Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship

by Mansell, Anna

  Emily coloured slightly. Mostly because she’d spent quite a lot of money on a dermabrasion before the Everest film and it felt a little unfair for Lolly to think that she’d still look like this without spending thousands on facial routines and not living on a cliff top in Cornwall any more. ‘Thanks, though… I’ve had a bit of help. Perks of the job, you know?’

  ‘Right.’

  Lolly stepped back, her body posture suddenly shifting from excited kid to slightly worn down… nurse? Is that what she is now? Emily wasn’t sure and felt bad that she had no idea. How had someone so important become such a stranger? A stranger. That’s effectively what she was. Time has changed. Life has moved on. So, probably, has she. ‘Lolly, it’s so lovely to see you. I…’ she glanced over at the bus stop and down at her watch ‘… I have to get a bus though,’ she said, apologetically. ‘I’m on the last leg of a horrendous journey – I bought a place in Gorran Haven a while back, it’s time to settle back home.’ She paused and felt her feet throbbing. ‘But if I have to be in these trainers for any longer than is absolutely necessary I think my feet might implode.’

  ‘Oh, of course. Sorry. Go on. Wow, though. How lovely to see you, I’m—’ She stopped, as if thinking twice about what she was going to say before coming out with it anyway. ‘I’m a big fan. You know, just like I was back in the day. Well done, you made it. You’re doing it. I never doubted you.’

  Emily pulled her in for a squeeze, basically to buy herself time to blink back the tears that such sentiment invited. It seemed odd to feel so distant from the woman standing before her, the woman who, when they were teenage girls, pretty much fuelled Emily’s self-belief. Would she ever have made it in life were it not for Lolly’s enthusiastic encouragement? Probably not… a fact that placed Emily even further away from a zone in which compliments were welcome. ‘Thanks,’ she said, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. ‘It’s lovely to see you.’ She released Lolly. ‘I’d better be going…’

  ‘Sure. Of course. Well… see you…’

  ‘Yeah… bye.’

  Emily moved to cross the road to the bus terminus but a hand caught her arm. ‘Hey, this is my number. In case you wanna catch up. It’d be lovely to chat, you know… I mean, I’m sure you’ve got loads of friends now, you’re probably overrun by people.’ Emily looked down at the scrap of paper Lolly was scribbling her number on. ‘And not cause you’re famous or anything, it’s not that. I just remember how much we’d laugh, when we were kids. And, I feel like I’ve a whole load to tell you and a whole lot of listening to do. If you wanna. No pressure. Just… you know… if you like.’

  ‘That’d be cool, Lolly. At some point. Yes. Thanks.’

  The women stared at each other, each considering the other and their past and the lives they’d not shared and the stories they could tell. And Emily felt her heart drop to her stinky trainers at the prospect of having to tell anybody about the reality of what appeared to be such a life. She buried every part of her that wanted to drag Lolly to the nearest pub and tell her everything, stuffing the number in her jeans pocket instead.

  Lolly

  ‘Hey, babes, you won’t believe who I saw today!’ Lolly kicked her clogs off, threw her bag in the understairs cupboard and went off in search of Kitt, her husband of fifteen years. She found him at his desk, hunched over his laptop. ‘I swear to god, you won’t guess!’

  Lolly still hadn’t got used to his new glasses so peered for a moment from his office doorway. She didn’t look at him much these days, she realised that as she stared. They just milled around one another normally, getting on with life as husband and wife, parents, employees. Did that change when the kids came along? That sense of the other one being almost invisible? Not in a bad way, just in a… life carries on and they were comfortable way. He was starting to look a bit like his dad and she wondered if she looked much like her mum, except that Lolly was now older than her mum, the last time she saw her.

  Kitt peered up from the laptop, adjusting the bridge down his nose so he could focus on her.

  ‘Come on, try and guess!’

  ‘Guess what?’

  ‘Who I saw today.’

  ‘God, I don’t know!’

  ‘You’ll not believe it.’

  Kitt fixed her with an exasperated look, before throwing his glasses on the desk and leaning back in his chair. ‘If I’ll not believe it then I’ll never guess so why don’t we cut out the middle man?’

  ‘Because that’s not as much fun!’ Lolly narrowed her eyes. ‘If you guess it, we can have sex,’ she purred.

  ‘Wow, we’re gaming for favours now, are we?’ He didn’t sound as turned on by the idea as she had hoped.

  ‘Come on, the kids won’t be back until six. I make that forty-five minutes.’ She lowered her voice. ‘We could do it right here, on your desk.’ She stepped inside his office, ruffling her hair so it fell across her face in a way he’d once said he found really sexy. She’d laughed because she could barely see out, but at this point in time, she would do anything to get laid and he definitely seemed to need more provocation than once upon a time. ‘You don’t have to do anything. Just sit there, let me—’

  ‘I have to get this finished, Lolly. I’m late, it should have been in by lunchtime. If I don’t get it done they won’t trust me to work from home again.’

  ‘Maybe I can help?’ Lolly stepped across to his desk, laying it on thick: a fixed look, open lips, a bend at the hips to see what he was doing so there’d be just enough gap down her top for him to perve. Which he did, just as she knew he would. Some things don’t change. ‘If time is a problem, I can be quick.’

  ‘Quick?’ he said, moving his glasses from the desk as she straddled him.

  ‘Really quick.’

  She kissed his ear, which always made him groan. ‘It’s the perfect time, babe. I just need your sperm. You don’t have to do a thing.’

  Kitt got hold of Lolly’s hands, just as she was about to unbuckle his jeans. ‘It’s the perfect time?’ he said, coldly.

  ‘Well, I mean, you know…’ Shit. She knew she should have stuck to the come on and not mentioned the fact that her phone app had told her she had a three-hour window to maximise their chances of conceiving, hence practically running home from the bus.

  ‘You just need my sperm,’ he said, moving her from his knee. She rubbed her wrist where he’d held too tight.

  ‘I don’t mean it like that, I want you too.’ He shrugged, disbelieving. ‘Of course I want you too, I love you.’ She leant back in to kiss him but as was the case so often of late, he didn’t respond.

  ‘Lolly, I can’t keep doing this. It doesn’t feel… I don’t know. It’s all so…’

  ‘What?’ She was pushing him now. The last time they’d had this discussion, he’d said she was desperate and that caused a fair and proper row. They didn’t speak for days after that until she decided to apologise because he’d made it clear how much she’d hurt him and, if she was totally honest, she’d hit the final window in that ovulation cycle and couldn’t bear the idea of another month not being pregnant when she took her next test.

  Kitt sighed. ‘We need to take our time, Lolly. I can’t just… perform. You know? I want to feel like you want me, not just my sperm.’

  ‘I want both.’

  ‘And the doctor said it might not work. It can take a year or so after the reversal before things are back to normal. We can keep doing this, but maybe it’s just not going to happen. And we’re not getting any younger. I don’t know… maybe…’ Lolly bit down hard on her bottom lip because she knew what was coming next and it wasn’t going to be her. ‘Why can’t you be happy with the two we’ve got?’ he said, quietly.

  Her bottom lip wobbled. Her eyes stung. No matter how hard she looked up to the ceiling, she knew she was going to cry and she was even more annoyed that her tears weren’t a result of raging hormones. Not the pregnancy kind, at any rate.

  ‘Come here.’ He pulled her back onto his lap, holding her tigh
t. ‘I know, I know you want another, but I think you have to be realistic. And besides, I’ve had a full-on day. I’m behind on this, the kids are going to be back soon. Can you imagine the years of therapy if they walked in on us fucking by the fish tank?’

  Lolly let out one of those teary sad laughs. She looked over at the fish tank, just able to make out her reflection, refracted by a skull and one of those sunken pirate ship things. ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Look, let’s make some time this weekend. Ted’s got a sleep over and Stan won’t hear a thing when he’s asleep. We can take our time. Make love. Be together because we want to be, not just because your temperature is right and you need my sperm.’ He kissed her, gently. ‘I love you.’

  He hadn’t been this affectionate for months. She couldn’t remember the last time he looked her in the eye like he was doing now. Was he still inside? The man she fell for all those years ago? The man who rescued her? Who promised her everything so long as they were side by side?

  ‘I love you too,’ she said.

  ‘Then let me finish this,’ he said, with a half-smile, before moving her out of his way. ‘Come on. It’s nearly five thirty and you’ve not got your PJs on yet. The world could very possibly end.’

  Lolly nodded because it was true, she had been in the house for more than five minutes and hadn’t yet taken off her bra. If she hadn’t been desperate to get pregnant this would basically be unheard of. ‘Okay. Okay. Sorry.’

  ‘I know you are. It’s fine. I get it.’

  Lolly wasn’t sure that he did. Not really. Partly because she’d never said that actually, she was desperate to have another child on the basis that the odds had to work in her favour. She wanted a girl. And she knew it was selfish and she knew it wasn’t right to have a preference and she knew she was a bad person and if she told anyone she wouldn’t blame them for judging her, but it was how it was. She wanted a girl. She wanted what her sister, Joanna, and their mum had had. What she had never experienced because her mum passed away when Lolly was small. She wanted to fix the past with a new future. She wanted that bond. That connection between mother and daughter. She loved her sons, of course she did. They were… everything. She just really, really wanted a daughter too. No matter how guilty that made her feel.

  Jess

  ‘You off home?’ Jess asked from behind her laptop.

  ‘Yeah, got a date with that bloke from last week,’ said one of the juniors, Vicky.

  ‘Wow, really? The one who squeaked?’

  ‘Thought I’d see if it was a one-off. Or if he could mimic any other animals during intercourse.’

  ‘So it’s research.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And not at all because he knows how to find your G spot without using Google.’

  ‘Definitely not that.’

  ‘Well, have fun. Perhaps don’t text me straight after this time. I couldn’t get back to sleep, every time I closed my eyes I had visions and audio that I just don’t need.’ Jess went back to her laptop, making a few more notes on the pitch she’d been working up all day, distractions, distractions. ‘Oh, Vic!’

  Vicky popped her head back round the door. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Top job today, really good. I reckon they’re gonna be your first new client.’

  ‘Fingers crossed!’ Vicky beamed.

  ‘And the new guy, Jay, he should be good to work with on it. He knows his stuff, so… you’ll make a good team.’

  ‘Do you think? I’m nervous. New job, new boss. I liked working with you. I don’t like change. And what if he’s a dick?’

  ‘He’s not a dick.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I know him,’ she said, because there was no point hiding that fact at least. ‘I’ve known him for years. Not… closely, you know. I guess I know of him, more than know, know him. But he’s good. He’s great. You’ll be fine.’

  ‘Yeah, and I can still talk to you if needs be, right?’

  ‘Of course you can. Always!’

  ‘Cheers, Jess.’ She went to leave, then paused. ‘You’ll be a tough act to follow. As bosses go.’ Vicky smiled, then left, leaving Jess alone in the office. Again.

  Normally, she didn’t mind this time of night. She’d always got most of her work done between six and eight of an evening. It was rare she had company, unless there was a really big project that all the team were involved in. And since she would start later than most, mornings not really being her thing, it suited her. The office would shut down, phones would go quiet. Lights in corners of the open plan would automatically sense a lack of motion, sending corners into darkness. Which was fine until one randomly came on and Jess shit herself thinking someone had come back in to spook her… or worse. Her imagination totally made her great at her job. Advertising, marketing, it all needed wild thinking and a creative brain. It’s just that the same brain was also capable of making her think she was about to be cut down by the water cooler, despite the treble locks and Dave the security guard downstairs.

  Dave the security guard. Bless him. He’d asked her out again this lunchtime, just quietly, on the down low. Keen not to embarrass her but keen for her to realise he was serious. That he had been for months now. She felt bad for him, she’d known about unrequited love and she knew it could take a while to get over it, but he would. She had. At least, she thought she had. Until the focus of her unrequited affections appeared on the stairwell, heading to her place for an interview with the directors. The man she thought she’d moved on from stood before her on the third floor. Did he move as if to give her a hug or was that her imagination too? He said he was thrilled to see her after ‘all this time’, but she wasn’t sure he could be. She’d broken his heart, hadn’t she? Or maybe not, since he’d moved on… Either way, it was a lifetime ago and the grown-up in her told her it didn’t need to matter. She smiled. She wished him luck. Then she hid in the toilet from him for something like forty-five minutes… only coming out in the end because she was desperate for a cigarette.

  Jay Trewellan. Unlike what she’d told Vicky, Jess knew Jay well. From the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed to the tiny, heart-shaped freckle on his chest. Despite all the years that had passed, she could still imagine the feel of his lips against hers, or how safe she felt in his arms. Safe. Something she’d so needed to feel when they first met.

  The first thing she looked for was a ring on his wedding finger and the thump in her heart when she saw it spoke volumes. Still there after all these years. Jealousy. It hurt to know Jay and his wife Niamh were still together, no doubt perfect, happy, in love. And it hurt that she couldn’t let them have that, without feeling such deep-seated, unattractive, jealousy. What a hateful emotion. What kind of person was she? Why couldn’t she just let them be together, why couldn’t she be happy for them? She’d been the one to walk away, after all. She’d been the one to tell him she was going travelling, that she needed to be free and he couldn’t keep her from that. She’d been the one to tell him she was happy for them when she was in New Zealand, eighteen months later, and he’d emailed to tell her about their relationship. It stung, she remembered that, but she wasn’t ready to go home. She was trying her very best to live the young life she thought she was supposed to. One that drowned out anything that went before it with drink and drugs and meaningless sex with strangers. She certainly wasn’t ready to settle down. Jay and Niamh were. She just hadn’t anticipated how much that fact would hurt her when she finally came home. Or how real she’d feel the loss when she went on dates with different blokes and realised that Jay was the only man to ever make her feel like it was her he wanted to be with. Her, not just her body. Not her bum or her boobs or her curves. He was the only man to ever make her feel like she was sexy because she was smart and funny and had spirit. She had never before, or since for that matter, been with a man that did not simply objectify her for his own sexual gain. She got attraction, she did, she’d seen Tom Hardy, she knew about lust, but Jay? Jay was a whole different ball gam
e. How could she have walked away from someone who’d made everything better?

  Emily

  Emily wrapped herself up in the freshly laundered terry towelling dressing gown that Jenny had left by the bed. Jenny had also lit the fire, filled the fridge, put the hot water on and made sure the bedding was clean, ready for Emily’s return. Jenny was basically Emily’s hero. She’d left a note listing all the things she’d sorted and apologising for the bits she’d not managed to get off Emily’s last-minute list: avocado, Baker Tom’s bread, oil for the tank – which was coming tomorrow, according to the note. Emily had always been able to rely on Jenny to look after the house and get things ready for her return, but the dressing gown was an extra bonus this time. It came with a note,

  For you to lounge around in. Enjoy! X

  She padded down the wonky stairs, ducking beneath the beam and into the kitchen. She paused, moving her feet about the warm tiles, the underfloor heating giving a moment’s bliss. Getting a glass out, she reached for a bottle of Argentinian Malbec off the rack and went into the lounge, dropping into the Duresta sofa she’d bought the last time she was back. She glugged the wine into her glass. She tucked her feet beneath the many, many cushions. Her heart began to thaw with the sound of the birds in the garden and the sheep on the hill, and though she couldn’t quite hear it today, the ocean was no more than a few minutes’ walk away. This was life suddenly, but perfectly, starting anew. On her terms. In her home country.