How to Deal With Difficult People

by Gill Hasson

  Anger and aggression

  It's useful to understand the difference between anger and aggression. Anger is an emotional and physiological state; a person can get angry about something but not necessarily respond in an aggressive way. For example, a political situation could make someone so angry that they respond by donating money to support a related cause.

  On the other hand, it's possible to be aggressive towards someone – by mugging them, for example – without being angry at that person.

  Aggressive behaviour can be instrumental aggression or impulsive aggression.

  When someone uses instrumental aggression, they are using their aggression as an instrument. They are using aggression in a calculating way to get what they want.

  In contrast, when someone uses impulsive aggression, it's a reaction, a response to something that has happened to them. Impulsive aggression is an automatic response, an emotion-driven reaction. It is aggression stemming from a feeling of anger.

  A colleague who criticizes you in front of others is likely using instrumental aggression to obtain promotion at your expense; your wanting to thump him is impulsive aggression!

  Disguised hostility: Passive aggressive behaviour

  There's no mistaking openly hostile, aggressive behaviour; it's direct and in your face. Disguised hostility and passive aggressive behaviour, on the other hand, is an indirect expression of what a person does and doesn't want.

  Passive aggressive behaviour can be one of the most difficult behaviours to deal with because it's expressed in obscure, underhand ways. The person may appear passive on the surface but is really acting out their resistance towards you in an indirect or hidden way.

  When someone is behaving with disguised hostility, they don't reveal their true motives and you end up tying yourself in knots trying to work out what's going on. You may find yourself getting upset and angry but can't be entirely sure it is justified.

  Rather than saying what they do or don't want, a person who uses disguised hostility puts up a passive resistance to your ideas and opinions, needs and expectations. In order to get their own way, they control situations and manipulate you without actually appearing to.

  Passive aggressive verbal behaviour

  Typically, when a person is being passive aggressive, they are ambiguous; they give mixed messages and are unclear about what they really mean. They may use sarcasm or veiled hostile joking and teasing, often followed by ‘just kidding’, and deny there's a problem. If you get upset or offended by what they say, they may accuse you of overreacting.

  Rather than say what they feel or think, people who disguise their hostility usually mutter their dissent to themselves or use a non-verbal way of expressing their feelings, for example, by giving you the silent treatment, dirty looks or rolling their eyes.

  A passive aggressive person is good at being a victim; unable or unwilling to look at their own part in a situation, they will go silent, sulk and be sullen in order to get attention or sympathy. If they can, they will find a way to blame others, avoid responsibility for their own feelings and emotions, which, in fact, they brought about by their own actions.

  Passive aggressive actions and behaviour

  When it comes to tasks at home or work, a person using disguised hostility may or may not appear cooperative but, either way, they'll do things to disrupt or sabotage a task, activity or project, often by creating confusion around the issue.

  He or she may decline to contribute their ideas, but when your ideas and actions aren't successful they may respond with, ‘I knew it wouldn't work.’

  In order to resist doing what you ask them to do, these people will stall, turn up late, drag their heels and procrastinate. They will find excuses for delays and reasons for not doing something, invent difficulties or complications or ‘forget’ about what they were asked to do. They can be deliberately inefficient, doing something badly or leaving it incomplete.

  When a person is using disguised hostility in a passive aggressive way, they may or may not be consciously aware of how manipulative and devious they're being. Whatever, you are left feeling confused, upset, offended or frustrated. You may even feel guilty; you think you've done something wrong, but you're not sure what.

  Disguised hostility is a form of conflict that doesn't allow either of you to engage sensibly in the issues; it avoids the real issues.

  Why do people behave like this?

  People usually express their hostility and resentment in underhand ways because, for whatever reason, they feel unable to say directly what they really think, feel or want.

  It's a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.

  They may lack the confidence to say what they do or don't want. If they've been discouraged or suffered in the past for openly expressing their feelings – anger, frustration or disappointment – they will use less detectable ways to say what they think and feel.

  Whereas a passive person will simply accept the needs, feelings and opinions of others, a passive aggressive person is not happy to submit to others. But rather than assert themselves and stand up for themselves in direct, honest ways, they resort to underhand tactics to get what they want.

  Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we think up to hide them.

  La Rochefoucauld

  Typical passive aggressive types are people who come across as having a victim mentality or who are persistently negative.

  The victim

  This person imagines all slights against them – real or imagined – are intentional. They become upset at any hint of disapproval. They are sensitive to any indication that you don't like them or agree with them. You have to walk on eggshells around them in case you say or do the ‘wrong’ thing and they accuse you of disrespecting them.

  Rejection or the expectation of it makes them hostile. Their reactive aggression is more likely to manifest in passive rather than overt aggression.

  The victim looks for signs of being excluded, but the irony is that in time their victim mentality – their sensitivity and negativity – does, in fact, cause others to avoid them.

  They may wallow in feelings of self-pity because they believe that everyone else gets all the breaks. Victims are, by nature, martyrs too. They need to let you know how much they are suffering; they seek sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating any difficulty or deprivation they are experiencing.

  The negative person

  Negative people often don't realize they're being difficult but they quickly get on other people's nerves with their tendency to see or anticipate bad results or undesirable outcomes, difficulties and problems. These people bring your mood down with their pessimism and general sense of distrust.

  They may also be chronic worriers; what could be a minor problem for you and everyone else is a hopeless situation for them.

  Some people are so entrenched in seeing the negative side of a situation that they leave no room for positive things to happen. Their negative attitudes and opinions can be contagious. They may dash your hopes and discourage your dreams. Negative people can undermine your potential with their negative opinion of what you are capable of achieving.

  Beware: if you give in and let their negativity define you, you will morph into their version of who you ‘really’ are!

  Passive behaviour

  Passive behaviour happens when a person does not express their true thoughts, feelings, opinions or needs.

  This can manifest itself in different ways. A passive person may be a people pleaser; rather than expressing what they really feel and want, they go along with what everyone else wants, seeking their approval, wanting to be liked and unable to turn down other people's demands.

  Instead of voicing their own opinions, or making choices that will be controversial, unpopular or could hurt feelings, they wait for others to speak first and then agree with pretty much everything others say. They may be clingy an
d needy and lean on you more than they should.

  People pleasers are often placatory: appeasing, pacifying and attempting to win others over. But their compliance can get irritating and difficult to deal with, especially when they overcommit themselves and let you down because they can't say no to someone or something else. In this way, they end up damaging relationships rather than strengthening them.

  Passive behaviour, then, can manifest itself by doing whatever others want. But it can also be evidenced by non-participation – not taking part or not taking responsibility. Initially, you may find these people agreeable and easy to get along with, but it soon becomes clear that they are not contributing, engaging or taking responsibility. They rarely commit themselves or initiate activities, preferring instead to leave it to other people to get things going and make things happen. They avoid decisions, leaving you feeling frustrated at their inability to engage.

  Passive verbal behaviour

  Typically, you may hear passive people say things like: ‘I don't know’, ‘I don't mind’, ‘It's up to you’ or ‘Whatever you think is best.’ But these responses do not tell you what that person really feels, thinks, wants or doesn't want. And, because they are accepting and rarely disagree, you begin to doubt whether they mean it or even care.

  You may notice that they rarely stand up for what is right or wrong, back you up or support you. They prefer to avoid friction of any kind.

  Why do people behave like this?

  A person may have developed a pattern of unassertive, passive behaviour as a response to parents, teachers, siblings or friends who were dominant and controlling or didn't allow the person, as they were growing up, to express their thoughts and feelings freely.

  They may think that others will be hurt, angry or disappointed if they do not do what other people want. In fact, they may believe that they do not have the right to state their needs and opinions.

  They may be afraid of displeasing others and of not being liked and want to protect their ‘nice guy’ or ‘nice girl’ image.

  It may be that a person behaves in a passive way because they fear disapproval or derision from others for their decisions and opinions, so they hand over control and responsibility to others.

  But a person may also behave in a passive way because they can't be bothered, they're not interested, don't care and simply have no desire to contribute and participate.

  No doubt you have recognized someone you know in these descriptions of difficult people and their behaviour. We all know at least one person who leaves us feeling upset or let down, frustrated or angry, humiliated or confused, drained or despairing.

  Understanding how and why someone else is being difficult can give you a better chance of dealing with them.

  But just how much is it the other person? It's not always easy to tell if someone is deliberately being difficult or if it's just you who is struggling to deal with that person.

  Chapter 2

  Is It You?

  We've looked at how other people think and behave; now let's look at how you respond to other people.

  Tick any of the statements below that apply to you.

  If another person thwarts my plans, I find myself thinking about how to get back at them.

  When I have to deal with a difficult person, I come away thinking about who won and who lost in the encounter.

  If someone hurts my feelings, I feel vulnerable and defenceless.

  I tend to feel helpless when a discussion or conversation doesn't turn out the way I expected it to.

  I sometimes envy others or even resent people who are persistent in getting what they want.

  When I am having a row or a disagreement with someone, it feels like they somehow turn everything round to be my fault.

  I usually give in to other people's needs and wishes, even though I don't really want to.

  I often get irritated when other people seem to get away with all sorts of bad behaviour.

  Other people often make plans without asking or including me.

  I get annoyed when other people are difficult; they are deliberately trying to wind me up.

  I often feel that others don't appreciate me.

  When someone else has opposed me, I see things in terms of who was right and who was wrong.

  If someone criticizes me, I feel got at.

  I often go along with what other people think or want, even if I don't agree.

  I find it difficult to move on from an encounter with a difficult person; I tend to keep going over who said what.

  The more statements you ticked, the more likely it is that you see the world in terms of ‘me versus them’. Often, you may see the difficulties and problems you experience with other people as ‘not my fault, there's not much I can do – he/she did this to me.’

  To a greater or lesser extent, you may believe that when someone else is being difficult they are deliberately setting out to thwart you – to be uncooperative, to oppose you or trip you up. You may feel powerless to do anything about it. Or rather, you may feel powerless to do anything constructive and effective about it.

  And because you don't like feeling helpless it's easy to blame the other person for what's gone wrong.

  The prima donna and her resentful sister

  Take, for example, 32-year-old Danielle. Since she was a child, Danielle's older sister, Marie, has been indulged as the temperamental ballet dancer. Their parents have been lenient with Marie and yielded to her wishes and whims.

  Their mother, Carol, could have been an accomplished dancer too, but – as Carol often tells people – she sacrificed her career to stay at home and bring up her children. Danielle is a dutiful daughter. To keep their mother happy, Danielle and her brother Luc phone or text her every day and visit for lunch most Sundays. Not Marie. She visits when it suits her and gets their father to run her around like a taxi driver. Their parents give Marie money and attend many of Marie's performances.

  Marie gets stroppy and sulks if she doesn't get her own way. Danielle thinks her sister is needy, demanding and selfish. She finds it difficult to be nice when she sees Marie.

  Of course, how you respond to someone who is being difficult depends on several things.

  Who it is. Is it someone you know well, a friend, family member or colleague? Is it someone who is always difficult with everyone and everything? Is he or she an authority figure? A parent, your manager, a dominant sibling or friend? Are they confusing or scaring you?

  Why they are being difficult; to undermine or embarrass you? Are they simply having a bad day? Is it someone who is always difficult with everyone and everything?

  When they are being difficult. Are you having a bad day? Were you already feeling stressed or vulnerable?

  What they are being difficult about. Is it something you thought had been resolved and agreed upon? Is it an issue of great importance or a trivial thing?

  Where they are being difficult; in front of others, for example. Or away from other people so you have no one to back you up or witness their behaviour.

  How you are feeling. Are you feeling tired or stressed? Do you lack the confidence to deal with him or her or are you unsure of your rights?

  No matter who, what, why, where or when they are being difficult, if you are finding them difficult then they are going to be difficult for you to deal with. You could simply resign yourself to their behaviour or you could confront them, either in a direct way or in an indirect, underhand way. There are advantages and disadvantages to these three ways of responding.

  Resigned, accepting responses

  If, for example, someone is mean, nasty or unfair towards you, you may accept their behaviour or simply withdraw. Rather than say what you think and feel, want or don't want, in order to avoid confrontation, you stay quiet. You may go along with someone even if you do not agree with them. You don't stand up for what is right or wrong, or how you want to be treated.

  Why would you respond like this? Like Danielle, you may think tha
t others will be hurt, angry or disappointed if you stand up for yourself and challenge them. Perhaps you think they will reject you.

  Resigning yourself to difficult people and accommodating them can lead them to disrespect you, take advantage or exclude you. However, this accommodating approach can be useful for a number of reasons:

  When it's more important to keep the relationship rather than argue the issue.

  You need to avoid physical harm from the other person.

  When the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you.

  You want to avoid an escalation of the situation.

  When it's better for the other person to do what they want and discover for themselves that they are wrong.

  When you realize you are wrong!

  Indirectly confrontational, hostile responses

  When you are accommodating towards a difficult person, you simply accept, uncomplainingly, their actions and behaviour.

  On the other hand, if you are unhappy about or resent what someone else says or does but are reluctant to assert yourself, you may respond in avoidant, underhand ways. You may respond indirectly to someone else's difficult behaviour. You may, for example, sulk, be sarcastic, moan and complain about the person to other people.

  Why would you respond like this? You might express your resentment in indirect ways because it would not be safe or acceptable to express your needs, opinions and feelings or would be considered rude or selfish. Perhaps you don't have the confidence to say what you really think or you don't have the confidence to deal with the consequences of saying what you think and feel.