This is How We Change the Ending
Page 24
Shoot the goat.
Shoot the goat!
SHOOT THE GOAT!
A million moments, all leading to this.
Squeeze.
The bullet whistles. It punctures something solid. An explosion of light turns everything white.
The second bullet never makes it. I can’t tell what the first bullet hit—I only know that I missed.
I’m not sure how I end up on the floor; I don’t remember falling. Instinct tells me to protect my head and my ribs, so that’s what I do: fold down, curl up around the gun, make myself small. This must be what it’s like to drown in the wave; it drags me down so deep, I don’t know which way is up. I cover my ears but all it does is amplify the whoosh and trap the repeat sound of the gunshot inside my head.
I wait for the punch or the kick.
Nothing happens.
One by one, things come back: the scratch and tickle of carpet on my cheek, the smell of rotting wood and hot metal. Enough light to hurt my eyes and a cool hand on my back. There’s a voice on the other side, telling me to get up.
‘Give it to me.’
Not Dec.
‘Bub, give it to me.’
I let go of the gun. Nance stumbles backwards, gripping it with two hands. She places it on the floor, carefully, as if it might bite. Then she’s pulling me up, squeezing my neck, forcing my head between my knees.
‘Breathe.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You’ve been doing it your whole life. Breathe.’
Nance waits for my breathing to steady and takes her hand away. She spins slowly, playing the torchlight of her phone over the wrecked room.
‘Did he do this?’
‘No.’
She looks at me sharply. ‘You?’
‘No!’
Her gaze skitters to the back door.
‘He’s not here.’ I glance at the gun. ‘You should have stayed away.’
Nance’s face is ghost-white. ‘I didn’t come back for him. I came for you.’
You shouldn’t leave the people you love behind.
She won’t look me in the eye. The light from her phone hits the neat hole above the door frame and her mouth sets. She’s all business: she picks up the gun, empties the chamber, and puts the bullet in her pocket. A brisk rub with a wet wipe and our prints are gone. She stands on the chair in the hallway and places the gun back into the roof space.
She darts into the boys’ bedroom and comes back with my backpack.
‘Is this all you need?’
She’s being careful not to give anything away, but I know she’s thinking about the second bullet.
I nod.
‘We have to go. You can come home if you—just tell me and I’ll bring you back to him. Okay?’ She grabs my hand and squeezes it to still the shaking. ‘We have to go now.’
Suddenly it’s important to me that she understands.
‘I missed.’
‘I know,’ she says. ‘I should have called out. I scared you—it’s my fault.’
Mr Reid asked if I ever did anything with intent. I did. I do.
‘Nance, I missed.’
‘Please—’
She doesn’t get it.
She pulls me along the path and out onto the street, where a white twin-cab ute is idling, headlights still on. She pushes me into the seat and fastens my seatbelt, like I’m a child, and jumps into the driver’s side. The door slams and she checks the rear-view mirror.
‘Another day, bub. What do you think?’
I think it wouldn’t have mattered if it was Dec who came through that door at point-blank range and I had all the time in the world—I still would have aimed to miss. I’m not like him. Everything he ever did made me lean in the other direction. Maybe that’s my golden ticket.
‘What about the flat?’
Nance glances over her shoulder. ‘We can’t live here anymore. You’ll see—my parents have a big house.’ She tries to smile. ‘You’ll have your own room.’
‘What about school?’ I’m not ready to get off that train. Not when it feels as if it’s finally going somewhere.
‘You can go to school there too.’
‘What about my friends?’ Merrick, Tash, Peros—
‘It’s not goodbye. You can come back when things have settled. You know, when Dec has had time to calm down.’
‘Come back,’ I say.
‘Yes.’
‘Later.’
‘Yes, later.’
‘When I’m grown, with a full set of teeth.’
Nance stares as if I’m speaking a different language, but it all makes perfect sense to me. I couldn’t shoot the goat. I am the goat.
Nance checks the mirror again. ‘If we’re going, we have to go now. I don’t know what’s the right thing, so you have to tell me.’ Her hands flutter on the wheel. ‘Tell me—what do you want?’
There’s a wheat stalk caught in the wiper. I want to touch it to see if it’s real.
‘I’m coming with you.’
I want to sleep for a thousand years.
‘Are you sure?’ she says.
I want enough headspace to write something happy for Nance. I want to hug the boys.
‘I’m sure.’
I want to find my way out of the jungle and save the world. For the first time ever, it seems possible.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Each book I write tends to colour real life in some way, and this one was harder than the others. I’m grateful to all the people who give me support, time, advice, love and patience:
the team at Text Publishing, brilliant cover designer Imogen Stubbs, and my extraordinary editor Penny Hueston (who always knows exactly what’s missing—and brings it);
my agent, Sheila;
my family and friends, who put up with my disappearances (love you guys!);
the readers, writers, poets, artists, teachers, dreamers and revolutionaries;
and to ‘Nate’: kids like you change the world. It’s up to you how you do that.
Thank you. You are ace.
Also by Vikki Wakefield
All I Ever Wanted
Friday Brown
Inbetween Days
Ballad for a Mad Girl
Vikki Wakefield writes realist fiction for young adults. Her work explores coming-of-age, family, class, relationships and the lives of contemporary teens. Her novels All I Ever Wanted, Friday Brown, Inbetween Days and Ballad for a Mad Girl have won and been shortlisted for numerous awards. Vikki lives in Adelaide, Australia. vikkiwakefield.com
PRAISE FOR VIKKI WAKEFIELD
BALLAD FOR A MAD GIRL
‘Everything you already love about Vikki Wakefield— plus a spine-tingling supernatural mystery. Ballad for a Mad Girl is brilliantly creepy and thrilling.’ Fiona Wood
‘There’s a dark side to being the funny one in the group. This is a piercing, creepy tale about a wild girl who could lose herself to a ghost. Vikki Wakefield’s writing never fails to give me chills.’ Emily Gale
‘A ghost thriller with a literary feel from an Australian author we love.’ Readings
‘Ballad for a Mad Girl is brilliant, edgy and unsettling. Grace is a tough and sympathetic anti-heroine. I felt her grief and, even when I cursed her curiosity, was compelled to follow her to the story’s satisfying, cinematic end.’ Simmone Howell
‘I’m obsessed with Vikki Wakefield’s words. Seriously—I’d be happy reading her grocery list.’ Danielle Binks, Alpha Reader
‘Fans of intelligent, unflinching, spine-crawling thrillers will love this book.’ Books+Publishing
‘Vikki Wakefield is one of Australia’s best YA writers. I couldn’t put down Ballad for a Mad Girl.’ Cath Crowley
FRIDAY BROWN
‘When I finish a Vikki Wakefield novel I get a tiny ache in my heart because I’m already missing her gutsy characters.’ Melina Marchetta
‘Friday Brown will haunt you long after you’ve turned the last page…It will break your heart then put the pieces
back together in a new way. I absolutely loved this book.’ Libba Bray
‘Friday Brown is every superlative you can throw at it. It’s a masterpiece…There are no words to describe this novel adequately. There is only humbled, awestruck, heartbroken silence.’ Mostly Reading YA
‘Vikki Wakefield writes the tough stuff…Her characters are so vivid and endearing, or vicious and infuriating, that she makes you feel everything down to your bones.’ Alpha Reader
‘The gripping story and rich characters took me to places where I didn’t expect to venture…I devoured each page.’
Australian Book Review
‘This is a pull-no-punches story about learning the truth and growing up, full of the preciousness of friendship and love.’
Herald Sun
‘This novel is Australian young adult fiction at its best.
Friday Brown will blow your mind.’ Viewpoint
‘A tense, multilayered tale about loyalty, memory and survival… Lyrical, suspenseful and haunting.’ Kirkus
INBETWEEN DAYS
‘An utterly gripping read with authentic, complicated and relatable characters.’ Sydney Morning Herald
‘Memorable, intriguing, perceptive and often very funny, this is an unforgettable YA novel and a most unusual love story.’ Magpies
‘Vikki Wakefield writes stories that will break your heart… A gritty, heartfelt read for teens and adult readers alike.’ Readings
‘I just adored Inbetween Days—really complex, raw, beautiful characters.’ Melissa Keil
‘Wakefield gives her fictional landscape the same haunting quality that she achieved with her novel, Friday Brown, and her writing is full of insight and feeling.’ Age
‘Wakefield has never sounded more like Harper Lee… Inbetween Days is Australian YA gothic. It’s at times bleak and tender, with touches of romance threaded with heartache…
Another “must-read” from one of Australia’s best young adult authors writing today…I adored this book.’ Alpha Reader
‘Vikki Wakefield has done it again. She’s gone and taken my breath away with another exquisite book…Without a doubt, Wakefield is one of Australia’s best writers.’
Unfinished Bookshelf
‘Vikki Wakefield…proves again that she’s the mistress of YA twisted relationships and disturbed characters, all memorable, all sketched with compassion, wit and insight, the adults as well as teens.’ Australian Book Review, Books of the Year 2015
ALL I EVER WANTED
‘I read this novel in one gulp, loving every moment of the narrator’s voice and the strangeness of her impoverished life… Though Mim makes mistakes, and plenty of them, this novel contains none. All I Ever Wanted is a brilliant coming-of-age novel. Five stars.’ Books + Publishing
‘While it’s both a thriller and a gritty romance, for me
All I Ever Wanted is first and foremost a sparkling journey into hope. I loved this book.’ Paul Griffin
‘This is one of the most memorable YA books I’ve ever read. The voice is original, the characters are real, the language is startling and beautiful. And the plot keeps you trapped till the dangerous but hopeful end.’ Cath Crowley
‘Despite the grim setting, the characters are richly and lovingly drawn with smart-mouthed, determined Mim a particular delight…Think Underbelly meets Hating Alison Ashley.’ Big Issue
‘Can someone give this girl a holiday or a medal or something?’
Girlfriend
textpublishing.com.au
textpublishing.co.uk
The Text Publishing Company
Swann House, 22 William Street, Melbourne Victoria 3000, Australia
The Text Publishing Company (UK) Ltd
130 Wood Street, London EC2V 6DL, United Kingdom
Copyright © 2019 Vikki Wakefield
The moral right of Vikki Wakefield to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
First published in 2019 by The Text Publishing Company
Book design by Imogen Stubbs
Cover photograph by MEM Studio / Stocksy
Typeset by J&M Typesetting
ISBN: 9781922268136(paperback)
ISBN: 9781925774900 (ebook)
A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia
Table of Contents
COVER PAGE
TEXT LOGO PAGE
ABOUT THE BOOK
TITLE PAGE
CONTENTS
DEDICATION
PROLOGUE
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
TEN
ELEVEN
TWELVE
THIRTEEN
FOURTEEN
FIFTEEN
SIXTEEN
SEVENTEEN
EIGHTEEN
NINETEEN
TWENTY
TWENTY-ONE
TWENTY-TWO
TWENTY-THREE
TWENTY-FOUR
TWENTY-FIVE
TWENTY-SIX
TWENTY-SEVEN
TWENTY-EIGHT
TWENTY-NINE
THIRTY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ALSO BY
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PRAISE FOR VIKKI WAKEFIELD
COPYRIGHT PAGE
NEW MARKETING PAGE