The Blunders of a Bashful Man
Page 18
CHAPTER XVIII.
HE OPENS THE WRONG DOOR.
My mother and the ancient lady who presided over the mysteries of myinitiation as a member of the human fraternity, say that I was bornwith a caul over my face. Now, what I want to know is, why didn't theyleave that caul where they found it? What business had they to meddlewith the veil which beneficent nature gave me as a shield to myinfirmity? Had they respected her intention, they would have let italone--poked a hole in it for me to eat and breathe through, and leftthe veil which she kindly provided to hide my blushing face from theeyes of my fellow-creatures.
Nature knew beforehand that I was going to be born to be bashful.Therefore she gave me a caul. Had this been respected as it shouldhave been, I could have blossomed out into my full luxuriance as a_cauli_flower whereas now I am an ever-blooming peony.
When I rushed home after recovering from the fainting fit into whichmy hiding under the bed had driven me, I threw myself down in hesanctity of my private apartment and howled and shrieked for that caulof my infancy. But no caul came at my call. That dried and witheredthing was reposing somewhere amid the curiosities of an old hag'sbureau-drawer.
Then I wildly wished that I were the veiled prophet of Khorassan. Butno! I was only bashful John Flutter, the butt and ridicule of a littlemeddling village.
I knew that this last adventure would revive the memory of all myprevious exploits. I knew the girls would all go to see each other thenext day so as to have a good giggle together. Worse than that, I knewthere would be an unprecedented run of custom at the store. Therewouldn't be a girl in the whole place who wouldn't require somethingin the dry-goods line the coming day; they would come and ask for pinsand needles just for the heartless fun of seeing _me_ enduring thepangs of mental pins and needles.
So I resolved that I would not get up that morning. The breakfast-bellrang three times; mother came up to knock at my door.
"Oh, I am so sleepy, mother!" I answered, with a big yawn; "you knew Iwas up last night. Don't want any breakfast, just another little nap."
So the good soul went down, leaving me to my wretched thoughts. Atnoon she came up again.
"John, you had better rise now. Father can't come to dinner there's somany customers in the store. Seems as if there was going to be a ballto-night again; every girl in town is after ribbon, or lace, orhair-pins, or something."
"I can't get up to-day, mother. I'm awfully unwell--got a highfever--_you'll_ have to go in and lend father a helping hand"; and soshe brought me a cup of tea and a piece of toast, and then went up totake father's place while he ate his dinner.
I _guess_ she suspected I'd been done for again by the way those youngwomen laughed when she told them I was sick in bed: for she was prettycross when I sneaked down to tea, and didn't seem to worry about how Ifelt. Well, I kept pretty quiet the rest of the season. There weredances and sleighing parties, but I stayed away from them, andattended strictly to business.
I don't know but that I might have begun to enjoy some peace of mind,after the winter and part of the spring had passed without any veryawful catastrophe having occurred to me; but, some time in the latterpart of May, when the roses were just beginning to bloom, andeverything was lovely, a pretty cousin from some distant part of theState came to spend a month at our house. I had never seen her before,and you may imagine how I felt when she rushed at me and kissed me,and called me her dear cousin John, just as if we had known each otherall the days of our lives. I think it was a constant surprise to herto find that I was bashful. _She_ wasn't a bit so. It embarrassed me athousand times more to see how she would slyly watch out of the cornerof her laughing eye for the signs of my diffidence.
Well, of course, all the girls called on her, and boys too, as tothat, and I had to take her to return their visits, and I was in hotwater all the time. Before she went away, mother gave her a largeevening party. I behaved with my usual elegance of manner, stepping onthe ladies' trains and toes in dancing, calling them by other people'snames, and all those little courtesies for which I was so famous. Ieven contrived to sit down where there was no chair, to the amusementof the fellows. My cousin Susie was going away the next day. I wasdead in love with her, and my mind was taken up with the intention oftelling her so. I had not the faintest idea of whether she cared forme or not. She had laughed at me and teased me mercilessly.
On the contrary, she had been very encouraging to Tom Todd, a younglawyer of the place--a little snob, with self-conceit enough in hisdapper body for six larger men. This evening he had been particularlyattentive to her. Susie was pretty and quite an heiress, so I knew TomTodd would try to secure her. He was just that kind of a fellow whocould propose to a girl while he was asking her out for a set of thelanciers, or handing her a plate of salad at supper. Alas, I could donothing of the kind. With all my superior opportunities, here the lastevening was half through, and I had not yet made a motion to securethe prize. I watched Tom as if he had been a thief and I a detective.I was cold and hot by turns whenever he bent to whisper in Susie'sear, as he did about a thousand times. At last, as supper-timeapproached, I saw my cousin slip out into the dining-room. I thoughtmother had sent her to see that all was right, before marshalling thecompany out to the feast.
"Now, or never," I thought, turning pale as death; and with oneresolute effort I slipped into the hall and so into the dining-room.
Susie was there, doing something; but when she saw me enter she gave alittle shriek and darted into the pantry. No! I was not to be baffledthus. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead, but I thought of thatsnob in the parlor, and pressed on to the pantry-door.
"Susie," said I, very softly, trying to open it--"Susie, I _must_speak to you. Let me in."
The more I tried to open the door the more firmly she held it.
"Do go along with you, cousin John," she answered.
"I can't, Susie. I want to see you a minute."
"See me? Oh, what a wicked fellow! Go along, or I'll tell yourmother."
"Tell, or not; for once I'm going to have my own way," I said, andpressing my knee against the door, I forced it open, and there stoodmy pretty cousin, angry and blushing, trying to hide from my view thecrinoline which had come off in the parlor.
I retreated, closing the door and waiting for her to re-appear.
In a few minutes she came out, evidently offended.
"Susie," I stammered, "I did--did--didn't dream your bus--bus--bustlehad come off. I only wanted to tell you that--that I pr--pr--pri--prizeyour li--li--li--"
"But I never lie," she interrupted me, saucily.
"That I shall be the most mis--is--is--er--able fellow that ever--"
"Now don't make a goose of yourself, cousin John," she said, sweetly,laying her little hand on my shoulder for an instant. "Stop where youare! Tom Todd asked me to marry him, half an hour ago, and I said Iwould."
Tom Todd, then, had got the start of me; after all. Worse! he hadsneaked into the dining-room after Susie, and had come up behind usand heard every word. As I turned, dizzy and confused, I saw hissmiling, insolent face. Enraged, unhappy, and embarrassed by hisgrieving triumph, I hastily turned to retreat into the pantry!Unfortunately, there were two doors close together, one leading to thepantry, the other to the cellar. In my blind embarrassment I mistookthem; and the next moment the whole company were startled by a loudbump--bumping, a crash, and a woman's scream.
There was a barrel of soft-soap at the foot of the cellar-stairs, andI fell, head first, into that.