The Blunders of a Bashful Man
Page 10
CHAPTER X.
HE CATCHES A TROUT AND PRESENTS IT TO A LADY.
"Some achieve greatness; some have greatness thrust upon them." Ithink I have achieved greatness. Of one thing I am convinced: that itis only necessary to do some one thing _well_--as well or better thanany one else--in order to acquire distinction. The thing I do reallywell--better than any living human being--is to blunder. I defycompetition. There are champion tight-rope dancers, billiard players,opera singers, swindlers, base-ballists, candidates for thePresidency. I am the champion blunderer. You remember the man whoasked of another, "Who is that coarse, homely creature across theroom?" and received for answer, "That creature is my wife!" Well, I_ought_ to have been that man, although in that case I did not happento be. My compliments always turn out to be left-handed ones; all myremarks, all my efforts to please are but so many never-ending_faux-pas_.
As a general seeks to retrieve one defeat by some act of unparalleledbravery, so had I sought to wipe out from the memory of the lovelypair whom I escorted, my shameful failure to hang myself, by gallantlypitching over the fence the fellow who had made himself too familiarwith the fairer of the two; and, as a _matter of course_, he turnedout to be her favorite brother.
He was a good-natured fellow, after all--a perfect gentleman; and whenI stammered out my excuses, saying that I had mistaken him for atramp, he laughed and shook hands with me, explaining that he was inhis fishing costume, and saying very handsomely that were his dearsister ever in such danger of being insulted, he hoped some person asplucky as I would be on hand to defend her. This was applying coldcream to my smarting self-love. But it did not prevent me fromobserving the sly glances exchanged between the girls, nor prevent myhearing the little bursts of suppressed giggling which they pretendedwere caused by the funny motions of the hay-cutter in a neighboringfield. So, as their brother could show them the way to Widow Cooper's,I said good-morning rather abruptly. He called me back, however, andasked if I would not like to join him on a fishing tramp in themorning. I said "I would, and I knew all the best places."
Then we shook hands again, while the young ladies smiled like angels;but I had not more than turned a bend in the road, which hid me fromview, than I heard such shrieks and screams of laughter as turned mytwo ears into boiled lobsters for the remainder of the day.
But, spite of my burning ears, I could not get mad at those girls.They had a right to laugh at me, for I had, as usual, made myselfridiculous. I was head over ears in love with Blue-Eyes. The feeling Ihad once cherished toward Belle Marigold, compared with my suddenadoration of this glorious stranger, was as bean-soup to the condensedextract of beef, as water to wine, as milk to cream, as mush tomince-pie.
I do not think I slept a wink that night. My room was suffocating, andI took a pillow, and crawled out on the roof of the kitchen, justunder my window, and stretched myself out on the shingles, and winkedback at the stars which winked at me, and thought of the bright,flashing eyes of the bewitching unknown. I resolved to seek heracquaintance, through her brother, and never, never to blunder again,but to be calm and cool like other young men--calm, cool, andpersistent. It might have been four o'clock in the morning that I cameto this determination, and so soothing was it, that I was able to takea brief nap after it.
I was awakened by young Knickerbocker, the lady's brother, ticklingthe soles of my feet with a rake, and I started up with such violencefrom a sound sleep, that I slipped on the inclined plane, rolled downto the edge, and went over into a hogshead of rain-water justunderneath.
"A capital way to take your morning bath," smiled Knickerbocker."Come, Mr. Flutter, get out of that, and find your rod and line, andcome along. I have a good breakfast in this basket, which we will eatin some dewy nook of the woods, while we are waiting for a nibble. Theearly bird catches the worm, you know."
"I'll be with you in a moment," I answered with a blank grin,determined to be cool and composed, though my sudden plunge hadsomewhat dazed me; and scrambling out of the primitive cistern, Iregained the roof by means of a ladder standing against a cherry-treenot far away.
Consoling myself with the idea that this early adventure was an_accident_ and not a _blunder_, I hastily dressed, and rejoined my newfriend, with rod and line, and a box of flies.
We had a delightful morning. Knickerbocker was affable. Alone in thesolitudes of nature with one of my own sex, I was tolerably at home,and flattered myself that I appeared to considerable advantage,especially as I really was a skillful angler, and landed two trout tomy friend's landing one. By ten o'clock we each had a lovely string ofthe speckled beauties, and decided to go home for the day, returningon the morrow.
The path we took out of the woods came into the highway just in frontof the Widow Cooper's. I knew it, but I felt quite cool, anddetermined to make some excuse to catch another glimpse of mycompanion's sister. I had one splendid fish among my treasures,weighing over two pounds, while none of his weighed over a pound. Iwould present that trout to Flora Knickerbocker! I would ask her tohave the cook prepare it for her special delectation.
We emerged upon the lawn and sauntered up to the front of the house,where some half-dozen ladies were sitting on the long porch, doingworsted-work and reading novels. I saw my charmer among them, and, asshe looked up from the book she was reading, and shot at me amischievous glance from those thrilling eyes, I felt my coolnessmelting at the most alarming rate.
How I envied the easy, careless grace with which my friend saunteredup to the group! Why should I not be as graceful, as easy? I wouldmake a desperate effort to "assume a virtue if I had it not." I, too,sauntered elegantly, lifted my hat killingly, and approached mycharmer just as if I didn't realize that I was turning all the colorsof the chameleon.
"Miss Knickerbocker," I began, "will you deign to accept the championtrout of the season?"
The string of glistening fish hung from the fine patent rod which Icarried over my shoulder. I never could undo the tangle of how it allcame about; but, in my embarrassment, I must have handled things notquite so gracefully as I intended--the line had become unwound, andthe hook dangling at the end of it as I attempted to lower the rodcaught in my coat collar behind, and the more I tugged the more itwould not come out. I flushed and jerked, and tried to see the back ofmy head, while the ladies smiled encouragingly, rendering me more andmore desperate, until I gave a fearful twitch, and the barb cameflying out and across the porch, striking a prim maiden lady on thehead.
More and more confused, I gave a sudden pull to relieve the lady, andsucceeded in getting a very queer bite indeed. At first I thought, inmy horror, that I had drawn the whole top of the unfortunatespinster's head off; but a second frightened look showed me that itwas only her scalpette, or false front, or whatever the dear creaturescall a half-wig, all frizzes and crimps. Almost faint with dismay atthe glare of anger in the lady's eyes, and the view of the bald whitespot on top of her head, I hurriedly drew the thing toward me toremove it from the hook, when a confounded little Spitz, seeing thespot, and thinking, doubtless, I was playing with him, made a dash atthe wig, and in less time than it takes to tell it, that thing ofbeauty was a wreck forever. Its unfortunate owner, with a look whichnearly annihilated me, fled up-stairs to her apartment.
Nor was my discomfiture then ended. That Spitz--that preciousSpitz--belonged to Blue-Eyes; I tried to coax him to relinquish hisgame; he would not be persuaded, and, in the ardor of his pursuit, heswallowed the cruel hook. I had wanted to present her with a trout,and had only succeeded in hooking her favorite pet--"her darling, herdear, dear little Spitzy-witzy," as she called him, in tones ofmingled endearment and anguish, as she flew to rescue him from hiscruel fate.
"Oh, what can I do?" she sobbed, looking up at her brother.
"Cut him open and remove the hook," he answered gravely; "there is noother possible way of relieving the poor fellow."
"I wish _I_ had swallowed it," I murmured, bitterly, throwing my fishinto the grass of the lawn, and pulling at my mustache desperat
ely inmy despair of ever doing as other people do.
"I really wish you had," snapped Blue-Eyes, satirically, and with thatI walked off and left them to take Spitz from around that fish-hookthe best way they could.
I don't imagine I left many female friends on that porch, nor did Isee any of the Widow Cooper's boarders again for a week, when we werebrought together, under rather peculiar circumstances at a circus.