They’d talked as Dixie got ready for bed. Then Holly had tucked her daughter in, kissing her cheek and praying with her for the first time since that morning they’d given her to Becky. After tucking her in, Holly had stepped into the hall, closing the door behind her, and cried until she was dry.
This morning they would have real conversations about their lives, about the past and the future.
“Good morning,” she said, pasting on a smile as Dixie came through the door, Opal’s calico cat in her arms.
“Hi.” Dixie became shy, burying her face in the neck of the cat. The ornery feline growled, then tried to escape. Dixie let her go. “She’s not very friendly.”
“She can be very moody. How did you sleep?”
Dixie shrugged. “I guess okay. There’s a train somewhere.”
“It’s several miles away but on a clear night you can hear it like it’s next door.”
“Yeah, it was loud. Tulsa is loud, too. But it’s a different loud. How did you sleep?” Dixie asked in return.
“I guess okay.” They smiled at each other. “Pancakes?”
“Uh, no, thank you. I don’t like them.”
Holly looked at the griddle and the four pancakes. “I’m so sorry, next time I’ll ask first.”
“You can still eat them,” Dixie offered.
“I don’t like them, either.” Holly laughed at the realization. “I just thought you might. But I also made bacon.”
“We could have toast and bacon?” Dixie suggested.
“Good idea.” Holly dropped some bread in the toaster.
“Where’s Opal, I mean, my grandmother?” Dixie went after the cat, forgetting the near scratch that had caused her to let the animal free. “So odd. I don’t know what to call everyone.”
“I want you to call us whatever feels comfortable. You’re in charge here, Dixie. At least as far as how we progress and what you choose to call us.”
“You want me to stay here, don’t you?” Dixie grabbed a slice of toast and a knife to spread peanut butter. “Can I have coffee?”
“Do you usually drink coffee?”
Dixie grinned. “Nope, but I thought I’d try.”
“If you want to try coffee, you may.” Holly couldn’t ignore the very serious question her daughter had asked. “And yes, I want you to stay here. I want you more than you could ever realize.”
“But you didn’t. Once.” Hurt fueled the words making them painful to hear.
“I wanted you then. I want you now.” She hooked her daughter’s chin with her finger and turned her head so they were facing each other. “I have missed you every single day for eleven years. Giving you up was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. But I wanted you to have everything. I knew what bringing you here would mean for you. I was only nineteen, and I knew I wasn’t ready to be a single mom. And Colt...”
She wasn’t going to condemn him now, to their child. He needed to be her dad, her hero. He would have to earn it, but he deserved the opportunity.
Holly drew in a breath and continued. “Colt and I were a mess. We knew that Becky could give you love, stability, security. I knew in my heart that she was the best person to raise you.”
Dixie took a bite of her toast. “So now you think you’re ready to be a parent?” One dark brow arched.
“I don’t know if anyone is ever really ready to be a parent.”
“But you want me to stay here? With you?”
“I do. I really do.” Holly meant it with all her heart, a heart that had been broken and still seemed to be missing pieces. And yet suddenly it felt more whole than ever before.
“I don’t know what I want,” Dixie said as she reached for the cup of coffee Holly had fixed for her. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings. It’s just my mom said to always be honest. Honesty builds understanding.”
“I’m glad that’s what she taught you.” But it hurt, so much, to hear Dixie call someone else Mom. Holly swallowed the pain, forcing a smile. “Let’s do something fun today. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken a Saturday off.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Find kittens,” Opal said as she entered the room. She wore a housedress and was carrying a suitcase.
“Mom, what are you doing?”
Opal blinked and looked around. “I’m not sure. I thought I was going to the store.”
“No, I’ll go to the store.”
Opal narrowed her eyes and studied Dixie. “Shouldn’t Holly be in school?”
“I’m not Holly,” Dixie blurted. “And I do need to be in school. But not today. Today is Saturday.”
“Is it Saturday?” Opal sat her suitcase down. “Carson is coming to get me on Saturday.”
“Mom, why would Carson be coming to get you?”
Opal was already sidetracked. Her attention turned to Dixie’s hair. She smelled the dark tresses before lifting strands in her fingers. “You have the prettiest flowers.”
Dixie’s eyes widened. “Will she pull my hair?” she asked Holly.
Holly shook her head. “No, she won’t. She meant hair, not flowers. Mom, sit down and I’ll fix you breakfast. I have pancakes ready.”
“Okay.” But Opal stood in the center of the room, as if she wasn’t sure which direction to turn.
Dixie took another sip of coffee, then she reached for Opal’s hand. “Come on, Grandma Opal.”
Holly watched Dixie lead her mother to the kitchen table. She should be doing that. The last thing she wanted was for her daughter to follow in her footsteps, taking on the role of caretaker. Holly had been Opal’s caretaker for longer than she could remember.
Exhaustion hit her, suddenly draining her energy. She’d been going too long without real days off, always worrying about Opal because she knew it wasn’t safe for her mother to be alone. On good days she took Opal to the café and gave her the job of rolling the flatware in napkins. Sometimes she gave her some dough to knead.
She knew, the way her mother knew, that it was reaching a time when they wouldn’t be able to continue the charade that everything was fine. Pasting on a smile, she fixed her mother a plate and took it to the table. Opal smiled up at her as she cut the pancakes into bite-size pieces.
As Opal ate, Dixie and Holly sat at the table, sipping coffee and talking about their lives. Holly discussed the easy stuff, not the hard stuff like spending a large part of her life caring for her mom, nor the embarrassing stuff like being allowed to wear a unicorn costume for school pictures, or the painful stuff like not knowing her dad or having to take care of a mother who struggled with sobriety.
Dixie talked about growing up in Broken Arrow, the large school she attended, her friends. And Daisy. It pained Holly to hear her daughter talk about the affection she felt for Colt’s sister, Daisy, the woman who had been like a big sister but who had really been her aunt.
“I didn’t know she was my aunt until...” Dixie bit down on her bottom lip. “Until my mom died. I should have known because our eyes are the same color.”
“I’m sorry you didn’t know.”
Dixie shrugged. “It’s okay, I guess. I mean, all of this is kind of weird.”
“Yeah, kind of weird,” Holly agreed.
After breakfast they cleaned up and then went outside to do what Opal suggested, search for kittens. Later they put away Dixie’s clothes and the few trinkets she’d brought from home.
“I miss my stuff.” She looked around the room. “It’s a nice room but it doesn’t feel like mine. Daisy has all my stuff.”
“Well, if there’s something you need, I can get it for you. Or if you want Daisy to send some of your things...”
Dixie shook her head. “No, that’s okay. Right now I have enough.”
They shared a look, both knowing what was left unsaid.
For a couple
of months they were pretending to be the family they might have been. That meant Colt, front and center in Holly’s life, filling a space he might have filled if...
If he hadn’t cheated. If she’d known how to be the second half of a couple. If the two of them had made better choices.
Always if.
* * *
Colt didn’t knock on the front door when he got to Holly’s. He knew she’d stop him if he told her his plan. He parked his truck near the barn, got the Weed Eeater out of the back and headed for the fence row. The entire place needed attention, but he knew that this was a good place to start.
After he’d done a large section of the fence and was physically regretting it, he felt someone punching his arm.
He nearly swung the weed trimmer in her direction. “What are you doing sneaking up on me like that? That’s a good way to get hurt.”
She punched his arm a second time. “Yeah, well, this is a good way to get hurt, too. You do not have to do this. Actually, I don’t want you to do this.”
“It needs doing and you can’t do everything. I mean, you can but not without wearing yourself into the ground.”
“I do what needs to be done.”
“I know you do.”
She crossed her arms. “I’m not marrying you.”
That took the wind out of his sails. “You already told me, but thanks for the reminder.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just...we don’t have to pretend to be a couple, with you taking care of things for me around the house.”
“I’m not.”
She gave him a look.
“I’m not trying to force my way into your life or prove something to you,” he said, wanting her to get it. “I want you to trust me. I want to be here, to be involved. She’s our daughter. You’re the mother of our daughter.”
He wanted to be here. He’d never wanted to be anywhere, not really. Except when he was on the road, rescuing bull riders, sometimes playing the clown. He’d been running from his life for longer than he could remember. This had brought him to a stop, making him realize all the areas of his life that felt empty.
“She might not even want us.” Her eyes watered and she dashed a hand across her cheeks. “I appreciate that you’re willing to marry me in order to keep her, but she might pick Daisy, and then where would we be?”
“Married,” he said without a smile, because in her current mood a smile might send her over the edge.
“Married and regretting a hasty decision.”
“Ouch, that’s kind of harsh.”
“It’s the truth and you know it.” She exhaled but her gaze softened and she reached for his hand. “Oh, Colt, don’t pretend you’re suddenly a domesticated version of your former self. You’re a bullfighter by trade and you spend a big portion of your year on the road. Are you suddenly going to quit your job?”
He hadn’t given it a lot of thought. The doctor would okay him returning to work in six weeks. He hadn’t planned anything beyond that.
She cocked her head and studied him. “Your silence speaks volumes. You’re here temporarily. You brought her home and you thought your duty was done. You thought she’d pick me and that you’d stop by for the occasional visit.”
“No one else makes me as mad as you,” he growled at her.
“You’re not my favorite person, either.”
“At least we understand each other,” he grumbled.
He took a step and stumbled as the muscles in his leg stiffened. Dropping the weed trimmer, he grabbed a fence post and drew in a deep breath as he tried to bear weight on his leg.
“Let me help you,” she said, moving to his side, her arm sliding around his waist. “If you’re doing this for attention, you’re in big trouble.”
He managed to laugh. “I can promise you, this is no act. But I think I can make it to the house.”
“All right.” She sounded less than sure. “I’m pretty certain you’re not supposed to be doing manual labor yet.”
“It’s been a couple of months. I thought it would be fine.”
With her help, he limped his way back to the house. Her arm remained around his waist and he couldn’t help sniffing the floral scent of her hair.
“Stop,” she hissed.
“My apologies.” But he kept his nose there just a moment longer.
“You haven’t changed at all.”
“Not where you’re concerned,” he said. “But I’m determined not to hurt you again.”
She shook her head and kept walking. As they did so, his muscles relaxed and with each step it got easier to move. He didn’t remove her arm from his waist, or his arm from her shoulder. It felt too right, being so close to her. But it couldn’t last forever. He sighed and put space between them.
“I can make it to the patio on my own.”
“You sure?” Her dark eyes sought his, and he didn’t know what the question pertained to, his health or something more.
“I’m sure.” He collapsed on a chair on the patio.
“Is there something I can get you?” she asked as she sat in the chair across from his.
“No, I’m good. I just need to give it a minute.”
“I’m putting the Weed Eater back in your truck.” Holly jumped to her feet.
“I’ll do it in a bit. Sit down and let’s talk about your day.”
She settled back into the chair. “It’s been good. Me and Dixie talked all about our lives, parts of my life, all of hers. She asked if we were in love.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her yes, that a long time ago we were in love.”
The truth was, he still loved her. He thought he’d always loved her but eleven years ago he hadn’t been the man she deserved. He’d taken her love and her trust and treated them as if they meant nothing.
It was something he regretted.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Holly said. The words brought him back to the present.
“Sorry, just lost in thought.”
“I could tell.” She leaned closer, the floral scent teasing his nose. “We’ll figure this out without you falling on your sword.”
“Falling on my sword?” He didn’t understand.
“Marriage. The great sacrifice. I read through the papers. Becky didn’t say we had to be married. Only that we have to provide a stable home life for our daughter. We can do that by sharing custody and coming up with an agreement on visitation. If she chooses us.”
“Because you’re worried about her relationship with Daisy. I know the two of them are close.”
“I feel like the woman in the story of Solomon. I don’t want to be the one who says to divide the baby. I don’t want to be selfish and take Dixie from the life she knows.”
“I know. We have her for two months, until the end of the school year. Let’s agree that we won’t keep her here if this isn’t the life she wants.”
He took Holly’s hand and held it in his; her fingers devoid of jewelry. Her fingernails were blunt and unpainted. Then he lifted it to press a kiss against her palm.
“I’m sorry.” He looked up, met her dark eyes with his. “I messed up but I’m going to do everything in my power not to hurt you this time.”
“Colt...” Her eyes glistened and he wondered what she would say next.
But just then, the back door banged shut and he heard Dixie say something to Opal about kittens. He released Holly’s hand and she settled back in her chair. With effort he got to his feet.
“Is it almost time for burgers?” he asked, needing something to do, some way to disrupt the tension.
“Almost. I’ll make hamburger patties. You have to clean the grill,” she said with a forced smile.
Dixie rounded the corner and saw them. She came to a skittering halt. “Hey, there you are.”
“Yes, here I am.” He went over to her and gave her a quick hug.
“Why are you limping?” she asked.
“I was trying to help out with the lawn.”
Her gray eyes widened. “You’re not supposed to do that. You should sit down. Grandma and I will be back in a minute. We have to put the kitten back in the barn. Have you been in the barn? It’s amazing. It’s huge on the inside. There are birds that dive-bomb the cats. And they flew after me, too.”
“That’s not surprising.” He walked with her, listening to her ramble on about kittens, birds and how maybe she could get a horse.
She was a novelty to him. He hadn’t spent much time around kids; even his nieces and nephew were foreign little beings that he saw from time to time, but he hadn’t built much of a relationship with them.
That had been a mistake.
This small person, she was amazing. She lit up as she talked about the barn and the kittens. She kept a hand on Opal while she expounded on the wonders of an aging barn that had seen better days probably a half century ago.
They were halfway to the barn when she stopped talking and walking. “You should go back and rest,” she told him.
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah, but you don’t seem fine. I think you need to go sit down.” She shot a look past him to the patio.
He glanced that way and realized she was giving him a strong hint.
“See what I mean?” she said. “You should go rest.”
He saluted. “Will do.”
He returned to the patio and Holly. “She sent me back,” he told her. “Show me where the grill is, and I’ll get started.”
She stood up and headed for the front door. He followed her inside. “I don’t want to disappoint her. She expects us to spend time together, I think.”
She took hamburger meat out from the fridge and started shaping patties.
The Prodigal Cowboy (Mercy Ranch Book 5) Page 5
