by Gill Hasson
So, in order to start moving things forward, clearly identify what the problems with the work or project are. For Eunice and her team, one of the problems is that Peri avoids taking the initiative and doesn't appear to know what she's doing. What Eunice needs is for Peri to up her skills and be more confident.
3. Find solutions
Having identified a problem and thought about what, exactly, you need or want, you can decide what options there are for a solution.
Eunice thought through what the options were and discussed it with a couple of colleagues. They came up with a solution: to get someone to act as a mentor for Peri.
4. Use your communication skills
Just because he or she has disengaged, there's no need to cut out your manager completely. Keep lines of communication open and keep your manager informed. Eunice presented the options for dealing with Peri. She said, ‘We're having problems. I've talked with Jim and Roz and here's what we think might help… What do you think?’ Ask open questions.
Give him or her ideas. Follow your suggestions with asking, ‘How does that sound to you? Will that be OK with you if I/we go ahead?’ Give them the opportunity to provide feedback or direction; ask if there's anything else you think you should consider – anything they'd like you to include.
Request specific actions when you need support. For example, ‘Could you ask HR to send us the information we need for this?’ or ‘Can we have a team meeting every Friday so you can give us feedback and let us know how you want to take things forward for the following week?’ But limit how much you ask of them, to eliminate the disappointments.
Offer to do the work: ‘Is it OK if I draft an email from you asking for the resources we need?’
As you work through this process, document everything, so that you can explain your actions if challenged.
Don't think of it as carrying your manager; you and your colleagues can either let the situation dominate your job – moaning and complaining or falling apart – or do something about it.
This will reflect well on your management skills, as well as help you develop good working relationships with your colleagues. It's a win–win situation!
The needy friend
Rae and Olivia are housemates at university. Since Olivia split up from her boyfriend six months ago, she has lost a lot of confidence.
Olivia doesn't see her friends or go out as often as she used to but when she does she lets Rae make the arrangements, deferring to whatever Rae suggests, saying things like, ‘I don't mind’ and ‘It's up to you.’ Before they go out, Olivia always asks what Rae thinks she should wear and once they are out – at the pub or parties – Olivia sticks by Rae's side for the evening.
Rae likes Olivia but she's finding it difficult to deal with Olivia's apathy and indecision. In fact, she's finding Olivia clingy and needy.
The difficulty
When someone is going through a difficult period in their lives, it's understandable that they feel unsure and may want to be around you more. The difficulty is to balance being understanding and supportive with making sure the other person doesn't become too dependent on you.
Is it you?
No. But you do need to know when to draw the line and be able to say no – without feeling guilty – to someone who is starting to cling to you and become needy.
Your aim
To find a balance between supporting the other person while helping them not to be too dependent on you. To help them build their confidence.
What to do and say
1. Set limits and stick to them
When you support someone by doing things like making social arrangements, reassuring and just being there for someone like Olivia, you're being a good friend. Although it's important to do this for the short term, in the long run it can create a dependent relationship: your friend's well-being will become dependent on you.
You need to set some limits. Setting limits is not always easy but it helps stop you being entangled in the other person's worries. Limits also give you the ability to step back and think about how best you can help someone else to manage their anxiety.
2. Decide what you do and don't want
In each situation, think about your own needs and what does and doesn't work for you. For example, Rae decided that she didn't want Olivia's social life to revolve exclusively round her. Rae wanted Olivia to go out with her other friends.
3. Identify a solution
Once you have decided what you do and don't want, rather than resent the fact that it's not happening you need to decide what your options are for a solution and take action.
Thinking of solutions and alternative courses of action gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction events are going to take.
Rae decided to ask Olivia's other friends to invite Rae to do things with them. Rae told Olivia's friends she was concerned about Olivia and asked that they persuade Olivia to come to the pub with them the next evening.
4. Stand firm
Learn to say no. ‘No’ is a powerful word but often it's hard to say, especially when it comes to friendships.
When Rae told Olivia she was going home for the weekend, Olivia asked if she could come too. It wasn't easy, but Rae had to say no. She didn't give lots of excuses or apologies. She simply explained that she wanted to spend some time on her own, with her parents and little sister.
Of course, if you choose to stand your ground, there may be fallout as a result. The other person may sulk, get angry or burst into tears. They may stop talking to you. If you stand your ground, you must accept that there may be consequences.
But you need to keep in mind that saying no to give yourself more space and to do the things you need to do without your friend is an essential part of weaning them off needing you so much. Rae didn't completely dodge her friend, but she didn't make herself so available.
5. Negotiate and compromise
Try to offer an alternative that works for you and benefits the other person as well. Rae suggested that Olivia invite some friends over for a takeaway and a film on the Sunday evening, when Rae was back from her visit home. Olivia was unsure. Rae simply said, ‘I'll leave it with you.’
When you negotiate and offer to compromise, you've neither given in to the other person nor become so het up that you end up saying something you'll regret.
Remember, though, that if you do choose to negotiate or compromise, bend as far as you can, but no further. Know what your limits are and stand your ground.
6. Say how you feel
Are you spending too much time trying to help your friend through life or coming away from every encounter feeling drained and resentful?
If you choose to tell the other person how you're feeling, make sure you own your feelings. Do not tell them that they are making you feel like you do. Be honest about what's bothering you; don't lie and make up excuses.
It's not easy being told you're needy or you're draining someone. If you care about the friendship, you'll want to do it in a way that's kind.
If you think your friend needs more help than you can provide, it's best to make that clear. Rae said to Olivia, ‘I'm not doing the best thing for you. You need something more than I can do. I can, though, come with you to see your GP or the university counselling service.’
Get them to participate and contribute
When you come across someone who is calm, kind and agreeable, you'll probably be pleased that you've met someone who is easy-going, easy to like and get along with. However, as you get to know them, it may become apparent that they leave all the doing and thinking to you and other people; they are indecisive or indifferent, lacking in confidence or just plain lazy.
You start to realize that it's mostly you who initiates and commits to things and it's usually you who makes the decisions and puts in most of the effort.
It's fine if you support them in the short term, but in the long run tolerating someone else's lack of par
ticipation creates an unequal relationship. Someone is going to end up feeling resentful – and that person will be you!
Remember, it's easier and kinder to deal with a passive person when you like them and when you view them positively rather when you've become annoyed and resentful towards them. Before you become too irritated and impatient with them, you need to motivate them to make a contribution, be involved and stay committed.
There are several dos and don'ts to consider:
Do
Have positive expectations. Don't write off a passive person. Instead, expect that you can get some sort of contribution and commitment.
Decide in what way you want them to be involved in something, what you need or want the other person to do.
Get them to contribute a skill or strength or something you know they can give that's within their ability.
Request specific actions but limit how much you ask of them, to avoid disappointment.
Negotiate and compromise. Give the other person some ideas – follow your suggestions with ‘How does that sound to you?’
Decide what the solution will be to avoid being let down and disappointed if the other person doesn't contribute or participate.
Recognize that if they won't contribute you must either accept it or leave them out.
Don't
Make yourself so available. Don't put in all the time or effort.
Let the other person be so dependent and rely on you.
Waste time and effort moaning and complaining about their lack of participation. Instead, focus on what it is you want and find other ways to get what you need.
Give in. Learn to say no and stick to it if the other person would rather let you do it all.
Part Three
When All Else Fails
Chapter 8
Dealing With Impossible People
Some people are more than difficult. They're impossible. The only way to deal with an impossible person is to remove yourself from them; to let them go and walk away. Of course, this is easier said than done. You'll need to think through the pros and cons for eliminating someone from your life; you'll need to consider what you have to lose and what you have to gain by letting them go and walking away.
But before we look at how to do that, let's look first at what sort of person is impossible. Quite simply, if you think you are dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. They may be possible for other people, but for you they're impossible to deal with.
Below are some impossible types – people who, for most of us, are impossible.
Critical, impossible-to-please impossible people
When someone is being critical it's because they've got a problem – a situation that needs a solution. Their problem is that they can't accept you for who you are and the way you are. Their solution? To get you to change, to make it your problem.
They want you to adopt their values, beliefs and ways of doing things. They never hesitate to let you know, in totally inappropriate ways, that you just don't measure up. They're impossible to please; whatever you do, it will never be good enough. They'll always insist that you could do better.
It could be a parent or in-law, a sibling, your adult son or daughter, a friend, colleague or manager. Whoever it is, they respond with criticism and judgement instead of pleasure or approval, whatever you do. They respond with criticism and judgement when you make a mistake. They often label you in an unfair way – saying you're ‘clumsy’, or ‘not very clever’, ‘hopeless’, ‘selfish’, ‘lacking ambition’ and so on.
Their criticisms and judgement can seriously undermine your self-confidence. You may start to believe there is something wrong with you and internalize their critical voice inside your head. If you let their criticisms and demands define you, these people will steal your life from you; their fiction will become your life story.
If you can't (or won't) cut them out of your life, you need to know that any time you spend trying to argue with them and convince them of the person you really are will be wasted.
If you can't (or won't) cut them out of your life, minimize the amount of time you spend with them. Tell them as little about yourself as you can. Don't seek their approval or give them any excuse to disapprove. Don't say anything that will give them the opportunity to dump their negative opinions and judgements on you. Only tell them what you think they absolutely need to know.
When you ignore their opinions and decide to be who you are, instead of who they want you to be, you open yourself up to being the person you want to be and on your own terms.
Identifying your values can help here (see Chapter 2). If what the other person wants you to be is at odds with your values, then you are never going to feel right trying to please them and be who they want you to be. When you are trying to behave in ways that contradict your values, you are not being true to yourself.
What does being ‘true to yourself’ really mean, though? It means being true to what's important to you – what you value – not what's important to someone else and what they think is important for you. Being true to yourself means following what you believe over what other people want you to do or be.
There's more to you than what the critical, impossible-to-please person sees, so keep in mind that what you're capable of is not the result of what they think. Look beyond their judgements and limiting criticisms and find the courage to be yourself. Your real value is in who you are, not who you aren't!
You can't control what others think about you, so leave them to their own judgements. They're going to find fault whatever you do. Let people like you or love you for who you are and not for who they want you to be. Or let them walk away!
Persistently negative impossible people
Much like the critical, impossible-to-please person, the persistently negative person has the ability to change your mood in an instant.
They constantly moan and complain about their life: their job, the weather, their family, friends and neighbours, where they live and so on. They're negative about where they've been and what they've done, where they are now and what they're doing now. They're negative about where they're going and what they'll be doing. They don't have a good word to say about anyone or anything.
If you ask them about a happy event – a meal out, their holiday or their sister's wedding, for example – they can only tell you about the negative aspects: what they didn't like, what went wrong and so on. They are so entrenched in seeing the negative side of things that they leave no room for positive things to happen.
Persistently negative people drain the life out of you. If you can't, or won't, cut them out of your life then at least cut down the time you spend with them. And when you are with them, avoid correcting their negative views because they'll only find a way to contradict your positive interpretations. Instead, say, ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh’ and ‘I see’ to acknowledge what they say without agreeing or challenging them. Saying any more than the bare minimum will just add fuel to the fire.
Drama queens
Do you know someone who reacts to events with excessive emotion and behaves in theatrical, attention-grabbing ways? Do they make a big deal out of everything? In a situation that you'd score a 3 or 4 on the drama scale, do they take it up to a 10? Yes? Then you've got a drama queen on your hands!
They're the people who blow things out of all proportion. They manage to turn ordinary problems into catastrophes, but unless they're living in a war zone, the chances are that a lot of this drama is self-created.
Drama queens enjoy being the centre of attention. In fact, if they have to manufacture a scene to focus the spotlight on them, it's not a problem.
A drama queen could be the friend you're at the coffee shop with who doesn't get the right coffee and is rude and obnoxious to the person serving him. He may even drag the other customers into the situation. Or it could be the person who blows every argument with her partner or colleague out of all proportion and then spends ages telling you about it – exaggerati
ng every detail. Drama queens are often experts at seeing themselves as the victim, as badly wronged and as deserving a lot better than what they're getting.
They have no sense of proportion. Small things like wine being spilt on their shoes, or someone inadvertently ignoring them, are viewed as disasters. There are no minor mishaps in the drama queen's world!
It's always about them – they have little time to hear about what's happening in your life. And when they do, they either turn it into a drama or they top it with an even more dramatic story of their own.
They will cast you into their dramas and if you take a side you will simply add more drama to the whole situation. You'll find yourself being sucked into their life of conflict and opposition.
If you can't, or won't, cut them out of your life, minimize the amount of time you spend with them. And when you do spend time listening to their dramas, use reflective listening skills. Don't offer your opinions. Don't get involved in their drama. Stay out of it! Simply acknowledge what they say with an ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh’ and ‘I see’. Once again, saying any more than the bare minimum will just add fuel to the fire.
Self-centred impossible people
Closely related to the drama queen are their quieter, self-centred cousins. They don't particularly dramatize or exaggerate but they do routinely prioritize talking about their own feelings, situations and needs over and above yours.
If you try to talk about something to do with yourself, they steer the conversation back to themselves: their job, their health, partner, kids, work and social life. They're not interested in your thoughts and feelings.
We're not talking here about people who are interested only in themselves some of the time – we're talking about people who are only concerned with talking about themselves all the time. They are so self-absorbed that there's absolutely no room for you.
