by Gill Hasson
You may also have given the other person enough counter-accusation material to divert you from the original issue; they may feel that the fact you became so aggressive is worse than what you've been upset with them about. Cursing and insulting may help you to vent your frustrations in the short term but not as much as actually pinpointing the problem and finding a solution will in the long term.
Challenge extreme terms
Often, when people are being difficult, they speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews.
So, if the other person says, ‘I always have to’ or ‘You never…’, acknowledge their view, but then present your perspective. ‘I know you think I never… but actually, I often…’ or, ‘I understand that it seems like it's always you, and yet…’
See if you can avoid linking sentences with the word ‘but’. When the other person hears ‘but’, they know you are going to refute their view. Try to avoid the word altogether or, when it's appropriate, use the word ‘and’ rather than ‘but’. For example, ‘I know you feel angry and I'm feeling upset.’ Sounds so much less defensive than ‘I know you're angry but I'm feeling upset.’
Another example of this is if you apologize for something: ‘I'm sorry I raised my voice, but I couldn't help it.’ The ‘but’ disqualifies the apology. Take responsibility for shouting.
Rehearse
You can try out assertive responses in front of a mirror, or get a friend to give you feedback and suggestions. If you know that you are going to be in a situation – a meeting at work or a family meeting – where your ideas or opinions are often ignored, rehearse the situation with someone else.
Rehearse not just what you're going to say but also how you're going to feel. You may well feel apprehensive or even scared. Seeing yourself looking calm, having one clear message and being firm but fair will create a clear behavioural blueprint for your mind.
Maintain your composure: Use confident body language
Rehearse your delivery showing open, calm body language. How you stand or sit, the gestures you use, how you look at someone and use your voice are all very important. They help convey how you see yourself in relation to the person you are talking to.
When a difficult person irritates or annoys you, it becomes obvious to the other person through your tone of voice and your body language. This only fuels an already difficult situation.
Think about what your body language reveals regarding your respect – or lack of respect – for the other person. Refrain from behaviour that could escalate the situation, such as rolling your eyes, pursing your lips or shaking your head.
And, of course, be aware that if you are hunched up, speak hesitantly and avoid eye contact, you are not coming across as confident and convincing.
In Chapter 3 you will have read that if you want to feel calm and confident, you only need to adopt a couple of confident body language gestures, postures or ways of using your voice to have an impact on how you feel, how you behave and the impact you have on other people.
Self-control is critical in dealing with people who are challenging or difficult. Losing control = losing. Remember that staying calm increases your effectiveness and ability to think calmly.
Choosing how to respond
Some situations start with a power imbalance; if the difficult person is a tutor, manager or older family member, for example, even the most assertive people can feel intimidated and struggle to deal with that person. But whoever they are, other people are human beings like you, and the principles of mutual respect should still apply.
How you respond to a difficult person can depend on who it is and the context in which the exchange takes place. You don't have to be assertive – it's a choice. You can choose whether to tell other people what you think, how you feel and what you believe.
Sometimes a more aggressive approach may be more appropriate, if you need to take immediate control of the situation, for example. At other times, a passive approach may be appropriate, for example when you want to avoid an escalation of the situation or avoid any friction and conflict.
How do you know whether you should assert yourself? If the situation allows you to think about it, consider whether you'll regret it if you are not assertive in this situation; what's at stake? What have you got to gain or lose?
What are the probable consequences of your possible assertion? Could asserting yourself make things worse?
You may think that if you choose to submit to or withdraw from a situation you are being weak and powerless, or that you will lose the respect of others. This does not have to be the case. As long as you accept responsibility for how you choose to respond, do it with grace and goodwill and don't blame the other person for making you respond in an unassertive way, then you are in control.
Being assertive means being direct and honest. An Arab proverb says you must pass through three gates before you say anything: Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it true?
What you say to a difficult person should be able to pass through at least two of these gates. So, telling your belligerent manager, for example, that he's got a face like a slapped arse may be true, but it will never pass the ‘necessary’ or ‘kind’ gates! Be honest and try your best to be considerate.
Although you are aiming to behave and communicate in a way that is fair both to you and to others, unfortunately, some people may find it easier to label you as difficult when you reach your limits and either stand firm or withdraw.
It is important not to give up if a situation doesn't turn out the way you hoped. Reflect on the conversation afterwards. Don't get angry and resentful – that will just prevent you from thinking clearly and constructively. Instead, ask yourself what you would do differently next time, in a similar situation. Even if you don't get the outcome you want, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you handled the situation well.
Remember, you can only change your behaviour, not theirs, but if you behave and communicate assertively more consistently, other people are more likely to treat you in the way you want: with respect. Adopt the attitude, ‘change begins with me.’ By changing your approach you may find others respond differently to you.
As you can see, there're several aspects to being assertive. You need to be honest, clear and specific about what you feel, want and don't want. You have to acknowledge and, when necessary, clarify what the other person says and feels, be able to stand your ground and/or negotiate and compromise. You need to identify solutions and consequences.
However, it's not possible to do all these things at once. It would be impractical and weird to carry around a checklist to refer to every time you had an encounter with a difficult person. You've got to start somewhere, though. Set yourself up to succeed by choosing just one or two aspects of assertiveness to focus on using with someone else.
For example, the next time you are dealing with a difficult person, you could choose to just focus on listening to and acknowledging what the other person says. Or you may decide to make sure you say how you feel and start statements with ‘I’ and not ‘you’.
In Part Two, you can see how, in a range of different scenarios, people have used different assertive strategies and techniques to deal with a range of difficult people.
Part Two
Putting It Into Practice
Chapter 5
Dealing With Direct Hostility
Who doesn't encounter difficult, hostile people every now and again? Whether it's someone in your family, at work or out in public, openly hostile people are confrontational, obnoxious and intimidating. An encounter with an openly hostile person can leave you feeling upset, powerless and angry.
People usually behave in this way for one of two reasons: to dominate, control and get what they want (instrumental aggression) or as a reaction, a response to something that has or hasn't happened to them (impulsive aggression).
When someone uses instrumental aggression, it's because they've learnt that by being difficult they can get whatever they want from another person. F
or them, their disagreeable ways – their aggression and hostility – are nothing more than a means to serve their ends. Yet, to you, their aggression is a weapon that leaves you feeling hurt, confused, perhaps even bullied.
When someone uses impulsive aggression it's usually as a result of an unmet expectation or need, and they now feel wronged or let down. Sometimes their anger may build; other times something suddenly happens which makes them angry, even enraged.
Whether someone is using instrumental aggression or is impulsively aggressive (the situations in this chapter are examples of both), it can be difficult to manage your own feelings. There are, though, ways to avoid reacting emotionally to someone else's hostility; you'll need to use listening skills and take an assertive approach.
You can choose whether to let the hostile person dictate to you what is going to be done. You can choose whether to engage. You can walk away at any point in the confrontation with a hostile person.
It's helpful to remind yourself whose problem this really is: the hostile person's, not yours. Only take responsibility for your own actions. You are not responsible for anyone else's behaviour or for the emotions someone else is feeling. You are not to blame if they choose to be angry or upset with you, someone or something else. They need to manage their own feelings and reactions.
With aggressive people you must send a clear signal that you are strong and capable – anything less is an invitation for further attacks.
You can, however, help or exacerbate the situation according to your responses.
If you step out boldly, you send out a quite different message, one of confidence.
Remember to use assertive body language; you may not be feeling very confident but you'll certainly look it. Remind yourself to use just two or three confident actions:
stand or sit straight
keep your head level
relax your shoulders
spread your weight evenly, on both legs
If sitting, keep your elbows on the arms of your chair (rather than tightly against your sides)
make appropriate eye contact
lower the pitch of your voice
speak more slowly.
If you can just use one or two of those things consistently, your thoughts, feelings and the rest of your behaviour will catch up. It's a dynamic process where small changes in how you use your body can add up to a big change in how you feel, how you behave and the impact you have on other people.
An aggressive manager
Ricardo works as a journalist for a local newspaper. He gets on quite well with his editor, Moira, but sometimes – particularly when she's stressed – Moira has an aggressive approach that Ricardo finds intimidating. Moira often demands rather than asks. She doesn't listen and interrupts others when they're talking.
Yesterday, she snapped at Ricardo that a feature he'd written was ‘pointless’ and ‘badly written’. When Ricardo attempted to discuss it with her, she interrupted him and told him that he should either rewrite the feature or ‘spike’ it. She then went off to a meeting.
The difficulty
If you have someone like Moira in your life – a manager, colleague or family member – it's easy to feel demoralized and got at by their behaviour. We're not talking about someone who is a full-on bully here; this is more about someone who, in many ways, is a reasonable person. It's just that sometimes – maybe when they're stressed – their abrasiveness is difficult to deal with.
Their intimidating approach makes it unlikely that someone will have the courage to challenge them. But unless you challenge the other person, they are not going to change.
Of course, you need confidence to tell other people how you do or don't want them to behave towards you.
But rather than let fear and anxiety paralyse you, you need to deal with people like Moira despite your fears. You'll need courage to face them despite your fear and concerns.
Is it you?
It could be. Maybe they could be like this with anyone but you appear weaker than others around you and make it easy for someone like Moira to ignore, interrupt or criticize you.
You must not try to please or pacify them or ingratiate yourself with them, but you can't stay silent either.
Your aim
To say how you do and don't want to be treated.
What to do and say
1. Decide what the problem is
Is it that the other person has shouted at you? Is it that they have unfairly criticized you for something you've done? Perhaps they aren't listening to you. Do they keep interrupting? Before you say anything, be very clear with yourself what it is you don't like about the way they are behaving towards you. Set limits. What are you willing and unwilling to accept from someone else's behaviour?
Say what you do or don't want. Get used to telling it how you see it. If someone snaps at you, saying, for example, ‘I've told you twice already!’ don't just automatically shrink or attack. Calmly say, ‘I'd rather you just told me again, instead of snapping at me.’ If the other person responds with, ‘Don't be ridiculous. I didn't snap at you,’ simply respond by saying, ‘I'm not being ridiculous. Could you just explain it again?’ Or if someone were using sarcasm against you, you would respond with, ‘Could you please just tell me what you want?’
If they interrupt you, wait until they finish and say, ‘I'd like to finish what I was saying now.’
2. Start with ‘I’ not ‘you’
A sure-fire way to get someone on the defensive is to start a sentence with the word ‘you’.
‘You always interrupt!’ or ‘You never listen!’ A sentence that starts with the word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an accusation against the other person that will alert them to become defensive.
Blaming someone else is not going to solve the problem, so take responsibility for what you think or feel.
Avoid insults. Say how you feel and what you do or don't want without putting the other person down. Suggesting that someone is mad or bad will only provoke derision and resistance.
3. Choose where and when: Time and place
It may not be appropriate to respond to the other person immediately, for example in front of other people or if one of you is stressed. However, if you have to wait for an appropriate time and place, don't let things build up to such an extent that they just get worse. Tackle it as soon as possible.
4. Listen, respond briefly but stand your ground
For example, when Ricardo later told Moira, ‘I didn't get a chance to discuss the feature in more detail. You went off before I could explain or ask you more about what exactly it was that you wanted.’ Moira snapped back, ‘Look, I told you what you'd written just wasn't right. I can't see what the problem is.’ Ricardo replied, ‘I know you said it wasn't right and you can't see what my problem is.’ [acknowledging what Moira said] ‘Please don't snap at me. Can we talk about it – now or later?’ [sticking to what he wants]
Remember to keep your tone calm and neutral. Avoid whining or coming across as hostile in any way.
You may not get what you want every time, but don't let that deter you. If you consistently respond to someone in this assertive way then, more than likely, the message will get through.
Angry customer or client
Paul works on the reception desk of an adult education centre. Last week he was faced with an angry student, Veronica. She told Paul that she'd recently enrolled online on two courses: a French course and an IT course. When Veronica arrived for the French course, Paul's colleague could find no record of her enrolment – the course was now full and Veronica would not be able to join it. Veronica was disappointed.
The following week, Veronica arrived for the IT course, only to discover that it was cancelled. There weren't enough students to run the course. Paul's colleague had failed to let Veronica know in good time.
Veronica was now angry, telling Paul that the adult education centre was ‘useless’. She demanded to know what Paul was going to do to rectify th
e situation.
The difficulty
When someone is angry, the anger has overtaken the rational, reasonable part of their mind. It's easy for them to become unreasonable and illogical. Their ability to think in a calm, reasonable way has been switched off. So, it's as if you are communicating with the emotion, not the person. In this situation, you can't tell the person (unless they are being abusive) to go away and come back when they're feeling calmer. You will probably have to deal with it there and then.
Is it you?
No. Unless you're the one responsible for the mistake. Even then, you cannot be responsible for how someone else feels – just as no one can make you feel a certain way. You also can't be responsible for how they respond.
Your aim
To listen to and acknowledge the other person's situation and feelings and offer a solution.
What to do and say
1. Use reflective listening
Reflective listening can defuse a situation like this. It helps the other person see that their feelings and point of view are being taken seriously. Reflective listening also helps you to manage the exchange.
An angry person needs to let it all out, so don't say anything until they've finished. Don't interrupt, defend yourself or disagree – if you do, you are just adding fuel to the fire.
Once they have finished speaking, acknowledge what they've said.
Here's how Paul handled it:
Veronica: This is ridiculous. First, you don't have my enrolment then, when you do have my enrolment details, no one contacts me to let me know the course is cancelled. I've been let down twice. I could have signed up for the French class at another college but I've probably missed the closing date for that now. No one here seems to know what they're doing. What are you going to do about it? You're useless.
