Endless Mercy

by Tracie Peterson

  John patted her shoulder. “No apology necessary.”

  It soothed her spirit in places she couldn’t even explain. Probably because she never had a brother . . . or much of a dad for that matter. Being the youngest in her family was normally a joy, but at times she wrestled with it. Especially when everyone mothered her. With Mama gone, her older sisters wanted to protect her, but they didn’t know how to fill the holes. And that was the thing . . . no one could.

  He took a moment to look at each of them. “I know how hard this has been on all of you. But it appears your father’s not leaving anytime soon. So might I suggest that we deal with it the best we can?”

  Several moments passed as they exchanged glances between each other.

  Whitney was the first to speak. She lifted her chin. “Yes, as much as I was hoping this would be easier, he does seem to be staying in Nome, so I think we should probably come up with a plan for how we are going to deal with this.”

  John stepped even closer and motioned the sisters in. “You can’t avoid him forever. Whit is right. We need some sort of plan. Do you want me to talk to him?”

  Even though everyone always said Madysen was the merciful sister, for some reason she wasn’t feeling any toward their father. She watched her sisters for their response. The last few months had changed them all, but they were in this together.

  Havyn pursed her lips. “You’re right, we can’t avoid him, no matter how difficult this is. And as much as I appreciate you offering to speak to him, John, we need to figure out how we are going to deal with the situation.”

  Whitney crossed her arms over her chest. “All right then. Let’s make a plan. What do you know about him, John?”

  He tilted his head a bit.

  The lively party continued around them, which made it difficult for Madysen to stay focused. She’d much rather be distracted by the fun. But John cleared his throat, and she forced herself to listen.

  “I’ve heard that he really is a nice man. So maybe his story of turning his life around is true.”

  “I highly doubt that.” Whit’s mama-bear mentality had kicked into high gear. Something Madysen loved about her. “It’s going to take a lot more than him showing up in Nome and telling us that he’s changed to convince me. I’m going to need to see it for myself.”

  “As much as it hurts to say it, I agree.” Havyn ducked her head a bit. “I’m thankful that he’s alive and not dead—I am. But this is a lot to swallow. Especially after losing Mama.”

  Tears sprang to Madysen’s eyes. Sometimes she hated the way she became emotional so quickly. “I’m thankful he’s alive too. But this is hard. I guess I didn’t realize how hard. Oh, why did he have to show up this summer?”

  “Maddy, I’m sorry, and this is supposed to be your birthday party.” Havyn wrapped her arms around her in a big hug. “Do you want us to ask him to leave?”

  Her thoughts warred with one another. On one hand, she wished she could avoid it all, while on the other, she had an inkling that Mama would want them to at least show him some respect. She pulled out of Havyn’s arms, swiped at her eyes, and straightened her shoulders. “No. I invited him. I should probably go speak with him.” She turned on her heel and headed back toward their father.

  An arm on her shoulder stopped her. “We’re coming with you.” The look in Havyn’s eyes almost did her in. But they could do this. Together.

  With his hands shoved in his pockets, Dad stood right where she’d left him, looking a bit forlorn. How would she feel if someone had invited her to a party and then left her all alone? Especially if she hadn’t been in town all that long. Her dad probably didn’t know many people. What kind of daughter was she?

  Her emotions made everything inside her feel sick. “I’m sorry I left.”

  “That’s understandable, Madysen. I’m sorry I put you in this predicament in the first place.” He held out his hands in front of him. “Look, I don’t have any idea how to make things right or where to go from here. I’ve wanted to spend time with you girls . . . get to know you again. But I understand you probably don’t want to talk to me.” His lips thinned into a straight line.

  Was he fighting off tears himself?

  How was she supposed to respond?

  “Hi, Dad.”

  Thank goodness. Havyn to the rescue. She nodded toward their dad and leaned toward him in an awkward hug.

  Whitney stayed back a pace and kept her arms crossed over her chest. Watching.

  Dad stood stiff, his hands at his side. Another awkward pause encompassed them before he spoke. “I should wish you a happy birthday. That is why I’m here after all.” A forced smile now filled his face as he gazed from one sister to another.

  “Thank you.” Madysen motioned to a few chairs. “Why don’t we sit down for a few minutes?” That was all she could offer.

  He nodded and sat with her. The room filled with familiar faces and lively chatter kept her grounded.

  “What have you been doing since you first came to Nome?” One breath at a time, one question at a time. They could have a reasonable conversation with him. Start over. Build something fresh. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? So why was it so hard?

  Because good fathers didn’t do what he did. The thought taunted her.

  “Well, I knew you girls needed some time. And frankly, I did too. When your mother died before I got to make things right with her, I wanted to run away and hide. It hit me hard that we’d lost her.”

  She nodded. Because that’s all she could do. She couldn’t look at her sisters. They all had tempers, but Mama often said that Madysen’s was the fiercest. Right now, she felt that. And this man was talking about their mother’s loss as if he had some right to grieve along with them. He didn’t have that right. And she wouldn’t give it to him. Never. Clasping her hands together, she squeezed as hard as she could as the heat crept up her chest and neck, threatening to explode out of the top of her head.

  No. She had to keep a lid on the anger. What would people think of her if she blew up at her long-thought-dead father at her own birthday party? Struggling to hold her composure, she bit her lip.

  Whitney broke the silence. “Why did you come up here?” While there wasn’t any anger in her voice, it certainly wasn’t warm and friendly.

  Dad swallowed, then leaned forward and put his hands on his knees. He took several breaths and swiped a hand down his face. “My main reason was to come tell you all the truth and ask for forgiveness. I wanted you to see the difference in me. But I had another reason as well. My brother-in-law came up here in ’03. Supposed to come back home six months later, but no one has seen or heard from him. So Ruth—that’s my sister-in-law—asked me to come find him.”

  “Your brother-in-law?” Madysen tried to keep her tone from being too clipped, but to hear Dad talking about this other family made her want to run away and hit something. Not a welcome feeling. But she forced herself to stay . . . she needed the truth more than anything else.

  “Stan—Stanley Robertson. He’s married to Ruth, who is . . . that is . . . she’s Esther’s sister.” He took a shaky breath. “Esther is the woman who . . .”

  Madysen held up a hand. It took too much effort to keep a lid on her emotions. Her words spilled out. “The woman you got pregnant before you supposedly died and left us.”

  “Maddy!” Havyn’s sharp retort stopped her.

  Dad’s shoulders stiffened and he lifted his chin. “I know I messed up. I failed. But I married her after that. She was my wife, and I would appreciate a touch of respect for her. She was a good woman.” His voice caught.

  “So was our mother. A better woman than you apparently knew.” Madysen didn’t even try to keep the accusation out of her tone. It left her with a sour feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  “She was that. She was a saint. The woman had an endless ability to forgive. She never made demands on me.”

  “Maybe she should have.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Madysen didn’t
care if her words stung.

  He nodded. “I agree. Maybe if she had . . .” He shook his head. “No. I’m not going to try to make excuses. Your mother was a wonderful woman, but Esther was good too. She stood by my side and cleaned me up. If not for her, I wouldn’t be here today.” His eyes shone with a glaze of tears. “I would have died for sure with a bottle in my hand.”

  Madysen shifted in her seat. To hear her father’s story, she’d have to hear about the other woman. Esther. She looked at her sisters. Whitney stood as still as a statue, her brow furrowed. Havyn looked like she might cry. Or be sick.

  Madysen understood that feeling all too well as the taste of bile crept up her throat. But they had to get this over with. She swallowed. “Go on.”

  His face paled. “Esther passed away last year. It tore me up. But Ruth helped me with the kids. Even though she was having an awful time with her own brood with Stan being gone. So when she asked me to come up here, I couldn’t refuse. Not after all she’d done for me. My other . . . well, my other kids are with her.”

  Other kids. Just like Maddy and her sisters had heard about . . . but now they seemed more . . . real as their dad talked about them. Madysen closed her eyes again for a brief moment and put her hand to her stomach before looking at him again. She could do this. “How many do you have?”

  Pride filled his face, and his lips hinted at a smile. “There’s three—other than you and your sisters. Matthew is eighteen, Elijah—we call him Eli—is fourteen, and then there’s Bethany. She’s twelve.”

  They had three more siblings. Three. The oldest of which was a mere three years younger than herself. That meant . . . she shook her head. She refused to think about what that meant. Heat crept up her neck.

  Whitney turned in a swift motion and marched away. Madysen couldn’t blame her. The look on Havyn’s face wasn’t shock—she’d known about their father’s indiscretions since she was young—but the pain there was profound.

  Dad’s face fell. “I can see the wheels turning, Maddy—”

  “Please, don’t call me that as if we can just pick back up where you left off.” She wouldn’t look into his sad eyes. She wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve mercy or acceptance.

  “Madysen. I’m sorry. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right to think I’m an awful person. I was—”

  She held up a hand and stood. “No. No more. It’s my birthday, and it’s supposed to be a celebration after all the grief we’ve endured. This isn’t a good time.”

  He stood too and took her elbow. “Is there ever going to be a good time? This is hard on me too, you know. I lost Esther and now Melissa. And my kids are having to stay with their aunt while I’m up here.”

  Was he really comparing his pain to theirs? Wanting their sympathy? After all he’d done to them? “You’re good at leaving your kids for someone else to raise, aren’t you? Well, if you are feeling guilty about that, why don’t you just go back to them?”

  Havyn’s gasp followed her as she turned and walked away as fast as she could from that horrible man.

  Anger—one. Mercy—zero.

  TWO

  Madysen knocked on the Beauforts’ back door. It opened, and she couldn’t contain her smile when she saw her beloved friend. “Granny, I’m so glad you’re back.”

  Granny, as she was known to everyone, wrapped Madysen up in her thin but strong arms.

  She relished the warmth of the older woman’s embrace. Her heart lifted just knowing Granny was finally back.

  The tiny woman pulled away and drew Madysen into her home. The scent of cinnamon lingered in the air, while a fire crackled in the fireplace. It felt like . . . home. Like she was loved here and belonged.

  Reaching for Madysen’s hand, Granny studied her with eyes that had seen their fair share of the ups and downs of life. “My dear, I’m so sorry for all you’ve suffered this summer. Had I known, I would have returned from Seattle immediately.”

  Tears sprang to Madysen’s eyes and ran down her face before she could bid them to stop. Swiping at her cheeks, she blew out a breath. “It’s been almost more than I could bear at times. But God got us through. And John. What a blessing he’s been. We couldn’t have done it without him.”

  “John seems like the perfect husband for Havyn.” Granny gestured toward the parlor. “Let’s sit so we can have a nice long chat.”

  “Oh, he is. And a wonderful brother to us, and a foreman of the farm. He’s been Granddad’s hands and feet and such a support.” She pulled a hankie out of her pocket as everything threatened to overwhelm her at once. If she talked about all that had happened this summer, she might just spend the rest of the day crying. “Anyway, John told me you were back when we came into town to purchase supplies for our new venture. While he takes care of some errands, I had to rush over here and get in a quick visit.”

  “Well, let’s have some tea. Then you can tell me all that’s on your mind.” Granny Beaufort led her to the settee.

  Granny was still an attractive woman. She must have been quite the beauty in her younger years. Her sparkling gray eyes set everyone at ease as soon as they saw her, and the lines around them attested to the years of smiling and laughter. Everything about her exuded love, comfort, and happiness.

  Granny was the perfect hostess and set out cups of tea and a plate of cinnamon cake. Then she sat down and lifted her eyebrows. “Well?” She leaned back and folded her hands in her lap. “I can see you are near to bursting.”

  It was all the encouragement Madysen needed. Her words spilled out. “Mama’s passing was the worst part of a very trying summer. Between Granddad and the farm, we were all overwhelmed. But when she got sick . . .” She sniffed and swallowed against the tears clogging her throat. “None of us expected . . .” Oh, why did it have to hurt so much? Madysen cleared her throat. “It broke our hearts. I don’t know how we are going to make it without her, she was . . . she was everything.” She stiffened and tried to push the overwhelming grief aside. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to talk about Mama, but I find it always comes to the surface.” Madysen lifted her chin and wiped at her nose. “But that’s not what is most pressing right now.”

  Granny patted her knee. “I’m here to listen whenever you need me. Grief is a crafty beast. Takes you by surprise at the most inopportune moments. So don’t worry, we can talk about your sweet mother whenever the time is right. What is it that’s troubling you?”

  With a nod, Madysen took a sip of tea. The steam swirled around her face and calmed her. “Our father showed up the day Mama died.”

  The china teacup chinked against the saucer as Granny set it down. Her brows rose. “Oh, gracious. Child, I thought he died years ago.”

  “We did too.” Embarrassment mixed with anger in her middle, which made the tea feel sour and unpleasant in her stomach. “But apparently after one of his drunken spells, our grandfather had enough. He found him in the street half-dead and made a plan. He offered our father money to sign divorce papers and disappear so that Mama could be free of him. Then he told everyone that Dad died. The whole town thought so.” Madysen watched Granny’s face, but after the initial shock, there was no reaction to the scandalous news. It helped to calm Madysen’s nerves.

  “Did your mother know?” Her voice was soft. Caring.

  “I don’t know for sure.” Poor Mama. What must she have gone through all these years? “But I think she found out later that Dad was still alive.” How could she even say it? It was so embarrassing. Best to just spit it out. “Dad had . . . well . . . he had another family. Apparently, at the same time he was with our family.”

  “I see.” Granny sat back again. She never broke eye contact. Never made a face that showed she disapproved of her father’s conduct. No condemnation. No horror. Just compassion and love. Her beautiful eyes shone bright with tears. “Go on.”

  “The woman he was . . . with—” Madysen cleared her throat against the uncomfortable conversation—“was pregnant with their third child when Gr
anddad sent him off as dead.” She rubbed her forehead. This was incredibly difficult to talk about, but she needed to get it off her chest. “This second wife is now dead. Dad came up here to find his brother-in-law and to try to mend things with us. But he arrived too late. Mama was already gone. He came to the funeral because he said we couldn’t deny him that, but when Havyn and John married, we thought it was best to ask him not to come because we just didn’t know what to do with this new situation.”

  Her words spilled out faster and faster. “Then I felt sorry for Dad and invited him to my birthday party. Which was a mistake because I don’t think any of us handled it very well. Especially me. My parting words to him were quite ugly.” She put a hand to her chest. If only she could go back and change so many pieces of the last few months.

  Granny tilted her head, a sheen of tears glistening. “My dear, I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you’ve had to endure. This hasn’t been an easy time for you.” She pointed a finger toward the ceiling and smiled. “But isn’t it wonderful that the good Lord has given you a second chance with your father?”

  Of course, Granny would see it that way. Maybe she should feel that way too, but she couldn’t. Not yet. “I’m hoping to eventually have that perspective. But when he showed up and wanted to tell us everything . . . well, it made me mad. He betrayed all of us. He left us. Without a care.”

  She stood to her feet and wanted to stomp them, but resisted the urge. “The money and the drink were what was important to him. And apparently, his other woman threatened to leave him as well until she finally got him to sober up. It makes me wonder why we weren’t good enough for him to sober up for? Why couldn’t he have done that for his first family? And what do we do now? With the loss of Mama so fresh, I’m sorry, but it’s hard to forgive him.”

  There, she said it. Then covered her face with her hands. She was so ashamed of how she felt, but she wanted to be mad. At him. It was all his fault. So she allowed the anger to build. She flung her arms out. “I know what you must think of me. Everyone always raves that I have the gift of mercy. ‘Madysen’s so merciful,’ ‘look at how merciful her heart is.’”