Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship

by Mansell, Anna

  Five. Four. Three. This was it. Two. She reached for the test. One. She closed her eyes, blinking away the salty tears invited by anticipation. And she looked. And she looked harder. And she checked her watch. And she looked again and she scrutinised the test for the faintest of marks because she knew it was early but it had to be there. And she remembered when she was pregnant with Stan how it had been such a surprise because she was sure the test couldn’t have picked it up straight away and yet it had. It had. Just a faint line. The subtlest indication. So why wasn’t it there this time? She waited longer. She bit down hard on her bottom lip. She checked again and she checked and she held it up to a different light, shone her phone light on it. But it wasn’t there. And it felt like a sucker punch. Like something had whipped her of breath. It was like a ton of bricks landed on her hopes and dreams and she barely had the strength to stand.

  The next time she looked at her watch, ten minutes had passed quicker than the two that spelled her heartbreak. She took a deep breath, she had work to do. She had patients that relied on her, colleagues who would wonder where she’d been for the last nearly two hours. She’d tell them she had come over unwell, she’d say something to explain away the redness in her eyes and the shake of her hand. And later, she’d try again. Just in case.

  Except this time, she felt empty. And numb. From pregnant to barren in a matter of minutes. The pain never getting easier.

  By the time Lolly got home, she was on her knees. She’d spent so many hours being the most upbeat version of herself, she was exhausted. Beth had asked if she was okay when she got back into the office and Lolly felt bad that she’d shrugged her off then whipped out to an appointment but needs must.

  She had hoped that when she got back, Kitt might be home, since there was no need for him to keep up the pretence of a job any more. Her mother-in-law, singing along to Radio Two, was the only indication she needed to know he’d not picked the kids up and her heart dropped because the only person she wanted to see now, needed to see in fact, was him. She wanted to cry with him, she wanted him to tell her how he was. She wanted them to share their disappointments of the day and relax into one another’s arms, knowing that tomorrow, things might be different. For him at least.

  ‘Hi, Jean, you okay?’

  ‘Yeah, fine. You? Good day?’

  Lolly hung up her coat, checking her face in the mirror in the downstairs loo. ‘Yeah. Fine thanks. Same old. Where’s Kitt?’ she asked as innocently as she could muster.

  ‘Oh, he called. Said he’d got caught up at the office and would be home late. Something about a big meeting or a new client. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.’

  Home late? It didn’t make sense. How could he be home late if he didn’t have a job?

  Jean pottered about the kitchen, putting pots away and generally tidying up from the boys’ tea.

  ‘Don’t worry about that, I’ll sort it. You get yourself off.’ Lolly nestled her phone between ear and shoulder as she took a pile of plates from her, waiting for the line to connect.

  ‘Did he say how late?’

  ‘No, just late, and I didn’t ask. Sorry,’ said Jean, taking off the apron she always put on when she arrived to help out. It matched the slippers she kept in the hallway.

  Lolly smiled, shoving the plates into the cupboard, wondering how he could lie so easily when he no longer had to. Then she realised, he probably didn’t want his mum to know yet. She’d only worry or offer to give them money. She tended to worry. He wouldn’t want that. ‘Hmmm, bless him.’

  ‘You two both work so hard,’ said Jean.

  Lolly half-heartedly agreed whilst reaching for Jean’s coat and bag. ‘Go on, you go. Thank you for getting the boys. I’ll take over. Think I’m gonna put them in the bath and then have one myself.’

  ‘I can stay longer, help with that. You look shattered, sweetie.’

  Lolly let Jean pause with hand cupped to her cheek. It felt like the hand of a mother supporting her child and yet Lolly could never totally let herself relax into it. Jean had asked her to call her Mum, back when she and Kitt first got engaged. Lolly had agreed, and yet somehow it never felt right. It never stuck. She loved Jean, wholeheartedly, but she wasn’t Mum. Which was a shame, because today, Lolly felt like she needed her more than ever. And yet… ‘No, no. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. You go.’

  The door closed and the house fell almost silent, with the exception of the muffled sound of the TV coming from the lounge. The boys would be transfixed, glassy eyed over CBeebies no doubt. She should go in, she should gather them up and be grateful for them. There were women all across the world who would give anything and everything to have these boys, and as her guilt piqued, she looked to her handbag where the remainder test was tucked away.

  It was gone nine before Kitt got home. Lolly had fallen asleep in their bedroom watching Real Housewives, anything trivial to help her forget the fact that tonight’s tests had also been negative. He smelled of beer and fags and something she couldn’t put her finger on. And as he fumbled out of his clothes and into the shower, Lolly realised how desperate he must feel and vowed not to make what was left of their evening all about her. They had each other, and that was something she was grateful for.

  Emily

  ‘Oh my god, Emily, your house is so gorgeous!’ said Jess, peering around the hallway into the lounge and over to the kitchen.

  Emily looked around, trying to use the fresh eyes that Jess had, realising all over again how much she loved her home. ‘Thank you. I do love it here.’

  ‘It’s so peaceful,’ said Amanda. ‘Like, in Truro it’s all cars and buses and gulls and people and here it’s…’ as if on cue, one of the sheep from the back field declared its presence ‘… sheep! Like, who has sheep in their back garden?’

  ‘Come on, come in. Who’s driven?’

  ‘Me,’ announced Amanda, putting her keys on the side. ‘I’ll have a tea, please.’

  ‘Cool.’ Emily flicked on the kettle. ‘Jess? Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?’

  ‘Gin. Do you have any gin? I could really go a gin.’

  Emily reached to the back of one of the cupboards to pull out a half bottle of gin she’d left behind the last time she visited. ‘Does it go off?’ she asked the girls, sniffing the bottle. ‘It smells okay!’ she said, offering it up for Jess to sniff. She didn’t pull a face so that was a good start, until Emily realised she had no tonic. ‘I could go down the shop for you?’

  ‘No, no! Don’t be silly. Let’s open this wine I brought instead. I should have brought my own if I’d wanted it so badly.’ Emily felt bad as Jess opened the bottle, pouring into the glass she’d passed her. ‘You drinking?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh no. Not today.’

  ‘Not today? It’s Friday! What better day for a cheeky, ice cold, Sauvignon Blanc.’

  Emily felt bad. She was keeping this from them and it seemed silly, she should just tell them. She also really wanted a cheeky Sauvignon Blanc. Would one hurt?

  ‘Well, I shall pour it and leave it there, just in case you wish to join in.’

  ‘Thanks. Come on, let’s sit through here.’

  The girls followed, each dropping into one of the three feather filled sofas that surrounded a small coffee table. ‘Oh my god, Emily… is that…?’ On the coffee table, the photo of all four of them sat in a gilt frame, the image slightly faded in colour with age. ‘I can’t believe you’ve got this photo!’

  ‘It was always on my bedside, after we moved.’ The girls stared at her. ‘I missed you!’ she admitted.

  Amanda stared at the picture, Jess sat back in the chair, crossing her arms.

  ‘Why did you have to go?’ moaned Amanda. ‘It was never the same without you, was it, Jess?’

  ‘No, no. It wasn’t,’ said Jess, quietly.

  ‘It was Dad, he just uprooted us all. I don’t know, something to do with work. It all happened so quickly.’

  ‘You’re telling us! Do you remember, Jess?
Emily had that big party, didn’t she? For her sixteenth. Jesus, I got so drunk that night.’

  ‘Were you the one to raid Dad’s drinks cabinet?’

  ‘Yes! Yes I was. Well, me and Jess, isn’t that right?’

  Jess nodded.

  ‘Oh my god, I got into so much trouble for that.’

  ‘It was hilarious. We hid out in the garden, necking a bottle of some kind of whiskey, don’t remember what, never touched the stuff since. I think I passed out. Jess, you just disappeared.’

  ‘We should focus on what we came here for,’ said Jess, suddenly.

  ‘I always thought there was a bit of a story there, you disappearing. It was long before you met Jay, wasn’t it, so couldn’t have had anything to do with him. And after Martin whatshisface, so not him. Who dragged you away from me that night, Jessica Morton? Huh? When I was shitfaced in a garden. I’m sure I was sick in the daffodils, you could have saved me from it. Instead of doing whatever you were doing—’

  ‘For god’s sake, Amanda! Not now,’ Jess shouted. She adjusted herself on the chair. ‘We’ve got things to sort,’ she finished and Emily wondered why her hands shook.

  Amanda stared and Emily’s heart raced. Did they know about the baby? And if so, why would they make a deal of it like this? Jess looked distressed, Amanda folded her arms.

  ‘Sorry, but please,’ said Jess. ‘Let’s just talk about Lolly.’

  Emily breathed out, relief washing over her. ‘What about Lolly?’ she asked.

  ‘Well…’ Amanda placed the photo back on the table, leaning forward, her elbows resting on her knees. ‘It’s complicated.’

  Emily stared at them both. ‘What is?’ she asked. ‘What’s going on?’ She tucked her feet deeper into the cushions beside her, nerves jangling with the awkward energy in the air.

  Jess adjusted herself, almost as if regaining composure after her outburst, but she looked hurt, and suddenly vulnerable. ‘Sorry, Amanda, that wasn’t called for. Sorry.’

  ‘It’s okay. Look, we’re both worried. It’s fine.’ Amanda didn’t look fine.

  ‘Shall I?’ asked Jess, sheepishly. Amanda nodded. ‘Okay,’ began Jess. ‘Amanda and I have reason to believe that Kitt may not be telling Lolly the truth about a few things.’

  ‘Right…’

  ‘And we’re not sure how best to tackle it all. Like… we’ve only just all got back together and it would be awful to lose her now.’

  ‘So, maybe we don’t get involved,’ said Emily. It seemed quite simple to her, she hated how people always seemed to want to stick their oar in things and was quite surprised that either Jess or Amanda were inclined to do so. Besides, looking at the pair of them, it seemed there might be more pressing matters to talk about. Something wasn’t right. ‘There’s nothing worse than people sticking their oar into stuff that’s not their business. We should just be there for Lolly if things implode, after all, it’s nothing to do with us,’ she reasoned.

  There was a pause. ‘Except it kind of is,’ said Amanda, carefully. Emily looked at her, she put her mug down and fidgeted with her clothes. ‘Christ, I wish I’d had a drink now,’ she said.

  When Amanda finished talking, Emily wasn’t quite sure what to say. No matter which way Amanda framed it, Emily felt that she was the kind of woman who slept with other people’s boyfriends and husbands. And even if they weren’t with anyone, she was the kind of woman who took money for sex and everything about that sat awkwardly for Emily. Weren’t the men taking advantage? Did it perpetuate the imbalance between men and women? Surely things like this took objectification to a whole new level. Emily wasn’t sure where to begin, or whether to, in fact. Because she loved Amanda, she always had. It seemed so odd to imagine feeling about her any other way, and yet she couldn’t help but look at her differently. ‘So,’ began Emily, uncertainly. ‘Are you still seeing him?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course not!’ said Amanda, clearly shocked. ‘Blimey, Emily, what do you take me for?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know how these things work…’

  ‘Neither do I, that’s why I’m here. To try and work out what we do about it.’

  ‘What we do?’ asked Emily. ‘We aren’t sleeping with Lolly’s husband.’

  ‘Neither am I, now. As soon as I realised, I have tried to distance myself from him, despite the texts and calls he’s made because he’s so bloody scared that I’ll say something and land him in it.’

  ‘So why don’t you?’

  ‘Because I can’t bear the idea of hurting Lolly.’

  ‘But she needs to know, right?’ said Emily.

  ‘Of course she does,’ agreed Amanda.

  ‘Oh, and he’s told her he lost his job and has been hiding the fact from her but he is still totally and utterly employed,’ finished Jess.

  ‘He’s saying he’s been made redundant?’ Emily shook her head in disbelief.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But he’s not?’

  ‘Well, the last time I saw him he was very much still working. There was no hint that he was about to lose his job. I mean, normally people lie about having a job when they haven’t got one, not the other way around. What’s it all about?’

  A knock at the door interrupted them and both Emily and Jess practically jumped out of their skin. Emily looked up towards the door, confused. She wasn’t expecting anyone. ‘Give me a minute.’ She peered through the window by the door to see Mac throw her a wave. ‘Oh! Hi!’ she said, pulling the door open.

  ‘Mum said I was to swing by when I got the chance, something about a price for some work. Look, I don’t mind if you want to go elsewhere, I know she can be a bit forthright with things like that.’

  ‘Oh no, it’s fine. Come in. Sorry, I’ve got some friends here.’

  Mac stood awkwardly in the hallway, smiling.

  ‘Come through, come through. This is Amanda, and this is Jess.’

  ‘Jess, yes. We met the other day? In Truro? You were with Emily when I bumped into her.’

  ‘Yes, hi!’ Jess jumped to shake his hand then realised Amanda had stayed in her seat and she sort of hovered with a wave. Mac let out a weird sort of laugh and waved at her again.

  ‘Girls, will you give me a minute. I know Mac sometimes disappears on the boats so if I can just show him what I want, I can leave him to price it up before he heads off again.’

  ‘You’re a fisherman?’ said Jess.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘And builder… presumably,’ said Amanda.

  ‘Yeah, And I have been known to do a bit of gardening too.’

  ‘Jack of all trades,’ said Amanda.

  ‘Master of none.’ Mac smiled, he seemed to try and focus on all three but Emily couldn’t help notice he generally focussed on Jess. He seemed nervous, almost shy. Nothing like how he’d been the last few times she’d seen him. Jess dropped back into her chair, picking up a magazine from the rack beside her.

  ‘This way,’ said Emily, heading upstairs.

  Mac nodded a smile in the girls’ direction and followed her up the stairs.

  Jess

  Jess’s heart continued to race. Talking about Lolly hadn’t quite consumed the flashbacks and her hands shook. Could she ever tell them the truth? Should she, even? What if it was a catalyst for something else, like the real end of their friendship? What if speaking up meant she never saw these girls again? They were the reason she’d found a strength to take stock of her life, she didn’t want to compromise that, and yet… she was in Emily’s house. Withholding the truth.

  ‘Would,’ said Amanda, staring at the space Mac had briefly stood in.

  ‘Would what?’ asked Jess, distractedly.

  ‘Him. I would.’

  She had a look on her face that made Jess realise she was talking about sex and she couldn’t help but colour up a little. ‘He seems nice,’ she agreed.

  ‘Nice? Is that all you can say? Christ, has Jay completely drained you of wanton lust?’

  ‘Give it up!’ said Jess, in n
o mood to feign lusting.

  ‘Anyway, what was that all about?’

  ‘What?’ Jess didn’t want to do this, not here, not now.

  ‘Just now, you went weird. What did I say?’

  ‘It’s nothing.’

  ‘Jess, it doesn’t look like nothing. It doesn’t feel like nothing. If I upset you, I am so sorry, please know I wouldn’t do that on purpose.’

  ‘I know. I know you wouldn’t.’

  ‘So what’s the matter?’

  Jess looked at Amanda. She looked around Emily’s lounge. ‘It’s nothing I want to talk about, okay? I mean it.’ Jess looked at Amanda and hoped she got the urgency. She was going to have to deal with this at some point, somehow, but now wasn’t the time. And she knew for certain that she wasn’t protecting anybody but herself, this time. Just like she always should have.