The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  She gasped, her course changing midair like an Olympic swimmer, and she dived instead for the tank top at the foot of the bed. She hopped up, jumping from one sleep-numb leg to the other as she pulled it on over her bra. She didn’t bother to take the time to find pants, instead she ran for the vanity, tripped and slammed across the top of it, sprawling out in front of the mirror. Grimacing, she made an attempt to smooth her unruly morning hair and wipe away the sleep from her eyes.

  There was only one person she had ever heard Max say that to, but why would she come to her apartment?

  “Max!” she groaned, as she tripped over a few of his toys and clattered painfully into the doorframe. “What have I told you about answering the door? You march your little butt over here, young ma—”

  “Flynn!”

  Kate’s feet stopped, her still sleepy brain taking an extra second to process a different scene than the one she had been expecting. Ash grinned and held out a white and green coffee cup. “Hey, mama! Look at you all sleep-ruffled and sexy. I’m diggin’ the way morning looks on you.”

  Kate’s mouth opened and closed, and she felt herself flush. Well, she thought, Ash did “talk funny,” in a hippie meets pop culture sort of way.

  She liked Ash, she really did, but in this moment, she felt her stomach rumble, anger breeding and multiplying. “Ash, what are you doing here?”

  She shrugged her shoulders, her crooked grin only growing. “Here.” She stepped past Max as though he was a lawn ornament and handed her the cup. Kate could smell the aroma of vanilla and coffee, mixing into the scent of her favorite order.

  She ran her hand through her hair again as she tried to gather her thoughts. She had not agreed to this.

  “That’s your order, right?”

  “Um. Yeah. Thanks for the coffee, but—” She glanced at Max, who was still staring up at Ash in baffled fascination.

  “Your hair looks like snakes.”

  Ash let out a loud snort. “That’s right, little man! You wanna touch them?”

  Max backed away fast, his eyes going wide.

  “Whoa! Stranger danger!” Kate said more to Ash than to Max. She put a hand on her son’s chest as he buried himself in her legs, his thumb going to his mouth. Damn it, she had told Ash that when she felt Max was ready to meet her she would invite her over, and yet here she was, either pushing or ignoring the issue after only a few dates. Again, she asked, “Ash, what are you doing here?”

  “I thought you could use a pick-me-up after your date with the crocodile.”

  “You went on a date with a crocodile?” Max asked and then squealed into a giggle. “That’s silly, Mommy.”

  Kate went to answer but stopped, noticing a smell. Her hallways often smelled like marijuana, that wasn’t new, but it usually smelled like it had been smoked. What she was smelling now was fresher than that. “Is that smell you?”

  “What?”

  Kate glanced at Max. All she needed was for him to pick up this question and say it somewhere public. “Do you have w-e-e-d on you right now?”

  Ash’s confusion melted and she grinned. “Ooooh, yeah, totes mcgoats! I just met your neighbor and scored a little bit of green off of him. Good shit, too.”

  Kate’s hands clamped over Max’s ears, making him crane around and look at her in confusion.

  Ash didn’t seem to notice Kate’s displeasure. “Why? Do you want to partake?”

  Kate’s jaw was hanging open, not sure where to start with everything Ash had just said. She had bought from her neighbor? Was she serious? Her lips pursed into a thin line. “Can you, um, maybe give me a minute?” she mumbled, pushing Ash until she was back in the hallway. “I’ll be right back.” She closed the door with a small click instead of with the slam she felt trying to work free from inside of her.

  It was insane and rude that Ash just showed up expressly against her wishes. It should have been her choice for Max and Ash to meet, and she should obviously have a choice as to whether Ash brought weed into her apartment.

  “Did it bite you?” Max asked, studying his mother as if looking for a wound.

  “Max.” She dropped down to his level. “What have I said about answering the door?”

  His small face twisted into a frowning pout. “Not to.”

  “Right. Next time, you will be in the time-out chair. Answering the door without Mommy is dangerous. Remember what I told you about Stranger Danger?”

  “But I don’t want the time-out chair!” His little body flopped across hers.

  “Then don’t answer the door again, okay?”

  “Kay,” Max said, his bottom lip sticking out as far as it would go.

  “Okay. Come on.” She poured him a bowl of cereal and set him at the table, putting on his CD of Peter and the Wolf before slipping into the hallway, hands planted firmly on her hips.

  “So that’s Max,” Ash smiled. Kate felt a shiver of irritation. The younger woman seemed to have no idea that what she had done wasn’t cool. She was leaning against the wall, her arms crossed and grinning like she hadn’t seen her in a month. “He’s cute. He looks like you.”

  “I know how cute he is. Ash, what the hell? Look, I don’t care what you do in your personal time, all right? Whatever floats your boat or whatever, but you brought weed around my three-year-old? Are you serious? Did you really think that would be okay? He’s three!”

  Ash’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Whoa, Katie, slow down. It’s not a big deal.”

  “No, it is a big deal, Ash! All of this is a big deal! I told you that when I thought it was the right time – when things were right – I would invite you over. Why are you here? Why did you think it was okay to just ignore my request? Max is little. He doesn’t understand dating.”

  “Uh.” Ash straightened and took a nervous step back. “Right, look, it’s my bad, babes, I didn’t think he would be here.”

  “Wha— are you – wha—” Kate spluttered out. “Where else would he be? Did you think he would have his own apartment that he stays at over the weekend?”

  “I dunno,” Ash groaned. “You went out last night. I thought he would be with his other mom or whatever.”

  Kate just stared in disbelief.

  “I didn’t think about it, okay? I’m sorry!” Ash snapped.

  She could tell Ash was telling the truth. She had totally and completely forgotten about Max. Kate crossed her arms, trying to decide if that was a very good sign or a very bad one.

  “I, uh, I’m sorry.” This time when Ash spoke it was clear that she meant it. She took another step away, shoving her hands awkwardly into her pockets as she slowly retreated. “This is new to me or whatever. Gimme a do-over or some shit, I dunno. It was my bad!”

  Kate’s anger was fading as she saw Ash scowl, looking honestly nervous. “Look,” she started, “dating me isn’t the same as dating some other woman. I have a son, and that’s important.”

  “So does that mean you forgive me?” Ash gave her a half smirk. “Huh? Come on, I’m too cute to stay mad at. Come on. Look at how cute I am. And I smell so pretty. You know you don’t wanna stay mad at me. Huh, Katie? What d’ya say?”

  Kate rolled her eyes, but she did laugh a little. “Just listen to me next time.”

  Ash’s smile turned into a full grin. “Roger Wilco.” She gave a small salute. “Can I have a hug?”

  Kate let her long arms wrap around her tightly, a small squeal popping free when Ash growled and buried her face in her neck. “Hey!” She pushed back a bit, her face as stern as she could make it. “And don’t bring weed over here again. I don’t care if you smoke it, but just”– she shook her head, her eyes rolling over the fact that this even needed to be said – “don’t.”

  “Got it,” Ash promised, giving the three-fingered Girl Scout salute.

  “Really, Ash?” Kate rolled her eyes again.

  “Hey, mama, this could mean a lot of things.” She waggled her eyebrows, pulling Kate in tighter. “So.” Her grin was growing smug now that
she could see Kate had forgiven her. “How did it go? I see that she didn’t take an arm off.”

  Kate rolled her eyes, clicking open the door to check on Max before closing it again. “You’ve got to stop calling her a crocodile. It’s mean and not at all accurate.”

  She was still surprised by how the night had gone, by how Vivian had behaved. She didn’t really understand it. She had no idea what had brought on the change, but frankly, she had been too distracted to even think to ask, not past those first few minutes. That fact irritated her to no end now.

  Ash just grinned. “Tell you what. I’ll stop calling her the crocodile when she stops behaving like one. How’s that?”

  “How does that even make sense? What, are you two actual children?”

  Ash smirked. “Maybe.”

  “She has a nickname for you, too, you know.”

  At this Ash’s face grew angry. “Yeah, I’ve heard. It’s such ageist bullshit! Like I can’t be a legit person because I was born in the nineties. It’s total propaganda crap, like judging an entire generation is fuckin’ fair. Ugh, whatever. Talk about not treating people equally. I don’t judge her for not being able to hear and yet she can totally judge me for my age? Whatever.”

  Kate frowned, not sure how to respond to that.

  Ash took a deep breath and let out a long, low meditative chant before she shook her limbs out and muttered something that sounded a lot like “bitch.” “So. How was it?”

  “It was …” She stood for a second or two, trying to find the proper word. “Fine.”

  “Uh-huh.” Ash nodded doubtfully.

  “Yeah. She was actually very, um, nice.” In her mind, she could feel Vivian sitting on the bench beside her, shoulder to shoulder, as she tried to mold her hand into a working shape. She let out a laugh and had to work a little harder to get a deep breath under Ash’s scrutiny.

  “So, what, you had fun?”

  The sharpness in Ash’s tone made her look up again. “Whoa there. What just happened?”

  “Nothing. I’m glad to hear that you didn’t hate it. What did you two do?”

  She shrugged, wary. “Dinner.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “What else did you do?”

  She scoffed. “Well, we did spend a little time coming up with a solution for world hunger, but who doesn’t do that when they go out with their boss?”

  “Go out?”

  “Okay, what’s wrong with you right now? You want to tell me what the deal is?” The more that they spoke of this, the more that Ash looked like she wanted to hit something. “What else would we have done, exactly?”

  Ash’s eyebrows creased, and she folded her arms across her chest. “You know that she’s gay, don’t you?”

  “Uh, yeah, I know that she’s gay.”

  Her eyebrow rose. “Do you now?”

  “Oh god, Ash. Dinner. We had dinner. Wait.” She let out a quick laugh. “Oh my god, are you jealous?”

  “Jealous? Jealous of what?” She was trying to brush her off, but a touch of pink had started in her cheeks.

  “Aw! Ash!” She pushed her again and kissed her cheek.

  “Yeah, no.” Ash shook her head, scoffing a little as she tweaked her nose with her thumb. “Trust. I have no reason to be jealous.” Ash’s eyes caught hers, willfully holding her look as she drowned Kate in cocky confidence. “Like, that’s not even a problem for me.”

  Kate watched her attitude change, unsure if she liked it or not. “It’s kind of cute that you’re worried.” She had said it to test how it would feel and was pleased when it felt fun and flirty, less uncomfortable than she’d thought it might.

  “Worried? I am not worried, Flynn. I can keep my woman.”

  “Your woman?” she cried. “Your woman? Really? How much did I cost? A fatted calf and a goat?” She rolled her eyes again and gave her a small, polite kiss.

  Ash was clearly satisfied with the flirtation and decided to move on. “So, I was thinking,” she grinned, pouring all of her charm into her words, “well, I’m here. Let’s go get breakfast.”

  “Oh, I don’t know if I can,” Kate said, checking on Max again. “He only just woke up.”

  “Aw, he’ll be fine.” Ash brushed off Kate’s concern. “There’s this great brunch spot a few ‘L’ stops away with two-for-one Bloody Marys—”

  “Ash!” Kate cried. “Did you hear anything I said a minute ago? I can’t just rush off whenever you decide to stop by. I have a son.”

  For a moment Ash seemed honestly baffled. “You can’t leave him with the neighbor for a quick minute?”

  “You mean the neighbor you just bought weed from?”

  “Noooo, I didn’t mean that. I mean, ugh, I didn’t mean it like that!” Ash groaned, catching Kate by the hips as she retreated.

  A hiccup popped from Kate’s lips. She had forgotten that she wasn’t wearing pants. She wished she had thought to put on some jeans when she was inside.

  Ash seemed to realize this at the same moment, her hands splaying wide, touching the skin of her upper thigh. She smiled at her, something very different in her eye now. “You should totally bring him. We should totally bring him.”

  “Ash,” she started, exasperated, but before she could finish, Ash dejectedly stepped away, nodding in understanding.

  “Right. You’ll let me know.”

  “Ash!”

  “You know, if you don’t want to be a thing with me then you can just say so. You don’t need to be all ‘Ooh, my son!’” Ash cried in a mocking falsetto.

  “Are you fucking serious right now?”

  “Yeah, bruh, not my thing if you don’t wanna.” She turned, about to start down the stairs, leaving Kate behind.

  Kate had always considered herself to be a strong person; she’d had to be in her life, and she was proud of that, but in that moment, as she watched Ash storm away, she felt something else. Her stomach turned to stone as she thought of her phone going silent again, of not having anyone she could text if she really wanted some company. She hadn’t realized how much that meant to her, how much simply knowing there was someone she knew in the city had helped to soothe the ever-present ache in her chest. Now, watching Ash moving down the stairs and away from her filled her with panic. She had just a moment to feel pathetic before she called out to her, demanding that Ash stop.

  “Can you just …” She sighed, popping her neck and ripping her hands through her hair. “Come here.”

  Ash’s brow furrowed tighter, but she came back, scowling.

  She wasn’t sure what to say so she gave her a half-smile.

  It worked like a charm. Ash smirked, easily won over. “I like this outfit on you.” Her finger ran across her hip again.

  “Yeah, yeah, you just keep your hands to yourself there, lady.” This was the most intimate contact they had had thus far, and she couldn’t help but think it was a little early for it; both in their relationship and the day.

  “You’ve got killer gams, Flynn. You have to cut me some slack.”

  She scoffed, taking her small kiss. Kate could tell she was going to deepen the next one and prepared. They hadn’t done this yet.

  Ash let out a gruff grunt when her tongue touched Kate’s, and with a slam, Kate was pressed into the door behind them.

  “Jesus Christ!” she cried, taken off guard by Ash’s strength as she pinned her against her own front door, not quite off the ground but close.

  Ash was a pretty good kisser, Kate thought through a swimming and slightly foggy brain. She got a solid A in that field. Her mind was drifting from her body, untethering itself and giving into the numbing pleasure of sex and sensuality as Ash sucked on her bottom lip, her thigh pushing between her legs. It was better than any drug she had ever found, any drink, any other thrill. Still, when Ash’s hand greedily squeezed her breast through her tank top, she shrank away. She felt watched, exposed, as though she could somehow sense her neighbor pressed to his door, his eye at the peephole.<
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  Ash was clearly unhappy to end the make out session so quickly. She lingered so that Kate had to push her a little before she moved to a respectful distance with a mix of a whine and a happy hum. “Dayum, chica. You go ahead and you do that anytime. You aren’t gonna get any complaints from me,” Ash babbled, making Kate smile. She really was sweet. “That was nice.”

  “Yeah,” she said slowly, running her hand through her hair yet again and noticing that she was making it frizzy. “I, uh, I better get going, though.”

  “If you must,” Ash mumbled, distracted by the hem of her tank top, lifting it just a bit so her thumbnail could scratch her stomach.

  A chime sounded. Ash grabbed her phone so fast it looked like it had burned her. Kate watched her face grow smug as she read the text that she had gotten.

  “Must be good news.”

  Ash jumped, her hand snaking around Kate to pull her in tighter by the behind.

  “Um,” Kate started, but gave up. It was clear that Ash was barely aware that Kate was there at the moment, let alone that she had a hand firmly on her butt.

  It took another moment for Ash to snicker, licking her lips and looking very satisfied as she put her phone away. “Sorry about that.”

  “Good news?” Kate tried again.

  Ash shrugged, her look suddenly evasive as she turned slightly, her hand coming back to her hip. “Aaaaaanyway,” she sighed, rolling her eyes, “I’d better go.”

  “You okay? You got all weird.”

  “I’m not all weird!” Ash said a bit too sharply.

  “Whoa, okay!” She gave in. “My mistake!”

  “Right. Okay. Catch ya later, Flynn.”

  Kate just nodded, watching her warily.

  Ash turned, her phone in hand, and started down the stairs, giving her one more pleased glance before disappearing.

  Kate stood there a second longer, frowning. As she re-entered her apartment, she couldn’t quite put her finger on how she was feeling. She had gone through angry, confused, pleased, and then mildly suspicious all at once.

  “Who was that, Momma?”

  “Oh, no one, Max.” She pulled her fluffy hair into a ponytail as she kissed his head.