by Gill Hasson
Example two
Fiona: Jo, I need to talk to you about our holiday. It seems you've changed your mind again about our plans. You first said you were going to drive, then last week you said you'd get the train and meet us both in Brighton. But Amy has just told me that you now want us to come over to Cambridge and collect you. I'm confused and feel frustrated.
Example three
Mikel: Rita, we need to talk about how you manage employees in front of customers. Just now, I heard you have a go at James about the report he wrote. You were standing right next to two clients. They were clearly quite shocked to witness that. I'm concerned that it makes customers feel uncomfortable. It worries me that it looks unprofessional.
Acknowledge your part in the situation
Remember: other people do not necessarily have your standards and values so do not, at any point, say, ‘There must be something wrong with you!’ or ‘Any decent person wouldn't do that!’ Instead, if it's appropriate, you may want to acknowledge your part in the issue.
For example:
‘I admit I talk about my work a lot.’
‘I know I like plans to be definite.’
‘I know I said I'd move James to another department.’
Say what you do or don't want
Next, you need to say what, exactly, you do or don't want to happen. If you don't say what you do or don't want, all you'll have done at this stage is dump your problem on the other person.
So Duncan, for example, may want his mum to stop being negative and critical when he talks to her about his job. Or he may simply want her not to mention again the fact that he dropped out of university.
Fiona may want Jo to go back to the original plan. She may want Jo to choose any plan and to stick to it. Perhaps she would like Amy to pick up Jo and then both women collect Fiona on their way to the south coast.
Mikel may want Rita to stop being so rude and aggressive to other staff members. Or it may be that he just wants Rita to find somewhere private to admonish other staff members.
Who knows what Duncan, Fiona and Mikel want? Only they can decide what they want.
The same applies to you. Decide what you do or don't want and say it. Be specific, keep it short and concise. Your point will be lost if you ramble. Don't give lots of excuses; all you need is one genuine reason why you do or do not want to do something. Just say what you need to say then wait to see how the other person responds.
Acknowledge the reply
Once you have said what the problem is, how you feel and your part in it, you can just wait for the other person to respond, or you can ask, ‘What do you think?’ or ‘How do you feel about it?’
Asking for their point of view or opinion shows that you are expressing your opinion and feelings about what you do or don't want, and not just making demands.
Use your listening skills here. Don't interrupt, defend or argue – just listen. Look like you're listening and show that you're listening. Before you respond, you may need to clarify what the other person has said. Remember, you do not have to agree with what they said, just be sure that you have understood.
Acknowledge what the other person has said. For example, if Duncan's mother had said, ‘Well, it's true, you did throw away your chances when you dropped out of university – I'm not being negative or critical. Seems to me I can never say the right thing; you're so sensitive. Anyway, I imagine Oliver [Duncan's partner] agrees with me.’
Duncan acknowledges his mother's response by saying, ‘I know you think I missed out on going to university and I know you think I'm oversensitive and you feel you can never say the right thing. I think…’
Be sure to acknowledge and respond only to what is relevant. In this case, what Oliver does or doesn't think is not relevant.
You may not agree with the difficult person's view but you've acknowledged that this is how they see it.
Be aware that being aggressive can get in the way of communicating what you are angry about. People stop listening to you and focus on your anger instead.
Ask questions if you need to clarify. For example, if Rita had said to Mikel, ‘You try dealing with James then. He's a nightmare,’ Mikel's reply could be, ‘I understand that you don't find James easy, but I will not have you shouting at staff in that way. Are you saying you want me to speak to James?’
Acknowledging what the other person has said shows that you have listened and understood. It also gives them the opportunity to confirm, clarify or refute your understanding.
Try to keep your tone calm and neutral. Avoid whining or coming across as hostile in any way and notice if you interrupt. Catch yourself, and say, ‘Oh, sorry – go ahead!’ and let the other person finish.
Repeat the process. Listen to the other person's response and continue the process, listening, acknowledging and responding.
Know how to stand your ground
When people sidetrack you or bring up other issues, it's easy to get distracted and for the situation to escalate or spin off in another direction. If you get distracted, you are allowing the other person to control the conversation. If the other person doesn't seem to be listening, or tries to sidetrack you, you can avoid being distracted by sticking to your point. Repeat it calmly until you feel that you are being heard.
Don't back down, sulk or counter-attack. Rather than ignore their response or argue with them, calmly respond to the other person in a way that both acknowledges you have listened and confirms you are standing firm. For example:
‘I know you said I'd regret not finishing university [acknowledging what his mother said] but could you please not mention it again?’ [sticking to what he wants]
‘I know you think I'm making a fuss [acknowledging what Jo said] but could you just stick to this plan now and not change your mind again?’ [sticking to what she wants]
‘You may think clients can't hear you [acknowledging what Rita said] but in future, if you have something to say to another staff member, could you talk to them privately and not in front of clients?’ [sticking to what he wants]
Be able to negotiate and compromise
Where possible, aim to negotiate or compromise. Look for solutions and alternative courses of action.
For example, Duncan could suggest, ‘How about I try not to talk about my work so often? And when I do, you be a bit more positive.’
With the changing travel arrangements. ‘Is there anything I can do that could help you make a definite plan?’
And Mikel could say to Rita, ‘Would it help if you let me know whether and when James isn't pulling his weight and then we could have a meeting – the three of us?’
Find common ground for a solution. Try to offer an alternative that works for you and benefits the other person as well.
Being prepared to negotiate means that you each recognize that any decisions or outcomes have been reached as a result of each of you stating your views and feelings.
Also, when you negotiate and compromise, you've neither given in to the other person nor got so het up that they can divert the issue by accusing you of losing your cool.
Meeting someone in the middle will always be the most constructive approach for conflict resolution, but if you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as far as you can, but no further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.
Identify solutions, ways forward and consequences
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Benjamin Franklin
When you know in advance that you are going to have a tricky encounter with a difficult person, you can think through how you are going to manage, what your limits are and how far you are prepared to bend.
It's helpful to ask yourself these questions:
What do I want and not want?
What do I want the other person to do or not do?
What am I prepared to compromise on?
How far will I negotiate: what are my limits?
What will the solution, way forward
and consequences be if the other person refuses to cooperate?
Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don't want and how far you're prepared to negotiate and compromise, you will need to decide what the solution will be if the other person digs their heels in and refuses to cooperate.
For example, before she spoke to Jo, Fiona could have thought through in advance what the solution would be if Jo did refuse to commit to a specific travel arrangement.
It's important to think in terms of solutions and consequences, not threats or punishments. Threats are a warning of trouble, a declaration of your intention to impose a punishment if someone refuses to cooperate. Threats raise the emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though, give you alternative ways forward if the other person won't cooperate.
And instead of thinking of ways you can get back or even punish the other person for refusing to cooperate, it's far better to think in terms of consequences. When you think in terms of consequences, you are identifying a logical result. Consequences follow naturally from the other person's action or inaction.
The consequences of Jo's indecisiveness and lack of cooperation were that Fiona made her own plans, plans that didn't depend on what Jo's plans were. She calmly explained this to Jo.
For Mikel, the solution was to support Rita by telling her to let him know if she was finding it difficult to deal with members of staff, so that they could meet together and discuss it. If Rita persisted in handling staff in such a negative way, the consequence would be that Rita would receive a warning.
You don't even have to tell the other person what the consequences will be if they don't cooperate with you. For example, Duncan resolved that if his mother continued to be so critical and negative about his career, the consequence would be that he would not visit his mother quite so often and only briefly talk about work. But he didn't tell her this. He didn't need to. Duncan just quietly cut down his visits and when she asked about his job he briefly replied and moved on to another subject.
But if you do explain what the consequences will be, take responsibility for the outcome: there may also be consequences for you. The other person may get upset or angry. The same reaction is possible if you choose to stand your ground: there may be fallout as a result. The other person may sulk, get angry or burst into tears. They may stop talking to you. If you stand your ground, you must accept that there may be consequences.
Often, an exchange with someone can go wrong without you expecting it to. You're unprepared and unable to think of solutions and consequences. Rather than make an emotional reaction and start issuing threats and warnings, calmly tell the other person, ‘I need time to think this through.’
Thinking in terms of solutions and consequences is a powerful way to deal with difficult people because you engage the rational, reasonable side of your brain, rather than the emotional, impulsive part of your brain. Threats and punishments are usually the result of heightened emotions, and when you're reacting in an emotional way, it's difficult to think clearly, to be reasonable and rational.
Thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn't cooperate.
So, slow down, think of potential solutions before responding and ask yourself: What's my best choice?
Building the confidence to be more assertive
Now that you've learnt the key techniques of what's involved in being assertive, we move on to other things that will help you to apply those techniques and be more assertive.
Start small
In order to build your courage and confidence, you can choose a low-risk opportunity to respond differently. It's best to start with something or someone fairly unimportant rather than with a situation or person you find particularly challenging.
Does someone sometimes snap at you? Speak up and say what you think or feel about it. Get used to telling it how you see it. Don't just automatically shrink or snap back. Calmly say, ‘I wish you wouldn't snap at me.’ If they respond with, ‘I didn't snap at you,’ simply respond by saying, ‘OK.’
Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, move on to other issues and situations.
Notice when you're best at being assertive. You may find that it's relatively easy to tell a friend you think their criticism is unfair. Perhaps you have no problem telling your teenager that you will not be spoken to in such a rude way and that if he wants to talk to come back when he's ready to do so calmly.
In tougher situations, with a hostile colleague or your demanding mother-in-law, for example, think to yourself, ‘What would I say if this were one of my friends or my teenager talking to me like this?’ For example, if your teenager shouted at you in front of others, what would you say or do? Can you replicate that response with your colleagues?
Where and when: Time and place
When you want to say something to someone who is probably going to be difficult, think whether you have to say something immediately, or do you need to wait until you are feeling calm and confident and the other person is more receptive?
It may not be appropriate to respond to someone else immediately, for example in front of other people or if one of you is very angry. In fact, when someone is angry it's easy for them to become irrational and unreasonable because the anger has overwhelmed the logical part of their brain. If either or both of you are very angry, you are both simply communicating with your emotions.
It's also harder to communicate clearly and effectively if you are stressed, tired or unwell. Sometimes it can be helpful to let people know how you are feeling, and perhaps to postpone a difficult discussion until a better time.
Although you may have to wait for an appropriate time and place, don't let things build up to such an extent that they just get worse. Tackle it as soon as possible. When you ignore difficult people, nothing will change. But when you refuse to indulge their behaviour, you encourage them to behave differently – at least with you.
Take responsibility for your opinions: Start with ‘I’ and not ‘you’
A sure-fire way to get someone on the defensive is to start a sentence with the word ‘you’.
‘You always…!’
‘You never…’
‘You should…’
A sentence that starts with the word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an accusation against the other person that will alert them to become defensive.
‘I’ statements, on the other hand, will give the other person less to challenge: they can argue with you if you say, ‘You always let me down…’ but not with ‘I always feel let down…’
If you tell someone, ‘I feel let down’, they can't actually argue with how you feel (even if they think you shouldn't feel like that!).
‘I’ statements such as ‘I feel…’, ‘I think…’ or ‘I would like…’ show that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings. If you were to say, ‘You make me feel…’, you are blaming the other person, making them responsible for how you feel.
Blaming someone else is not going to solve the problem, so take ownership of what you have to say and take responsibility for what you think or feel.
Sentences that begin with ‘I’ show that this is your perspective. For example, instead of saying, ‘You really should…’ you could say, ‘I think it would be best if you…’
And instead of saying, ‘You're wrong,’ you could say, ‘I don't agree with you’ or ‘I don't think that's right.’
You can also put it this way: ‘When you …, I feel…’
When you disagree, try to say so without putting down the other person's point of view. Suggesting that someone is wrong or bad or should do something will create resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.
Basic assertions and useful opening phrases
All of the statements below are basic assertions: short stateme
nts that communicate a quick ‘no’ or ‘yes’ to the other person.
I've decided that…
I need you to…
I won't accept that.
I don't think that was fair.
I refuse to listen/to be talked to like that.
I don't understand. Can you explain?
Can you tell me more? I'm not sure what you mean.
I don't have an answer to that.
I'm not sure.
That doesn't work for me.
That's not what I want.
I don't agree.
I don't want to be involved.
I'd rather not say.
I want to do it this way/like this.
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
I'm not going to discuss it if you are going to speak to me like that/shout at me.
I think it would be better to discuss this another time.
Say ‘I won't’ or ‘I've decided not to’, rather than ‘I can't’ or ‘I shouldn't’. Saying ‘I can't’ or ‘I shouldn't’ implies that something is stopping you from doing something. Saying ‘I won't’ or ‘I've decided not to’ emphasizes that you have chosen not to do something – a choice has been made.
Actually use the word ‘no’ when declining rather than ‘I don't really want to’ or ‘I don't really think that…’
Make sure your non-verbal gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice reflect and support what you say.
Keep calm: Avoid insults and abuse
If the other person won't cooperate or compromise, be aware that if you react by using abusive language or insulting them, either you give the other person a valid reason to withdraw or you hand them the ammunition to sling insults back at you.
