The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “Fine, bruh!” Ash cried, spinning and pushing toward the free board. “Where’re the darts? The fuck, where are the, oh—”

  Kate was laughing, her mind comfortably foggy. When was the last time she had been able to do this? When was the last time she had been able to let down her hair and be stupid? She drank, and she even drank often, but never like this, out at a bar, playing darts, with the hand of a woman she barely knew on the small of her back. She had been twenty-five when she had Max, and she wasn’t sure she had let loose like this since.

  “Heh, I found them.” Ash gave her a goofy smile and pulled the darts from the board.

  “That was hard, wasn’t it?”

  “Shut up.”

  “No, hey, it’s okay! They were all hidden!” she teased, liking the way Ash shuffled over and buried her face in Kate’s neck, her free hand hanging off her belt.

  “Shuuuut uuuup.”

  “So you gonna throw?”

  “Fine!” Ash straightened with a jerk. She posed, the dart in hand, readying to throw it.

  “Don’t mess up,” Kate said, giving her arm a little push.

  “Dude!” Ash smacked at her and then let her free hand rest on Kate’s stomach.

  “Watch it,” she teased, and she pushed again.

  “Woman, I’m gonna—”

  “Okay, okay, okay!” Kate playfully bit her lip, waiting for Ash to ready herself again. Ash teetered a little, her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth.

  Kate leaned forward and gently blew on Ash’s ear.

  “Yo!” Ash turned and Kate jumped back.

  “Just throw it!”

  “I can’t with you!”

  Kate’s hands went up, and she took a pointed step back.

  “Good. Stay there.”

  “I will.”

  “Good.”

  “Okay.”

  Ash’s hand suddenly dropped. “Let’s bet on it. If I get it first, then I get something I want.”

  “And that is?”

  “A kiss.”

  Kate hiccupped, her cheeks warming. “That’s what you want?”

  “Yup.” Ash popped the word as she nodded.

  Kate pretended to think it over. “And if I win?”

  “We’ll cross that bridge into Not-Gonna-Happen-Ville when we get there.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  It took many throws, each laughing harder and harder when their dart stuck everywhere but where they wanted it to.

  Finally Ash, not even paying attention, carelessly tossed her dart. It stuck just inside of the little red dot.

  “YES!” she cried, loud enough to make everyone near them flinch.

  “That was luck! That was total luck!”

  “Cough up, baby!”

  Kate worried her lip as Ash bounced, pulling on her arm.

  “I won! I won!”

  “Hey, walk me out and I’ll make good.”

  Ash paused in her celebration, eyebrows high. “Okay.”

  It was late when she and Ash finally walked out of the bar and toward the “L.” Ash tucked Kate into her side, cracking jokes that made her laugh the entire way.

  “Okay, this is your stop.” Ash gave her a wink.

  “Right.” She checked her phone and groaned. “It’s so late.”

  “Well you better get your butt up there then.”

  Kate just nodded, suddenly nervous, feeling the tension building between them. “Max is going to be up in a few hours.”

  “Don’t miss your train then.”

  “Right.”

  Ash smirked when a few moments of silence passed. “You waiting for me?”

  “What?”

  When Ash gave Kate’s arm a tug, making her trip into her, Kate didn’t mind. The night, for starting out so badly, had ended up a good one.

  Ash’s eyes sparkled for a moment before she leaned down and caught Kate in a kiss.

  Kate didn’t mind that either.

  Above them the train rumbled.

  “Oh my god, go! You’re going to miss it!”

  Kate yelped and turned. “I’ll talk to you later!” she cried, taking the stairs two at a time.

  “Bye, Katie!”

  By their fifth date, the month had slipped into June, and things were going smoothly. She was happy enough with work and her steady date, so Kate had almost forgotten her unfortunate situation with the woman Ash called the crocodile.

  4

  “Max, hurry! We’re going to be late!” Kate called, and then moaned a little. She had a headache. It wasn’t fair, she had forced herself to drink a bottle of water on the train ride home. She couldn’t be hungover, and yet she was; not from alcohol but from lack of sleep. She had no idea how Ash did it. She had woken with the sun as usual, two hours after going to sleep, and yet she had woken to a text from Ash thanking her for the night, apologizing again for the drama, and telling her that she would be practicing until noon if she needed her. She had been speechless.

  Max ripped from his room, excited, his little ears sticking out from under his baseball cap, his normally thin cheeks as wide and chubby as a chipmunk thanks to his grin.

  “For the music?” Max asked. He slammed into her legs, nearly knocking her over.

  “Yes!” she cried in a teasingly frantic voice. “Let’s go!”

  He giggled as she kissed him between his neck and jaw.

  Max squared his cap on his head and started to pull her toward the door. “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

  For a moment, Kate was weak from the cuteness of his little twig legs sticking out of his shorts, but he gave her arm his best tug, and with a huge yawn from Kate and a promise to herself to stop for coffee, they were off toward the “Mommy & Me” music day at WCCE. Kate was supposed to be playing, she was supposed to be there hosting, but, as it turned out, Mary had overbooked musicians, and those with kids had been released if they promised to bring their families. Kate had agreed instantly, knowing that Max loved music.

  She made yet another mental note to look into some type of piano for him. He was almost old enough to start lessons, and she knew he would love the chance to make his own music. Max had thus far shown a real interest in the brass section – trumpets, horns, trombones, and the like, and the louder the better. He was just a little too young for that right now. His tiny muscles couldn’t hold those up for longer than a minute. She had heard that Mary offered violin and piano lessons, and while she wasn’t a huge fan of that woman or her lectures, that might be a good way to start him off.

  The community center where the event was being held was large and smelled reminiscent of childhood as they stepped inside: like salty Play-Doh, sticky fingerprints, apple juice with a side of graham crackers, and construction paper. And it was loud. Children of all ages were yelling, laughing, screaming; all excited for the afternoon of noisemaking that they had been promised. Max wasn’t shy, he never had been, but he also hadn’t been overly exposed to kids his own age.

  Overwhelmed by all of the other children, Max pulled on Kate’s arm in a silent but strict demand to be picked up. “Hey, no need to be afraid, Max, right?” she whispered as he buried his face in her shoulder, hiding in her hair. “Should we find the teacher? Yeah?”

  He nodded, his hand twisting as his thumb went to his mouth.

  “Hey, kid, we’ve talked about that, right? Mr. Thumb is too big to go in your mouth anymore, right? You’re a big boy, and you don’t need it!”

  He nodded again, his lip jutting out.

  Kate moved quickly then, worried about an impending breakdown. The thumb battle had been an epic one for six months now. It was slowly getting better, and Kate was glad, ready to put that behind them.

  Stepping into the large classroom, she looked around for a sign of someone in charge, a clipboard, someone she knew – anything.

  “Ms. Flynn?” Kate turned and was shocked to see Charlie smiling at her. It was strange to see her out of her professional wear, in a casual T-shirt and jeans.

&n
bsp; “Uh, Charlie! Hi!” She didn’t know what it was about her, but unlike her scary counterpart, there was something easy about her. She kind of even… liked her. Maybe it was the fact that she, too, was wearing a pair of old, worn, and clearly loved Converse.

  “Are you here for the event?”

  “Yeah,” she said a little confused. “Are you here for it, too?”

  “Oh no!” Charlie laughed, waving her hands, “No, I don’t have kids. I’m one of the teachers.”

  “Oh!” Kate was surprised. She had assumed that Charlie worked privately for Vivian Kensington, but she must actually work for the WCCE.

  “Viv didn’t tell me you had kids, though. Who’s this?” Charlie asked, her large, toothy grin firmly in place.

  Max peeked out from under Kate’s hair, chewing on a finger nervously instead of his thumb. “Just the one. This is my son, Max.” She gave him an affectionate little bounce and gently pulled his finger out of his mouth.

  “Hi, Max! Oh my goodness, you’re so cute!” Charlie squealed as she tickled his side, making him dance.

  She felt Max smile a little on her shoulder. Max loved to be adored.

  “So,” she asked, “how did they rope you into working this?”

  With an apologetic look, Charlie brought her hands up and began moving them as she spoke. “Actually, uh, this is something we run every year. This is kind of our annual event.”

  Kate’s eyes widened at the sight of the Sign Language, and without thinking, she hissed, “Noooo! You’re kidding! Shit. No, don’t sign that.” She slapped down Charlie’s hands, making Charlie laugh. Kate took a deep breath, resigned to her dread, and turned to find herself face to face with the crocodile.

  “It’s true. We both have a strong passion for children and community outreach.” Vivian gave her a small nod. “Ms. Flynn.” She began signing quickly and silently as Charlie translated, “It’s very nice to see you.” Even Kate could see from Vivian’s stance that she was just being stiffly polite. “Have you signed in yet?”

  “Not yet.”

  Not completely unpleasantly, Ms. Kensington handed her a clipboard and turned her attention to Max, transitioning with ease to her slightly distorted voice. “And this must be Maxwell.”

  “Uh, yeaaaah.” Kate hooked her thumbs into her back pockets and tried her best not to wonder how the hell this woman knew her son’s name, his full name, and only then registered what Charlie had said about Vivian not telling her.

  Vivian beamed at him. “Hi, Max, I’m Vivian.”

  He had buried himself in Kate’s hair at the appearance of a new person, but now he peeked out, concentrated confusion on his face. “Your voice is funny.” He touched her throat lightly as if to emphasize his point.

  Kate felt her skin burn with mortification, sure that Vivian was now going to think that both she and her son were jerks.

  To Kate’s surprise, Ms. Kensington smiled warmly, staying at his eye level. “That’s because I’m deaf. Do you know what that means?”

  He shook his head, further fascinated by her voice, and struggled free of his mother. Vivian remained kneeled in front of him, not seeming to mind his rapt attention, or that he stood perhaps a little too close to her.

  “What’s death?”

  “No, little prince, deaf, not death. It means that I can’t hear.”

  “Nothing?” he gasped, his eyes wide.

  “Nope. Nothing. My ears don’t work like yours do.” She said it with a smile and a soft tug on his earlobe.

  As if just to be sure Max pulled her further down and screamed as loud as he could in her ear. The room froze in surprise – everyone except for Ms. Kensington, that is.

  “Oh my god, Max!” Kate blanched. She was screwed with this woman, that was it, there was no hope for an apology. She should just give up now and pick up the want ads on the way home. Maybe if she were lucky this tycoon of a woman would allow her a night shift at a McDonald’s on the South Side.

  Then she felt another wave of shock fill her all over again as Vivian just… laughed. She laughed.

  “Nope, nothing.”

  “Wow!” Max beamed, the same look on his face as when they had built a bottle rocket and set it off in Frick Park in Pittsburgh. “What are you doing with your hands?” He held one tightly to study it, willing it to present him with its magic.

  “It’s called Sign Language. That’s how deaf people like me speak. See?”

  Falling back into her natural silence, she signed swiftly, and Charlie supplied, “It’s nice to meet you, Max. I like your hat.”

  Max had a number of questions, including many for Charlie, before he finally fell silent. Kate watched the entire interaction slightly horrified, unsure if it would be worse to force him to stop his questioning or allow him to continue.

  Vivian smiled one last time and asked him, hands following her voice, “Have you met the other children yet?”

  He shook his head, and to Kate’s surprise, when Vivian offered her hand he took it happily.

  Vivian finally looked up at Kate, the warmth melting from her eyes at a rate that was kind of shocking. Kate grimaced, hoping that her face looked as apologetic as it could.

  “It’s all right,” Vivian spoke before Kate could, her signing reducing itself to one hand. “Children always have questions, and I don’t mind them. Thankfully most children do not have the same prejudices as their parents.”

  Kate’s mouth fell open. She couldn’t help turning to Charlie as the crocodile took her child across the room, perhaps to devour him whole.

  Charlie just laughed, tickled by her employer.

  “I didn’t mean it like that!” Kate wailed.

  Charlie shrugged. “Tell her that.”

  “Wha— damn it!”

  “Oh yes! Since Jeremiah was two.”

  The mother Kate was speaking to had gasped as though Kate had suggested that she didn’t vaccinate her son instead of asking if he was in a music program. She hated that attitude, the hint that she was doing something horrible to Max if she let him be a toddler any longer before shoving an instrument on him.

  “Since he was two? Wow,” she said, giving her neck a loud pop.

  The mother paused, about to put the kazoo Jeremiah had been using back into the box, her lips peeled back a little in distaste. “Pardon me for saying so, but you know that you shouldn’t pop your joints like that, right?”

  Kate suppressed an eye roll. “Yeah, you know, I had heard.” She gave a small shrug and pulled out her phone.

  The device was constantly vibrating with notifications from Instagram. She had never been one for social media, and this was why. It was too revealing, too time-consuming. She frowned when she saw the notification on her lock screen that Ash had tagged her in another something, probably a meme, and shoved her phone back into her pocket without looking at it.

  “Something about not being able to bend my head over my cello eventually. It’s a bad habit that I …” And then again the words withered and died on her tongue.

  She looked up to see that Vivian was already watching her, a look of open distaste on her face. It was as though the sight of Kate disgusted her, and it was starting to really bother her. She had to say something to that woman before they left today. At this point, she wasn’t dumb enough to think that any type of apology would make it better; clearly Vivian hated her. Maybe if she apologized, though, she could move on and feel less guilty.

  “I have the number of a great chiropractor. I can give it to you if you like.”

  Kate turned again, feeling the eyes still on her. “Uh, yeah, sure. Please.” She dropped Max’s drum back into the pile. “Uh, if you’ll excuse me.” She turned and started back to Max. She couldn’t tell if the eyes she was feeling were real, or if at this point her mind was playing games with her. The sensation was like nails on a chalkboard either way.

  She was going to apologize. She wanted to do it as soon as possible and just be done. If she could, she would have done it then and t
here in the middle of the event, like she should have the night of the gala, but it seemed that every time she got close to Vivian, she was magically busy with someone else.

  Max was a ball of excitement, bouncing uncontrollably as the class wound down. He, at least, had enjoyed a very good time and made a few friends.

  “Okay, guys, before you go can you do one more thing for me?” Charlie yelled, her hands waving in the air. “Did you guys know that it’s Ms. Kensington’s birthday today? Can we all sing her happy birthday?”

  Kate grinned as the fierce woman looked as though she had been slapped with a fish.

  “Charlie!” Ms. Kensington snarled, signing something that seemed a little less than friendly.

  “All right. Ready?” Charlie cried. There was a gleam in her eye that made Kate realize that while she would have been terrified, Charlie wasn’t scared of Vivian in the slightest.

  The whole room sang off-key for a woman who couldn’t hear them anyway, and then they were dismissed.

  Across the room her eye was drawn, once again, to Vivian. She was standing in conversation with one of the other mothers, and without giving herself permission to do it, Kate paused to study her.

  Part of her intimidation, Kate decided, was how pretty she was. Yes, the annoyingly tailored slacks, tight yet perfectly professional black sweater, and all-too-tall heels gave her a too-put-together air that pretty much told anyone who was too messy that they needed to stay ten feet away at all times.

  Really, it was her appearance. Her cheekbones, her eyes, her hair that naturally curled up at the ends; all of that was what made underlings like Kate keep their distance. She was sure physical beauty was a stupid reason to be intimidated by someone, and yet she found that she was.

  As if she knew that Kate was thinking about her, Vivian’s eyes flashed from the mother and directly to Kate, flicking to her once and then twice before all but rolling as they moved away. Kate groaned internally. It wasn’t exactly an encouraging reaction, but this was the best time.

  “Max, sit right here for a minute, okay? Stay here, I mean it.” She eyed Max, knowing he could be a loose cannon when he wanted to be. “What are you doing?”