Highly Illogical Behavior

by John Corey Whaley

  “Have you ever been scared shitless, though?” Clark asked. “Like, so scared that you can’t even think about ever taking a shit again. You’re just done. For life.”

  “You’re so gross,” Lisa said.

  “Have you?” Solomon asked Clark.

  “Oh yeah. This one time . . . I guess it was about a year ago . . . my friend TJ and I went in this doll room at his grandma’s house and I swear to you we saw one move.”

  “A doll?” Solomon asked.

  “Yeah. So, this room was filled floor to ceiling with those old creepy porcelain dolls. The ones with the evil eyes, you know, that follow you no matter where you go. She collected them. Must’ve been a real psycho because right when I stepped into that room, I felt the devil trying to get inside me.”

  “I don’t believe in the devil,” Solomon said.

  “Me neither,” Lisa added.

  “You haven’t seen what I’ve seen,” Clark said with true terror in his eyes.

  “He was really freaked out for a while,” Lisa said. “It was hilarious.”

  “I still can’t walk through the toy aisle at Target,” he said.

  “All right, I’m falling asleep,” Lisa said, stretching her arms out above her head. “Thanks for letting us hang out, Sol.”

  “Yeah, anytime,” he said.

  He smiled and reached his fist out to meet hers. This is how they always said good-bye, but he got suddenly nervous about doing it in front of her boyfriend. When their knuckles met, Clark set one hand on top of theirs and shouted One, two, three, break!

  “Weirdo,” Lisa said. “Say good-bye, Clark.”

  “Well, the night was too short, my friend,” Clark said, extending a hand to Solomon.

  “What are you guys doing tomorrow?” he asked just as his hand gripped Clark’s.

  “Oh, umm. . . .” Clark had a surprised look on his face.

  “Sorry,” Solomon said. “I mean. Thanks for coming.”

  “I’m free tomorrow,” Lisa said, looking Clark’s way with wide eyes.

  “Oh, yeah. Me too. It’s Saturday, though, so I’m sleeping like half the day but that’s it.”

  “Perfect,” Lisa said. “I’ll call when we’re on our way.”

  After they were gone, Solomon walked to his room and fell back onto the bed, letting his feet dangle off one side. It was pitch-black except for a faint red glow from his alarm clock. It was so quiet suddenly, like it had always been. And even though he was a little relieved to finally be alone, he replayed the entire night in his head. He’d made it through without any problems. But instead of celebrating it, Solomon felt his heart racing and his breathing picking up and his hands shaking. He turned and grabbed a pillow, pressing his face into it and trying to take deep breaths. And there in the darkness he rode it out as he heard his parents getting home. When the door slowly opened a few minutes later, he pretended to be asleep, his face still covered.

  • • •

  The next afternoon, Lisa and Clark came over around three and as soon as Solomon answered the door, they each held out gifts for him.

  “I thought I wasn’t in prison,” he said, blushing but trying to move past it.

  “Well, these are really for all of us,” Lisa said, holding up a plate covered in pink plastic wrap. It’s a secret recipe. Best brownies you’ll ever taste.”

  “It’s the truth,” Clark said. “And I brought some DVDs that are probably scratched up.”

  “Awesome. On all accounts. Come on in.”

  “Dude, are your parents ever home?” Clark asked, looking around.

  “All the time,” he answered. “They should be pulling up any minute, actually.”

  It didn’t take long before Solomon challenged them to a rematch at Munchkin. It was already set up and everything. He’d been such a nervous wreck all day waiting for them—pacing around the house and watching the clock—that he started planning out everything they’d do that afternoon. Games were first, of course, but then he thought maybe they’d watch a movie or something. Sure, that was something he could do alone, but ever since Lisa showed up, he’d come to appreciate seeing how she reacted to things—what made her laugh or cringe or get sad. After a movie, he was hoping they’d stay late enough to watch Saturday Night Live with him. His parents had given up on the show years before, but it was a weekly tradition that Solomon refused to let go of and he was determined to share it with someone.

  After their game, they all went to the kitchen to eat some leftover pizza from the night before. Solomon hoisted himself up onto the counter and Clark followed. Lisa sat on a swiveling bar stool and spun around slowly as they all talked and ate. And, for whatever reason, Clark decided to bring up dating—a topic Solomon wasn’t too sure he was ready for.

  “Okay . . . okay . . . but, like, don’t you want to go on dates and stuff?” Clark asked.

  Lisa suddenly stopped spinning and looked Solomon right in the eyes.

  “I don’t know,” he answered, caught a little off guard.

  “You don’t know?” Clark asked. “Look, there are lots of dudes out there, Sol. Lots of dudes.”

  “Yeah, but, I’m here. They’re there. It’s just how it is.”

  “Clark, leave it alone,” Lisa said.

  “All right. Sorry. Just, you’re a catch, man. Handsome. Funny. You’ve got all seven seasons of STTNG on DVD.”

  That made Solomon laugh and the red went out of his cheeks soon enough. This guy didn’t care if he was gay or straight or agoraphobic or anything. He was perfect. And he was probably the closest Solomon was ever going to get to a boyfriend. Which, despite sounding heartbreaking, actually felt like a real win for a kid who’d only been slightly out of the closet for a month.

  A few minutes later, Solomon’s parents got home and walked in on the three of them joking around and eating in the kitchen.

  “Troublemakers,” Solomon’s dad said.

  “Mom, Dad, this is Clark.”

  Clark hopped down from the counter and walked over to shake their hands.

  “Jason Reed. Nice to meet you,” Solomon’s dad said. “This is Valerie.”

  “Hi. So nice to meet you,” Clark said.

  “You have beautiful teeth,” Valerie said. “Do you floss?”

  “Every day,” he answered. “And I’ve never had a cavity.”

  “Good to hear,” she said. “Lisa, he’s a keeper.”

  “I see you guys are getting a pool,” Clark said. “What’s that, a standard eight footer?”

  “You looking to buy one yourself, Clark?” Jason asked with a grin.

  “I wish,” he answered. “I’ve been begging my mom for one since I was five.”

  “Come use ours anytime,” Valerie said.

  “Awesome.”

  “Yeah, even if you don’t like Solomon,” Jason joked.

  “Wow. Nice, Dad. You guys want to go watch a movie or something?”

  “Sure,” Lisa said.

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Clark said. “I brought Community so you could see the Dreamatorium.”

  “Awesome,” Solomon said.

  “Okay, you guys have fun with whatever all that means,” Valerie said. “I’ve got a Pat Conroy book that isn’t going to read itself.”

  “And I’ve got a lawn to mow,” Jason said, walking away in the opposite direction of his wife.

  “Dude, they’re awesome.”

  “Yeah, I like ’em okay,” Solomon said.

  “No, really. My mom’s a basket case, man. You’ve got it good.”

  “He’s right,” Lisa said. “You may suck at cards, but you definitely win the parent game.”

  “It’s too bad I’ve driven them so crazy,” he said. “They used to have fun. Used to go on trips and stuff. Last night was the longest they’ve been out in a while, aside fr
om work.”

  “They afraid to leave you alone?” Clark asked. “You seem pretty self-sufficient to me.”

  “It’s not that,” he said. “It makes them feel guilty or something. I don’t know. It’s like they’re holding out until I’m better.”

  “They don’t make you see a shrink?”

  “Used to,” Solomon said. “Came here once a week.”

  “When did that stop?” Lisa asked.

  “A little after the first year. She kept putting me on medicine that made me sick. I begged and begged and they finally told her to stop coming.”

  “I saw a therapist when I was younger,” Clark said. “I was scared to sleep in my room alone.”

  “That’s normal, though,” Lisa said.

  “Not when you’re twelve,” he added.

  “I asked my dad if I could try marijuana once,” Solomon blurted out.

  “Seriously? Dude, we go to high school in California. We can get you weed.”

  “Noted,” Solomon said. “So that’s why they call it high school?”

  “Boo,” Lisa said. “Try again.”

  “Okay . . . okay . . . umm . . . Upland? More like Highland!”

  Clark laughed, but Lisa just shook her head and tried not to smile. Solomon loved how she was always pretending like her sense of humor was above theirs when it was so clear to him that she loved every second of their stupid banter.

  At around two in the morning, after more games, an especially lame episode of SNL, and way too many bad jokes, Lisa finally stood up and said it was time to go. Clark seemed as bummed as Solomon, but they all had that middle-of-the-night sleepy look in their eyes. Solomon walked them to the door and they said their good nights. He wanted to ask when he’d see them next, but he got shy about it at the last minute and didn’t say anything. He couldn’t just invite them over every day and expect them to never say no.

  Lisa hugged him around the neck before she stepped outside and as he went to give Clark a handshake, he was met with a big squeeze around the shoulders. He didn’t know what to do or whether or not he should hug him back, so he just stood there with his arms limp and let it happen. Then Clark pulled away and had this huge smile on his face. “You’re all right, man,” he said.

  Solomon watched them from the door as they walked down the driveway and got into Lisa’s car. He waited as the engine turned on and the headlights lit up, giving them a wave as they backed out and drove off, his hand staying up in the air until they were out of sight. It hadn’t happened before, really, so he tried to think about something else to keep from freaking out. But it wouldn’t go away. He felt it. It was small and it was complicated, but he felt it all the same. He wanted to follow them. He wanted to walk outside and follow them into the world.

  SIXTEEN

  LISA PRAYTOR

  It had been a very important weekend so far and despite being dangerously sleepy, Lisa drove Clark home with a rush of energy and excitement pumping through her veins. She knew he was on board now, especially after seeing the way he’d hit it off with Solomon. Lisa was overwhelmed with the feeling that she’d done something great by introducing the two of them. Now they’d have each other to talk holodecks and spaceships and she’d have her ticket out of Upland. Everybody would win.

  “Thank you,” she said to Clark when they got to his dad’s.

  “For what?”

  “For this weekend. For not being too pissed at me to meet him.”

  “I’m still a little pissed,” he said, smiling. “But I had fun. It’s so . . . easy with him. Like I’ve known him forever. I think maybe I’ve been needing a Solomon Reed in my life.”

  “Is that right?”

  “He’s way better than my other options.”

  “I’ve met them, yes,” she said. “TJ was asking about you at school yesterday. He made some stupid joke about you being a ghost.”

  “Good,” he said. “I don’t have anything to say to those guys anymore.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because they’re jerks. Seriously, if they aren’t making fun of someone then they’re talking about whose girlfriend they want to bang.”

  “Gross.”

  “Yeah it is. And, look, I laugh sometimes. But then I feel like shit all day afterward. I’m not like them. And I don’t want to be.”

  “I don’t want you to be, either,” she said.

  “Well, while you’ve been hanging out with the coolest crazy person in history, I’ve been pretty much sitting around the house doing nothing. I know this is a big deal to you, but you can’t just disappear. What if I don’t get into a school near you, huh? You want to spend our last year together hanging out with someone else?”

  “Look, I’m sorry. But, now you can come with me. See? It works this way.”

  “So, it’s share you or be alone?” he asked, complete amazement in his eyes.

  “No. That’s not what I meant. Just, forgive me, okay? I’ll do better. I will.”

  “Fine. You know Janis is pissed at you, too, right?”

  “I have several unanswered texts that would indicate so.”

  “You should go see her,” Clark suggested. “I know she’s ridiculous, but you’ve been friends your whole lives.”

  “I haven’t even told her about Sol. Like, not a thing.”

  “Well, there’s only one way to fix that. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

  “She’ll want a boon,” she said. “Justice is very important to her.”

  “Me too,” he said, leaning over and kissing her forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Praytor.”

  The next day, Lisa woke up to a fight in the kitchen between her mother and Ron. This one was a doozy—slamming cabinets, yelling, a threat or two. She stayed in her room until it was over. But even then, she took her time going down the stairs, hoping to go undetected.

  “Lisa?”

  “Damn,” she said to herself, rounding the corner into the kitchen. “Yeah?”

  Her mom was sitting at the table in a silk robe and house slippers stirring a cup of coffee. This wasn’t going to be pleasant, Lisa knew, but she had to do it. She couldn’t just leave her mom alone like this, not after the fight she’d just heard.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, sitting down across from her.

  “Been better.”

  “I don’t really know what to say, Mom.”

  “I know, sweetie. Me neither.”

  “Did he leave?” Lisa asked, reaching for her mom’s cup of coffee and taking a sip.

  “Yep.”

  She started crying, holding her chin to her chest, but not moving a muscle. Just quiet little whimpers that made Lisa so angry. Why did she do this to herself? Why keep marrying the same man over and over again? Lisa didn’t know how she could still be so surprised. Ron was a carbon copy of the one before him. And Lisa was pretty sure they were both just less charming versions of her dad. Sometimes she wondered if maybe she was crying over him, after all these years—if every new guy was just a poor replacement for the first one who left her.

  Lisa reached a hand over and placed it on top of her mom’s. She held it there, her thumb gripping her mother’s fingers tightly, and then let go.

  “Let me tell you about Solomon,” she said, standing up to pour herself some coffee.

  “Who?”

  Lisa explained the whole situation to her mother, trying to distract her the only way she knew how—with something that closely resembled gossip. Her mom had wondered why she’d insisted on switching dentists, so this cleared some things up. Lisa, of course, left out the part about the scholarship essay. She couldn’t risk being talked out of it, not after everything had been falling into place so well. And now with Clark on her team, she felt like getting Solomon out of that house was inevitable.

  “Wait, wait,” her mom interrupt
ed. “You and Clark are hanging out with this kid?”

  “Yes. He needs us, believe me.”

  “What kind of parents let their child act that way? Never leaving the house? Not going to school? Sounds like he needs a beating to me.”

  “Wow, Mom.”

  “No one wants to go to school, Lisa. Most kids would stay home all day if you let them. That’s why you don’t let them.”

  “I told you, he has a legitimate mental illness, Mom. Be more sensitive, please.”

  “They say that about alcoholics, too. They have a disease. Yeah right. The rest of us are supposed to feel sorry for all the drunks? Gimme a break.”

  “You should write for Psychology Today or something. Very inspiring stuff.”

  “Sorry. Well, good for you. And Clark. Just don’t get into any trouble.”

  “Trouble? I don’t even think that’s possible with Solomon.”

  “I didn’t think it was possible with three different husbands, but look where I am now.”

  “With an intelligent, beautiful daughter and a stable job?”

  “Funny,” she said. “You know what I mean.”

  “Mom,” Lisa began, wanting so badly to just be honest, to tell her she had to stop looking for her happiness with these deadbeats. But she couldn’t do it. “I love you.”

  “I love you, sweetie. Want me to make you some lunch?”

  “No thanks. I’ve got to go talk to Janis. I’ve been neglecting her for weeks and I’m pretty sure she’s pissed at me.”

  • • •

  Janis Plutko worked in the Montclair Plaza Mall at a kiosk that sold perfume and Fossil watches. Before Solomon, Lisa would stop by several times a week and they’d eat cookies from the Great American Cookie Company in the food court and watch YouTube videos on their phones. On the rare occasion that Janis had a customer, Lisa would inundate them with free samples and usually end up talking them into at least buying something from the clearance rack. Janis always had her best sales days when Lisa showed up.

  “Hey, you,” Lisa said when she walked up to the kiosk. Janis turned her way and gave a sort of half smile.

  “Look, I know you’re pissed. Just let me take you to lunch so we can talk it out.”