Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  No matter how she pretended it wasn’t true, she feared the future. She especially feared being alone, but it was fairly certain that’s how she’d wind up if something in her life didn’t change.

  “I don’t want to be alone, Lord,” she said softly to the emptiness around her. “But I don’t know how not to be. I’m afraid to be among a lot of people. Sure, I can talk to Ottie, but I get tongue-tied and never know what to say when I’m with people my own age, so nobody wants to be with me very long. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be outgoing like Sharris and Marna?”

  The doorbell startled her out of her thoughts.

  On the other side of the door stood Suzi, holding the hand of her Uncle John. “Mommy’s taking a nap,” she said the minute Taryn opened the door, “and Uncle John and me are bored. Since it’s still warm, we thought….”

  Oh, please…not the bicycles!

  “….we’d like to take a walk and wondered if you’d like to come, too.”

  It was all she could do to keep from sighing with relief. With a smile she told them she’d love to go for a walk and went to retrieve her jacket.

  Except for the excessive chatter of Suzi, they started out in mostly silence. Whatever was in John’s heart was a mystery as he stared straight ahead of him. Was he hearing anything Suzi was saying? He seemed to be a million miles away. Maybe back in California? Had he left something there that might be very important to him? Something or someone?

  Not realizing she was so intent in wondering about John’s thoughts that she wasn’t listening to Suzi either, she was surprised when Suzi nudged her side and spoke her name loudly.

  “Taryn, I’m waiting for your answer? Are you interested or not? What about you, Uncle John? Boy, you two look like you’re in another world or something. Are you together there or separate?” She laughed.

  Taryn did, too, as well as John. “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I guess I have a lot of things on my mind. What did you want to know if I’m interested in?”

  “The Valentine’s Day party at school. My class is doing a little skit, just a little fun thing the teacher made up, and all the parents are invited. We’ll have cookies and drinks afterward. Problem is, Mommy has to work that day and Daddy won’t be here, and I don’t want to be the only kid in the class that’s all by myself. Would you and Uncle John come? Please.”

  Taryn and John exchanged glances. Her eyes were quizzical and he shrugged his shoulders.

  “I’ll tell you what,” he said then. “If I’m still here, I’ll go to your party. I hope Taryn will go, too.”

  Did he really hope that or was he just saying it to make both her and Suzi feel good? Taryn hated the thoughts that always popped into her head. “I’ll come, Suzi.” How could she turn her down? “If your uncle isn’t here, I’ll come by myself. Okay?”

  Suzi looked at Taryn and then John. “But if Uncle John is still here, you will come together. Right?”

  “Sure,” they said in unison and then laughed.

  “Well, I’m glad that’s settled,” Suzi said, “but I want to know, Uncle John, why you think you might not be here then? Where are you going?”

  “For one thing, I’ve got to go to Asheville to see your Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “All you have to do is call them and they’ll come here. I’ve heard Mommy telling you that a lot of times. So why don’t you? If you don’t want them to come here, why do you want to go there?”

  Taryn noticed John swallowing and looking straight ahead, as if he were uncomfortable all of a sudden. She had no idea he was avoiding seeing his parents, until Suzi blurted it out. Why would he do that? She would give anything in the world to see her mother and dad again.

  Suzi continued. “You aren’t thinking of going back to California, are you? I don’t want you to leave. I never knew you before, but now that I do, I like you and I want to get to know you better, and I’ll never see you if go that far away again.”

  He finally spoke. “I’m not going back to California, but I can’t stay here forever.”

  “Why not?”

  He grinned. “You’d get tired of me, believe me.”

  “I would not.”

  Taryn looked at John and he met her gaze. When they smiled at each other, she felt that smile the entire way to her heart. It was a pleasant feeling. She liked it.

  Suzi kept talking, but once again, Taryn stopped listening. If only she could carry on a conversation the way this little girl was doing. Suzi said exactly what she was thinking, but for some reason, it always seemed to be exactly the right thing. She reminded herself that Suzi was only ten years old.

  What had she been like when she was ten? Was she always as reserved and self-conscious as she was now? For some reason, she didn’t think so. She wasn’t exactly sure when her personality had changed. Perhaps when her parents died so suddenly and tragically? But that was only three years ago. She may not be able to remember herself at ten, but she should be able to remember what she was like three years ago.

  She didn’t notice when a silence occurred, until John spoke.

  “I have a job, Taryn.”

  He was speaking directly to her. For once, he and Suzi weren’t the only ones involved in the conversation. She looked at him and smiled. “Oh?”

  “It’s not something permanent, but might tide me over for a while. I talked to Lane Monroe a few minutes before we left church. He’s wanting a lot of landscaping done around his house and that’s something I can do and do well. He even has some of his own equipment, so I don’t have to worry about that. Looks like the Lord sent me to church this morning for more reasons than one.” He grinned.

  “Do you like that kind of work?”

  “I used to, but I’ve had something else on my mind lately.”

  Something else? She waited.

  “It’s something I don’t even want to think about, though. I don’t see how I could possibly do it.”

  “Do what?” Suzi quizzed.

  Taryn’s thoughts exactly.

  “I don’t even know if I should be talking about it.”

  They waited.

  He didn’t answer, but instead started walking a little faster. “It’s getting cooler. Maybe we should be getting back to the house.”

  The conversation was over. Not even Suzi had anything to say about her uncle’s mysterious words that raised a question he refused to answer.

  ∞ SEVEN ∞

  “I WONDER WHY Pastor Tom was at Josie’s house,” Sharris commented the next morning at breakfast. “I saw his car in their driveway last night.”

  Taryn shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe he wants to invite them all back to church, since yesterday was their first time there.”

  “Probably. What do you think of John?”

  “He seems nice. He doesn’t have a lot to say.”

  “Just like you. Maybe the two of you will get together.”

  Taryn didn’t answer, but ate the last bite of cereal in her bowl instead.

  “I could swear he’s starting to gain a little weight already,” Sharris continued. “Lord knows, he needs it. But he’s kind of cute, don’t you think?”

  “What do you think?”

  “That doesn’t matter. He’s the perfect man for you.”

  “Why in the world would you think that?”

  “I don’t know. Just a feeling, I guess.”

  “You never get feelings without a reason for them.”

  Sharris laughed. “You like him, don’t you? Why else would you go walk a mile with him when you hate to walk?”

  Taryn was saved from answering by the ringing of her phone. When she looked at the caller ID, she smiled. “It’s Marna.” Answering immediately, she stood up and walked out of the room to have a long conversation with her other sister.

  She heard Sharris muttering something or other and then saying she had some errands to do. A few minutes later, the door opened and closed and she heard Sharris’ car pulling out of the driveway.

  N
o sooner had Taryn hung up the phone, a whole hour later, than the doorbell rang. She smiled. At least she looked presentable enough to greet whoever was on the other side of the door this time. Even if it was just a salesman. Since she had to do some grocery shopping, she'd taken time to fix her hair and even applied a little make up. She’d even found a more flattering outfit than her usual jogging suit. It had been exciting when she’d tried on her best denim skirt and discovered it still fit. Of course, it had elastic in the back, but the flat front made it look nice with the black shirt she tucked into it. Maybe she should start looking around for more outfits that made her look a little slimmer.

  She wasn’t expecting to see John.

  He smiled at her sheepishly. “I really hate to have to do this, Taryn, but I need a favor.”

  “What is it?” She smiled in return.

  “I have an appointment that I really don’t want to miss, but my truck won’t start.”

  She waited.

  “I know what’s wrong with it. I mean, I know that truck inside and out. If I hadn’t had to take so much time fixing it while I was trying to get here from California, I’d have been here a week sooner.” He grinned. “But that’s all beside the point. Would it be a great inconvenience to ask you to drive me to my appointment and the auto parts store? I really hate to ask, but Josie’s at work and…..”

  “It’s okay, John. I’d be happy to take you. Where is your appointment?”

  He told her.

  She knew the place, although it surprised her that he was going there. It was a small, private office, owned by her church, in the middle of the downtown shopping center. She wasn’t sure what they did there because she’d never been inquisitive enough to try to find out. She just knew it had something to do with the church. Pushing aside the thought, she smiled. “That’s unbelievable. It’s right close to the grocery store. I can let you off, get my groceries and then pick you up again.”

  “That sounds terrific. I really appreciate this, Taryn.”

  He didn’t have much to say during the drive. She wished he would have. It would have made her a little less nervous. This was the first time she could remember having a good looking man in the passenger seat of her car.

  He was good looking. She remembered the comment Sharris had made, that he looked like he was already starting to gain some weight. Whether or not it was true, it seemed like the more she saw him, the better he looked.

  What in the world was she thinking? Thank goodness he couldn’t read her mind. What was wrong with her?

  She was glad when she reached his destination and he got out of the car and quickly disappeared from sight. Just the same, it was hard to concentrate on buying groceries and she wound up with only half the things that were on the list. She couldn’t take up too much time. What if he finished quicker than he thought and had to stand there waiting for her?

  He didn’t, and she wound up waiting for him.

  He was all smiles when he approached the car from a different direction than the church office. “I hope you didn’t have to wait too long. You weren’t here when I was finished so I walked on over to the auto parts store and got the part I needed.” He placed the small box he was carrying onto the back seat and climbed in front, then looked at her and smiled. “I have a good feeling about this.”

  She waited for him to continue, wondering if he was referring to his appointment or fixing his truck.

  “Remember when we were walking yesterday and I said there was something on my mind that I wanted to do, besides construction?”

  She nodded.

  “I called your pastor last night and he was kind enough to come by and see me.” He paused. “We had a long talk. Taryn, I haven’t always lived a good life……”

  “No one has,” she couldn’t help saying. “We’re all human.”

  “But some of us are more human than others. Some of us are – too human.” He paused and then continued. “I’ve only been a Christian for a few months, but they’ve been the happiest months of my life. I was so liberated when the Lord accepted me, despite all the things I’d done, and all I could think was that I wanted to find some way to give some of my newfound happiness back to Him.”

  Although she pulled slowly out of the parking lot, her heart was racing. He was excited about something and she couldn’t wait to find out what it was.

  “When I told Pastor Tom that I was a brand new Christian and that I wanted to do something but had no idea what it might be, he mentioned a program the church has. It’s an in-depth course on learning to read and fully understand the Bible. He thought that would be a great place to start and set up this appointment for me to talk to Jim, the instructor. He said I needed to meet him in person and tell him about myself, as well as to see if there was an opening in the new class starting next week. It was a lot more involved than just registering for a course.” He grinned. “Anyway, there was an opening and I’m in and I’m very excited about it.”

  It was the most she’d ever heard him say and she couldn’t keep from smiling over his excitement. “That sounds like a course everybody needs to take.”

  “But everybody isn’t being called to go into the ministry.”

  Her eyes widened. He wanted to become a preacher!

  “I still have a lot of praying to do, to make sure this is truly where God’s leading me, and I feel like learning more about the Bible is the perfect place to start.” He paused and then continued. “You know, you’re the first person I’ve mentioned this to, other than Pastor Tom and Jim. Please don’t say anything to Josie or Suzi until I have a chance to talk to them.”

  “I won’t say anything, but you probably better tell Suzi right away before she guesses it all by herself.” She thought of what Suzi had told her, about how her Uncle John sure talked about God a lot.

  He laughed. “She’s something else, isn’t she? I regret missing so many years of her life. I hope to make it up to her, and myself, in the future. I never want to go away again – unless I have no choice.”

  Why wouldn’t he have a choice? “We make our own choices.”

  He sighed. “Yes, we do, and too many times they’re the wrong ones.”

  “But we learn from them. That’s what’s important.”

  “But what hurts is when we don’t learn anything until it’s too late.”

  ∞ EIGHT ∞

  “MOM AND DAD are coming to visit. They’ll be here Thursday and will probably stay for the week end.” Josie looked at her brother, waiting for his reaction, as they sat side by side on the sofa Tuesday evening.

  “Okay. I really am anxious to see them, Josie. I know you’re wondering why I’ve kept putting off even letting them know I’m here, but it’s not something I can talk about until the time is right.”

  “When will the time be right? Are you in trouble?”

  “That depends on how you define trouble.”

  Her eyes widened fearfully. “What are you saying, that you really are in trouble? You know Ted and I – and Mom and Dad, too – will do anything in our power to help you.”

  He smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I know that, but the only one with the power to do anything is the Lord, and for some reason I don’t understand, it doesn’t seem to be time yet for Him to act.”

  “You’re scaring me, you know.”

  Reaching over, he put his arm around her and gave her a hug, then let go again. “Please don’t be scared. My problem has nothing to do with anything illegal or underhanded that might result in prison time. I promise.”

  “But you won’t tell me what it is, even though you know how much I love you and how I’ll worry all the more by not knowing than knowing.”

  “It’s a long story, sis. Maybe – I’ll tell you and Mom and Dad at the same time.” He paused for a moment. “Did you call and tell them I’m here? Is that why they’re coming?”

  “I call them all the time, just to talk to them. But I didn’t say a word about you being here. I’d rather pretend you ju
st popped in, unexpectedly, a few hours before they arrived. It wouldn’t hurt them as much as knowing you’ve already been here two weeks.”

  He didn’t answer and for a long time there was silence.

  “John?”

  He met her eyes.

  “You aren’t sick, are you?”

  “I’m healthy as a horse, I promise you.”

  “You’re so thin and you slept for over twenty-four hours when you first got here.”

  “I was exhausted. I was on the road for two weeks, thanks to my truck breaking down over and over. I’m all right now, and I feel like I’m gaining weight.” He chuckled. “If I keep it up, I’ll have to buy all new clothes and that takes money.”

  “You said you’re going to work for Lane Monroe.”

  “But only until the job’s done. Seriously, I’m not worried about it. God has something in mind for me, I know He does.”

  Another silence before Josie spoke again. “Did you get your truck fixed?”

  “I did. It’s good as new.” He winked at her.

  “As a new twenty-year old vehicle, you mean?”

  “How come a twenty-year person is considered young but a twenty-year old truck is old as the hills?” He grinned.

  She laughed. “Good question. We’ll have to ask Suzi about it. She seems to have all the answers.”

  “Where is she anyway?”

  “With Taryn. She needed some help with her math homework and I was busy getting supper, so she said she’d get Taryn to help her.”

  “Where was I? I’m a whiz at math.”

  “You were working on your truck.”

  “My old truck?”

  “One and the same.”

  They laughed together, just as Suzi came running into the room. “Boy, I tell you, Taryn is the smartest person I know!” Even though there wasn’t enough room for her to sit between her mother and uncle, she squeezed in anyway.

  They each moved over.

  Suzi looked at John. “Uncle John, do you know that Taryn isn’t married and she doesn’t even have a boyfriend?”