by Gill Hasson
There is a difference in asking people how they feel over what they do and think, particularly when you are dealing with someone who is being difficult. Asking questions in term of feelings can give you an insight into why they could be talking or behaving in such an unpleasant or difficult way. A person often needs to have the issue and their feelings addressed in order to start interacting constructively.
In fact, what you are aiming for is to develop some degree of empathy, to understand the other person's feelings and point of view, to get an insight into where they are coming from.
When you empathize with someone, you do not have to sympathize, agree or let their feelings dominate yours. Your aim is simply to understand their perspective and feelings. You are then more likely to understand why you have a hard time with them and deal with them effectively.
Showing empathy
Ranjana, for example, is becoming increasingly irritated with her housemate Marcus. Marcus often moans and complains to Ranjana about his work, his colleagues and his manager. Ranjana finds his negativity draining and does her best to escape whenever Marcus starts talking about his job.
However, things change when Ranjana changes her approach. One evening, Marcus tells Ranjana about a meeting at work that day where they were told about forthcoming redundancies. Marcus thinks it's almost certain he will be made redundant. Instead of thinking about how she can shut him up or get away, Ranjana uses reflective listening to engage with Marcus. She summarizes what he has said and asks, ‘How do you feel about it?’ Marcus explains that he feels overwhelmed and uncertain about the future.
Ranjana may not have been faced with redundancy before, but she has experienced what Marcus is feeling – being overwhelmed and uncertain. Her interest and concern reduce the extent of Marcus's negativity. He feels acknowledged and therefore more ready to move on to discussing possible ways forward. Ranjana is surprised at how effective reflective listening can be!
So, be intentional with your listening. Remember, even if you do not reflect back to the other person, listen as if you were going to.
Successfully managing difficult people requires understanding that their feelings and perspectives may differ from your own. Active listening – reflecting, confirming and clarifying what the other person has said – not only helps you to see where they're coming from but also shows that you are making an effort to understand things from their perspective.
You do not have to make their situation your own, agree with them or let their feelings and opinions dominate yours. You are simply trying to narrow the gap between you both, to show that you are willing to try to understand the other person's situation, point of view, thoughts and feelings.
Identify and learn from good listeners
Can you think of someone you know who is good at managing difficult people? Do you think they are good listeners? How do they show they've taken on board what the other person is saying? What questions do they ask?
Practise active listening
Becoming a good listener takes time, patience and concentration. It also takes practice. But you don't need to wait for a difficult person or situation to practise active listening. You can practise with a friend. Here's how:
One of you talks for two minutes on one of the subjects listed below. When the speaker has finished speaking, the listener can reflect back what he or she thinks the speaker said and how they felt.
a TV show or personality that irritates and annoys you
a time when you were disappointed (e.g. you didn't get the job, house, flat or football score you wanted)
the worst job or holiday you ever had
a time when a friend let you down.
Non-verbal communication
There's a lot to be gained by developing your listening skills; it will help you to improve your understanding of other people's behaviour, motivations and point of view.
But it's not just what a person says – their verbal communication – that tells you what they're saying and where they're coming from. What a person does not say – their non-verbal communication – can give you a real insight into what's going on.
In interactions with other people where emotions and feelings are involved, research shows that communication is made up of 7% what is said, 38% tone of voice, 55% body language. This means that a huge amount – 93% – of how a person feels is communicated non-verbally.
The overwhelming meaning of a message, when communicating with others, comes from an unconscious display of the ‘silent’ language, which reinforces, detracts or contradicts what they are saying.
Often, you know what someone is feeling just by looking at their face; you don't need them to explain in words if they are experiencing one of the basic emotions: surprise, anger, joy, disgust, fear or sadness.
But it's not just facial expressions that can clue you in to how someone else is feeling. Other non-verbal communication signals – a person's gestures, posture, eye contact – can tell you a lot about their feelings, intentions and motivations.
Interestingly, when communication is difficult our body language becomes more pronounced. It doesn't take you long to notice that someone is angry if they are using short, sharp gestures. You can also tell that someone is anxious if they are fiddling and twiddling!
However, body language signals can often be hard to interpret. For example, it would be easy to conclude that someone crossing their arms is feeling defensive or someone drumming their fingers on the table is feeling impatient or irritated.
Certainly, someone crossing their arms could be feeling defensive – they could just as easily be feeling cold! And someone drumming their fingers on the table could simply be tapping out a rhythm.
You can't rely on a single gesture, facial expression and so on to tell you how they are feeling. You need to take into consideration a combination, or cluster, of non-verbal signals.
Clusters are when a number of non-verbal communications and actions occur close together and so indicate a consistent message. Clusters and combinations of non-verbal communications provide a much more reliable indication of what's going on than one or two isolated gestures or facial expressions. A single body language signal isn't as reliable as several signals, so do look out for a number of signs that all seem to add up to the person ‘saying’ one thing.
For example, you may notice someone has their arms crossed. Look again and you may see that they are not making eye contact and are talking in short, sharp sentences.
But if you notice they are stamping their feet, and when they uncross their arms they blow into their cupped hands, you will conclude that, in fact, they are cold!
Notice too, if what someone says matches or if it is at odds with their non-verbal behaviour. This is particularly important when it comes to dealing with difficult people who are passive aggressive and indirectly hostile because that incongruence confirms what you are already picking up: that they are not being honest with you.
For example, imagine you ask a friend whether they would come with you to collect some furniture you'd recently bought. They reply, ‘Yeah, OK.’
You're not convinced that they really do want to help so you ask, ‘Are you sure?’ Your friend replies, ‘I said “sure”, didn't I?’
But the fact that they mumble their reply and don't make eye contact leaves you unsure. You may not know exactly what that is, but you've picked up the mismatch between verbal and non-verbal messages; you're sensing their reluctance because their verbal communication – what they say – does not match their non-verbal communication.
This mismatch is known as ‘leakage’. Leakage occurs when a person says one thing but their body language, gestures and so on leak something different. It's unconscious; they won't be aware of it, but if you fail to recognize these clues, you risk being misled. You'll misunderstand what someone is really thinking and feeling.
So, when you feel that someone isn't coming across as honest or ‘real’ it's probably because their non-verbal communic
ation doesn't match what they are saying. This mismatch creates a sense of confusion and distrust.
Understanding body language can be seen as a form of mind reading. If you can read someone's body language, you are reading their feelings and thoughts. In any one of us, whatever is happening on the inside can be reflected on the outside, even when we're silent.
So remember, when it comes to getting a better understanding of what someone is really feeling, you need to take a combination of non-verbal signals into consideration.
Intuition
Picking up on a combination of non-verbal signals in a particular situation can also be seen as your intuition. Intuition is an unconscious process of tuning in to and responding to a combination of non-verbal information in a specific context.
For example, imagine a parent is lecturing her teenage son about not having a party when she's away at the weekend. The parent finishes with, ‘Did you hear what I just said?’
If her son vehemently replies: ‘Of course, I did. I told you already, I'm going to Luke's house for the night,’ it could put the parent on her guard. Why? Because when someone is being dishonest, they may overcompensate and the pitch and volume of their voice will rise. Combined with the lack of eye contact and crossed arms as he replies, the parent intuitively doesn't trust her son.
When people are lying, they may rehearse the words they use but not their body language. So when their body language says something different from their words, you know you're not getting the whole truth.
Look for the bigger picture as well as the details. Then, if you are in a situation where you don't believe what someone is saying, when it doesn't ring true or feel right, you will know it's because that particular combination of verbal, non-verbal and contextual cues doesn't add up.
Learn to ‘read’ other people
You can practise ‘reading’ other people. Turn off the sound on your TV. Watch people being interviewed on the news. Observe people interacting in dramas and soap operas. Be aware of the non-verbal communication, the gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice and so on. What conclusions do you draw from particular combinations of non-verbal communication?
Look for combinations that support your assumptions. If you decided that, for example, someone looks defensive, ask yourself why you think that. Is it because they have a glaring stare? Because their shoulders are hunched up?
Practising ‘reading’ other people and situations will help you to notice subtle cues during your own difficult exchanges and conversations, so you can react to situations more tactfully and effectively.
When you're waiting at the bus stop or queuing in the supermarket, use the time to do a bit of people watching. Observe people on a bus, train or in a café and watch how they act and react to each other. When you watch others, try to guess what they are saying or get a sense of what is going on between them. Are they relaxed, anxious, irritated? What does the way they hold themselves say about them? What about the way they talk? Does everything match up?
Speak fluent body language
What about your own body language? Does it help or hinder in a difficult situation? Mostly, you are probably unaware of how much you are conveying non-verbally, but even if you are silent you are still communicating through your posture and facial expressions.
Often, you can exacerbate a difficult situation without realizing it. Your body language and tone of voice can exaggerate, understate or contradict what you say. You may, for example, say sorry but your tone and body language could be communicating your frustration and annoyance.
Other people draw conclusions about your attitude and, when faced with mixed messages, either they focus on your non-verbal messages or your mixed messages create confusion and distrust in the other person. So aim to avoid sending mixed messages; make your words, gestures, facial expressions and tone match.
There's no need to adopt a range of poses, gestures and expressions that feel strange or unnatural to you. When you're dealing with a difficult person, you simply need to adopt a couple of confident-looking gestures or expressions and the rest of your body and mind will match up.
If you want to feel more capable and confident, and not just appear confident but genuinely feel confident, simply choose to do just two or three of these actions:
stand or sit straight
keep your head level
relax your shoulders
spread your weight evenly on both legs
when you are sitting, keep your elbows on the arms of your chair (rather than tightly against your sides)
make appropriate eye contact
lower the pitch of your voice
speak more slowly
speak more quietly.
You can't control every aspect of your non-verbal communication; in fact, the harder you try, the more unnatural you will appear. But if you can just use one or two of those things consistently, your thoughts, feelings and the rest of your behaviour will follow.
It's a dynamic process where small changes in how you use your body can add up to a big change in how you feel, how you come across and how you deal with a difficult person.
Which two non-verbal behaviours would you feel comfortable using? Choose two and practise using them in a variety of situations.
Talking to difficult people
Understanding and managing difficult people isn't just about listening to them and knowing the right questions to ask. Situations like telling someone you are upset or angry with them, that you are not going to be treated badly by them or that their negativity is draining you all require that you know when and how to say so in honest and appropriate ways.
In the next chapter, we look at how assertive communication and behaviour can help you do this.
Chapter 4
Standing Up to Difficult People
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
J. K. Rowling
A demanding colleague who coerces you into doing things their way, a critical family member, your hostile teenager or annoying neighbour; whoever they are and however they're being difficult, you'll know that there's a number of ways that you can respond. And those ways are not always helpful!
Maybe you find it difficult to express yourself calmly. Or perhaps it's not easy to be open and honest. What to do? Learn to be more assertive. When you are more assertive, you'll be able to respond to other people without blaming, attacking or shrinking.
Assertiveness involves being able to say what you think and feel, need and want. You are able to stand up for yourself even if you feel anxious about doing so. You do not allow others to manipulate or undermine you; you assert your rights but you also take into consideration the rights, feelings and beliefs of other people. In fact, when you are assertive you encourage others to be open and honest about their views, feelings and needs. This helps both you and the person you're talking to develop understanding, trust and cooperation.
Being assertive involves initiation and action. It involves the ability to act with firmness and commitment but also to be open to negotiation and compromise. You know you have a choice about how to respond to others: no one ‘makes’ you do something or feel a particular way. And even if other people resent your determination and persistence, you are able to manage it.
You know that dealing with difficult people does not involve one of you being the winner and the other the loser.
How to be assertive
Being assertive includes:
identifying and explaining the problem
saying how you feel
acknowledging your part in the situation
saying what you do and don't want
acknowledging the reply
knowing how to stand your ground
being able to negotiate and compromise
identifying solutions, ways forward and consequences.
Identify and explain the problem
First, you need to identify for yourse
lf and then say to the other person what exactly the problem is. Stick to just one issue; don't bring up a list of problems and issues.
Be clear and specific; hinting, rambling and making excuses can weaken your message or result in the other person misinterpreting what you really mean.
When you want to confront someone about an issue you can start by saying, ‘I'd like to talk with you about … what happens (or happened) when…’
Don't expect someone to be a mind reader and know why it's a problem for you. Tell them. There's no need to run off a long list of examples of past offences. Don't, though, take this as an opportunity to highlight the other person's every character flaw for the past two years. Focus on your specific concern and keep it brief, avoid going on and on long after you have made your point.
Say how you feel
Just as you can't expect the other person to know why you have a problem, don't expect the other person to know how you're feeling. Are you embarrassed, angry, confused or upset? If you choose to tell the other person how you're feeling, make sure you own your feelings. Don't tell them that they are making you feel like you do.
Simply say, ‘I feel embarrassed/angry/confused/upset when…’ Saying how you feel also shows that you are affected by the issue and therefore need to resolve it.
Of course, when you sound off by saying such things as ‘What do you think you're doing?’ or ‘I don't understand you. You must be mad!’ it's clear that you're upset or angry, but when you're confronting someone, they need to know immediately why you're angry. Confrontation needs clarity!
In the three examples below, you can see how the problem has been identified, an example given and feelings explained.
Example one
Duncan: I'd like to talk about what happens when I tell you about my work. Yesterday when we were talking about my promotion, you said, ‘Well, that's about as far as I can see you going with that company – you don't have a degree so that's a reason not to promote you any further. I told you this would happen.’ It felt negative and critical and I was upset.
