Just those simple words gave Jackie hope.
“This is only the beginning, Major Holmes. I want to see you in here next week, so I can measure your limb again. You can blame Carrie for that. She’s the one who’s going to tone you up and change your muscle definition.”
I won’t blame her, in fact, I appreciate her. Does that make me selfish? I see it more as being honest. I need to be strong, grow a pair, as they say.
Placing her hand on Jackie’s shoulder, Carrie’s eyes glistened, her smile, warm, reflecting her unconditional acceptance. “It’s time for the hard work to start, Jackie.”
•••
Jackie wheeled her chair in between the parallel bars and locked the wheels into place.
“Right, I need you to grab hold of each bar, then I want you to pull yourself up and stand. Do it carefully, not like a bull in a china shop.” Carrie stood in front of her, at the far end of the bars, and patiently waited for her patient to make her move.
One, two, three. Jackie grabbed hold of the bars and pulled herself up. I did it.
“Okay, make sure both feet are firmly on the floor, and stand tall while holding those bars.”
“Like this?”
Carrie shook her head and tapped Jackie’s left thigh. “Yes, but I said both feet. You’re favouring your right leg. Place your left foot flat and stand on it.”
It’s like when I first rode my bike and dad let go of it. I fell off. What if I fall now, what if the leg falls off, what if I hit my head on one of the bars as I fall? But maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll do this, maybe I’ll show everyone I can do it. As she pressed down on her new leg, a sensation that could only be described as an electrical charge, ran through her residual limb. Not expecting it, she winced.
“What you’re experiencing is perfectly normal. You’ll get used to any new sensations and, in time, you won’t even notice them.”
Jackie held the bars with a tight grip, and determinedly she slowly made her way along the mat until she reached the end of the bars.
Not saying a word, Carrie raised her hand and made a circular motion with her finger, indicating for Jackie to turn and walk back towards her chair. Jackie slowly turned, and then carefully switched her hands over from the bars they were holding on to, ready to support her on the way back. She walked again, her right side supporting her as she limped slightly.
“Keep going, Jackie. You’re doing great.”
“Is it normal to limp like this?”
“Until we get the muscle definition toned, you’ll be off balance slightly. Expect to experience back pain because your posture will be different now.”
I’m a born fighter. One day, and that day will be soon, I’ll be free of this hell, and have the freedom I once had, I’ve just got to push myself. I can do it. Hang in there, Holmes, just hang in there.
•••
When Jackie woke to the smell of something familiar, she discovered a brown paper bag on her bedside table. She sat up and reached for it. There was a hand written message stapled to the front of the bag.
I thought you deserved these. Well Done, Major Holmes. Enjoy! P.S. Don’t tell anyone where you got them. C, XXX
Burying her nose into the opening, she breathed in the scent of spices, then ripped the bag open to discover her nachos, a pot of sour cream and chives, and a portion of guacamole. God! Carrie’s a saint. She dipped a chip into one of the pots and popped it into her mouth. That tastes so good.
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Chapter Six
Jackie was exhausted, not only from the last two weeks of vigorous workouts, but also from the night terrors, which had made for another early morning.
She’d visited Stan twice to have new moulds for her stump, as Carrie’s sessions had tightened her muscles. But all of that was superfluous, as Carrie had said the magic words Jackie had been longing to hear. She was ready to walk on her own, and that day was finally here.
•••
Jackie waited outside Carrie’s office door. With her eyes shut, she tapped her fingers on the arms of the chair as she absorbed the warmth filtering in through the large window pane in front of her. The sound of Carrie’s heels tapping on the polished floor alerted her to the fact she was approaching her office.
“Did you have another bad night?” Carrie asked, slipping the key into the lock.
“Yes. I’m concerned I can only remember things sub-consciously. I’ve spoken to the shrink, she said I’ll remember when something sparks it.”
“We can sit down at lunch and talk about it, if you like? So, are you ready to take your first walk without help?”
Jackie could feel her own heartbeat inside her chest, and taking her attention away from it, she twisted her wedding band around her finger. Her words were soft as she uttered through her breath, “Yes.”
Carrie asked, with a tone of peaceful suggestion in her voice, “Would you like me to hold your hand?”
Again, a soft “yes,” left Jackie’s lips. She held her hands over her stomach and let out a sigh through a repressed smile, while her submissive gaze indicated she was ready. She locked the brakes on the chair, then gripped the handles tight as she pushed upward. As she raised herself up to meet with Carrie’s height, their eyes briefly met in a gaze, before each looked downward at the other’s mouth.
How desirable her lips are. I could kiss them, but I’d be breaking her trust if I stole one.
As Jackie succeeded to hold herself steady, Carrie held her hands out for her to take. “Give me one hand at a time, I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”
It’s strange that I think of this as a victorious moment. I thought my life had ended, come to a halt, and then I’d be in a position where I’d have to rely on everyone around me, but this moment here, right now, this is my life starting over again.
After steadying herself, she released one hand and held it out for Carrie to take.
Their fingers interlocked as their hands clamped together.
Jackie wobbled as she released her other hand and held it out. Please take it, oh God, take it, I’m going to fall. She spread her fingers wide like a starfish, ready for Carrie to take.
As Carrie locked her fingers in place, she looked Jackie directly in the eyes. “I’ve got you. Now, what I want you to do is walk to me, and I’ll walk backwards, okay?”
Her steps were slow and awkward. She struggled at first, but it was her nerves more than her ability making her feel as though rigor mortis had set in, and she had to break down the stiffness.
“This reminds me of a time shortly before our deployment to Afghanistan. The lads were anxious, you know, a lot of tension building up. So, cutting a long story short, we played a game of football in the hangar. I got cramp in my left calf. I don’t even know the relevance of this, to be honest with you. Just walking stiff like this reminded me.”
“Well, it’s a good memory to have. Your team must have respected you.”
“Yes, they did.”
They walked, it was slow, but they walked, and as impressed as Carrie was, she limited Jackie to just a few minutes to get used to her new leg.
•••
Carrie reached up to take her jacket from the coat hook, when she winced in pain.
“What’s wrong?” Jackie asked.
“I banged it on the door handle last night. It’s nothing, and I’ve already put some arnica on it.”
I’m not a fool. If she thinks she can blanket my intelligence by telling me she hurt herself on a door handle, then she’s telling the wrong person. I can see the imprints, the finger-marks where she was held by force. “It was Toni?”
Carrie looked away. Her chin quivering, she let out a long heartfelt sigh. “Yes. Last night. We argued and she…I couldn’t get away.”
As with anyone who had the nature to protect, Jackie wanted to punch Carrie’s partner in the face.
“I can handle it, now please, can we just pretend this conversation didn’t happen?”
A sudden urge to embrace her overwhelmed Jackie, and without hesitation, she took it and pulled her therapist close. Freeing her fingers from their hold, she threw her arms around Carrie to comfort her. Carrie’s posture relaxed as though she’d given up the fight to be strong, and as she nuzzled her face into Jackie’s shoulder, she released a sob. Her body trembled as she let herself cry about her situation for the first time. She’d held her emotions in for so long, she’d forgotten what it was like to receive compassion, as she was always the one to give it.
“I feel so hollow,” she whimpered through her breath. Grasping reality, she pulled herself out of the embrace and wiped away her tears. “I’m sorry, that was completely unprofessional of me.”
“No, it wasn’t. I offered you comfort, and you took it. I’ll always be here, if you need me.”
“Thank you.” She walked Jackie back to the bars. “Now, back to you. I don’t want you trying to walk on your own just yet.
“All right, you know best.”
“That’s the spirit. Okay, I want you to walk to the end of the bar, and back again. Then that’ll be it for today.”
•••
Carrie had escorted Jackie back to her room and had helped her out of the chair to stand up and cross the room to her bed.
An awkward moment followed as Jackie tried to put her left foot down. It caught her right foot and she lost her balance. She reached out in hopes that Carrie would block her fall, but her weight was too much for Carrie to bear, and they both toppled and landed on the bed. A moment of peace followed as they stared into each other’s eyes.
How could anyone hurt someone as precious as her?
Carrie moved and sat up next to Jackie. “You’re not hurt are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“What the hell’s going on here? Take your hands off my wife!” The whites of David’s eyes almost disappeared as he gave a cold, hard, narrowing stare, and angrily slammed the door behind him and strutted into the room. His angry judgement startled the pair from their moment of tranquillity, causing them to quickly shift away from each other.
Jackie sat up and matched his angry glare with a burning stare of her own. There was no love, or compassion between them, just an emptiness neither knew how to fill, and had they been ready to admit it, neither of them wanted to fill it.
“For God sake, Dave, I grabbed Carrie to stop myself from falling, but ended up pulling her down with me.”
“It looked like more than that from where I was standing.” He glared at them both and stormed over to the window.
“Don’t be so bloody stupid! I would’ve ended up on the floor if it wasn’t for her.”
He took a deep breath, and kept his stare on his wife. “Well, it just looked a little suspicious to me.”
Carrie climbed off the bed and straightened her clothing. “I should leave. I’ll see you tomorrow, Major Holmes.”
Dave didn’t wait too long before he ran his mouth off about Carrie after she’d left the room and closed the door behind her. “You watch yourself with her. I saw her girlfriend pick her up the other week while I was here. Fucking lesbians, they feel they have the right to touch every woman they meet.”
“Jesus, you’re being ridiculous. Carrie’s an old friend from school, as you bloody well know. She’s the person who’s helping me through all this, and teaching me to walk again. Now drop it.” She moved forward to reach down to release the button on her prosthesis, then placed it on the bed next to her.
Dave turned away and averted his gaze from her leg. “Did you have to do that while I was here?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Dave; does my injury make you uncomfortable?” How the fuck do you think I feel?
“You could have at least waited until I’d left”
“You’re going to have to get used to it. Another one won’t grow back in its place, you know.” Having had more than enough of his attitude, she leaned back and closed her eyes. “You can see yourself out.”
•••
Jackie lay back on the bench, and with a set of 8lb hand weights, she pushed up and out to work her biceps. She’d been quiet during her session with Carrie, as her thoughts had been focused on her marriage. She tried to remember the last time she had had fun with Dave—nothing of any relevance came to her. Then she’d questioned her ability of being a good wife and mother, on whether she had been the reason they’d failed?
Carrie stood at her side and counted through to thirty push-ups, then, in a monotone voice, she ended the exercise. She placed her hand on Jackie’s shoulder, unsure if she would flinch away from her touch, but she had concerns over her mental welfare, and wanted to make sure everything was okay with their professional relationship.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I’m not, really. I want to cry, scream! I want to tell everyone to leave me alone. But that would show that I’m weak, and I’m not.
Having to accept her answer, Carrie continued with the session. “So, we’ll do your exercises between the bars.”
Avoiding eye contact, Jackie wheeled herself over to the bars and levered herself up, then tried to move her prosthesis. Instead of lifting and placing it on the floor to make her step smoother, she barely lifted it. “Damn it!”
Carrie kneeled in front of her and took hold of her hand. “Your concentration isn’t on the task. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she whispered, and looked down at her lap.
Not accepting that as a good enough answer, Carrie placed her finger under Jackie’s chin and lifted her face. “You’ve done a full workout today, so as a reward, I think we should go out for lunch. What do you think?”
“I think I’d like that,” Jackie said, hoping the company would distract her from her mood.
•••
Peaking over the brim of her sunglasses, Carrie finally asked, “Are you ready to talk to me about what’s going on?”
“I’m still upset over the way Dave treated you yesterday,” Jackie replied quietly.
“It’s not a problem. He jumped to a conclusion without thinking clearly about it first.”
“No, it is a problem. He was rude and out of order.” Her hands trembled as her anger rose. Hoping Carrie wouldn’t notice them, she quickly hid them under the table. “Christ knows what’s going through his mind at the moment! He’s been acting weird ever since I returned home.”
Carrie toyed with her napkin. “What do you mean, weird?”
“He’ll hardly talk to me, and when he does, he’s short with me, and standoffish when he visits. He was rather hurtful yesterday after you left.” She cringed, fighting back the tears that were stinging her eyes. “When I took my prosthetic off, he gave me a dirty look, and acted as if I disgusted him.” She rubbed her face vigorously with her hands, causing some tears to slip from her eyes and run down her cheeks. “I didn’t ask for this to happen to me, Carrie, and I need his support. Instead, he asked that I not take it off in front of him again.” she sighed heavily, feeling betrayed. “I don’t know my husband anymore.”
“Has he been to see the counsellors?”
Jackie swallowed hard, her throat closing up with the emotion she was trying to keep a hold on. She nodded, afraid that if she spoke, the dam would burst wide open.
“It must be devastating to watch someone you love come back injured.”
Jackie breathed a heavy sigh and wiped her cheeks. “I’ll suggest we go and see a counsellor together.” Her attention was drawn away as the waitress appeared with their food.
Through mouthfuls, the conversation shifted between children and shopping. Jackie listened to Carrie go into detail about how much her boys could eat. She could sympathise; Ben had also been able to eat his weight in food.
Once they finished eating, Carrie wheeled Jackie back to the centre, and into her room. The bright smile that had stretched Jackie’s lips only moments before faded. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be out in the real world. Okay, it was onl
y for an hour, but it made me feel alive.
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Chapter Seven
Folded in the breast pocket of Jackie’s neatly pressed uniform was a yellowing piece of paper. It was almost falling apart along its fold-lines because it had gotten wet while she was in the trenches; the ink had run a little, making the hurried writing even harder to decipher, but she knew every word it said, and what it meant to her. It was the first letter Ben had written, telling her how much he missed her and wished she’d come home. She’d learned to read between the lines, and knew Ben and his father were once again arguing. As much as she wanted to return and make things right at home, she also had a duty to protect the innocent civilians that inhabited the desert land.
I wonder what happened to the letter? Jackie soothed her hand over her breast where the material had once held the cherished note. A set reminder of what she was fighting for—her children, and all those abroad. That seemed like a lifetime ago as Jackie lay on the military issue hospital bed, listening to the constant reminders of the casualties of war—echoing cries that carried through the hall. Some patients took the injuries as a challenge to rebuild their lives, while others broke, and their desolate sobs from behind their closed doors could be heard day and night.
Jackie hated it. She felt trapped inside the plain beige walls, and was determined to get better quickly, so she could go home. It was the end goal, the determination that burned in her veins that pushed her forward each day.
Six weeks into her progress, she’d persuaded Carrie to allow her to walk down the hallway with only the use of her crutches. She loved the feel in the open space, she wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe the sleek floors, or the art on the walls of natural images in colours as bright as spring flowers. The air was fresh and sweet, not sterile, just clean. In the background, music played from speakers above at just the right level, which gave her an emotional lift.
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