Carrie carried an air of simplicity—her inner splendour softening her features when she smiled. “I’m sure he will eventually.”
“Anyway,” Jackie sighed, rolling her shoulders. “That’s enough about me. Tell me about you. I know you have children, what are they like?”
Carrie placed her hand on her chest and gently rubbed as if she was caressing her heart, a token of her love for her children. She then stole a glimpse of the outside world through the window behind her, before returning her gaze to Jackie. “Richard’s the same age as your twins, and working on his exams. Charlie’s fourteen.”
“Are they like you?”
“Oh yes, they’re both chips off the old block, blonde hair and blue eyes. I love them both to bits, and I feel like they’re not only my sons, but my best friends as well.”
“I feel the same way about mine. So, is there a husband waiting for you at home?”
Carrie raised her eyebrows in pretend surprise. “I don’t make a habit of telling too many people about my private life, but I feel as though I can tell you. I’ve never been with a man.”
“But…two kids? How did you…” What is she saying…that she’s a lesbian?
“I had both my boys by artificial insemination. I wanted to be a mother, so I made the decision.”
Jackie’s heartbeat quickened as a sudden desire to be closer and touch her therapist overwhelmed her. She needed to know more about this woman. “Do you have a partner?”
Carrie cleared her throat, then rested her hand on the window ledge behind her. “Yes. I’ve been with Toni for five years. She’s a workaholic. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. We do find time to eat as a family…sometimes, and when she’s not working we try to arrange family outings, if she’s not too exhausted. Often enough, a beer and a night on the sofa watching a movie seem to be the trend.”
So her relationship’s strained. Not that it makes any difference to me, I’ve got enough of my own worries to think about. But it’s sad how she’s unable to conceal the pain in her eyes. She thinks I don’t see it as she tries to mask her emotions behind her blonde locks, but I do.
“I see your twins visit often,” Carrie said, switching the attention away from her own personal affairs.
“Yes, they do. We live on the barracks in Croydon, and my parents aren’t too far away, either.”
“You’re a Yeoman?”
“Yes.”
Carrie’s eyes widened as huge as an owl’s. “Well, we live in Croydon, too. My boys go to Rockwell Garden School.”
“My twins do, too. How have we never bumped into each other?”
Carrie raised her hand to stroke her neck, her gold bracelet reflecting the light as the summer sun caught it. And that wasn’t the only thing it caught. Her white cotton shirt became transparent from the daylight behind, showing her white lace bra.
I’d almost forgotten how beautiful a woman can be. She just effortlessly caught my attention. Does she even know she has the ability to seduce another without even doing anything? I think not. I want to stare at her longer, but I should let her know.
“The sunlight,” she said with a gentle cough, pointing at Carrie’s shirt. “Your shirt’s see-through.”
“Oh, good God.” She moved away from the window and over to the door, her face flushed, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Perhaps, when things have settled down for you at home, we can arrange to meet up.”
“I’d like that a lot.”
“Good.” She opened the door and looked back at Jackie. “You seem to have accepted your condition rather well. There are those who can do that, I won’t dispute it, but you unnerved me with your quick acceptance.”
Jackie looked down. “This isn’t me. It’s just a temporary setback. I know I’ll be able to do almost everything I did before. I’m tough, I’m still alive, and my children still have their mother. Accepting this…that’s not the issue. Accepting that I’m no longer able to serve my country, to lead my team, to stand up for what I know is right, that hasn’t hit me yet. I know it will.” Yeah, sure, I can have a tantrum, beat myself up mentally, hate everyone around me, but only I can pick myself up. The damage has been done, it’s how I fix the situation that counts. “I’m not a crier. I’ve been trained to lead, think, and resolve situations to satisfactory outcomes. This is no different. I just want you to know that.”
“I appreciate your honesty, Major Holmes. Now, I have to leave, my boys will be waiting for me. I’ll see you tomorrow, bye.”
“Thanks for coming by, Carrie,” Jackie said. “I do appreciate it. Bye.” She watched as Carrie smiled and left, then she looked out the window to see clouds, blue sky and trees in her view.
I am someone…just a different someone.
•••
As Carrie walked along the hallway, her car keys slipped from her hand and dropped to the floor, and she immediately crouched to pick them up. As she did so, her attention was drawn to the nearby cleaning cupboard door as it opened in front of her, almost trapping her keys in the small gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. She whipped them away and stood up quickly, stepping back before the door hit her. Every muscle became immobilised on her face, as the dark brown wood stopped just a few centimetres short of her nose.
She watched as Laura stepped out of the cupboard, buttoning up her uniform. She didn’t see Carrie behind the door as she let it swing shut by itself. As she walked away, she smoothed her hair down, then headed to the canteen.
Carrie didn’t think too much of it and headed out of the building to her car.
•••
Back home, Carrie poured herself a glass of Australian Shiraz, then sat on the couch with her feet up. She picked up the book she’d been reading, but the words wouldn’t absorb, as her thoughts returned to Jackie. She liked her. She liked the fact that someone who had been through what she had, still managed to look at life with positivity. Her gaze then rose from the pages and over the top of the book, as she looked across the room at Toni, who had fallen asleep in the armchair. Toni liked to drink. She had a problem but would never admit it. For Carrie, it was a Catch 22 situation. When Toni was sober, she was a nice to be around, and spared everyone her meanness. But when she was drunk, she would be spiteful, spiteful as if they were her prisoners and she enjoyed their despair. Much to Carrie’s relief, she’d eventually fall asleep.
The boys were smart. They’d make themselves scarce, but Carrie didn’t want to admit she’d failed. She was damned if she let Toni push her boys around.
•••
Jackie lay back on the bench in the gym, and with an exercise band attached to the end of the bench, she’d looped it over her limb to do her final leg raises. Her skin had taken on a lustrous sheen, while dark patches of absorbed sweat showed on her t-shirt. The workout had gone well, with Jackie believing she was fit enough to be a gymnast.
God, I hope she can’t smell my shepherd pie armpits. It’s bad enough I’ve got to keep wiping away the fucking sweat from my forehead to stop it dripping into my eyes. I must look like a humungous red lobster, and stink like a teenage boy’s gym locker.
“You’ve worked me as hard as Bubba today.”
Carrie locked her into a competitive gaze, trying to keep a straight face, but as she rolled up a ball of paper and threw it at Jackie, she let out a hearty laugh.
“Bloody cheek! Just for that, I have a good mind to send you back to her.”
Subtly tilting her head, Jackie pouted, then crafted a menacing smirk. “Is that your plan? I should’ve known I’d be in trouble the first moment I saw you.”
“Get used to it.”
I plan to, Jackie thought, sliding from the bench and into her chair. “When will I be able to go swimming?”
Carrie relaxed back in her chair, her fingers bridged under her chin, her face straighter than a poker player’s. “Give it another couple of days.”
Jackie suppressed her smile.
As they reached the doorway to Jac
kie’s room, babbling voices alerted them to the presence of her family waiting for her. “Carrie, these are my children, Jess and Ben, and my husband, Dave.”
As Carrie was introduced, her stare focused on Jackie’s husband. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you all.”
Jess looked to her mother, then Carrie. “Are you one of the nurses here?”
“No, I’m your mother’s physiotherapist, and I found out we attended the same school together.”
Jess lunged forward and threw her arms around her, showing Carrie how grateful she was for everything Carrie had done. “Thank you for helping my mum.”
She had taken Carrie by surprise. It was a simple gesture, yet it felt more than that—a child indebted to the person who was in charge of giving her back the mother she loved.
Ben held out his hand, anticipating a shake. “It means more to us than you know,” he said quietly.
Ben’s matured. I’m so proud of him, of them both, Jackie thought. Then her attention was drawn to Dave. He was holding his sunglasses in his hand, twiddling them as he ogled Carrie, his smile reserved.
Carrie shook Ben’s hand, then stepped towards the door. “I’ll leave you all in peace. Jackie, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jackie pushed herself up and slid over to the bed, then patted the cover for Ben and Jess to sit with her. Jess sat on one side and held her hand, while Ben sat the other and rested his head on her shoulder, putting his arm around her. My little army.
Dave crossed his legs and made himself comfortable in the chair. He looked around the room and huffed, the type of huff that came across as meant to be sarcastic. “I see you’ve got a nice framed photo of you and the kids.”
“Where have you been, Dave?” I don’t know why I even bother to ask; he’ll just give me some sleaze-ball answer. And yes, Mr. I’m-always-left-out-of-the-family-photos, perhaps you should be around more so we could capture you, you’ve been as present as a Dodo.
He rubbed the back of his neck and gave off an arrogant smirk, as if he’d triumphed in some sort of secret battle, and Jackie was the loser, even though she didn’t know it. He based his life on business, and treated his family as if they were one, too. His expressions were rarely readable these days, as though he’d practiced his poker face so many times, it had become his natural look. He brought his gaze to meet with hers, and spoke with a coldness she’d never heard before. “Work.”
“So you’re telling me that you’ve been spending every hour of every day at work, and you’ve done nothing else?”
“Yes.”
Ben held his hand to his mouth and not so discretely coughed the word bullshit.
A giggle came from Jess. “He said bull—”
“Are you going to let him talk to me like that?”
Jackie placed her arms around her children and pulled them in closer to her—a mother protecting her babies. “Grow a pair, David. You need to look at me…really look at me. Go on! This is who I am…what I am. If I disgust you—”
Jess squeezed her mother’s hand tight. “Mum, please don’t.”
She hated losing her temper in front of her kids; not being around them daily, she had made sure she kept her ill feelings towards her husband to a minimum. But now he was acting like the biggest jerk alive.
The corner of Dave’s mouth twitched as he pressed his lips tightly together. He uncrossed his legs and sat forward in the chair, determined not to look away from her as he glared and gave a deceitful smile. “I think it’s time we left, kids. Your mother’s in one of her moods.”
I hate it when he does that with the kids. Me in one of my moods, seriously? And using them to try to prove a point. “That’s not cool, David. I think we need to see a counsellor. We can’t continue like this.”
As he stood he let out a sharp laugh, then leaned in close to her face. “That’s just rich, coming from you. Kids, move.”
They laboriously moved from the bed, neither showing signs of wanting to leave their mother.
Jackie felt her spirit sink even further. She’d allowed their relationship issues to take over what could have been a nice visit. Her gaze turned from her husband to her children, then slowly downcast to her lap. She was unhappy, and she’d made them unhappy.
Got to Table of Contents
Chapter Five
One week later
Soft rays of sunlight streamed through the windows, warming the hallway, as Carrie walked towards her office. Her thoughts ricocheted between her personal life and her profession, as she inserted the key into the door lock and entered the room. Before she closed the door behind her, she caught a glimpse of Jackie approaching in her wheelchair.
“Someone’s eager. Let’s hope Stan’s ready for you.”
Jackie had no real element of emotions in the way of eagerness. She felt drained, as though a giant pin had punctured her body and let out her energy. “I need to get this over with so I can get on with my life.”
“And good morning to you, too.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve just been a bit preoccupied.” God I need to shift this mood.
A heavy silence settled over them as both had personal problems they needed to deal with.
Carrie sat on the edge of her desk and checked the time on her watch. She had the pose of a ballet dancer, elegant, graceful, yet strong. “Would you like to talk about it?” She looked at Jackie with a sense of doubt emanating from her.
Jackie’s sigh showed her indecision, as she still needed time to process what had taken place with Dave. “I think maybe not for the time being.”
“Okay, I understand. Well, we can go now, I’m sure Stan won’t mind us being early.”
•••
Stan walked out of a room at the end of the hallway, his attention caught by Carrie and Jackie as he whistled a tune to himself. “Good morning, ladies, you’re early. Well, I’ve got good news, your new leg’s here, Major Holmes.” He opened another door and waved his hand for them to follow him.
Stan’s statement hadn’t had the stimulating outcome that he’d probably anticipated, and, in fact, set off a whole mood of deteriorating emotions in Jackie. I’m not sure what he expects from me. Butterflies in my stomach, bursts of laughter, clap my hands? He’s so fucking jolly, it’s annoying.
They followed him into the room, where he stood holding her prosthetic leg. To Jackie, it looked like something out of an alien movie, maybe a spare part from a prop they hadn’t used.
“That’s fucking ugly.” Her breathing changed from steady to deeper puffs, and heat rushed through her cheeks. It was as though the world had just fallen through her fingers.
Glances between Stan and Carrie gave away the fact that they were used to hearing all sorts of comments from new prosthetic wearers. They were like the ethically correct brigade.
Carrie sat on a small bench-like seat next to Jackie and patted her hand—her eyes filled with sympathy and warmth, as if she was trying to take Jackie’s mind away from what she assumed she’d be feeling.
“Okay, let’s get you fitted up,” Stan said, kneeling in front of her. He held up a gel liner to show her. “It has a cushion inside on the bottom for comfort. Stand up for me, will you.”
Jackie pushed herself up out of the chair by gripping tightly onto the handles. She felt uneasy, as this was quite an ordeal to experience.
Stan then held the liner upright beneath her limb. “All you have to do is descend into it. Just take your time.”
Jackie slowly moved into position. Her body trembled. With the help of Stan, who pulled the sleeve up to her thigh, she held her breath and bit down hard on her bottom lip. This is fucking insane, I want my leg back, I want my leg, I want my leg…She couldn’t fight back the tears.
Stan picked up the leg and held it to the limb. “Just press down lightly, Major Holmes. You’ll feel strange at first, so just be aware, but your weight will keep it fixed.”
Jackie looked at Carrie for moral support. It was a brave smile with a hint of gratitude that she gav
e her. She lowered her posture to allow her limb to fit inside the leg. “Oh my God,” she whimpered. I feel as if my lungs are surrounded by metal boxes and I can’t breathe. I’m desperate to do this, I need to do this, God help me.
“Okay, let me get you a walking frame so you can support yourself,” Stan said to her as he stood and reached for a frame behind him. “Take hold of this.” He placed it in front of her, then stepped away.
Jackie held one hand tightly onto the wheelchair handle and released the other to grasp the frame. Don’t let me fall, that’s all I ask. Once she was sure of her grip, she quickly released her other hand and grabbed hold of the frame. I’m doing it, I’m standing. “Carrie, I’m standing.”
Carrie stood alongside her, the look on her face was as if she had just witnessed a creature experiencing freedom for the first time. “And how does it feel?”
“Weird.” Taking a deep breath, she gripped the frame tightly, the palms of her hands already wet with perspiration, showing her stress. Leaning forward, she moved her good foot first, then she moved her hip to bring the prosthetic leg up and step.
“Does it hurt?” Stan asked.
Jackie shrugged. “Not really. It just feels weird.” She took another step, and another, the information not sinking in quickly enough on how amazing it was for her to finally be up and walking.
“Weird is good,” he replied.
Compassion wasn’t something Carrie had learned in medical school, it came to her naturally, and often she was ignorant of her self-awareness. “I can help if you get stuck.”
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