The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  There was silence and then, “Are you all right? I can still come over.”

  A soft knock sounded at the door behind her.

  “What? Of course I’m okay. Don’t come, it’s late.” Loaded tension slithered through her stomach as the silence stretched. “Vivian?”

  “Okay,” Molly said, on Vivian’s behalf. “I just wanted to be sure you were unharmed. The thought of you walking through your neighborhood at night often has me worried.”

  Kate’s teeth snared her lip. “You worry about me a lot, don’t you? Really?”

  There was a long silence, the longest yet, before Molly said, “Of course I do, Kate.”

  “Oh.” Her head fell back against the couch as she stared up at the ceiling, trying to calm the sudden light and warm breeze in her stomach. Vivian worried about her. Vivian thought about her when they were not together. Then she had to groan, wondering when she had turned into a teenage girl. “I am… I’m good. I’m okay.”

  Another silenced loomed between them.

  “Okay. I’ll let you go, Kate.”

  They ended the call with Kate feeling more perplexed and stressed than before. Her head hurt, her eyes burned; was it too late for another drink?

  The knock sounded again, and tensely Kate got up to look through her peephole.

  “I know, mama, I know.” Ash held her hands up in defeat when she opened the door. “I’m sorry, it’s late, and you probably want me to G-T-F-O.”

  “What?”

  “Get the fuck out?” Ash said.

  Kate opened her mouth, but then just shook her head. “What, Ash?” She leaned heavily on the door, feeling all at once exhausted.

  “I just wanted to apologize, okay? I’ve been all kindsa rude tonight, and I’m sorry. Will you let me take you out to apologize?”

  “Look, Ash. I have a son. I have… other things. I don’t know, but we’re not working.”

  “We can be better. You’ll see.”

  “No, Ash, I don’t want to see, okay?”

  “I know, I know, I know.” She gave a dismissive wave. “Please. Just come out with me one more time.”

  “Ash, I just broke up with you.”

  “Uh-huh. But really, though. You should come out with me.” She flashed her a warm and charming smile. “Let me apologize. Seriously. Come on. Seriously.”

  Kate groaned.

  Kate pressed the button for water on the soda machine for a second time and waited anxiously. Her head throbbed, beating slowly in time with her pulse, which seemed to be far too sluggish. She had finally given in after that stupid night at the bar two weeks before, and she had let Ash take her out again, not as a date but as “an apology”, as Ash had said it.

  Now she regretted it.

  The machine gargled and clanked as though it wasn’t sure how to grab a water instead of a soda. It gave a small rumble, and then Kate could hear its low hum as it processed her choice. There was a louder rumble and then a few thumps until the bottle fell into the basket at the bottom. Kate winced, her hangover making her stomach roil.

  The party Ash had taken her to had been a fun one, much to Kate’s surprise, or at least it had been fun at first. It had also been unlike any party she had been to in years. She still wasn’t entirely sure how it was supposed to work as an apology, but it was over now. It didn’t matter.

  It had been in someone’s basement, people smoking weed and playing Drink While You Think and Quarters. It had been like college all over again. Only in college her rebound skills had been better. A few hours of sleep, a cup of coffee, a greasy breakfast, and Kate had been able to carry on like normal. Now, despite the water she’d had before bed and the food she had barely been able to keep down, she felt terrible.

  “Finally,” she muttered and cracked the bottle open. The seal sounded like fingers being popped as she twisted, turning to head back. The sound made her stomach sick all over again.

  She took a drink and spun the cap back on, listening to the whir.

  Sound had become something new for her, a conscious thing. It wasn’t that she was always unable to ignore it, it was only when Vivian was on her mind. She would think of her friend, or of that night after the bar two weeks ago, think of this foreign world that she lived in, and she would plug her ears, trying to imagine what it was like to live in silence.

  The night before, she had been making tea in hopes of a hangover cure when she had been struck by how shrill the whistle was as it boiled. Intrigued and a little amused, she had plugged her ears yet again, but that hadn’t been able to drown out the noise. She had grabbed the earplugs that lived in her cello case and stuffed them in, but that hadn’t worked either.

  Her practicing had taken on a whole new feeling, the sound of the cello richer, stirring emotions deep within her.

  There was a whole world out there, a whole world of sound that Vivian was missing out on; and more importantly, there was a world of silence that, try as she might, Kate could not be a part of.

  “I found a bottle of aspirin,” Vivian said as Kate closed the office door behind her.

  “Awesome.” She took two.

  “Are you sure you are all right? You don’t look well.”

  Kate gave her a grimace, trying to remember if she had won or lost that last game of Quarters. “Yeah. Totally. It’s just a headache.”

  Vivian eyed her carefully. “Okay.”

  A little guilty, Kate shoved her hands into her pockets. She wasn’t going to share that she was hungover. The night had been embarrassing enough.

  At first the partiers had welcomed Kate, not seeming to think her presence was strange at all. She had played games with gusto, finding that Quarters was a skill that did not fade with time. As the night went on, though, Ash had become distant, rude, and distracted. Kate would have put money on the idea that a girl Ash was involved with was there.

  Parties, Kate knew, were like fresh flowers, bright and fun, but over time, they began to wilt, growing foul and eventually rancid. The later the hour grew, the more rancid the party became for Kate. People began to tip the scale from enjoyably drunk to messy, tripping over nothing, hurting themselves, vomiting and crying. The music had grown too loud – aggravating, even. She had noticed how dirty the basement was, and after that, she had wanted a shower. The cigarette smoke gave her a headache, clogged her pores and made her cough.

  Kate ended up spending an hour with a girl who had had too much to drink, feeding her bread and water pilfered from the pantry and holding her hair as she threw up. That had delighted Ana to no end, and after that everyone who needed care had been passed off to the only person who seemed capable of helping.

  She had been exhausted before she even left and wondering why the hell she had agreed to go out with Ash one more time at all. They were so done.

  “So, as I was saying …”

  “Yeah,” said Kate. “Yeah, right. I don’t know, Vivian. I mean, who gives up their place for a kid’s birthday party?”

  Before Vivian could answer, the door behind them flew open with a smack, making Kate jump and swear.

  A tall redhead strolled in, her beautiful face pinched and angry, her hands flying.

  Vivian let out a gasp and jabbed something right back.

  Kate hadn’t understood before that Vivian and Charlie had been taking it easy on her, signing slowly and precisely, as if talking to a child. They had been speaking their words as they signed them, probably in the hopes of the language seeming less foreign to Kate, and though she didn’t understand them, she hadn’t known it was a kindness that they were doing.

  However, now that she was seeing the “real deal,” she was very thankful they had been. Vivian’s hands flew, and loud slapping noises jarred between them, making Kate flinch as she watched the fight with defiant fascination and a bit of terror.

  It took Kate a long while of watching before she realized that she was eavesdropping. She couldn’t understand a word of it, not one, but they were still speaking and she was star
ing. “I’ll just …” She started to move toward the door.

  “Kate, wait,” Vivian said, her voice abnormally deep in her agitation. “Please stay. This situation should only take me a minute.”

  “Err …”

  The redhead turned and saw Kate for the first time. Kate had just a moment to gulp, feeling like she was faced with an angry lion, before the woman was tearing over to her. “Whoa, lady!” she cried, trying to pull away as she was grabbed and thrust forward like Exhibit A.

  Vivian’s pace picked up tenfold, fury etched on her face, the vein in her forehead throbbing angrily. She pulled Kate free, making her yelp.

  She had no idea what was happening and so she shrank back, trying to remain polite as her headache screamed.

  She stood with her hands in her pockets, trying her best to look anywhere but the fight. She wasn’t sure if it was ruder to stay or to leave. She took a step toward the door, trying to be stealthy, but from behind her, Vivian cleared her throat again. “Kate. Our business is not yet concluded. Rachel is leaving.”

  It was the most intimidating fight she had ever witnessed. The women’s hands were racing at impossible speeds. Try as she might, Kate couldn’t pick out one word, not one. Other than the occasional grunts of frustration from Rachel, the two were completely silent, and yet it was the loudest fight she had ever witnessed.

  The door opened, and Charlie came in, her mouth pulling down into a frown when she saw the fighting women and all the more when she saw Kate against the wall, wide-eyed and wordlessly begging for help.

  “Oh my god!” Charlie muttered and, biting back a laugh, waved her over. Vivian stomped twice, signing something at Charlie now, but Kate took her opportunity and dodged from the room.

  “Oh my god, thank you. Vivian told me not to leave, but I really did not want to be there. Who the hell is that?”

  Charlie shrugged, sitting at her desk in the front room. “Vivian’s ex.”

  That stopped Kate in her tracks. The thought that the redhead in there was Vivian’s ex chilled her to the bone. She had been beautiful. Suddenly Kate wanted to go back in and get another look. “Oh, um, do you know what’s she doing here?”

  Charlie picked at her nail polish. “They just broke up. Well, right after that concert when we all went out, what, two weeks ago?”

  Kate looked away. Charlie was talking about the night that Vivian’s hand had found her thigh under the table.

  “I thought it was over, but I guess not.”

  “Over?” Kate felt something blossom in her core, like Morning Glories at dawn, slow but deliberately bright. “You mean they’re still dating?” She hadn’t known that Vivian had been seeing someone.

  “No way. Once Vivian is done with you, then she is pretty much done with you. Vivian isn’t one for second chances. I meant I thought the drama was done. Rachel was kind of …” Charlie fidgeted in her seat, pushing her raven hair behind her ear. “Upset.”

  “How long were they dating?”

  “Only a few months. It was nothing serious.”

  Kate nodded.

  “Really,” Charlie promised behind a wide smirk, “it was nothing serious.”

  Kate gave a weak and guilty laugh. “Yeah, okay.” Her thumbs hooked her back pockets, and she glanced over at Max, who was sitting in the lobby, looking at a Highlights magazine. “But actually I was thinking about something else.” Her eyes rolled when Charlie just raised an eyebrow at her. “I was! I promise!”

  “What’s wrong then?”

  Kate studied Charlie for a minute, debating. She had been thinking about this nonstop for the past two weeks, and this, god, seeing Vivian signing like that, it only made it worse. The thought had been ripping a hole in her stomach, giving her heartburn, night sweats, and a constant low-grade fever because she… she just should have gotten here sooner.

  “What’s up, Kate?”

  She sighed, running her fingers through her hair before shoving her hands roughly into her pockets. “You know, it’s been a while since I met you guys.”

  “What?”

  She twitched, her hands coming out of her pockets to cross over her chest, only to fall again. “Do you know what happened with Vivian and Ash?”

  Charlie stared at her for a moment, her deep eyes narrowed.

  Kate tried to look innocent. She hadn’t meant to ask that, though it had indeed been on her mind. She just… she wasn’t sure she was ready to say the real issue out loud. Once she did then she would have to admit that she was the dick who didn’t think of it sooner.

  Finally Charlie sat back. “Sure I do. I know everything about Viv.” She gave her a grin, the tip of her tongue stuck between her teeth.

  Kate just waited.

  “Well, I dunno, Kate,” Charlie said. “You’re dating that little shit, right? You sure you really want to hear this?”

  “Little shit?” Kate scoffed.

  “Facts are facts, babe.”

  “Okay then. Tell me.”

  Charlie shrugged. “Not a lot to tell really. They both were at a bar one night, and Ash got Viv a little drunk. It’s easy to do.” Charlie rolled her eyes fondly. “They slept together and then a few more times after that. Ash was super into sleeping with the boss, you know? She came after Viv pretty hard and Viv was amenable.”

  Kate cringed, slowly pacing the room. She wasn’t sure this was a safer or more comfortable topic than the one that was really irking her. “Okay. Then what?”

  “Ash got crazy,” Charlie said in a matter-of-fact voice.

  “As in?”

  “She was sure that Viv and I were sleeping together. Which, let me just say again for the record, we weren’t.”

  “Okay.”

  “She kept acting like Viv was her property or something. When Viv finally told her that it needed to stop, which, by the way, was only after, like, three times, she wouldn’t leave Vivian alone. She started badmouthing Viv everywhere. She told everyone that Viv had cheated on her with me even though she and Viv were never in a relationship. It was humiliating for Viv because she told everyone at the WCCE. Viv’s mother, who, by the way, is the real ice queen, found out, and made Viv’s life hell. Ash acted like a teenager. Viv almost had to fire her.”

  Kate nodded, forcing herself to stop pacing. She wasn’t overly surprised to hear that.

  Charlie was scrutinizing her again, reading her in a way that she had only seen Vivian do. She tried to make normal eye contact but instead looked back toward Max, rubbing her aching temples.

  “So now that we’re done with that, what’s really on your mind?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You know you’re a horrible liar, Kate?”

  Despite her upset, Kate smiled. She sent Vivian’s office door a wary glance, worried it would open again. “Say something. In Sign.”

  Charlie signed one of the few words that Kate knew.

  Kate shook her head. “No, I mean, sign as if you were signing to Vivian. Don’t sign to try to help me understand you. Show me what a normal conversation would look like.” Charlie let her hands move, signing god knew what, and Kate’s heart fell. “Yeah, you guys sign really slowly when you’re around Max and me, don’t you?”

  Charlie frowned. “We want you to pick up as much as you can.”

  Kate wanted to kick something – hard.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She pulled out the chair across from Charlie, spluttering as she tried to find the right way to say it. “I – it’s just so many things – I didn’t even notice – I – ugh!” she cried, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. “I don’t speak her language, Charlie!” Then she was back up, too anxious to sit.

  Kate knew that years of interpreting every one of Vivian’s thoughts, both private and public, had taught Charlie how to school her face. That professional blankness was there as she said, “Tell me what you mean. I thought that you two had found a great way of communicating.”

  Kate shook her head. “No. I literally don’t
speak her language. She does her best to bridge the gap between us, and she does it well, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t speak her fucking language. She shouldn’t have to bridge the gap!”

  “She has to with everyone, Kate. She’s deaf.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better? She doesn’t with you!”

  Charlie sat back in her chair, her face thoughtful. Kate couldn’t stand it. She began to move again, pacing back and forth through the small space. When that wasn’t enough to compete with Charlie’s silence, she went to the windows and looked down on the street. She tried to get rid of the tension in her chest, watching the tiny cars and people on the street below, but she could feel Charlie’s eyes on her, itching at the back of her neck. She turned and gave her a grimacing smile. She didn’t know what to do with herself, and she wished Charlie would stop looking at her like that, like she was trying to solve the math problem that was Kate. She was about to throw something at her, anything to get her to stop staring, when Charlie spoke again.

  “This has been bothering you for a while, hasn’t it?”

  “No!” Kate shouted, and then immediately dropped her voice, self-conscious despite the fact that the office was empty other than the five of them. “That’s why I’m so pissed. It only occurred to me after that concert! Ash was being rude and purposely talking into my hair so Vivian wouldn’t see. She was purposely talking shit right in front of her!”

  “Oh yeah,” Charlie snickered. “I heard about that.”

  “Did she, um, did she do a lot of stuff like that when they were doing their thing? Or,” she stumbled, trying to get her lips to work properly, “after, I guess.”

  Charlie chewed the end of a pen. “Yup.”

  That didn’t help Kate’s mood.

  “So Ash’s a dick. That’s what dicks do.” Charlie shrugged. “They act like dicks. Why are you upset by that? Pretty sure Vivian has no expectation for Ash to be anything else.”

  “I couldn’t apologize. Apparently, she knew exactly what Ash was doing, and I couldn’t apologize. I mean, I know the sign for ‘sorry,’ but that’s not an apology! God, what kind of freaking friend am I?” She studied the wall, unable to block out the sound of Charlie’s finger lightly tapping the desk. “How can I not speak her language? Max can almost have full conversations with her already, and yeah, they’re kind of basic, but it’s still way better than anything I can do! Why haven’t I learned yet? What’s wrong with me?”