Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship

by Mansell, Anna

  ‘It’s not impossible,’ said Jess, nudging her gently.

  ‘Maybe I miss the person I thought she would be with me, you know? The person Jo has told me all about. Maybe I miss the fantasy. Whatever it is that I miss… it’s big. It’s in my heart. It’s…’

  ‘It’s totally understandable,’ said Jess, and the girls agreed.

  ‘I feel her absence,’ said Lolly, sadly.

  The girls fell silent. Lolly felt a sense of shame in her belly. It was Amanda who came to her rescue in the end, something Lolly remembered she’d often done in the past. When things had got awkward, Amanda could always be relied upon to shift gears.

  ‘So I bet you’re at it like rabbits then!’ she said suddenly, eyes wide.

  Jess rolled her eyes, a wry smile on her face. ‘Typical.’

  ‘What? It’s necessary. And aren’t we supposed to be hitting our peak now? Isn’t that what they say?’

  ‘Christ, I feel sorry for the men of Cornwall if you’re only just hitting your peak.’

  ‘They bloody love it,’ Amanda purred.

  ‘We’re supposed to be trying.’

  Amanda finished her wine off and Jess topped her up.

  ‘Kitt had a vasectomy after the boys. It was a joint decision, we just thought it would be simpler. Yet from the moment he got back from the clinic, I couldn’t work out how I’d agreed. I was terrified. It brought it all crashing back. I was never going to have a daughter. I was never going to close that circle, you know? Does that make sense?’

  ‘Hey, look, I have a daughter, you might have done yourself a favour,’ said Amanda, still trying to lighten the mood.

  ‘I tried not to worry about it for ages. I thought time would heal it all. I thought I’d get over that need, you know?’ Emily cocked her head to one side. ‘The need to have a baby, have you never had it? It’s like biology takes over and you have to have one, you have to have a baby.’

  ‘Sounds horrendous,’ said Jess, with a sympathetic smile.

  ‘It’s all-consuming is what it is. So we’ve been trying. Kitt had the reversal months ago and we’ve just got to keep fingers crossed now.’

  ‘And have sex,’ added Amanda.

  Lolly laughed to herself. ‘Yeah… well… that could be better too.’

  Amanda took another slug of wine. Lolly followed suit, wiping her mouth with her sleeve afterwards. ‘I think perhaps I’m being a little too demanding. Or he has gone cold on the idea of having another one.’ She groaned. ‘Or maybe he’s gone cold on me. Shit, girls, this is not what you want from a reunion, is it? Sorry, Emily. You make it all the way back here, bother to text, and I’ve just done a right Debbie Downer.’

  Emily looked from Lolly to Amanda and Jess. ‘When did life get complicated?’ she asked.

  ‘When you left for the U.S.,’ said Lolly. ‘Not that we’re blaming you, Emily, obviously.’

  ‘I didn’t want to go!’

  ‘We know, we know.’ Lolly patted her hand.

  Jess sat up, thoughtfully. ‘Things were different after that though, weren’t they? I mean… we changed…’ Lolly turned to look at Jess, who ran a finger round the rim of her glass. ‘Or maybe I just changed. I don’t know. The dynamics were different though. Our lives were different. Suddenly things were happening that were out of our control… just at a point when we thought we should be making our own decisions, decisions were being made for us. And big ones too, it felt like. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘What, ’cause we were teenagers. We were planning our future lives, our careers.’

  ‘Exactly, I dunno about you three, but I felt like I knew what I wanted in life.’

  ‘Are we going back to Tom Cruise?’ asked Amanda.

  ‘Please god, no,’ Emily answered, with a laugh.

  ‘And then a grown-up came along and took away our choice,’ said Jess, quietly.

  ‘Sometimes I think I preferred it when were kids,’ said Lolly. ‘When we didn’t have the complexities of relationships to deal with, or demons to face up to. When we could go out and get pissed up and not have to be adult the next day on a raging hangover.’

  Amanda

  Amanda sat there, listening to them all, conflicted. Being with them all again was like getting in your PJs on a winter’s night. It was like putting the fire on and drinking hot chocolate, or a really expensive rum. It was like being wrapped up safe and warm and protected from life’s cold hard truths. Except that life’s cold hard truths were sitting across from her in the form of a woman she totally loved. Always had. She’d adored Lolly from the moment they first met, back in the junior school one sunny September day. They must have been about eight, maybe seven. Lolly had moved to the area from somewhere up country, Sheffield maybe, Amanda couldn’t now remember. But she did remember seeing this girl in the playground. Clinging to her dad’s leg, smiling shyly at anyone who might look in her direction. Amanda had been buddied up with her, and she’d been taken with Lolly’s accent, the way she said bath with a hard ‘a’ instead of her own Cornish, elongated vowels. The way she would smile at a joke but be too scared to join in until she was invited. Amanda remembered how she’d taken her by the hand at the end of the day, introducing her to her own mum and dad as her new best friend. She remembered how Lolly had beamed and Amanda had loved how she could make her smile and laugh.

  When they were just turned twelve, Lolly had started her periods and didn’t know who to talk to. She felt embarrassed, she felt she couldn’t talk to her dad. By then, her big sister Joanna had stayed in London after finishing uni. Amanda had taken Lolly to the shop to help her buy what she needed before walking her home, giving a pep talk about how it was okay to tell her dad. That all girls had periods. That she had nothing to be ashamed of.

  Amanda remembered all of the things they used to do together, the two of them and as a four with Emily and Jess. And now, after all these years, they were back in touch and it was brilliant, and glorious. It was, after some initial nerves, really lovely to see them.

  So how could she tell Lolly that she had slept with her husband? And how could he do that to her when she was so desperate for a baby? It can’t be like he wasn’t getting any at home.

  ‘Come on then,’ Emily said, sitting up to face Amanda. ‘What’s life been like for you? How old is Zennor now? What’s it like? Do you work? What do you do?’

  Amanda swallowed. She wanted to reach out and tell them everything, but knew she couldn’t say anything at all. Not now, at least. Not here.

  ‘Zennor is nineteen.’

  ‘Ouch!’ said Jess. ‘How did that happen?’

  ‘I know, right. Nineteen, knows everything and dislikes me. Hence her living with daddy dearest.’

  ‘How can anyone dislike you?’ shrieked Lolly, who it would now appear was rather enjoying the Sunday afternoon drinking.

  Amanda laughed to herself. ‘I think I’m probably a disappointment to her.’

  Jess shook her head. ‘Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?’

  ‘I know, right. But, amongst other things, the hair, the clothes, the penchant for daytime drinking.’ She raised her glass by way of proof. ‘I’ve never walked in on her talking to someone I thought I was seeing.’

  ‘Eh?’

  Amanda buried her head in her hands. ‘Oh god, the other night, she came into a bar to find me getting chatted up by a bloke she has history with. I mean, I wasn’t doing anything, we were just chatting, but shit, it must have been awful for her and is another example of my not conforming. I’m probably a pretty crap mum.’

  ‘No! I refuse to believe that,’ said Lolly. ‘If my mum was an independent woman, out and about, living her life, I’d be so proud. I’d rather have had that than someone who stayed at home knitting and watching Morse,’ said Lolly.

  ‘I love Morse,’ pointed out Jess. ‘In fact, I started watching Endeavour recently, anyone seen that? Oh my god, I love it. It’s the character Morse, but from the early years. It’s bloody brilliant�
�� I plan to go back to Morse from episode one when I’ve finished all the Endeavours…’ Jess trailed off as the girls all stared. ‘It’s possible I need to get out more.’ The women giggled. ‘What about work then, Amanda, what do you do?’

  Amanda picked up the menu. ‘Oh, you know what it’s like down here. A bit of this, a bit of that. Cleaning. Mostly.’

  ‘I’d be shit at that,’ said Lolly. ‘I can barely keep on top of my own house, never mind somebody else’s.’

  ‘Same,’ said Emily. ‘We had someone in back in New York. I keep thinking I should get someone here.’

  Amanda looked at Emily with a smirk. ‘How the other half live, eh.’

  Emily paused. ‘Well, I was going to ask if you would do it but since you put it like that… maybe it’d be weird.’

  ‘Little bit,’ agreed Amanda, not entirely sure if Emily was joking or not.

  There was a pause in the conversation. The women looked at each other.

  ‘It’s good to see you all, you know. I was worried, that this would be awkward,’ said Emily.

  ‘Well, apart from you suggesting I become your cleaner, I’d say it’s not been too bad.’

  Emily coloured. ‘I was kidding.’ She grinned.

  Amanda agreed, it was good to see them all. It was good to hear how they were, to get an insight into how life had treated them and see if the hopes and dreams they had had come to life. She just didn’t know if she could do this again. The thought of hurting Lolly, if she ever found out what she’d done, well that was more than she could take.

  A rush of cold air came through the door and it made the girls shiver. But as Jess looked up, her face dropped.

  Jess

  Jay and Niamh stood in the entrance to the bar. For a moment, it looked like Jay was going to turn around and leave but thought better of it, much to Jess’s frustration.

  ‘Jess, hi. I erm…’ Jay looked from Jess to Niamh. ‘This is Jess. From work.’ But it seemed to Jess that he needn’t have explained which Jess she was given that Niamh stared at her. Hard.

  ‘Hi! Wow. Fancy seeing you here.’ It was every clichéd hello in the book but Jess had nothing else to offer.

  ‘Yeah.’ He hovered, and Jess wished he’d just walk on by. ‘Mum’s got the kids, so we could do some shopping and then we thought we might as well take advantage of the moment to be grown-ups. Niamh wants a cocktail, don’t you, love?’ Niamh nodded but if looks could kill, Jess would be six feet under.

  ‘Nice. I’m just catching up with this lot. Old schoolmates.’

  ‘Nice.’

  ‘Well, enjoy your cocktails,’ said Jess, smiling brightly.

  Niamh gave a shallow nod, looking Jess up and down.

  ‘Thanks. We will. Right, oh look, love. There’s a table free over by the window. Let’s…’ Jay ushered Niamh away from Jess and though she didn’t want to watch, Jess couldn’t help but notice the two exchange words. Did Niamh know about Jess? About the other night? About twenty years ago? How much do you tell your wife about past loves?

  ‘Jess,’ said Lolly, gently.

  ‘Hmmm?’

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes! Of course!’ She looked back over to see Niamh staring at her as Jay walked over to the bar. She swallowed.

  ‘Was that… Jay as in Jay, Jay?’ asked Amanda.

  ‘No…!’ Lolly looked back over at them. ‘No way! Is it? Oh my god, it is!’

  ‘Jay who?’ asked Emily.

  ‘The Jay who Jess fell for back in the day, before she went off travelling.’

  ‘I never understood why you walked away from him,’ said Amanda, distractedly.

  ‘Jay who?’ repeated Emily.

  ‘He was the love of her life,’ said Lolly. ‘Wasn’t he, Jess? After you left, Emily, she went a bit weird. Sorry, Jess, but you did a bit. Do you remember? Then she met Jay.’ She motioned towards him. ‘And Amanda and I were worried about her, she talked about him all the time but wouldn’t seem to do anything about it.’

  ‘We made her,’ said Amanda. ‘Not in a bad way, just in a “come on, he is fit” way. Which he was.’

  ‘Still is!’ said Lolly.

  Jess looked down at her watch. ‘You know what, girls, I’m sorry, but I think I need to… I should probably…’ She looked around for her bag, dropping her phone and purse into it.

  ‘You can’t go!’ screeched Lolly.

  ‘Yeah! Please don’t go!’ Emily looked from Jess to Jay and Niamh, she reached out to Jess which made her all the more conflicted. ‘I want to know ALL about this weird phase and how he fixed it for you!’

  Jess couldn’t bear it. She loved Emily, she’d missed her when she moved away but she could never tell her why she’d gone weird. She could never admit her dark secrets, or why she’d really ended up leaving Jay. Maybe it would be better to leave these friendships in the past, whatever Matt thought.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry, I just need to… I hadn’t realised what time it was. I have a bit of work to catch up on, big week at work…’ She leaned across to kiss Emily and Lolly. She gave a squeeze to Amanda. ‘Let’s do this again. Soon. I’d love it. I miss you all. You’re bloody lovely. Let’s stay in touch this time, okay?’

  The girls stared, open-mouthed. She blew them a kiss then headed out the door. She got as far as the pavement before realising she was cold because she’d left her coat behind. And she hadn’t left any money for drinks. And Jay and Niamh were sat in the window, chatting to one another, him looking over Niamh’s shoulder to watch her. This wasn’t right, Jess could only imagine what Matt would say if she told him how it all ground to a sudden ending like this. And bloody hell it was cold without her coat. Shit. Reluctantly, she turned on her heel and went back inside.

  As she pushed the door open, Amanda held up her coat. Lolly gave her a smile like she did that time she failed her driving test and didn’t want to admit how devastated she was. Emily shuffled round the table towards her. ‘Let’s go somewhere else,’ she said, pulling her stuff together. ‘I’ll get these, you lot sort out where we’re headed next.’

  Lolly discreetly got hold of Jess’s hand, holding it tight and close in to her hip, eyes fixed on Amanda.

  ‘More drinks somewhere or do you all want to come to mine?’ Amanda asked.

  ‘I think I just want to go home,’ said Jess. ‘I don’t know, it’s complicated.’

  ‘All the more reason for you to come to mine then. Come on, I have wine and tea and crisps and Immaculate Collection on repeat.’

  And the part of Jess that didn’t want to open up to the girls was suffocated by the part of Jess that wondered how she’d survived the last twenty years of her life without them. They were a four, ready to take on the world.

  ‘Get your coat,’ said Amanda as she hooked her arm through Jess’s. ‘You’ve pulled.’

  Amanda

  ‘Come in, come in. Don’t bother about your shoes, I can’t remember the last time I mopped or hoovered. Mind the cat.’ Amanda picked Jaffa up, kissed his head and shooed him off upstairs. ‘Coats on the bannister if you want.’ She turned the heating dial up until it clicked, noticing her hands shaking as she did. She didn’t do nerves. Not for years. It just wasn’t her way. ‘Kitchen’s this way. I’m not waiting on you hand and foot. Open cupboards, find food and drink, I need a wee.’

  Emily, Jess and Lolly stood looking round Amanda’s kitchen. ‘Glasses in that cupboard, kettle’s over there,’ said Amanda as she dived out of the room.

  She scanned the downstairs to make sure there was nothing that could give her away. She shut the door on her workroom before retreating to the downstairs loo. The house felt full of familiarity, which terrified her. Lolly was right there, right out in the kitchen. Steps away from the room that her husband was in just days ago. It was clear they had to leave the bar, that bit was fine, but it was so obvious Jess wasn’t okay, they couldn’t have parted ways yet. She’d done the right thing, inviting them to hers, but guilt still spiked.

  �
��What are you drinking?’ Lolly shouted.

  ‘Red, please,’ she answered, making her way back to the kitchen. ‘Is anyone hungry? I’ve a chicken in the fridge. I could roast it and shove some potatoes on too. Not exactly a Sunday dinner, but something to look forward to whilst we chat.’

  ‘I don’t know that I should be out for dinner too, it was my turn to cook.’ Lolly’s phone pinged with a message. She took a cursory glance before fiddling with it and dropping it back in her bag. ‘You know what? I’m on silent, girls. Radio silence. He can fend for himself for a bit! You sticking to tea, Emily?’ she asked, finding teabags and dropping one into a mug when Emily nodded.

  Amanda got out wine and glasses, filling up a glass each for Jess and Lolly.

  ‘Let’s go into the lounge, I’ll get the fire on.’ Amanda knelt before the open fire, making a teepee out of sticks and paper, before shoving a load of firelighters in the base and holding a flame to them.

  ‘So, ladies, I propose a toast,’ she said as the teepee began raging behind her. ‘Here’s to old friends.’ The girls clinked, murmured and drank, then fell silent.

  It was Emily who broke it. ‘So, Jess, what’s going on? Why do you look like your world has crashed around you?’

  Jess squirmed. ‘I don’t think I want to talk about it, about him.’

  ‘Come on!’ said Amanda, ‘this is us. You can talk to us about anything. She knew him years back, Em. After you’d gone, before she went off travelling. What were we? Seventeen?’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Lolly. ‘Seventeen, eighteen. He was gorgeous and SO into you.’

  Jess let out a groan. She buried her head in her hands before peeking through her hair to see the three of them, patiently waiting. ‘Gah! It was a lifetime ago. It’s in the past. It’s stupid.’

  ‘What’s stupid?’ asked Emily.