotte split up. Take care of you. Feed you. Do your laundry.” She sat up a bit straighter. “Make sure you’re okay.”
“I’ll come home more often, because I happen to love being taken care of by you.” Ash chuckled.
“Next weekend? Your dad would be chuffed. He’s going to want some time in the pub with you after this.”
“I—I need to check my calendar.” Ash wasn’t sure she was up for a weekend in Murraywood. She didn’t want to run into Gloria—or one of her daughters, although she wouldn’t even recognise them.
“As much as we loved having both you and Charlotte staying over, it’s not the same as having just you at the house.”
“How’s Dad taking all of this?” Ash asked. “I know he was very fond of Charlotte. Thought of her as a second daughter.”
