by Gill Hasson
What stronger message do you need? There's no room for you. Leave right now!
Bullies
If someone is persistently badgering, dominating or intimidating you, you're being bullied. If someone is continually coercing and threatening you, criticizing or humiliating you, tyrannizing you or making abusive remarks and insulting you, you're being bullied.
Bullying can occur to your face or behind your back. Direct, overt bullying is obvious and aggressive. Indirect bullying is more underhand and less detectable. Bullying can happen face to face, by phone, text or social media.
Bullies seem to know exactly how to get at you. Sometimes you may wonder whether they actually enjoy causing so much distress. You're right: they probably do enjoy it.
How come? Well, for most of us, when we see someone else is upset or in pain we feel sympathy for the other person; we recognize the other person is hurt or upset and we feel compassion for them.
However, bullies don't interpret other people's painful emotions as a bad thing. Not only do they not care, they actually like it.
If you're being bullied you may well feel very upset, anxious, frightened, ashamed or embarrassed. You may feel angry and frustrated. You mustn't try to please, pacify or ingratiate yourself with them, but you must do something. The bully will not go away.
Staying silent and telling no one will only isolate you while at the same time empowering the bully, so you must get help and support.
If you feel there is no one to talk to, don't suffer in silence; there is help out there. There are organizations that specialize in supporting anyone who is being bullied. Do visit any of these websites for support and information:
http://www.bullying.co.uk/
https://www.gov.uk/workplace-bullying-and-harassment
http://www.nspcc.org.uk
http://www.childline.org.uk.
If you're being bullied, you'll probably be feeling that there's no respite and no release from the stress that they're causing you. Unfortunately, bullies are compulsive in their behaviour; once they start on their target, they won't let go. The answer? Leave. Leave the job, the relationship or the social media account.
Walking away is the best thing to do, for in doing so you regain control. You take away the opportunity for the bully to behave like this towards you.
Bullies are clever, but you can be clever too. You do have a choice about how to respond. Simply ask yourself what's most important. Is it that you don't want to let the bully ‘win’? Is that the most important issue?
Rather than think in terms of one of you winning or losing, isn't it better to think about keeping yourself safe and sane?
Sure, it can be difficult to walk away from a job or a relationship. But know this: the energy that's draining out of you as a result of being bullied can – if you're being bullied at work, for example – be used to get a new job or – if you're being bullied in a relationship or by a housemate or a neighbour – that energy can be used to find somewhere else to live. And if you're being bullied by email, phone or via social media, close the account. You can always get a new one.
Being bullied and trying to manage being bullied is highly stressful. You have little or no control.
Sure, you may have to walk away from a good job and financial stability, but focus on the positive: you've left the bully behind. Once you leave the bully, you can put your energy into finding a new job or somewhere to live instead of spending your energy trying to please, pacify or avoid the bully.
And if you do want to think in terms of who's won and who's lost, know that if you take control and walk away YOU have won.
You can manage to find a new job or somewhere else to live. What you can't manage is the bully. So refuse to allow your life to be wrecked and get out!
Is it you?
All the impossible types described here – the bullies, the drama queens and so on – are just a few examples of impossible people. No doubt you can think of someone who is impossible in other ways. Whoever they are, they all have one thing in common: you never look forward to seeing them. To one extent or another, the thought of spending any time with these people makes your heart sink.
It's not you. It's them. Or is it? Is there any way that it could be you?
It may be that you are actually enabling someone else's impossible behaviour. In psychology and counselling, the word ‘enabling’ is used to describe a situation where one person responds, often with good intentions, to another in a way that perpetuates and even exacerbates another person's (often destructive) behaviour.
The enabler may do this by rescuing them from their self-imposed predicaments. For example, with their teenager who always loses their phone, the parent buys them a new one each time. Or the husband who loses his job again and his wife does overtime or takes on a second job to compensate.
When you enable someone else's behaviour, you take responsibility or make accommodations for the other person's harmful conduct. You may bear their negative consequences for them, with the result that the person doesn't have to and so is unaware of the harm they do and the need to change.
With the impossible people we're looking at here – a critical parent or partner, for example – if you are constantly striving to meet their expectations and seek their approval, you are enabling their critical behaviour.
And, if you try to oppose or appease a bully, you are enabling them by creating conditions that allow the bully to continue their behaviour. By opposing and challenging them, they increase their hostility. By trying to pacify them, you will only be increasing their ability to humiliate you.
Although you are not to blame for their behaviour, you are responding in such a way that you are supporting their behaviour. If, on the other hand, you walk away, you take away the enabling conditions.
How to deal with impossible people
Impossible people are called ‘impossible’ for a reason. If you try to talk to them about their impossible behaviour, the chances are that you'll end up being blamed for everything: you are the impossible person and it's unbelievable that you think it's them!
Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is very difficult, if not impossible. Why is it, though, that often, despite the problems a relationship with an impossible person brings you, you push on and hope that things will get better between you?
There are several reasons why you may find it hard to let them go and walk away.
Perhaps you're scared of change and can't see an alternative way forward. Often, it's difficult to walk away from an impossible person if it could mean a big change in your life. It may be that cutting them out of your life would mean leaving your job or where you live and you worry that you will never get another job or place to live.
Another reason you may find it hard to cut someone out of your life is that you don't want to admit to yourself or others that you were wrong to have put up with an impossible person for so long. You tell yourself that you're so used to them you may as well carry on seeing them. Perhaps your family and friends told you that your partner, for example, was no good for you, or that your neighbour was intolerable – but you said that you could handle him or her and that the situation would eventually improve.
Maybe you're thinking about sunk costs: the time, effort and love you've put into the relationship or the situation. But sunk costs can fool you into sticking with something you would be better off ending; you continue to put more time, effort or money into someone or something even though it's plainly not doing you any good.
Perhaps you're finding it difficult to walk away from someone because you don't want to end up feeling guilty for cutting them out of your life. You don't want to feel that you've ‘wronged’ the other person.
Being scared of change, not wanting to admit to mistakes and wanting to avoid feeling guilty are all obstacles in the way of walking away from an impossible person. The good news is that you can get round these obstacles. You just need to change your mindset – to prepare your
self emotionally and mentally to cut an impossible person out physically.
So yes, it can be difficult to walk away from someone if it means a change in your situation. But think of it like this: the time and effort you waste trying to deal with an impossible person can be used to manage the change in your situation.
And, if you feel that it may well have been a mistake to be around an impossible person for so long, but you struggle to face up to that, just tell yourself that you did well at the time because you were at least trying to do something good – even if what you were doing was just trying to tolerate the impossible person. You can always draw something good out. At the very least, you'll have learnt something about yourself and your abilities to manage an impossible person in the future.
Just know that whether you've put up with it for a month, a year or even half a lifetime, you shouldn't carry on letting yourself be miserable because you feel all that past misery would be wasted otherwise.
Finally, if the thought of having to cope with feeling guilty is stopping you from walking away, you need to understand what guilt is: guilt is a feeling that you have done something wrong.
Instead of feeling that you are doing something wrong, recognize that you are doing something right. You are protecting yourself – your time, energy, spirit and sanity. Letting go of an impossible person doesn't mean you hate them or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being.
Deciding to cut someone out of your life is for your own good – not theirs. You're responsible for your own feelings, not theirs. So any time you feel guilty, remind yourself of the ways in which they're impossible. And then you have your reason not to feel you've done anything wrong.
Let them go and move on by focusing on what you have to gain
The best way to move on – to get past the fear of change, the guilt, the sunk costs or admitting your relationship is a mistake – is to think about what you have to gain rather than what you have to lose by pulling out.
Whatever the reason is that you're holding onto still seeing this person, ask yourself why: is it because you really will gain something or because you don't want to lose the time, energy or money you've already invested?
But if you walk away now, although it will take time to adjust, focus on the fact that you will be free to meet people who will appreciate you. You will have more time for yourself, friends and new interests, fewer arguments, less anxiety and stress and more control over your life. So focus on what you have to gain and move forward!
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
Maori proverb
If you think about what you have to gain in the future then, in your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is to allow the physical reality to reflect that fact.
In Chapter 4, you will have read about how to be assertive with other people. When it comes to cutting out impossible people, you need to be assertive with yourself; you need to decide how you feel and what exactly you do or don't want. (Use your values to help guide you.) The impossible person is not going to change and they are unlikely to go away. So you will need to identify the solution, which is for you to walk away and stand firm. Focusing on what you have to gain by cutting out the impossible person will help you with this.
Focusing on what you have to gain
Sam and Ginny, for example, had known each other since school days; they'd shared a flat when they left home and travelled around Europe and Asia together. They each went on to marry and have children and lived just 30 miles from each other. They no longer had any mutual friends but kept up with each other by email and meeting for lunch and days out every now and again.
In the last couple of years, Sam was finding Ginny draining. Ginny was incredibly negative, dull and boring. Everything centred around Ginny talking about her life – she never asked Sam about hers. She was sensitive too – when Ginny emailed a photo of her teenage daughters, Lila and Daisy, to Sam, Sam replied, ‘Lovely photo… I see Lila's lost a lot of weight!’
Unknown to Sam, Ginny's daughter had an undiagnosed eating disorder. But Ginny emailed back, ‘It was unnecessary for you to say that – we're very worried about Lila and I don't need comments like that.’
This was the last straw. Other people may not have found Ginny impossible, but Sam did. But then she thought about the history they shared and how guilty she'd feel if she didn't see Ginny any more. She talked to her partner, Nat. Nat asked Sam how, in the last couple of years, she felt at the thought of seeing Ginny. Sam recognized that, unlike meeting up with other friends whom she looked forward to seeing, Sam's heart sank – she actually felt depressed each time she thought about meeting up with Ginny. ‘Well,’ said Nat. ‘How much worse do you want to feel before you stop seeing Ginny? How much better will you feel when you know you've decided not to see her again?’
This was the prompt that Sam needed. She decided what she didn't want was to feel dread at seeing Ginny. What she did want was to see friends she felt good about. Sam recognized that she and Ginny had some very good times in the past – nothing could devalue that – but it was time to let them go and move on.
Sam decided to use what her partner Nat called the ‘stop calling and drift’ method; she wouldn't confront Ginny and tell her that she no longer wanted to be friends. It might be true, but Sam felt it wasn't necessary or kind. Instead, she quietly withdrew. She started by making excuses for not meeting up, then as the months went by she told Ginny that she had a lot on and would contact Ginny when she was more free. But Sam never did call Ginny.
Sometimes, though, an impossible person all but forces a clean break. This means that either you have to ignore them and not respond to any communication from them or you actually have to let them know that you don't want to see them any more.
Making a clean break
Naomi, for example, had a friend called Carla. They'd been close since they were both divorced, two years previously. At one point, Naomi started to feel overwhelmed by Carla's neediness – Carla almost acted as if Naomi belonged to her; she became jealous and resentful if Naomi socialized without her. Naomi tried to encourage Carla to build her own social life but Carla wouldn't listen. Naomi felt suffocated. She wanted out. She phoned Carla and said she didn't want to be friends any more.
It might not have been the kindest thing to do, but for Naomi it was necessary and true. Carla was angry and reacted by accusing Naomi of being selfish and uncaring. Naomi said nothing.
Even though it was difficult, Naomi felt relieved; she felt a great weight had been lifted.
Of course, any meaningful relationship is bound to have difficulties but if you can talk about it as things come up – if you can communicate and be assertive – there's a good chance that issues will be resolved and you'll move on together.
However, if someone is truly wearing you down or you feel your relationship is entirely one-sided, don't leave yourself in a position that compromises your well-being. Remember, letting go of an impossible person doesn't mean you hate them or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being. Deciding to cut someone out of your life is for your own good, not theirs.
Impossible people
You will probably have realized by now that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is… impossible.
More than likely, sooner or later, you and the impossible person will part ways, whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent or even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually come.
There are several dos and don'ts to consider:
Do
Recognize that some impossible people are impossible to please: whatever you do, it will never be good enough.
See beyond their judgements and criticisms and find the courage to be yourself. Your real value is in who you are, not who you aren't!
Recognize that if you can't cut them out o
f your life you can cut down the amount of time you spend with them.
Know that if you do spend time with them you should avoid correcting their views and opinions. Instead, say, ‘Mmm’, ‘Oh’ and ‘I see’ to acknowledge what they say without agreeing with or challenging them.
Let them go and move on by focusing on what you have to gain: more time for yourself, new interests, fewer arguments, less anxiety and stress. More time for other, less difficult people.
Remember that walking away is the best thing to do, for in doing so you regain control. You take away the opportunity for someone to be impossible to you.
Don't
Compromise your values and who you are.
Enable the other person's impossible behaviour; don't take responsibility or make accommodations for them.
Give them information that they can use against you. Don't say anything that will give them the opportunity to dump their negative opinions and judgements on you.
Strive to meet their expectations, seek their approval or give them any excuse to disapprove.
Try to control what they think about you; leave them to their own judgements. They're going to find fault whatever you do.
Put up with them and carry on being miserable just because you've already put up with them for a month, a year or even half a lifetime.
Dwell on what you have to lose by cutting them out; focus on what you have to gain.
Think letting go means you hate them or wish them harm. Remember, cutting someone out of your life is for your own good, not theirs.
Think in terms of one of you winning or losing. Instead, think about keeping yourself safe and sane.
