How to Deal With Difficult People
Page 13
Conclusion
Positive people
Having read this book, you'll be clearer about what makes for difficult and impossible people. You'll know that they are the ones who bring you down with their negativity, criticisms or anger. They're often self-centred and uncooperative. They're irritating, frustrating and often infuriating.
You'll know ways to identify their motives and true intentions. You will have learnt ways to deal with other people calmly, directly and honestly using assertiveness skills and techniques. You'll have strategies to stand up to others and feel more confident about knowing when to walk away.
If you do choose to spend less time with difficult and impossible people or cut them out completely, you will have more room and more time for positive people in your life; people who you feel good being around; people who you can be yourself with.
It's not difficult to spot positive people. Think about people in your life and ask yourself these questions:
What kinds of feelings does this person evoke?
How would I describe this person in three to five words?
Do I like who I am when I am around this person?
A positive person could be the person who supports you when you're down and is fun when you're up. It could be someone who provides wisdom and advice when you're lost.
A positive person could be someone who sees your strengths even when you don't. It could be someone who has compassion towards themselves and others; they are open minded and willing to learn from their own mistakes.
It could be someone you know who is courageous about following their dreams; he or she seeks to be authentic and believes in themselves. They inspire you.
They are the ones worth keeping in your life. Everyone else is just passing through.
Which people come to mind from the statements below?
Someone I can call on in a crisis.
Someone who makes me feel good about myself.
Someone I can totally be myself with.
Someone who values my opinion.
Someone who tells me how well I am doing.
Someone I can talk to if I am worried.
Someone who really makes me stop and think about what I am doing.
Someone who makes me laugh.
Someone who introduces me to new ideas, interests or new people.
You may have a different person or a number of people for each situation. Or the same one or two people may feature on the list.
People sometimes tell me that they don't have anyone in their lives who can inspire them to reach greater heights, that they don't have anyone in their lives who is fun or who can support them in difficult times.
Yes they do. So do you.
Be creative in your thinking. The positive people on your list do not just have to be friends or family; they could be colleagues or neighbours. Maybe the person who makes you laugh is a stand-up comedian on the TV. The person who you can turn to in a crisis may be a listener from the Samaritans or someone in a support group, a financial adviser or your GP. The person who inspires you could be someone you have read about who has overcome adversity.
Get in the habit of reading about people – ordinary people or famous people – who inspire you. You need positive role models in your life. But don't just read about positive people. Search them out. Search out people who have the same interests as you.
If you don't have anyone on your list who introduces you to new ideas, interests or new people, join an adult education class or a special interest group. Get together with like-minded people to develop an interest – singing, tennis, walking, local history, for example – or promote a cause – raising money for cancer research, renovating a local building, for example.
And if you want more positive people in your life, start by being more positive yourself.
Doing something to benefit someone else can make you and the person you are helping feel good. This can create a bond between you, help you to develop empathy and bring a fresh perspective to your own life and circumstances.
It's never been easier, thanks to new technologies – the Internet and social networking sites – to find other, positive people.
You become like the company you keep. So choose carefully. As Oprah Winfrey has said, ‘Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.’
About the Author
Gill Hasson is a teacher, trainer and writer. She has 20 years' experience in personal development. Her expertise is in the areas of confidence and self-esteem, communication skills, assertiveness and resilience.
Gill delivers teaching and training for education organizations, voluntary and business organizations and the public sector.
Her writing includes books on the subjects of resilience, communication skills, assertiveness, mindfulness and emotional intelligence.
Gill's particular interest and motivation is in helping people to realize their potential, to live their best life! You can contact Gill via her website www.makingsenseof.com or email her at gillhasson@btinternet.com.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to my editors Jonathan Shipley and Jenny Ng.
accommodating approach
accusations
active listening
aggression bullies
impulsive and instrumental
reactive
see also hostility; passive aggressive behaviour
agreement, confirming
anger customers
hidden
impulsive aggression
managers
non-verbal communication
road rage
teenagers
see also hostility
anxiety
apologies
assertiveness avoiding insults
basic assertions
being assertive with yourself
body language
challenging extreme terms
choosing how to respond
features of
‘I’ statements
passive aggressive people
passive people
rehearsing assertive responses
responding to hostility
starting small
where and when to be assertive
see also standing your ground
assumptions
attention-seeking behaviour
avoidance
basic assertions
‘beginner's mind’
being true to yourself
beliefs see also values
blaming others
body language see also non-verbal communication
bullies
calm, staying
changing how you respond to others
Churchill, Winston
C. Joybell C.
clusters
communication skills active listening
asking questions
empathy
minimal encouragers
reflective listening
weak managers
see also assertiveness; listening;
non-verbal communication
compliance
compromise angry customers
needy friends
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
confidence assertiveness
lack of
needy friends
non-verbal communication
responding to hostility
undermined by criticism
confidentiality
confrontation assertiveness
avoiding
direct hostile responses
openly hostile people
consequences passive aggressive people
teenagers
controlling, indirect
courage
Covey, Stephen
criticism from others
customers, angry
defensiveness
difficult people, definition of
; direct hostile responses
disappointment
disapproval, fear of
dishonesty
‘drains’
drama queens
driving
emails
emotions see feelings
empathy
‘enabling’ behaviour
envy
excuses
expectations flaky friends
positive
realistic
taking responsibility for your
weak managers
explanatory style
externalization of feelings
extreme terms
facial expressions
fear
feelings active listening
assertiveness
being bullied
expectations and
expressing your
hostile people
impulsive thinking
non-verbal communication
owning your
passive aggressive behaviour
passive behaviour
questions about
flaky friends
flexibility
forgiveness
Franklin, Benjamin
friends flaky
moving on from
needy
frustration
gestures
guilt
helplessness
honesty
hostility customers
defending yourself from
direct hostile responses
disguised
dos and don'ts
indirect hostile responses
managers
road rage
teenagers
see also aggression; anger
‘I’ statements
identifying the problem
impatience
impossible people bullies
critical people
dos and don'ts
drama queens
how to deal with
moving on from
persistently negative people
self-centred people
impossible-to-please people
impulsive aggression
impulsive thinking
indirect controlling
indirect hostile responses
inspiration from others
instrumental aggression
insults, avoiding
internalization of feelings
interruptions
intimidating behaviour
intuition
leakage
learnt helplessness
limits, setting
listening active
assertive communication
learning from good listeners
minimal encouragers
negative people
reflective
responding to hostility
teenagers
lying
managers hostile
weak
manipulative behaviour
minimal encouragers
misinterpretations
mistaken thinking
mistakes, making
needy friends
negative people
negotiation angry customers
needy friends
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
neutral responses
non-participation
non-verbal communication
‘no’, saying
paraphrasing
parents
passive aggressive behaviour dos and don'ts
indirect controlling
negative people
non-verbal communication
teenagers
wrong-footers
passive behaviour
145–60 dos and don'ts
flaky friends
needy friends
weak managers
personal rights
pessimism
positive expectations
positive people
powerlessness
pretexts
problem-solving conversations
punishments
questions, asking
‘radiators’
‘reading’ other people
reflective listening
refusal to engage
rehearsing assertive responses
86–7
relationships, ending
reliability, lack of
repeating
resentment
resigned responses
responsibility apologies
avoiding
for consequences
‘enabling’ behaviour
for other people
passive aggressive people
passive people
teenagers
weak managers
for your own feelings
rights
road rage
Rowling, J. K.
rudeness
sabotage
sarcasm
self-centred people
self-control
self-esteem
self-pity
Shakespeare, William
social media
solutions, finding angry customers
flaky friends
indirect controlling
needy friends
negative people
passive people
teenagers
weak managers
wrong-footers
standing your ground angry managers
consequences
needy friends
passive aggressive people
teenagers
see also assertiveness
sulking
summarizing
sunk costs
swearing
teasing
teenagers being assertive with
hostile behaviour
non-verbal communication
passive aggressive behaviour
threats
tone of voice
trust
tuning out
undermining behaviour
unreliability
values
verbal abuse
verbal behaviour
victim mentality
warning signs
Winfrey, Oprah
work situations angry customers
angry managers
bullying
leaving your job
passive aggressive behaviour
redundancies
weak managers
wrong-footers
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