by Gill Hasson
Paul: I understand that you're very disappointed and that we've let you down [acknowledging what was said and how she feels]. I'm sorry this has happened. What I suggest…
Veronica: [interrupting Paul] Yes. I am very disappointed. I feel very let down. So what are you going to do about it?
Paul: What I was going to say was that I could see what other days we have a French class that might suit you. Or–
Veronica: [interrupting again] I can only do Monday or Friday mornings.
Paul: OK. You're only free on those two mornings [acknowledging what Veronica said]. If we don't have anything on a Friday, I can phone the college on the other side of town and see what they have on a Monday or Friday.
By using reflective listening in the same way that Paul has, you avoid being drawn into arguments and remain focused on the issue in hand by responding only to what is relevant and what you can or should deal with.
The conversation continued:
Veronica: What about the IT class? I really need to get some IT skills and I was relying on getting on this course to help me. My friend Jamal has done this course. He said the tutor is really good. I enrolled online. What happened there? Why wasn't my registration processed?
Paul: OK, you still want to get onto an IT class. That's great to hear that someone else has recommended the course to you [acknowledging]. Let me sort out the French class first and we can move on to looking into IT classes. I'm not sure why your online enrolment failed [acknowledging]. If you enrol online in future, do make sure you receive a confirmation email. If you don't, you can phone us to check [offering a solution].
2. Negotiate and offer compromises
Where possible, aim to negotiate and offer a compromise solution and alternative course of action. Paul has done this. Although it's difficult with someone who is rude, do refrain from making judgements. Paul, for example, did not say, ‘You should have realized you didn't have a place when you didn't get a confirmation email. Anyone would know that.’ Instead, he phrased it in more helpful way, saying, ‘If you enrol online in future, do make sure you receive a confirmation email. If you don't, you can phone us to check.’
It's not the easiest approach, but responding to rudeness with a pleasant neutral attitude can help defuse the situation and give the other person a way to back down with grace. Being respectful and kind can also help you feel less stressed when you're faced with someone who is difficult to deal with.
Angry teenager
Mo's son, Jack, is 13. In recent months, Mo has battled with Jack about a variety of things which ended up with Jack flying off the handle, shouting and swearing at Mo. Yesterday, he had the following exchange with Jack:
Mo: I got a text from your history teacher. Why didn't you do your homework?
Jack: I just didn't. I'm fucking pissed off with that teacher.
Mo: Don't you dare talk like that!
Jack: Why not? You swear, too.
Mo: I'm warning you. You'd better change your attitude. And go and clean up your room.
As Jack storms off to his room, Mo says he's going to remove Jack's Xbox from his room for a week. He says, ‘I warned you this would happen if you didn't do your homework again.’ (Mo relents the next day and lets Jack keep his Xbox.)
Jack complains loudly and emotionally about how unfair Mo is. Before he slammed his bedroom door, Mo heard him mumble under his breath ‘Stupid bastard.’
The difficulty
It's disturbing and upsetting when your young son or daughter turns into someone who is openly hostile.
If your teenager's behaviour and your reactions are well established, it won't be easy to break the cycle. But don't let this put you off. Rather than seeing things in terms of ‘me versus you’, you can use a ‘beginner's mind’: you can try a new, more constructive approach. It's never too late!
Is it you?
Yes. It is you. You are the parent and you are the adult. It's your job to take control. You don't have to put up with swearing but be careful how you react, because your response can either improve or weaken your relationship. Being too lenient could lead to more worrisome behaviour. Be too strict, though, and your teenager could feel that they can't express himself, which will lead to a communication shutdown.
Your aim
To say what is and isn't acceptable. To set limits and consequences and to stick to them.
What to do and say
1. Use reflective listening
You can help avoid a full-blown argument and manage the situation before it has a chance to get out of hand by using reflective listening. It will help to slow the situation down. Here's how Mo could start to handle the exchange:
Mo: I've received a text from your history teacher. Why didn't you do your homework?
Jack: I just didn't. I'm fucking pissed off with that teacher.
Mo: You might feel strongly about your teacher [acknowledging what Jack said], but can you tell me why you didn't do your homework?
Jack: Because I just didn't. All right?
Mo: Fine. I can see you're angry [acknowledging Jack's feelings]. Let's talk about it later.
Jack: No, I'm not going to fucking talk about it later.
At this point, saying anything more is likely to escalate the situation. When one or both of you are angry, the anger will overtake the rational, reasonable part of your mind and it's easy to become unreasonable and illogical. Either person's ability to think in a calm, reasonable way will have been overridden.
Here, Jack is already angry – Mo must keep his reaction as mild as possible. Yelling, making threats or shouting ‘How dare you? I'm your father!’ will only make things worse.
2. Choose the right time to discuss the situation
Later, when you are feeling calm and your teenager is likely to be more receptive, you need to talk. Negotiate. Be clever about it. If your teenager asks you for something – a lift, to lend them some money etc. – say, ‘Sure. But first, we need to talk about…’
You may feel that rather than risk a row it's easier to let it go. But if you ignore the situation, nothing will change – it may even get worse. You need to have a ‘problem-solving conversation’.
3. Decide what it is that you do and don't want: Set limits
You need to be clear about what is and is not acceptable to you.
By all means let your teenager blow off steam and express their anger and frustration, but you must set limits about swearing and abusive language. You may feel that any swearing is completely unacceptable or that it's OK in certain circumstances. Either way, be aware that there's a difference between swearing in general and swearing at someone.
Swearing in general is using extreme language and expletives in frustration or to emphasise something. Swearing at someone – calling them names – is verbal abuse. It's an aggressive attack directed at a person.
So ‘I'm fucking pissed off with that teacher’ is swearing in general. When he mumbled, ‘Stupid bastard,’ Jack was being verbally abusive. There's no excuse for abuse of any kind. It is not just disturbing, it's damaging. (If you swear in general or at your kids or partner, you must take responsibility and think about how you justify or change your behaviour.)
4. Start with ‘I’ not ‘you’
A sentence that starts with the word ‘you’ is probably going to involve an accusation against the other person that will alert them to become defensive.
In contrast, ‘I’ statements will give him or her less to challenge. The other person can argue with you if you say, ‘You are out of order…’ but not with ‘I feel upset…’
Make sure you own your feelings. Do not tell someone that they are making you feel like you do.
Simply say, ‘I feel embarrassed/angry/upset when…’ This also shows that you are affected by the issue and therefore need to resolve it.
5. Be prepared: Identify consequences
Although Mo will accept swearing in general, he (understandably) gets upset if Jack is abusive towards h
im.
It's important to calmly think of consequences before you approach someone about their hostile behaviour. Remember to think in terms of solutions and consequences, not threats and punishments. Threats and punishments usually lead to more conflict. Solutions and consequences, though, give you answers and ways forward.
Mo decided that the solution to Jack's verbal abuse was to tell him how he felt about it (upset), what he wanted (for Jack to stop swearing at him) and what the consequences would be if he didn't comply. Mo said that if he swore at him and called him names, then he wouldn't do whatever it was that he next asked from Mo, give Jack a lift to his friend's house that evening, for example.
However, one thing is crucial: whatever consequences you decide on, you have to stand firm and carry out those consequences.
Let your teenager know there will be consequences if he or she crosses the line. Let them know ahead of time so they won't be caught by surprise when you impose those consequences. Most importantly, follow through. Being consistent and sticking to what you say is the only way to show you mean business!
Of course, there may be fallout as a result. They may sulk, get angry or burst into tears. They may stop talking to you. If you stand your ground, you must accept that there may be consequences. Do not, though, let that be a reason for you to give in.
Road rage
Shona was driving through the countryside on a minor road to a meeting in a town 20 miles away. There was very little traffic but at one point, when Shona glanced in her mirror, she saw another car was suddenly driving very close to hers. Shona knew they'd reach a straight stretch in a couple of miles and thought that the other car would pass then.
When she glanced in the mirror again, the other driver was gesturing angrily at her. Shona felt a bit scared but was determined not to let the other person ‘win’. However, before they did reach the straight stretch of road, the other driver overtook Shona on a bend and cut her off, forcing her to swerve onto a grass verge.
Remember, thinking of solutions, alternative courses of action and consequences gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn't cooperate.
The difficulty
To remain calm and not to engage with the other driver. Once you get angry, you are also guilty of road rage. It's dangerous to both of you as well as other drivers and will only escalate the situation.
Is it you?
Yes and no. Of course, it's not your fault if the other person drives in such a dangerous way; there's no excuse for road rage.
But, if you're determined not to let the other person pass, if you deliberately speed up or brake to warn the other person off, you are exacerbating the situation.
Don't give another driver another reason to get mad at you. Make sure you're concentrating properly when driving. Don't be guilty of ‘lane hogging’. Don't let yourself be distracted by loud music or passengers in your car. And put your mobile phone somewhere out of sight so you're not tempted to use it while driving.
Your aim
To remain safe and calm.
What to do and say
1. Choose to be passive
Say nothing. If an angry driver yells at you or makes an angry or obscene gesture, do not respond in the same way. Keep your eyes on the road and as soon as it's safe, get out of the way of an aggressive driver. Try to make it safe for him or her to pass you: pull in, turn off or go round a roundabout twice.
Assuming that what you do want is to be safe and what you don't want is to get into a verbal or physical confrontation, put your pride in the back seat.
Why try to block that driver or confront them? You can control the situation more easily than that. How? Simply decide that you will let the other driver pass as soon as it's safe to do so. Regard it as a positive decision in the face of overwhelming odds that are not of your choosing and not of your making.
Do not challenge another driver by speeding up or trying to prevent him or her from getting into your lane. This will not change their attitude or behaviour. Rather, it will create an opportunity for the situation to escalate.
And don't sacrifice your own safety on the road by allowing yourself to be intimidated or break the speed limit.
Afterwards, if necessary, pull over where and when it's safe to do so, calm down then continue your journey once you're feeling steadier.
If you're being persistently harassed by the same aggressive driver, you may want to make your way to a safe, public place and call the police.
Use tact and strength
Openly hostile people are belligerent; they're ready for a confrontation, so dealing with them requires both tact and strength. On the one hand, you want to avoid provoking more anger and hostility but, on the other hand, you don't want to say or do anything that will make you appear scared, weak or a pushover.
Even if you started off feeling quite calm, when faced with an openly hostile person, you could soon feel yourself getting confused and upset, frustrated or angry.
The challenge is to manage your own heightened emotions and the other person's. Whatever the situation, there are ways to avoid reacting emotionally to someone else's hostility.
There are several dos and don'ts to consider:
Do
Clarify what, exactly, the other person's problem is.
Find out what they do and don't want.
Set limits: what levels of open hostility are you willing and unwilling to accept?
Acknowledge the other person's situation and feelings
Consider compromises and solutions.
Listen. Acknowledge the response but, if you need to, stand your ground.
Choose a couple of assertive gestures, expressions, stances and actions to help you come across with confidence. You may not be feeling very confident but you'll certainly look it.
Don't
Interrupt, counter-attack, get abusive, sling insults or place blame.
Become overly defensive or counter-attack; this will only cause them to restate their case more heatedly.
Stick around if you feel threatened or unsafe.
Chapter 6
Dealing With Indirect Hostility
Dealing with somebody who is angry, upset or disappointed but unwilling or unable to be direct and honest about it is usually confusing and often infuriating.
Most of the time, it's unclear why they choose to behave in this way; their motives and intentions are hidden. If you confront a person when they're behaving in an indirectly hostile way, they will deny responsibility and turn it round on you instead.
Experience teaches most of us to avoid or minimize being around people like this. Too often, though, that difficult person is a family member or colleague, and managing the relationship by distancing yourself or cutting yourself off altogether is not really possible.
If you do have to interact with these people on a regular basis, tolerating their passive aggression will only encourage the negative behaviour to continue and intensify. The answer is to be prepared for a difficult encounter, knowing it will take a special effort to hold onto your own sense of self, stay calm to get some straight answers and clarify what's going on.
Remaining calm and composed in the face of unreasonableness will help you figure out exactly what you're dealing with. You can then plan a way forward.
Rather than try to change their attitude and behaviour, focus on how well you can manage your own. Let yourself, not the other person, be the one who sets the tone of the relationship.
Here, we look at how to assertively guide the other person into more constructive action in four different situations.
The wrong-footer
Carrie works for a small training company. She has been asked by her manager to work with Ben to write and deliver a training course for a new client. The last time Carrie worked with Ben was to deliver training to a group of medical staff. When they were planning that training, Ben was quite n
egative about Carrie's ideas for the training. He contributed very little himself; Carrie felt it was all left to her. On the training day, Ben didn't keep to the training plan. Instead, he added in a couple of new training activities and ‘forgot’ to deliver the training in the way that Carrie thought they'd agreed on. She was thrown off balance; she felt confused and her confidence was undermined.
When Carrie tried to talk to Ben about it the next day, he just shrugged and said that, on the day, he just came up with some ideas that he thought would be worth using, that he couldn't see what the problem was. Now she has to work with him again.
The difficulty
It can be incredibly frustrating when you think someone has agreed to a plan of action only to discover that you've been wrong-footed; the other person has deliberately done something you didn't expect that has put you in a difficult situation.
They are behaving in a seemingly harmless way but their insidious, underhand ways take you by surprise and, one way or another, put you at a disadvantage.
Whether it's a colleague, a friend or family member, a tradesperson – a builder, plumber, gardener – if you confront the ‘wrong-footer’ about their unpredictable behaviour, they will probably make excuses such as, ‘I changed my mind’ or claim, ‘I did tell you’, ‘You didn't ask me’ or ‘I didn't agree to do that.’
This type of sabotage can undermine you and make it appear that it's you who doesn't know what they're doing. You are left feeling confused and frustrated.
