Nothing Like Him

by Jessica Roe

It wasn’t my fault. People keep telling me that, yet I’m no closer to believing it.

  “I can’t even blame Phee for not wanting to be with me.” I accept another coffee from Zac. “I fucking ruined us. No matter what she says, it still feels like my fault.”

  There’s not much for any of us to say after that. I know they want to argue with me some more, but they know me well enough to understand that my opinion on this isn’t going to change.

  Normally we’d crack open a few beers right about now – our standard way of dealing when one of us is going through a crisis and needs to work through some shit – but we stick to coffee, because I’ve got a feeling my friends don’t want me drinking anymore. I’m starting to think they might be right about that. I’ve been using alcohol as a crutch and it’s becoming a real problem; a problem that’s affecting my life. It can’t go on.

  Instead, my friends are just. . .awesome. They comfort me not with words and false assurances, but by just being here for me, in the way that only the closest of friends can be. As I’ve always said, these guys here, they’re my real family.

  It’s not long before Ivy and Blair arrive home. Nash and Silver must have filled them in at some point because they say nothing. Wordlessly, the pair of them curl up on either side of me, holding onto my arms and resting their heads on my shoulders.

  And that’s how the seven of us remain for the rest of the night. We don’t sleep, don’t even really talk much. We’re just here, together. There’s no need for anything. We can just be.

  Things don’t suddenly feel like they’re going to be okay. I haven’t pulled myself from the darkness and nothing has been magically repaired just because I told them my biggest secret. But, for the first time since Phee walked back out of my life a week ago, I finally feel like I can breathe.

  Chapter 27

  Ophelia

  I’M SURPRISED WHEN Ivy turns up at the thrift store out of the blue one day, more surprised than I should be. But I hadn’t expected to see her again, sure that when Nathan told her what I’d said and done she’d hate me, just like she should. Just like they all should.

  Sat on the stool behind the counter, I watch in silent trepidation as she crosses the room, her face stony. She stops before me, leaning forwards against the counter, her hands spread out on the wooden surface between us.

  Suddenly I’m glad there are no other customers in the store; I could very well be about to face a complete beat down – Ivy always was fiercely protective when it came to her guys.

  “I should be mad at you,” she says, and the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding releases. I know immediately, just from those few words, that she doesn’t hate me like I thought she would. There’s no malice in her words. Hurt, yes. Malice, no. “I want to be mad at you so bad, but I know you, you dumb bitch. You didn’t mean a single one of those crappy things you said to Nathan. He’s too blinded by grief to see it himself right now, but I see it. I see you, and I know.”

  I swallow, unprepared for this. “Ivy, it’s complicated-“

  “I saw the way you looked at him when we were kids,” she interrupts, her voice growing louder with frustration. She flicks her blonde hair behind a shoulder. “and the way you look at him now. It’s the same. Exactly the frigging same. You love that dummy with all your heart.”

  Desperate to avoid her gaze because she sees far too much, I find a cloth from beneath the counter and stand so I can start wiping down the shiny wood. The repetitive movements remind me of cleaning the bar at Shark. God, I miss that place. “Yes, I do.”

  Suddenly Ivy is around my side of the counter, tugging the cloth from my hand. She wrings it between her fingers for a moment, before rolling her eyes at it and throwing it behind her head like it’s done something to personally offend her. “So why-“

  “If he’s told you everything, you already know.” And I don’t think I have the strength to talk about it again.

  She nods reluctantly, clearly having wanted to hear it from me. “He just spent the night at our place. We were all there with him.” And with that, the fight seems to leave her and she deflates. “He’s so broken, Phee. It’s like last time, only. . .worse.”

  Hearing that is like a stab wound to the chest. It won’t kill me quick, but it’ll bleed out, slowly and agonizingly. “Does he know you’re here?” I panic, wondering if he’s going to show up. I’m not sure I’d have the strength to turn him away again.

  “Are you kidding?” She cringes at the very idea. “He’d kick my butt all the way into next week if he found out.”

  “What do you. . . I have no idea what you want me to say.”

  She reaches out for my hand, squeezing. Her fingers are still cold from the weather outside, but they’re soft. “I want you to say you’ll reconsider. Don’t give up on him, on both of you. He needs you, Phee. And I think you need him too.”

  +++

  “PHEE DOESN’T BRING many friends over to visit,” Mom tells Ivy conspiratorially an hour later as the three of us have tea in her bedroom. Mom had wanted to have it downstairs at first, but she’d been feeling too weak to leave bed. “Eamon and his husband have been over for dinner once or twice, and I’ve had some lovely telephone conversations with the bubbly Nellie, but that’s it. It’s ever so nice to have you over.”

  “Thank you for having me,” Ivy replies, looking sad but doing her best to hide it. She’s sat cross legged on top of Mom’s covers comfortably. Often when people come to see mom they treat her like she’s an invalid, speak to her as if she’s a child, or deaf. Ivy does none of these things. She chats away to my mom as if the two of them have been friends for years.” I was worried about introducing them at first, not sure my mom would be comfortable meeting one of the friends I’d shared with Nathan, but she was surprisingly eager to get to know Ivy. I think she wants to know more about the part of my life that I kept hidden from her for so long. “You seem. . .well.”

  That’s a lie. Despite the new care, Mom’s health is rapidly deteriorating. Next week she’ll move into the hospital. It’s unlikely she’ll ever return home.

  Not long later, Mom tires and one of the nurses she now has taking care of her round the clock shoos us from the room so she can get some peaceful sleep. Ivy and I squeeze down together on the step by the front door, watching the sky turn from a pale blue to a bruised purple as the day begins to draw to a close.

  “She’s dying,” Ivy whispers, then turns to me with wide, horrified eyes. I don’t think she meant to say it out loud. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

  I shake my head; she has nothing to be sorry for. “It’s okay, it’s not like I didn’t know.”

  “It’s just, obviously I knew, but seeing it with my own eyes is different. It makes it real. Phee, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “But I. . . You’re dealing with all of this and I came to you to. . . I was all. . .” She blinks rapidly. “I understand now. I get it, despite myself. I understand why you’re doing what you’re doing even if I don’t like it. I would do anything in the whole world for my mom. Phee, you’re one of the strongest, bravest people I’ve ever met. You’re coping so much better than I ever could.”

  She’s wrong about that one. I’m not coping, not at all. I’m barely even existing these days – I’m just exceptional at pretending. “I don’t feel brave,” I admit, shrinking in on myself. “or strong.”

  “Well you are,” she insists, leaning her head against mine. She leaves it there. I feel comfortable with Ivy in a way I’ve only ever felt with Nellie and it’s nice.

  “Thank you.”

  Taking my hand again, she says, “You understand that I’m every bit as much your friend as I am his, right?” I’m grateful she doesn’t say his name again. Hearing it does painful things to my insides. “No matter what happens between the two of you, I’ll always be here for you.”

  I don’t have the words to express what that means to me, so I squeeze her hand but say no
thing at all, certain she already knows.

  We sit that way for a while, and I remain in the doorway long after Ivy leaves, staring up into the sky, seeing absolutely nothing at all.

  +++

  THE PAST COUPLE of weeks have been hard. Pretending like everything is completely fine and normal in front of Mom has been difficult at best, but I’ve managed to do it. She has no idea of the inner turmoil I’m repressing, or of anything that’s happened, and that’s how I intend to keep it. Mom doesn’t need to know what I’m giving up, doesn’t need the extra stress. She needs to be happy. So I keep my reconnection with Nathan a secret, and my problems with Seth too. He’s an amazing guy, and he’s big enough not to let on anything is wrong. As far as Mom and Dad are concerned, Seth and I are as happy and secure as an engaged couple should be. If not for the three or four desperate phone calls with Nellie every day, I might have fallen completely apart.

  Aunt Ellie, on the other hand, was less easy to fool. In the end I had to admit everything. She’d looked troubled, but not about what I’d have expected.

  “Seth is an amazing man and you know I adore him,” she’d said quietly, biting her lip. “But I always thought that he was. . .too safe for you. And I didn’t like the idea of you settling because you were afraid of something more. Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”

  Her words shocked me, but I’d assured her I was, and that I would be fine. I would be happy.

  I could only hope that to one day be true.

  But Mom is able to rest easy with the knowledge that after she’s gone, her daughter has a kind, stable man to watch out and care for of her. What more could a mother ask for, right? It makes her worry less about what will happen to me when she’s not around, and that’s all that matters to me. I couldn’t take that from her.

  And even though it doesn’t seem like the new healthcare will heal her like we’d almost dared to hope, Mom is at peace. She’ll die with peace in her heart and that’s all I want for her now.

  When Micah shows up to be with her in her final weeks, Mom’s life is complete. Her soul is restored, her heart finally mended.

  He spends an entire day up in the bedroom with her. I hear the sounds of laughter and tears, and it’s beautiful.

  “I’ve been living up some goddamned mountain these past few months,” Micah explains later when we’re alone in the kitchen. “helping a guy build his dream home from scratch. Obviously there was no reception up there, so I thought fuck it, it’d be great to vanish for a while. To be completely free. So like a jack ass I just left my cell behind.

  “I got home a few days ago and heard all your messages. . .” He shakes his head, eyes wet. “I’m so sorry, Phee. I should’ve been here. You never should’ve had to cope here all alone. The second I heard your messages I packed up and grabbed the first flight I could. I can’t believe. . .I can’t believe I’ve missed this time with her. Not just these few months, but all these years. . .”

  “I know.” I nod. “Me too. We wasted so much time. And for what? None of the past seems to matter anymore.”

  Mom forgave Micah for not being here the second she saw him. He’s braving the place he was tortured in, made a social pariah in, for her. Nothing else mattered but that. Of course she forgave him. Him coming back here means the world to her. And to have her whole family reunited once more, finally. . . It was all she ever could have asked for.

  And I forgave Micah too, the second I saw him walking up that drive. He’s made mistakes, big ones, but so have I. God, so have I.

  Still in the kitchen, he opens his arms for me and I fall into them without any hesitation. He’s gotten so big. Taking after our father, he’s grown taller than almost anyone I know, and working hard, mostly outdoors, has built him solid, like a wall. But apart from that he hasn’t changed much. He still has the same dark brown hair and eyes, the same cleft in his chin, the same smile. He’s handsome; movie star handsome, despite his ruggedness.

  I’m so unbelievably happy to have him here with me again. Even after all these years, he’s still my big brother, and being cocooned inside his warm embrace makes me feel. . .safe.

  I feel safe.

  MY HIGH SCHOOL graduation was the last time I’d gotten to see Micah in person. He’d shown up, even when my parents hadn’t, and it had meant more than anything else could have. He stayed with Aunt Ellie and me for a few days. It was awesome. Perfect. Like the two of us had never been apart.

  Gone was the messed up drug abuser, but so was the boy he’d been before that. The man he’d become had been shaped from pain and loneliness, and it reflected in his eyes like two burning beacons of lost hope. But he was still Micah. He was still my big brother.

  We spent every minute of every day together, and it was the most fun I’d had since being sent away. A little part of the old Phee came out those few days, the part that remembered how to laugh and smile and enjoy life again. Things were just. . .light and easy away from all the stress and memories that came along with Norson Lake. We could be free now we were both away from that place.

  But then I had to go and ruin it. I brought up the damned letter.

  I don’t know what possessed me to do it when we were having such an amazing time together, but all I’d wanted to do was tell him I didn’t blame him, that if he needed forgiveness he could have all of mine. I didn’t judge him; never had and never would. He was my big brother and I would always love him more than life.

  But bringing up the past only served to ruin what little time together we had. Clearly Micah hadn’t been able to let go of the past in the years he’d been away, of the things that had happened back then. He was still holding the past close and letting it own him, rule him.

  In a way, I was doing exactly the same thing.

  Micah hadn’t come to terms with anything, and the moment I stupidly brought the letter up, he closed off. He put up an impenetrable icy wall that I couldn’t get through and he shut me out.

  He was gone the next day, and I never saw him again after that. I’m not sure what it was that kept him away. Guilt? Shame? Anger? Or maybe it was just me. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me if I didn’t have to either.

  I did my best to stay in contact with him over the years, but the most I got were the occasional phone call or email to let me know he was alive and well, brief updates on his life, check-ups to make sure I was okay. He moved constantly, never staying in one place more than a few months, and finding his stubborn ass before he’d picked up and left town again was impossible.

  I’d lost my brother all over again.

  BUT NOW MICAH is back. My big brother is home.

  “I’m so sorry,” he apologizes into my hair, over and over again, pressing his nose against the top of my head. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a distant ass all these years. Being alone was my fucked up way of coping. A way to punish myself, I guess. I needed to be able to hate myself, and you’ve always been the one bright thing in my life. I didn’t hate myself so much when you were around, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.”

  “That’s dumb,” I say with a sniffle, pressing my face into his plaid shirt.

  “I know.”

  But despite my words, I understand. After all, I’ve had my own way of coping with my past that hasn’t exactly been healthy. Like becoming an entirely different person to who I really am, for example.

  “When I heard about Mom being sick,” he continues, pulling back and wiping his damp cheeks with the palms of his hands. “it was an eye-opener. All I could think about was how short life is, how finite our time together is, and how much damned time I’ve wasted in seclusion. People who love each other should be there for one another. I’m gonna be here for you from now on, lil sis. I’ll make up for everything, to you, and to Mom and Dad too. No matter what.”

  I have every right to resent him, I know that. But I don’t. Can’t. Won’t. Because he’s right, life is short. I could never resent my big brother, still so filled with pain, despite the b
rave face he’s putting on. He still isn’t over his past, but he came here to be with us anyway in the one place that holds the worst memories for him.

  He’s been without his family for so many years and I can’t even begin to imagine how lonely that must have been for him, never settling in any one place long enough to form connections, make true friends, fall in love. At least I had Aunt Ellie and Nellie, and I feel luckier for that than ever. They gave me a reason to keep on living. There was no one around to do that for Micah.

  I forgive him. Was there ever any doubt?

  A throat clears in the kitchen doorway, and the pair of us turn in unison to see Dad standing there, watching. For a moment I worry, scared Dad will be his usual gruff and grumpy self and ruin things, mutter something that will make Micah run again. But he says nothing. He simply steps inside the kitchen, pulls us both to his chest, and holds us tight.

  Chapter 28

  Ophelia

  MOM AND DAD request a little alone time before she moves permanently to the hospital, so Aunt Ellie gathers up Micah, Seth and I with the promise of a nice family dinner out, allowing my parents some peace for a few hours. Dad puts on such a stoic face all the time that sometimes I almost forget how painful this is for him; having to watch as the love of his life, the mother of his children, fades away before his very eyes. Soon she’ll be gone, and he’ll be left here to try and make sense of a world that no longer has her in it.

  Micah’s not yet ready to face being out in public in Norson Lake so we make the drive out to one of our neighboring towns. I’ve always liked Cherinsville; they keep themselves to themselves, don’t even really participate in the whole high school football rivalry like the rest of us. They’re pretty neutral, as far as towns go.

  We choose an old, Irish style pub to get some food in, because as soon as she sees the place Aunt Ellie declares it quaint and claims to see an aura of positive energy hovering all around the building.