Always Three: A MMM Menage Coming Out of the Closet Romance (The Always Series Book 7)

by J. P. James

  “Who is it?” Hudson asks just before he peers over my shoulder. I watch his eyes widen, and Hayden’s jaw clench.

  Can she come in? I mouth. They nod curtly in synch.

  I turn back quickly to Janine, waving her in and clearing my throat to get it to work. This must be shock. I feel numb, but also unwilling to let myself feel again. I don’t know what will come up if I do.

  Hudson grabs the remote and turns the TV off as Hayden gestures for her to sit on the couch. She goes quietly, her gaze locked on the floor in front of her.

  It takes me a moment to move, but Hayden’s hand on my shoulder shocks me back to life.

  “We’ll be in the kitchen. I’ll make tea for you guys,” he whispers.

  I want him to kiss me again, but his hand drops away and they both cross into the kitchen without another word.

  “Ricky?” She calls.

  I fix my eyes on her. She’s on the verge of tears, and something primal tells me to comfort her. Despite everything, she needs me.

  She holds it together until I sit by her side on the couch, and then the floodgate breaks. She sobs. She wipes away tears as they come but she isn’t fast enough to catch them all. She stains her dress, and I do what I can to catch the strays as well.

  “Ricky, I’m so sorry,” she babbles. “I hurt you so badly. I was confused. I thought I was making a mistake. I felt tied down and I wanted to be free. I loved the wedding planning but I woke and realized I didn’t know why I was getting married.”

  Hayden and Hudson set our tea down on the coffee table. She hides her face from them, ashamed to let anyone see her like this. I wish I could read their faces, but it’s too complicated. They look like stone, but their bodies are harsh and distant.

  “I forgot about the most important person – y-you,” she stutters through her tears.

  Hayden and Hudson close their eyes and suck in air. This might be hard for me to hear, but I can’t imagine what they’re going through now either. I rub circles into Janine’s back, unsure what else to do.

  “I was stressed out for the gown and the cake and the venue and invitations,” she rambles. “My brain malfunctioned, and I ran. I ran to the bar, and then I left for Italy, and…I’m so sorry left you Ricky.”

  I force her to drink tea. If nothing else, it should force her to catch her breath and focus. Maybe she’ll calm down, and we’ll be able to talk like adults. I’d like that, just as much as I’d like to runaway myself.

  She sips her tea quietly, save a small sniffle here and there. I take mine and drink with her. Only moments later, she closes her eyes and sighs heavily.

  “And I’m sorry I just unloaded on you like that,” she says quickly.

  I shrug, setting the tea down. “You’ve been through a lot. We both have.”

  She studies me, her eyes swimming with fear. I can see her leaning in slightly. Maybe she notices too, because she jerks away suddenly, her eyes dancing around the room.

  “You live here now?” She asks.

  I nod, and then realize, yes, Janine is here.

  “How did you find me?” I ask back.

  She smiles. “Sarah. I’m glad your friends are taking care of you. It’s not easy looking for a new place.”

  I nod, but it feels like my head is full of lead. It’s heavy with the weight of everything Janine doesn’t know. I’m living with my friends. I’m apartment hunting. I’m single and alone. I’m unhappy.

  Everything is farthest from the truth, and I don’t know how to tell her.

  “Ricky?” She asks.

  I take my eyes off my lap and meet her tearstained ones.

  “I’m so sorry, but I didn’t forget about you. Far from it,” she says. She takes my hand in hers. “I miss you. I messed up, but I want this to work. Can we get back together, but with a fresh start?”

  I fight the urge to jerk my hand away, but instead I remove it carefully from hers. I don’t want to scare her, but the last few months have built up my resolve.

  “We can’t get back together and have a fresh start. That’s not how this works,” I reason.

  She nods, and her hand comes up to cup my face.

  “You’re right. I made a mess. I need to clean up.”

  She presses her lips together and leans close. She aims to kiss me. At the last second, I turn and give her my cheek. She accepts it, because it’s something. She leans harder into me, her face almost smashing mine. Maybe I should feel the heat. I should feel the fire that I feel the twins are around, but I don’t. There’s no fire for me.

  I hold her arms and push gently. She goes without a fight.

  “I learned so much about myself,” she says, still holding my face in her hands. “I realize I want a second chance with you. You’re worth it. Please, Ricky.”

  All these months and I haven’t heard a word from her. I’ve wanted so badly to know what happened, to understand her side of the story. Now that she’s here, her excuses are just making everything more confusing. I’m in a relationship now. I haven’t said it yet, but I’m falling for my “friends”. I love them, and I’m quickly falling in love with them.

  “I’m not sorry,” I whisper.

  Janine leans back to look at me. “What?”

  “You said you’re sorry you left,” I repeat.

  I grab her hands, and hold them gently between us.

  “I’m not sorry you left me, Janine. I think it was the best thing you did, for both of us,” I try to explain.

  She nods, a smile ghosting her lips. “I think so too. It made me realize how much I care about you.”

  I nod too, feeling a lump start to form in my throat.

  “You said you learning a lot about yourself since you left. I have to,” I begin.

  She nods, wanting me to continue. She squeezes my hands in hers. “That’s great. What did you learn?”

  “Don’t mind us. We’re going to settle down in our rooms–,”

  I turn away from Janine to see Hayden and Hudson. They’re hunched over like they were going to make a run for it. Instead, they’re frozen in place, their eyes darting between our intertwined hands and faces.

  “Thank you. It’s okay, Ricky. What were you saying?” Her voice coaxes me into facing her.

  I can’t look back yet though. I see the fear and sadness in their eyes. They don’t like what they see, and maybe they don’t feel like they can voice it, but it hurts. It doesn’t matter that we almost got married. They don’t like seeing her hands all over their boyfriend.

  I keep my eyes fixed on them, and don’t talk again until their eyes find mine.

  “I learned that love is worth all the risks,” I say to them.

  I take a deep breath, and ready myself to tell Janine about the twins. She deserves to hear it, but they deserve it even more.

  Before I get words out, I feel hands jerk my head around. They rip my gaze away from Hayden and Hudson. It takes another second, but I feel my newfound world shatter when Janine’s presses her lips fully on mine.

  15

  Hudson

  Janine doesn’t pull off Ricky until she hears the sound of ceramic shattering on the floor. To be honest, I didn’t notice the mug slipping from my hands either. I must be numb. Maybe I’m just dreaming. At the very least, I was a little distracted by my boyfriend’s ex kissing him in my living room.

  “Sorry,” Hayden says, running to grab a towel from the kitchen.

  I don’t help him. I don’t even offer. I just stare blankly at the space between their lips. I swear I can see how thick the air is between them. I swear I can see the heat lingering in the air. I don’t know how much of that heat belongs to Janine or to Ricky, but I feel it taint the apartment.

  “Hudson,” Ricky voices. It doesn’t sound like it’s coming from him or that it’s even in the room. I hear his voice through a funnel, like a faint echo somewhere in the back of my mind.

  At the forefront are my own thoughts. They swarm and suffocate me like banshees screaming over and ov
er.

  You should have known better.

  You give your heart away too quickly. You did it with Danny, and you’re doing it again. How many times are you going to break your own heart?

  You were just an experiment. Nothing more. Move on.

  “Hudson,” Ricky shouts again.

  I blink back to reality. I hear his voice cut through my terrors like a searchlight through the fog. When my eyes focus back on the two in front of me, Ricky stands while Janine stays. She keeps her eyes on him, enthralled by his every move. It pinches my skin and makes me want to tackle her to the ground.

  “I’ll clean this up really quickly,” Hayden mumbles as he kneels to mop up the liquid. “Then we’ll leave.”

  “Leave?” Ricky asks incredulously. “Don’t leave.”

  Hayden grumbles at my feet, and then rises without a second glance at the couch. Ricky looks at me, his eyebrows creased and digging into his features. It makes him look more rugged. How he manages that, I don’t know, but I curse myself for the palpitations it sends my heart.

  “Ricky, should we continue this at my place?” Janine asks behind him.

  I’m glad I dropped the tea. The nausea that washes over me is almost too much. I fist my hands to keep myself from passing out. Absolutely not, my mind screams to life.

  “Stay,” I tell them, choosing to keep things short and unaffected. “Ricky has an audition tomorrow. He needs sleep. Please, make this quick.”

  Hayden marches into the room like a solider on a mission. He grips my shoulder tight, and then chance a glance at him. I know my brother, and he looks five seconds away from breaking down. He drops his hand and beelines for his wallet and keys by the door.

  “When are you coming back?” Ricky asks calmly. He makes it sound casual. Janine probably thinks it’s because he wants uninterrupted time with her.

  I feel like two sides of be are battling each other. I have my very own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde battling for dominance in my body. Part of me knows that’s not true, but the other part has no problem questioning all of it. Every kiss and every touch comes into question. Part of me thinks I’m overreacting, and the other part doesn’t care because this could all be a sick dream. Part of me knows Janine hasn’t got a clue, and the other part wonders if it’s because Ricky always meant to go back to her.

  “Go to the bar across the street,” Ricky demands. “I’ll meet you there later.”

  I hear Hayden open the door. The thick air gets a reprieve, thinning slightly with the hallway nearby. Still, I can’t breathe.

  “Fine,” I say through clenched teeth. “Sorry to interrupt.”

  Ricky tilts his head, but I whip around to Hayden before he can say anything else. I close the door behind us, and the click of the lock sounds oddly like a lock closing around my heart.

  “That bitch,” Hayden hisses.

  He finishes off his second beer, and calls the bartender over to order a third. I grip his shoulder, leaning into him a moment before I lean back out. I’m only one beer in but I’m already swaying.

  “I don’t want to get pissed tonight,” I tell him, my voice already loose, “I don’t want you to get pissed either.”

  Hayden laughs bitterly, pushing aside his empty glass.

  “Do you think Ricky has the decency to not have makeup sex on our couch?” Hayden says.

  “Shut the fuck up,” I say as I shove off him.

  Despite my comment, I find myself looking up at the clock above the register. It’s been thirty minutes. It’s a long time to talk to anyone. I feel fear try to creep its way up, but I fight it off. I have to remind myself that they aren’t strangers with nothing in common.

  “It’s been three months. They have a lot to hash out,” I tell him.

  He laughs. He takes a sip of his beer and looks at me. “You didn’t say I should trust him.”

  I bite the inside of my cheek, my insecurities controlling my every move. “You should trust him.”

  Hayden’s jaw clenches. “I do. I think it’s making it worse.”

  I nod absently. He’s right. I trust Ricky, and I know he wouldn’t do that to us. He’s a good guy. That’s why he’s listening to Janine, instead of kicking her out altogether. Good guy’s give people the benefit of the doubt. Good guys give people second chances. Janine is important to Ricky. I know she is, but I let myself believe he cared about us more. Until tonight, I thought we came first, but that kiss shook me to my core.

  The door bursts open. Hayden and I turn to see Ricky launch himself through the entrance. His eyes are wild. He glances around the room in search of us, but they still the second they lock on us. In seconds, he strides towards the bar. He’s a man on a mission, and no one is getting in his way.

  Hayden stiffens next to me, but I don’t move. I already feel hard as stone. I’m not sure what it’ll take to soften.

  “I’m sorry that took so long,” he says as he takes the seat next to me.

  I gulp the last of my beer without a word. The bartender comes over, bringing me a second. Ricky asks for water, and as soon as the bartender leaves, he turns his body towards us.

  “You didn’t have to leave,” he swears.

  Hayden laughs at my side. “I didn’t want to walk in on another make out session.”

  Ricky huffs, his jaw flexing under the pressure. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think she’d do that.”

  “You told her to take risks, Ricky,” I explain. The words are ashy in my mouth. “So she took it.”

  Ricky leans forward. I watch his fingers dance at his side. He wants to reach out, but something’s holding him back. He cracks his knuckles and shoves it inside his pocket.

  “She’s gone,” he says. “She broke down, but I told her to leave.”

  Hayden finally looks at him, but I can hear the grumbling in his throat. “What’s the verdict?”

  Ricky balks at the question. “She left me. She abandoned me at our wedding. I told her I can’t do this with her.”

  Hayden and I gulp in unison. My heart does a backflip in its cage. I shut it down.

  “Can’t do what?” I ask before I stop myself.

  Ricky cocks his head, trying to understand. “What do you mean?”

  I turn to face him head on. It hurts, like a punch to my gut, but my pride wins out over the pain.

  “You said you can’t do this, but what do you mean? You can’t do the complicated shit where she’s hurt you but you move past it together? If things were easy, would you think differently? I mean, if she hadn’t put you through this, you would be married to a woman. To someone you didn’t love.”

  Ricky leans back, and turns to face the bar. His eyes grow distant, looking past the bottles of alcohol and into the abyss.

  “She was my rock. I didn’t think there was anything more important than that,” he admits.

  Hayden laughs, and I see his eyes stinging with tears. “Ricky, I have to ask. You’re an actor. You say you’re gay, and then you might be bisexual, and now you don’t know. What gives? Is all this an act too?”

  Ricky slams his hand on the bar. The bartender looks our way, but decides we have enough wits about us not to cause a fight. I’m glad he has so much confidence in us. Right now, I’m not so sure that’s true.

  “Take that back,” Ricky demands. “This is real. All of it.”

  Hayden plays with the rim of his glass. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

  Ricky leans forward, his eyes like daggers. “Believe me.”

  I pinch the skin on my palm, readying myself for the words on my mind. “I’m just as conflicted as Hayden. It feels like we’re in an acting workshop. I can’t tell what’s real anymore, but I don’t want to play a part in your sick play.”

  Just like that, I watch as my words strike Ricky’s heart like an arrow hitting the mark. He hangs his head, his chest rising and falling quickly. He stays silent, and it’s too much too bear. Maybe I’m a masochist, but I keep up my assault. With every cut that I inflict on Rick
y, I feel the blade striking me too.

  “You’re still hung up about all this, about Janine, and the wedding, and us. You’re overwhelmed by how you feel about it all,” I tell him. “You say you want us, but you can’t deny that you care about her. You love her, and if we hadn’t come along and she begged you to take her back, you’d do it.”

  Ricky rises from the bar. His hand reaches out into the air and comes down on mine, clutching it like a lifeline, like we might disappear if he doesn’t hold on with everything he’s got.

  “But I want this,” he says hotly. He fixes his eyes on me, and then on Hayden. “I want you guys. Please, how can I fix this?”

  Hayden stands from the bar, his third drink finished. “So, what, are you guys friends now?”

  Ricky follows Hayden’s movement, and I catch the unmistakable emotion in his eyes. He’s lost.

  “I don’t know,” he mumbles. “We made plans to get lunch tomorrow, to discuss things more.”

  His confession fortifies the last of my resolve. I stand with Hayden. I shouldn’t be shocked, but I clearly Ricky took control of my heart months ago. I look down at the man I was falling in love with, and feel my heart crumble inside my chest.

  “If Danny asked for our forgiveness, I’d have taken him back. If you hadn’t happened, it would have been the easiest decision in the world,” I tell him.

  Hayden nods, and pushes past me to leave. Ricky grabs his arm fast, his lips quivering as he speaks.

  “What does this mean for us?” He begs to know.

  Hayden pulls his arm away, gently but firmly. “We’ve been played before. We can’t to have someone play us again.”

  Ricky lets go of his arm. He blinks back tears, and a silent sob racks his body.

  “I’m sleeping at the station tonight,” Hayden finishes, and makes the final steps to and out the front door.

  Ricky gives me a final look before I follow Hayden outside. My body feels sick, like there’s poison in my veins. The cool air hits my face but does nothing to calm the fire on my skin. This isn’t desire or need, but an all-consuming dread.