If You Kiss Me Like That

by Harper Bliss

  “Darling, you are our only daughter. Sure, we always got along with Charlotte. And both your father and I thought it horrible how her parents treated her when it came to her relationship with you. But you’re our priority. You always will be.” She heaved a small sigh. “All your father and I want is for you to be happy again. That’s it.”

  Ash divided the last of the wine over their two glasses. She wasn’t going to give her mother any details, but now that she was in such a sentimental mood, she might as well quiz her a bit.

  “Hypothetically,” she started. “Say I meet someone that you and Dad wouldn’t necessarily approve of.”

  “Like who?” Her mother shrugged. “What would be wrong with this person that we couldn’t approve of her?”

  “I don’t know… she could be too old or too young or…” A family friend. “Let’s say, for instance, your former colleague Joanne took a shine to me.”

  “Joanne?” Her mother furrowed her brow. “Is she gay? I never knew.”

  “No. This is just a hypothetical scenario, Mum. I’m not saying Joanne is gay, but what if she were and she and I ran into each other and one thing led to another. Do you think you and Dad would still prioritise my happiness?”

  “I’m not entirely sure I understand the question, darling.” Her mother widened her eyes, then rested her gaze on Ash.

  “I guess the question is whether my personal happiness is more important to you than what people might think about who I’m with.”

  “In this case Joanne?” Her mother shook her head. “It’s just that I’m having a really hard time picturing you and her together.”

  “It could be anyone. Joanne’s the first person that came to mind, because she never married.” This conversation was turning increasingly absurd.

  “You mean someone like Sandra. Someone I’ve known forever.” Her mother leaned over the table in a conspiratorial manner. “I have thought that Sandra might be a lesbian, you know.”

  “Say that she is.” Ash held up her hands. “Although I’m by no means claiming that she actually is. She’s just one of those people that you read about in that article, someone who prefers to remain single.” Ash had never gotten any vibe off Sandra and she didn’t want to be the source of a silly rumour—she knew how those things could go in a town like Murraywood. “Say that Sandra and I, against all odds, fall in love. How would you feel about that?”

  “Jesus, darling.” If her mother was wearing pearls, she’d be clutching them now. “That’s truly impossible to tell.” She cocked her head. “You aren’t trying to tell me something, are you? I saw Sandra just the other day. She didn’t say—”

  “No, Mum. As I said, purely hypothetical. I haven’t seen Sandra since your birthday party. It’s not a real thing.” Oh, Christ, what had Ash got herself into now? What a convoluted mess. All because she was trying to get the answer to an impossible question. “Let’s just leave it.” Ash tried to cover her annoyance with herself with a sweet smile—the kind only her own mother could ever accept—and asked for the bill.

  “I’ll sleep on it, darling. I’m feeling a bit fuzzy in the head right now,” her mum said.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Gloria couldn’t get the smell of the roast she’d burnt out of her nose, even though they’d left the house, in search of a more edible meal in the local pub.

  She hurried Sally and Janey along because it was close to the time that The Horse and Groom would stop taking lunch orders, although Gloria wasn’t too worried. A few years ago, the landlady had an operation go wrong and Gloria had tended to a wound in a delicate place on Peggy’s body for weeks. Since then, she had received more free drinks at the pub than she had paid for. Still, she didn’t want to inconvenience them just because she’d taken her eye off the oven. Or she’d put it on too high. Or whatever else had gone wrong. Gloria had made hundreds of roasts in that very oven and never had it come out so pitch-black and sad-looking.

  Sally had made a sarcastic remark about hoping that ‘fresh patch Tuesday’ would soon come around, while Janey had just shrugged the way girls her age still did.

  When they reached the pub, Gloria rolled her eyes. On the blackboard outside it was announced that a football game would soon start on the big screen. Gloria couldn’t care less who was playing, she just hoped they could have a meal in peace.

  They found a relatively quiet table by the window, as far away as possible from the television screen. Of course they could still order the Sunday roast and the first round of drinks would be on the house at Peggy’s insistence.

  Since they’d both arrived home the day before, Janey in the morning and Sally in the afternoon, Gloria’s daughters had more to say to each other than to her. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks and now that Janey was also at university, Sally could suddenly treat her as an almost-equal again.

  They had also both informed her, as though they had agreed upon it beforehand—which they probably had—that later today they had to attend a party at Craig’s house. Who was Gloria to argue with that? This wasn’t the first time her girls had come home from university. She knew the drill. She didn’t care, either way. She was just glad to have this time with them. She was even content to hear them chat and giggle with each other, even if it meant they were ignoring her.

  Right now, they sat there so poised and put together. It was hard to imagine the frail wisps of girls they’d been after their father had been ripped from their young lives so cruelly. Gloria had had her own grief to deal with, of course, because she had always, and always would, consider George the love of her life, but to witness her daughters going through that kind of loss had been the most harrowing of all. To be the mother of two young girls who had always had a father until they didn’t—who had seen their father fall ill, become weak from the chemotherapy, get better, with all the hope that came with his remission, only to lose him for good after—was devastating. If it was already so hard for Gloria to bear, she couldn’t imagine what it was like for Sally and Janey.

  But now here they were—on the other side of that grief. Time had done its job. They went months and months without mentioning their father. When Gloria had told them about a man she was seeing a few years back, they had encouraged her to go on the next date and the next. They weren’t the kind of children who wanted to hog their mother, keep her solely to themselves because they’d already lost one parent. Gloria’s daughters wanted her to be happy, she knew that much. They wanted for her what she wanted for them.

  Speaking of—it was about time for the traditional come-home-from-uni grilling about her daughters’ love life. Gloria could be in denial about that all she wanted, but she knew at some point her daughters would fall in love. They’d had plenty of all-consuming crushes already, but none of them had ever really turned into much more than that, as far as Gloria knew.

  “Hello there, girls.” Out of nowhere, Alan appeared next to their table. “I thought that was you, Gloria.” He shot her a warm smile that Gloria found hard to reciprocate. Luckily, Alan focused most of his attention on Sally and Janey, whom he hadn’t seen in ages.

  She tried to follow their conversation, but, at the sight of Ash’s father, her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of Ash. The girls coming home had given her exhausted brain some respite from going over their last conversation again and again. At last, Gloria had something else to focus on. For that reason, she wished Alan, who was surely here to watch the football, would go back to his own table soon.

  Alan looked behind him at the bar. “Ash is home this weekend. She’s getting the drinks in.” He waved at his daughter.

  Someone might as well have sat on Gloria’s chest. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart started racing. This was the exact reason she and Ash couldn’t be together. Gloria took a deep breath to try to hide her distress.

  “Hey.” Ash sauntered up to their table with two pint glasses in her hands. She briefly caught Gloria’s gaze, then offered the girls a wide smile.


  Gloria hoped Alan wasn’t expecting an invitation to join them.

  “Kick-off’s in two minutes, Dad,” Ash said, mercifully.

  “Oh, yes, of course. Right.” Alan nodded at Gloria. “Enjoy their visit, Gloria. Trust me, they grow up so bloody fast.”

  Gloria tried very hard not to look at Ash, but her gaze was drawn to her like iron to a magnet. Her hair was casually combed back and not styled in its usual upward, high-maintenance fashion. She looked as though she might have also skipped the few meals she did occasionally allow herself.

  “See you around, girls,” Alan said. “And remember, always be nice to your Mum.”

  “See you,” Ash said, and turned away from their table without saying anything else.

  “Ash is a hedge fund manager, isn’t she?” Sally said.

  “Hm. What, darling?” It took all Gloria had to give her attention to her own daughter. Not only was she worried about Ash, and how forlorn she looked, but she could also feel a pang of unmistakable heat burrowing its way up from deep inside her. What was Ash doing in Murraywood, anyway?

  “Mum?” Sally said.

  “Yes, sorry.” Gloria looked into her daughter’s eyes.

  “Two hedge fund managers came to talk to our economics seminar a few weeks ago. They looked nothing like her.”

  “That’s ‘cause she’s a lesbian,” Janey said.

  “What does that have to with it?” Sally said.

  “Excuse me a second.” Gloria stood. “I need to use the loo.”

  She heard Sally and Janey bicker about Ash as she made her way to the ladies’. As much as she wanted to hear what her daughters had to say about Ash and how lesbian she looked—whatever that meant—Gloria needed a moment to herself to regroup. Seeing Ash had caught her by surprise. She hadn’t been prepared for the emotional reaction to seeing her, nor for the physical aspect of it.

  Gloria washed her hands and splashed some cold water on her face. She studied her mirror image. “Pull yourself together. Your daughters are home,” she said to herself.

  Then the door of the washroom opened. Ash walked in.

  “I’m sorry, Gloria,” she said. “I didn’t know you’d be here. I’m just here to watch the football with my dad.”

  “I burned lunch,” Gloria said. “I—“ She didn’t know what to say. Too many thoughts were racing through her mind, all of which, she knew for certain, would be stopped in their tracks immediately if she could just throw her arms around Ash. If she could just kiss her. “What are you doing home?” Gloria asked, as though she had an automatic right to know the answer to such a question.

  “Mum asked me. I’m spending more time with her. With everyone in my family, actually, hence the football with Dad.” Ash painted on a sheepish smile. “How are you? Happy to have your daughters home?”

  “Ash… let’s not do this. I—I can’t.” Gloria truly couldn’t stand in the lavatories of The Horse and Groom and have a casual conversation with Ash.

  Ash nodded as though she understood much more than what Gloria was saying. “Okay.” She turned towards the door.

  Gloria was already preparing herself for the deflation she knew she would feel at the sight of Ash closing the door behind her, when Ash turned around.

  “I know it’s not what we agreed, but, um, can I see you? Just to talk. Five minutes. Any time that suits you.” Ash’s gaze on Gloria was so piercing, so demanding that it seemed impossible to deny her request.

  “The girls will be out later,” Gloria said. “I’ll text you.” Something in her relaxed.

  “Thanks.” Ash didn’t exit immediately. Instead, she stood there and sized up Gloria for an instant. A tiny hint of a smile appeared on her face. Was Gloria so obvious that Ash could just read it all off her face? She would need to check herself in the mirror again before she joined her daughters. They might have moved out semi-permanently, but those girls picked up on everything, like they were in possession of a sixth sense. And running into Ash had flustered Gloria.

  Finally, Ash twisted the door knob and left. Gloria steadied herself against the sink. This was no way for a mother to behave, for a woman her age—like the silliest lovestruck teenager you’d ever come across.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The voice in Ash’s head was back in full force. She hadn’t allowed it to dominate her thoughts, though, at times, it was hard not to let it.

  What if this was more than just a silly fling?

  Ash had borrowed her mother’s bicycle, claiming she was going on a wholesome ride before returning to London later that night. It wasn’t a complete lie. She just hadn’t told her mum that her ride had a destination—and that destination was Gloria.

  As soon as she’d spotted Gloria in the pub, Ash knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to London without seeing her again. She hadn’t come to Murraywood with the purpose of running into Gloria, because she knew her daughters were home, and she wanted to give her the privacy and time she needed. They had only planned to see each other again after the next weekend.

  But when her mother had asked Ash to come home this weekend, Ash hadn’t been able to refuse the offer. Partly because being in Murraywood diminished the physical distance between her and Gloria and, for some obscure reason, this mattered to Ash. And partly because she didn’t have anything better to do. Not for lack of plans, but because her mind was all over the place. No matter how hard she tried, which might not have been that hard, Ash couldn’t stop thinking about Gloria. The memories they’d made were seared into her brain. The intensity of them made them too powerful to ignore, let alone file away as something done and dusted, as a short but torrid love affair that was all over.

  Ash hadn’t needed to see Gloria in the pub to know that it could not be over—not for her, anyway. What had surprised her, was Gloria’s reaction to seeing her. Gloria looked as though she’d been the one, and not Ash, who had revealed too much about her feelings when they’d last said goodbye.

  Ash parked her bicycle out of sight against the back of Gloria’s house. The door was open. All she had to do was walk in. Ash was met with a burnt smell that made her nose wrinkle of its own accord.

  “As I said.” Gloria walked towards her. “I ruined lunch. I burned the roast.” She shook her head. “I’m still not sure what happened.”

  “I’m glad you did,” Ash said. “If you hadn’t, I might not have seen you at the pub.” She glanced around. The house looked transformed now that Gloria’s daughters were home. A sweater was flung over the back of a chair. A backpack lay next to the kitchen table. Five pairs of shoes were lined up by the doormat. All reminders of why they had taken this break from whatever it was they had going on between them.

  “Seeing you… it left me so nonplussed.” Gloria ran a hand through her hair. It looked longer and thicker than when Ash had left this house two weeks prior. Everything about Gloria, and her house, looked slightly different. More off kilter. Less like it was when Ash had spent the night. “I didn’t expect it, of course, but what I definitely didn’t expect was that it would throw me so much. That I would…” She brought a hand to her lips, as though wanting to stop herself from saying more than she already had.

  “I miss you.” Ash tried to gaze deeply into Gloria’s eyes. “Maybe I’m not allowed to say that, but I don’t know what the rules of this are, Gloria. But fuck, how I miss you.”

  Gloria dropped her hand. She met Ash’s gaze with confidence now—or was it something else? “Come here, please.” She stretched out the hand she’d previously held in front of her mouth.

  It only took Ash a fraction of a second to bridge the distance between them. She took Gloria’s hand in hers and Gloria pulled her even closer.

  “You make me lose my fucking mind.” Gloria let go of Ash’s hands and folded her arms around Ash’s neck. “How I want you… it’s utterly insane.”

  Between Ash’s legs, a wild pulse was igniting already. She had come here to talk to Gloria. To, maybe, if she was lucky, express som
e of her feelings. But Gloria had a different idea of how to spend their time together, it would appear.

  Ash pressed her hands against Gloria’s back. Oh, to feel her body pushed up against hers like that again. Gloria started moving. She took tiny steps, pushing Ash backwards, until she stood against the fridge.

  “You make me do things I really shouldn’t do,” Gloria whispered.

  Her face was so close, but Ash could still make out the need in her eyes. Gloria’s breath came out ragged. That pulse between Ash’s thighs was getting more and more out of control. But Ash waited. She wanted Gloria to kiss her first. She wanted Gloria to take that final step towards her. Once that had happened, all the hinges would come off. Ash would fuck Gloria right here on her kitchen floor if she had to—if they couldn’t make it to a more private place. She had an inkling they wouldn’t. Gloria’s gaze on her was as wild as the thumping in Ash’s veins. There was no rhyme nor reason to this. Ash knew exactly what Gloria meant when she claimed that Ash made her lose her mind. Yet this wasn’t a purely physical connection either.

  Gloria flicked her tongue over her lips. The tiniest of groans escaped her throat. Then she slanted forwards and touched her lips to Ash’s. She had taken the final hurdle. When Ash had woken up in her old bedroom this morning, she might have dreamt of this, but she’d had no way of knowing she’d be kissing Gloria before the end of the day. Yet, here she stood. She opened her lips to Gloria. She met her soft, warm tongue. She buried her hands in Gloria’s luscious mane of hair. More than at any time during the weekend, she felt like she’d come home.

  “I want you, Ash.” Gloria said when they broke apart for an instant. “I’m serious.” She looked at Ash with hooded eyes, as though her desire was getting the better of her already. She moved away from Ash, leaned towards the door Ash had walked through mere minutes ago, and slammed it shut.

  “You have me.” As soon as Gloria stood fully back in front of her again, Ash cupped her jaw in her palm. “I’m right here.”