If You Kiss Me Like That

by Harper Bliss

  “Fair enough.” Driving always allowed her thoughts to flow better. If only it could make the articulation of said thoughts easier. But she was the one who had asked the question in the first place and she really owed Ash an answer, especially because she was dying to hear Ash’s vision of their possible future. “I suppose we will have got used to the commute between Murraywood and London by then.” She briefly glanced at Ash, whose hand lay still on the back of her neck. “Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to move back to your hometown.”

  “I wouldn’t mind it.”

  Ash surprised her by saying that.

  “I’ve been back more often lately and I quite like it. I know Mum and Dad would love it, once they, you know, get over seeing you and me together.” She softly caressed Gloria’s skin. “Your work schedule wouldn’t allow you to move to London and if we ever wanted to live together, me moving to Murraywood would be the only solution.”

  “This is all purely hypothetical, of course,” Gloria quickly added. They were just dreaming. She needed to make sure Ash knew that.

  “Yeah.” Ash’s thumb dug into a knot in Gloria’s shoulder. “Sure.”

  “You’d be up for commuting?” Gloria briefly glanced sideways again.

  “It’s not that far.” Ash’s tone was musing. “We’ll be at yours in ten minutes from now.”

  “It’s late now. There’s hardly any traffic left.”

  “If I really can’t get used to commuting, I can always retire. Live a life of leisure in Murraywood.”

  “Retire?” Gloria quirked up her eyebrows. “You’re only forty-two.”

  “Trust me, in my line of work, a lot of people retire by the time they’re forty. For some, it’s like a badge of honour to have made enough to retire by that age.”

  “Are you serious?” Gloria knew Ash made good money. The building where she lived dripped with affluence. But she didn’t have a clue Ash made that much that she could even consider retiring.

  “I’m not sure I’d know what to do with myself. I couldn’t just do nothing all day. You may think I’m a bad driver, but I’m an even worse cook.” Ash snickered. “Or maybe I could learn to become a good cook.” Her thumb swept over Gloria’s neck again. If she kept this up, Gloria would have to park the car somewhere out of sight to attend to the growing need between her legs. “Or I’ll just do some day trading from home. I don’t know. The point is that there are always options.”

  “That’s a great point.” Gloria leaned her head against Ash’s hand. They approached the exit towards Murraywood. It was the first time they had taken this exit in the car together. Gloria couldn’t help but see the symbolism in that. She would talk to Sally and Janey about Ash this week. Ash was going to tell her dad. They were dreaming up a future. Ash had, indeed, made an excellent point.

  “I don’t want to pressure you, darling.” Gloria was starting to feel like a broken record—a feeling she absolutely hated, but it couldn’t be helped when you were a mother. “But you’ll have graduated before you know it.”

  At least Sally was up. Gloria had shouted for her other daughter to come downstairs because lunch would be ready soon, but she’d heard no sounds come from Janey’s bedroom yet.

  “I genuinely had nothing to say because I hadn’t made my mind up whether to do a masters or find a job,” Sally said. “Otherwise, you know I would have talked to you, Mum.”

  Gloria nodded.

  “But what I would really like to do next year…” Sally looked away, as though she was about to admit to the most shameful act.

  Gloria braced herself.

  “I’d like to take a gap year. I’ll take a summer job to make some money, but come September or October, I’d like to travel for a while.”

  Gloria had been afraid of this. Two of Sally’s friends had taken a gap year before they’d started university, but Sally hadn’t given any indication that she would ever want to do that.

  Gloria had always tried her very best to not make her daughters feel that they couldn’t have what everyone else had—because they’d had so much taken away from them at such a young age already.

  She’d had savings and George’s life insurance, which hadn’t been a huge amount of money, but had allowed for some breathing room. Both Sally and Janey had qualified for partial scholarships, but raising and clothing and putting two children through school still seemed to cost an arm and a leg.

  “Where would you go?” Gloria tried to keep her voice neutral.

  Ideally, Sally would be ready to get a proper job and start life as an adult. The second option—of her continuing at university to obtain a master’s degree—would cost Gloria more, but she’d always told Sally that she would make it work. That she didn’t have to worry about the financial side of things. Education was too important. This third option, which Gloria hadn’t accounted for, threw her off guard.

  “Australia. I could get a working holiday visa for a year.”

  Jesus Christ. Gloria was used to Sally being at the University of York, but her daughter backpacking through Australia for a year was most definitely not a prospect she was ready for.

  “That’s quite far, darling.”

  Sally nodded. “I know. I just feel like I need… something. It’s hard to explain, Mum. Chances are, I’ll be working an office job for the rest of my life. When I come back, I can get a job and start training to become a chartered accountant. But before I do any of that, I just feel like spreading my wings and doing it properly, you know?”

  Gloria nodded. She might be able to understand, but every single one of her motherly instincts told her this was a bad idea. Although, for Sally, it might just as well be the best thing that happened to her. Gloria knew she’d need to get over her fear—because she knew that was the main factor here, again—quickly if she wanted to be a supportive parent. Sally only had one left. She couldn’t ask her to share this idea with her father.

  Upstairs, Janey’s door finally opened, followed by the bathroom door being slammed shut.

  “I know it’s a lot to deal with,” Sally said, suddenly sounding very mature. “We can talk about it more later.”

  “Have you told your sister about your plans?”

  Sally nodded, confirming that Gloria was always the last to know.

  “It would only be for a year, Mum.”

  A very expensive year, Gloria thought. “Do you know anyone who has done this?”

  Sally nodded. “Fran, a girl in my year. She did it before she went to uni. She says it was the best year of her life.”

  “Did Fran break down the cost of this year abroad by any chance?”

  Janey was ambling down the stairs now. Gloria had planned to have a proper conversation with her daughters over lunch, but the eldest had just told her she wanted to go to Australia for a year, while the youngest had only just rolled out of bed.

  “Yep. It’s very doable, Mum. I swear.”

  The cost of the airfare alone, Gloria thought. “Could you break it down for me?”

  Sally nodded. Janey approached her and gave Gloria an unexpected kiss on the cheek.

  “I don’t know why, but I was utterly unable to wake up today.”

  “Maybe go to bed a bit earlier,” Sally said, sounding like Janey’s second mother.

  “Blame Netflix,” Janey said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

  “Are you hungry?” Gloria asked. “I’ve made your favourite pasta.”

  “The one with chorizo and haloumi?” Sally asked.

  “Oh, yes.” Even now that they were grown up, Gloria could still take such delight in getting this kind of reaction to her cooking from her daughters.

  “I could eat a horse,” Janey said.

  “For breakfast,” Sally said.

  Gloria listened to their gentle bickering while she drained the spaghetti and readied lunch. How she would miss this if Sally went away for a year.

  Over lunch, the conversation had evolved in such a way that it sounded like a done d
eal that Sally was going to Australia come autumn. Janey egged her sister on as though it was also her dream that her older sibling would travel so far away—maybe she was already making plans of her own and she wanted Sally to pave the way.

  But Gloria had her own news she wanted to share. Maybe now was a good time to do it. Sally sounded rather elated because she’d finally told her mother about her plans and Janey was, at the very least, well slept. They’d both just eaten one of their favourite home-cooked meals—although Gloria always sent them back to university with a large batch of sauce. If now wasn’t the best time to break the news, Gloria didn’t know when that time would ever roll around. Probably never. But not telling her daughters was no longer an option.

  “Girls,” she started, “I have some news of my own.”

  They both stopped talking abruptly, as though shocked already. Gloria didn’t often have personal news to share. It was always the other way around. She noticed how Sally and Janey exchanged a glance. She ignored it and pressed on.

  “I’ve met someone. I’m seeing someone, to be more accurate. It’s, um pretty serious, so I thought you should know.”

  “Is that where you were on Tuesday night?” Janey asked.

  “I went to a meeting in London on Tuesday.” Gloria had been very clear about that, although, at the time, it had also been the perfect excuse. “But, yes, afterwards we did meet up.”

  “He drives a fancy Jaguar,” Sally said. “That much I know.”

  Had she seen the car pull up to the house? She must have also seen how Ash took the wheel afterwards, although she’d just said ‘he’. It didn’t matter. Gloria’s mind was racing because she was nervous. She took a deep breath.

  “Ooh, did you snag yourself a rich guy, Mum?” Janey said, sounding so unlike herself, Gloria wondered how else the first year of university had changed her youngest daughter.

  Sally rolled her eyes at her sister’s remark.

  Gloria had, apparently, snagged herself a rich woman. She was still processing that Ash had ever so casually mentioned that she could retire if she wanted to.

  “It’s not, um…” Damn, this was harder to say out loud to her children than she had anticipated. Just like facing Mary, this was the very moment Gloria had always dreaded the most. The few words she couldn’t find in herself to utter. “It’s not a man. She’s a woman.” Oh Christ. Gloria tried taking a deep breath. “I’ve been seeing a woman.” She straightened her posture.

  “Oh,” Sally said.

  “Really?” Janey’s eyes widened to the size of saucers.

  “You actually met her at the pub last Sunday. Ash Cooper.”

  “Wait,” Sally said. “What?

  “The fake blonde?” Janey said. “Who dresses like a boy?”

  “It’s called androgynous,” Sally corrected her sister.

  Androgynous. The word had never even occurred to Gloria.

  “But… isn’t she so much younger?” Janey narrowed her eyes.

  “She’s forty-two,” Gloria said as matter-of-factly as she could.

  “That’s pretty old, actually,” Janey responded.

  Gloria tried to keep a chuckle at bay. Anyone over thirty was old when you were eighteen years of age.

  “I would like you both to meet her before you go back to uni.” Gloria finally dared to rest her gaze on her daughters. “Only if you want to, of course. I can imagine this is a lot to take in.”

  “We knew you were seeing someone,” Sally said. “That was pretty easy to guess. All those secret phone calls in the garden.” She twirled her fork around on her plate. “We didn’t know you were seeing a woman, though.”

  Gloria nodded. “Is that a problem for you?” Her pulse picked up speed.

  “It’s just a little weird, Mum,” Janey said. “I never knew that was what you wanted. What about Dad? Was that not real? Were you in the closet all this time?”

  “No, darling. Absolutely not. I loved your dad so very much.”

  “Are you bi?” Sally asked.

  “I’m not sure. I guess. If being married to your father for so long and falling in love with a woman ten years later makes me bisexual, then that’s what I am, I suppose.”

  “Are you really in love with her?” There was a definite incredulous note in Janey’s voice.

  “Yes.” Gloria might as well say it out loud now. “I really am.”

  “She looks pretty cool,” Janey said. “Not like your other friends.”

  She is pretty damn cool, Gloria thought while fully allowing herself to chuckle at her daughter’s comment.

  “Is she in love with you?” Janey asked, as though that was most surprising of all.

  “I very much believe that she is, darling.” Gloria relished the sensation of pride blooming in her chest.

  “How long have you been seeing her?” Sally had been quiet for a while.

  “A few weeks.”

  Sally nodded in response, then fell silent again.

  “If you have any questions, I’m here, okay?” Gloria slowly exhaled. There was no obvious damage to assess, although, of course, she had no idea what was really going on in her daughters’ heads right now. “You can ask me anything.” She tried to find Janey’s gaze, but she was studying her nails very intently.

  Sally looked at her. “You raised us, Mum. This isn’t a problem for us. At least it isn’t for me.” She elbowed her younger sister in the arm.

  Gloria’s chest swelled with a different kind of pride now. What Sally had just said hit the nail on the head. She had brought up her daughters to not even think twice about their own or someone else’s sexuality—largely due, in fact, to Ash coming out to Mary and Alan at such a young age. Neither Mary nor Alan had ever spoken about their gay daughter any differently than they did about their straight son. They had set an example for her, although Gloria had always believed that she would need that unprejudiced kindness for one of her daughters, rather than for herself.

  “I don’t have a problem with this either,” Janey said. “Half my dorm is LGBT or at the very least Q.”

  Gloria found that hard to believe, but she wasn’t going to argue about it now.

  “Was that her car she was driving?” Sally asked.

  Gloria shook her head. “She borrowed it from a friend.”

  “Oh.” Sally looked disappointed.

  “I’m so glad I told you.” Gloria broke into a wide smile. She wanted to call Ash and tell her they’d just taken another step towards what they previously thought impossible. “Will you think about when you’d want to meet her in a more official way?”

  “Last Sunday, when she was at the pub, you made it seem like you barely knew her,” Sally said. “Was that because you were trying to hide it from us?”

  “That was one of the reasons.” Gloria wasn’t the type of mother who believed in being best friends with her daughters, yet she felt that she could maybe share this with the girls. “This hasn’t been so easy for me. You know, to find myself falling for a woman. I never expected it. It’s all so new and confusing.”

  “Is this a secret?” Janey was eyeing her phone. Now that her girls knew, there was no more keeping this affair private.

  “Ash hasn’t told all of her family yet, but I think she will soon. Until then, it would be good if you kept this to yourselves.” And not tell everyone at the next Easter holiday party you’re going to, Gloria added in her head.

  They both nodded, then Janey cocked her head. “Isn’t she a bit too hot for you, Mum?” she asked in all earnestness.

  Gloria burst into a girly giggle.

  “What kind of a question is that?” Sally’s gaze shot daggers at her sister.

  “Mum’s… Mum,” Janey said in her defence. “And Ash… I don’t know. She looks so cool and woke.”

  “Do you know what, girls? Why don’t you ask her yourself.” She stood and hugged them both, kissing them on the top of their head. “Thank you for being so lovely about this.”

  Chapter Forty-Threer />
  Now that Gloria had told her daughters, Ash was under pressure to tell her dad. Sally and Janey had taken it well, but they were young adults. Ash’s dad was a man in his late sixties who had known Gloria since before Ash was even born.

  It also wasn’t fair on her dad that both her mother and her brother already knew, and he didn’t. If she waited too long, he might actually get more upset about being the last to know than about the actual news.

  When she woke up on Saturday morning, after arriving in Murraywood late on Friday, her mother theatrically announced that she was going to the store, leaving Ash alone with her father. She all but winked at Ash when she closed the door behind her.

  “I’ll be in the garden if you need me,” her dad said. “Unless you want to give your old dad a hand?”

  “You do know I have the exact opposite of a green thumb. I’ll probably end up killing whatever it is you’re planting.”

  “Excellent for pulling weeds, dear.” He already had the doorknob in his hand.

  “Dad, I need to talk to you about something.”

  “Oh.” He looked at his hand, then let go of the doorknob. “Sure.” He poured himself and Ash more tea from the pot Ash had made earlier. “Does it have something to do with why you’re here every weekend now? Not that I’m complaining. Just observing.”

  “Yes. It has a lot to do with that, in fact.” Ash swallowed. She took a sip of tea. “I’m seeing someone… Someone who lives in Murraywood.”

  Her dad did a double-take. Ash could see the wheels in his head turning. “Who?” He really had no clue. “The only other lesbians I know here have all been married forever. Unless they’ve broken up, but I haven’t heard anything about it at the pub…”

  “It’s Gloria, Dad.” Ash bit the inside of her cheek in suspense. “She and I are, um, an item now.”

  “Gloria?” He scratched his cheek. “Nah. That can’t be. Gloria Young, you mean? Our Gloria?” He squinted at Ash as if that would allow him to read the truth off her face. “But she’s…” He shook his head. “Is it the first of April? Are you and your mother playing a prank on me?”