Endless Mercy

by Tracie Peterson

“Why is that?”

  “You’re . . . well, you’re more petite, so you won’t be able to straddle the ewe. My mother always preferred straddling because it offered her more control over the animal, but we can adjust. You’ll have to stand over here.” He moved her into position. “All right, take the pot and start milking. Very similar to cows, just be vigilant in watching the ewe because you don’t want her going to the bathroom in the milk.”

  “It can’t be that difficult.” Madysen went to work, but because of her height, she was at a weird angle. “Nothing is happening.”

  The ewe must have sensed Madysen’s frustration and kicked the pot over.

  “I know, I know. I’m trying.” She picked up the pot and went back into position. “You are my sheep, you know my voice, so this shouldn’t be a problem for you.”

  Daniel did his best to not laugh. Between Madysen trying to convince the sheep that she knew what she was doing, and the ewe completely not caring, it was like watching an awkward dance between milker and sheep.

  The sheep now had her leg in the pot. Which didn’t seem to please her very much.

  “Be still. I’m trying to help you.” Madysen knelt beside the sheep.

  Daniel couldn’t contain his mirth any longer. His laughter spilled out. “I’m sorry. I just wish you could see this. It’s almost as funny as—”

  “No, don’t say it.” A smile split her face. “Remember, you’re not supposed to bring that up ever again.” And then she started laughing along with him.

  He stepped up to Madysen’s side and got her in position once again. This time, he put his hand over hers on the teat and showed her how to press high into the udder. “Most lambs butt up against the udder when they’re feeding, and this simulates that so the ewe relaxes to give milk.” Their close proximity made him very aware of her. Her scent. The softness of her skin. Her hair tickling his face.

  “Oh, I see. Look! Milk!” Her enthusiasm fed his soul.

  He stayed close with his hand on top of hers as she continued to milk. “You’re doing great. I think you’re getting the hang of it.”

  “I am!” She turned, and their faces were mere inches apart.

  Oh, to stay right there, gazing into those brown eyes. But he pulled back and smiled. “You did great. Now you just repeat that one hundred times or so.”

  She pulled out the pot of milk and laughed. “It’s a good thing we have help. Otherwise, I would be in trouble.”

  “Ready to try again?” He released the ewe from the head gate and rubbed down its sides.

  “Excuse me.”

  They turned to find a kid in the doorway.

  “I was told to come here to find a Miss Madysen Powell?”

  “I’m Miss Powell.” Madysen brushed off her apron and went toward the boy.

  “These are for you.” He pulled a bunch of hothouse roses from behind his back. “And here’s the card.” The boy gave a brief smile and, after Madysen took the gifts, ran out the door.

  Daniel held his breath.

  She read the card and then put it up against her chest. “How romantic.” Turning to face him, her smile practically lit up the room. “They’re from Buddy.”

  “So it’s Buddy now, huh? He sure is trying hard to impress you.”

  “I know you think it’s premature and that I don’t know enough about where he was born and who his parents are, but . . . I think I might be in love with him.”

  Daniel didn’t like the sound of that. He made a bit too much noise as he put things away. “If you were really in love, you wouldn’t think it ‘might’ be . . . you’d know.”

  “That’s not true. I’m new at this. And he’s only come to visit a few times, and don’t go getting mean again. I don’t want to fight.” If she stuck out her bottom lip, she’d look like a little kid.

  Maybe she needed a little push. “Okay, so what does your family think about him? They know you better than anyone else.”

  “They don’t know him very well. Not yet. When he visits, he usually has enough time to see me, and that’s it.” She leaned in and sniffed the flowers.

  “So he hasn’t spent any time with your family? Don’t you find that a little odd?”

  With a huff, she marched right up to him and tapped his chest with her finger. “No. I don’t. But what I do find odd is that you seem determined to stick your nose into the middle of my business.”

  “I thought that’s what friends did? Because they care.” She could aggravate him like no one else. “Would you rather I just let you do whatever you want? Not care if you go off and make stupid decisions?” He swiped a hand down his face and clenched jaw. Perhaps that was over the line. He really needed to tame his mouth sometimes.

  Too late.

  “You think I’m stupid?” She stepped even closer and had to tilt her head back to look at him. “How dare you, Daniel Beaufort. Maybe we shouldn’t be friends after all.”

  Several days of snow had kept Madysen from doing what she wanted to do, which was to talk to Granny. While Whitney was thrilled with all the white stuff on the ground, Havyn and Madysen weren’t quite ready. They still had lots of preparation to do for their animals, and the weather was quite pleasant before the snow fell.

  But late fall was here with its chilly temps. And snow.

  She found Havyn in the kitchen, stirring some fish stew. “I’m going to head over to Granny’s for a visit.”

  “Please give her my love.”

  “I will.”

  “Maddy?” Havyn set the spoon down and walked over to her. “Are you all right? It seems we haven’t talked a lot lately, and we’re all so busy . . .” Her words drifted off in . . . disappointment?

  Tears sprang to Madysen’s eyes, and she went to her sister and hugged her. “I love you, Havyn. And I love you for asking. We were all so close before Mama died. Nothing has seemed right since we lost her. It’s like we’re simply existing—getting through each day as best we can. And yet, you’re married now, which has changed things. I guess we haven’t had the time or energy to deal with everything.” She pulled back. “So to answer your question, I think I’m all right. But half the time, I don’t understand what I’m feeling.”

  Havyn grabbed her hands. “You do realize that if you left us, we’d never be the same. I don’t know if I could handle you not being here. You’re precious to me, Maddy, and I don’t want to lose you too.” Tears streamed down her sister’s cheeks.

  “You’re not going to lose me, Havyn. But there’s this little dream I’ve had of touring and performing in honor of Mama. I want the world to know about her and what she did for us—with us. I want the memory of her to go on and on.” And why would God have brought Buddy along at just the right time if she wasn’t supposed to go? It only made sense that God had given her this open door, no matter how hard it would be to walk through.

  “But it will, Maddy. With us. We’re the ones who will keep her memory alive. We’re the ones who will honor her name. The world won’t care about her. They might come to hear you, but they won’t remember her.”

  Madysen frowned. “But I will. Is it wrong for me to try and keep her memory alive?”

  “Of course it’s not wrong to want to keep your love for her alive. But, Maddy, that’s something few can appreciate. Just us who knew her. Strangers will never care about Mama.” Havyn gave Maddy’s hands a squeeze. “Is that what you really want to do?”

  Was it? She looked out the window. “I honestly don’t know, Havyn. But I do know that I want to be loved. And I want to look forward to the future. Right now, it’s hard to see through the fog.” Whenever her sisters questioned her on this, she dug in her heels. Was it only because she wanted to stand up to them? Wanted them to respect her?

  “Grief has a funny way of doing that to us, doesn’t it?” Havyn said. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you. I know we’ve all had so much change that we’re not quite sure what to do with ourselves, but we should sit down and spend more time with each other.
” Havyn leaned in and hugged her.

  For a moment, Madysen closed her eyes and stayed in the embrace, and it felt like Mama was hugging all her troubles away. “You mean our practicing music doesn’t count?” Madysen hoped the teasing would cheer her sister up.

  “I guess it counts a little, since we’re technically together, but we haven’t done much more than prepare for our concerts at the Roadhouse.”

  A fun idea popped into her head. “What if we were to hold a small concert here? For Granddad! We could have it as a celebration of sorts since he’s getting stronger all the time. And invite his close friends.”

  “Like a party!” Havyn smiled.

  “Yes. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  “Oh, it would. But when would we have it?”

  “Right away. And I can invite Buddy to join us as well. Daniel too.”

  An hour later, Madysen was on her horse, on the way to Granny’s. It had been fun to plan something with Havyn. Just like old times. Maybe her sister was right. Maybe it would lift all of their spirits and get them out of the cloud of sadness they all seemed to be in.

  So why didn’t anyone want to talk about it?

  At Granny’s, she hopped off her horse, tied him to the post, then went to the door and knocked.

  “Well, Maddy, what a joy to see you today. Come in, come in.” The older lady waved her in. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m doing well, how are you?” She took off her gloves and cape.

  “Enough of the chitchat, I can tell you have something on your mind.” Granny bustled into the other room. “Tea?”

  “Yes, please.” One of the things she loved about Granny—she always got to the point.

  Granny returned in short order with a tray of goodies and steaming cups of tea. “All right now, what seems to be troubling you?”

  Madysen took a cup of tea and glanced around. “Are we alone?”

  “Of course. The men are over at the store.”

  She let out a breath. “Oh, good.”

  “Child, come now, let’s hear it.”

  “How do you know when you’re in love?” There. She’d said it.

  “That’s a tricky one, my girl. There’s the affectionate kind of love that you might have for a baby or a pet, but I doubt that’s the kind you’re asking about. Then there’s the lusting kind of love, which makes you feel things that are reserved for married couples. And of course there’s the crush kind of love where you feel attracted to someone, or an idea of someone, and want love simply for the idea of love. But then . . . there’s the deep abiding, unconditional love that you want in a marriage partner. It grows over time even though you don’t see how it could because your heart is so full. But it does. Is that what you’re talking about?”

  Granny’s words sank into her mind. She desperately wanted that deep, abiding kind of love. “How do you know if it’s the unconditional love you talked about?”

  “Have you examined First Corinthians chapter thirteen?”

  “No. I don’t think so. Although the passage is familiar.”

  Granny reached over to the table beside the settee and picked up her Bible. “It says starting in verse four,

  ‘Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.’”

  She tapped the book in her lap. “I would examine every one of these qualifications of love and ask yourself if that is what you feel. And does that man feel the same for you in return?”

  Leaning back in the chair, Madysen folded her hands in her lap. Was that what she felt for Buddy?

  No, it wasn’t. But she didn’t know him well enough yet, and he seemed to fit her list. Didn’t that count for something? And didn’t lots of people get married without fully knowing their spouse? God had blessed many marriages that way. As long as they were joined in their faith––

  Were they? Where did Buddy stand with God . . . and why hadn’t she asked him about it?

  And how could she know if he felt that unconditional love for her? He’d given her fancy words and gifts, but nothing that helped her know anything about the man deep inside. Daniel had been right on that account.

  Daniel. Oh, that man could get her angrier than a stirred-up hornet’s nest. But he had been a true friend. Even though he probably wouldn’t come near her ever again after their heated words. Her heated words. So where did that leave her?

  “Is there someone in particular you want to talk about?” Granny’s eyes twinkled.

  “Hm?” She blinked several times.

  “I said, is there someone in particular you want to talk about?”

  Daniel. No, Buddy. She gave herself a mental shake.

  She could deal with her argument with Daniel later. At least Granny wouldn’t judge her or condemn her for her feelings about Buddy. “Yes, there is.” She took a deep breath. “It’s Mr. Merrick. He’s shown me a lot of attention and has given me some lovely gifts. I think maybe he loves me—maybe that he’s even thinking of proposing. Something he said recently sounded an awful lot like a proposal.” She looked down at the table. “But I’m so inexperienced, I wouldn’t know if it was unless he just spoke it plainly.”

  “And shouldn’t he . . . speak it plainly?” Granny tapped the table with an arthritic finger. “Shouldn’t he tell you exactly what he’s feeling and thinking?”

  Madysen nodded. “He should, but maybe he feels like I do. I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

  “How would you describe it?”

  “Exciting? New? It makes me feel special when he brings me gifts and comes out just to see me.”

  “How well do you know this man?” The older woman took a sip of her tea.

  “Like I said, we’ve spent time together, but there’s still a lot of conversations to be had.” Daniel’s words came back to haunt her, and the more she said things out loud, the more she doubted herself. “I think we need to spend a lot more time together.”

  “Does Mr. Merrick want to settle down in Nome? I thought he was a traveling performer?”

  “No. And he is. He’s talking about taking me on tour so I can sing and play my cello in front of larger audiences. He thinks I’m very talented.”

  Granny tilted her head and smiled. “You don’t need Mr. Merrick to tell you that you’re talented, Madysen Powell. You know very well that God gave you and your sisters an abundance of talent.”

  “I know. I guess I’m just wondering if this is all there is? Is this what I want out of life? To stay here and be with my family in Nome. To continue playing at the Roadhouse. Take care of my sheep. Help Granddad with the farm . . .”

  “Why do you sound so disappointed?”

  “I don’t know. That was all I ever wanted before . . .”

  “You’ve suffered a great deal of turmoil and grief.” Granny patted her hand.

  “I guess I don’t really know what I want anymore. What if this is God’s will for my life? It’s not like I went looking for this door to be opened.”

  “Why don’t we pray about it? The only way to know the truth is for us to bring it to the throne of grace.”

  Yes, of course. Granny was right.

  Madysen helped Granny down to her knees and then knelt beside her.

  Granny started. “Father, we come to You for direction and understanding, but first we come in love and praise. As Jesus said before raising Lazarus from the dead, we thank You that You have heard us. What a blessing to know we can come to You and that You hear us.”

  Madysen clutched her hands together. Why hadn’t she already prayed about this? She had worried over it, pondered it, and even discussed it with others, but she’d avoided bringing it to God. How very immature of her. No wonder her sisters treated her as they did. If she wanted to be respected as an adult, she really shoul
d handle things in a mature manner. That meant getting everything straight with the Lord.

  “Lord, in the situation of Madysen and Mr. Merrick, we know that love is a powerful thing and should never be treated lightly.”

  Had she treated love too casually? She thought of the gifts Buddy had given her. Trinkets that suggested deep, intimate feelings. His words hinted at such feelings, but he hadn’t really shown her anything of himself. Gracious, Daniel and her sisters were right. She knew nothing about this man, and yet she was considering leaving the protection of her family to go away with him. What had gotten into her?

  “Keep Maddy from making poor choices. Lead and guide her. And help us to understand and accept her decisions. As a grown woman, we need to accept that there may be a path for Maddy that isn’t one we might have chosen for her. If You are truly leading her away from Alaska, then comfort us. Put our minds at peace.”

  Tears stung Madysen’s closed eyes. When Granny was done, she lifted her face to heaven. “Lord, please show me what You would have me do with my talents and abilities. I want to glorify You. And please protect my heart. Help me to understand Your unconditional love.”

  “Ahem.” Someone cleared his throat behind them.

  Madysen looked over her shoulder.

  Daniel.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but some of the earlier items you and John requested came in on the Corwin today. I’ll be taking stuff out to your farm as soon as . . . I can get help.”

  “I can help. I was about to head home myself. Or do you need someone stronger than me?” She lifted Granny to her feet.

  “No, Dad and I can load it. I just wasn’t sure if there would be anyone there to show me where you wanted everything.” He wouldn’t look at her, and he sounded . . . nervous.

  Drat her angry tongue. “Daniel, I need to apologize for—”

  “Don’t worry about it. We can talk about it later.” He let out a sigh. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “That our order has come in earlier than expected?” She furrowed her brow.

  “No.” He looked to his grandmother and then back to her. “Your father’s . . . family came in on the boat too. They were asking how to get out to your farm. But then your father came, and he’s loading them up to take to your home.”