The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  Ash turned, leaning against the wall, her head ducking for a second as she tweaked her nose.

  “What?”

  Ash didn’t say anything. Instead she stared back, her face thoughtful as though debating telling a secret, as though the secret was something that Kate should already know and Kate was being stupid for not knowing.

  “What?”

  Still Ash said nothing, and in the silence the tension grew thick and heavy between them. Kate shifted, feeling the weight that Ash was silently pressing into her. “What? What does that look mean?” Another few moments of noxiously purposeful silence from Ash, and she was feeling a lot like she had just tripped into that dream where you accidentally go to school naked. The look was leveling, but she refused to allow herself to feel small. What was it that Ash was trying to force her to say? “What?” she finally asked, her teasing tone covering her discomfort. “An hour with a sick kid and suddenly you don’t want them anymore?”

  Ash rolled her eyes, running her hand over her tattoos, tracing the bite mark so she didn’t have to look at Kate. “Not everyone wants kids, Kate.”

  “She speaks,” Kate mumbled, shifting Max onto her other shoulder. “Weren’t you the one to tell me that you want kids?” She thought back to the night that Ash had asked her out, as well as the day they had gone on a picnic. She hadn’t just made that up, had she?

  “Don’t vagina shame me, Kate.”

  “Um. What the hell is that?”

  “You can’t shame me for not wanting kids, Kate!” Ash suddenly burst out, making Max flinch in her arms. “Just because I have a vagina does not mean I have to have kids.”

  “Uh.” Kate realized that her mouth was agape and snapped it shut. “Uh, no, I’m not… I’m not shaming you for not wanting kids… as much as I’m confused.”

  Ash scoffed, pushing off of the wall and glaring as she reached for her phone. “Do you even realize how much you’re pushing the women’s rights movement back right now?”

  “By being confused that you said one thing and now you’re saying something else? Look, I don’t care if you want kids or not, okay?” It infuriated her that they were even having this conversation.

  Ash studied her for a moment before her shoulders slumped. “You’re right. I’m being douchey. Puke is gross. Look, I have an idea.”

  “Okay,” Kate said warily.

  “Max is obviously sick.”

  “Nothing gets by you, huh?”

  “Very funny. Why don’t you just drop him off at his other mom’s place? Hmm? She can take care of him, and we can run through rehearsal, maybe get a drink or two after.”

  She opened her mouth – closed it – opened it – closed it. Finally she let out a sharp breath and turned, running her hand through her hair and trying not to react.

  “What?” Ash asked.

  “Why,” Kate finally hissed, “do you keep assuming he has another mom?” She kept her voice low, something she thought was commendable given the fact that she wanted to both yell and laugh at the same time.

  “Doesn’t he?”

  “Oh my god! Ash!” Maybe it was her fault for never telling Ash about how Max was brought into this world, but they hadn’t exactly had that type of relationship, had they? This was why she broke up with her, and in that moment she was sure it had been the right thing to do.

  Behind her Ash gave an overdramatic gasp. “Oh my god!” she cried, loudly enough that Max sat up on her shoulder, alarmed. “Did you fuck a dude?”

  Kate was already shaking her head, at her limit. “You know what? I can’t even – I have to get back up on stage. I get it. Okay? You’ve made yourself clear. You don’t want to help. But you have to. So here.”

  To her surprise, Ash didn’t protest, the look on Kate’s face stopping her before she could.

  Max’s screaming seemed twice as loud as Kate handed him back to Ash. It was a small form of torture, turning away from her wailing baby boy, his arms outstretched toward her. It was made worse by the fact that she was forced to give him to someone who clearly didn’t care about him, didn’t want him, just wanted him out of the way, but she didn’t have a choice. She forced herself to go back inside of the hall regardless, the tension in her shoulders turning her muscles into steel rods. Was Ash even trying to soothe him? Why had she been dating a woman who couldn’t or wouldn’t comfort her son? How did that make any sense? Her jaw flexed as she ground her teeth.

  Kate’s stress was paramount by the second hour of rehearsal, her jittering fingers fussing notes left and right. She no longer cared about her embarrassment; she just wanted to comfort her sick son, she just wanted to yell at Ash, and she just wanted to go home. There was a constant stream of swearing in her head.

  She was just beginning to hope that Mary caught whatever Max had when suddenly the screaming from the hall stopped. It wasn’t comforting. As a matter of fact, the moment the tears stopped it felt that Kate’s heart did the same, immediate worst-case scenarios washing over her. Every head turned toward the door, their instruments skipping for a moment before continuing on, like they had all hit the same pebble in the road.

  That meant each and every person saw when the door flew open again and Vivian marched through, holding Max and shooting stern and openly rude signs at Ash with one hand. For her part, Ash looked absolutely murderous as she ducked this way and then that, trying to find a way to take Max back, reaching over one side of Vivian and then the other.

  Relief cooled the stress headache that had been pounding on Kate’s temple like a drop of ice on sizzling skin. He would sit quietly for Vivian. He would be comforted by Vivian. Thank god for Vivian.

  Vivian, followed as usual by Charlie, headed into the house seats, where she began signing to Kate’s son as she rocked him in her lap. Charlie flopped into the seat next to Vivian and immediately began to argue with Ash in a low voice until with a loud smack Ash stood, her seat automatically and loudly folding in on itself. She stomped toward the backstage area, glaring nastily at Kate as she went by.

  She ignored Ash, instead trying desperately to catch Vivian’s eye. She knew relief was evident on her face when she did. Vivian gave her a worried but reassuring smile.

  “Thank you,” Kate covertly signed, trying to put into the simple words all of her gratitude.

  Vivian nodded.

  Rehearsal was easier after that, all of the other players able to relax. Kate, however, was just as distracted. Her eyes twitched constantly from the sheet music out to the audience. She knew she needed to focus; somewhere in the building were the other board members that Kate had seen on her last break. She had played horribly thus far; she needed to fix that. She was only a temp. The contract for that second year wasn’t set in stone yet, and it would be her luck to think she was fine only to discover they decided not to re-up her because of one horrible night of playing. Still, each time that she squared her shoulders, focusing on the black dots and squiggles on the page, she was lost a second later, looking at Vivian again.

  Had Vivian ever looked quite as beautiful as she did with Max against her chest?

  She watched Vivian wave a man over, for once speaking with her hands as Charlie voiced her words for her.

  Kate gave a snort as Vivian juggled Max from one shoulder to the next, trying to turn herself well enough to speak. She couldn’t stop looking, her eyes constantly drawn right back, seeing Max snuggling in, seeing his face grow slack, his thumb in his mouth.

  “Kate.” She jumped as Mary called her. “I think” – the violinist’s sweet round face contorted – “that you’re playing the second movement. We’re on the fourth.”

  Kate’s cheeks went hot. “Oh.”

  “That’s okay. You’re distracted,” Mary said. “Let’s try again.”

  “Right.” She glanced quickly back out into the audience. Vivian was shaking her head a bit, her eyes trained on Kate.

  She signed something that Kate didn’t know, but given the teasing smile, she had a feeling it was somethi
ng about paying attention.

  “Right,” she mumbled again, and did her best not to smile too stupidly.

  Ash entered the stage a few minutes later, her face dark and murderous. She sat a little more aggressively than need be, making her stool scrape the stage floor.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you so mad?” Kate whispered.

  “You mean other than the fact that I’m now at this rehearsal in my undershirt because my other is in the trash covered in baby puke?”

  “Problem solved! He’s with Vivian.”

  “I just can’t see why you didn’t ask Queen Vivian to sit with him in the first place! I just thought—” Ash’s mouth snapped shut with a loud click.

  Kate watched Ash’s gaze dart angrily around the room, everywhere but at her and at the trio in the audience. She had a feeling that this was less about the fact that Ash hadn’t been able to calm him and more about their recent break-up.

  “Ash, thank you for today, but even if it had gone better, you know that it wouldn’t have changed things, right?” Kate asked in a low voice, trying her best to be kind.

  Ash didn’t respond. Instead she mumbled something about water and slammed to her feet. All eyes turned to watch as she stomped off the stage and into the shadows.

  Kate’s mind was elsewhere the rest of the night, so it took her a long while to realize what the hot topic of conversation was.

  “Are you sure she isn’t going to eat him?” Mary asked William, the clarinet player, not bothering to drop her voice as the musicians all flipped to the next piece in their music.

  William laughed like a happy grandpa. “It’s not as though she is the nicest girl in the world. I’m surprised she knew how to get that boy to settle down, but she’s doing all right.”

  Kate looked up, realizing that they were talking about Max and Vivian.

  “I think it just proves,” John said, “that there is a real live woman somewhere within the Ice Queen.”

  The rude noise popped from her lips before she had given it permission, amused by the injustice of the nickname. She pictured the wide grin Vivian always had away from the hall.

  “Got a problem, Flynn?” Ash asked in a dry voice, still refusing to look at her.

  Kate’s teeth ground a little harder, her headache spiking. “You guys don’t know her very well, do you? Have any of you ever tried to talk to her at all?” she asked, doing her best to keep her voice polite.

  No one answered her.

  “Look,” John laughed, jerking his head toward the audience, “that poor idiot thinks he’s going to be able to change her mind about next season’s selections. She’s going to rip his soul out through his testicles.”

  Kate flushed, gripping her bow a little too tightly.

  “I don’t know why anyone bothers with the mute. Stubborn as a mule,” John continued as they were released from rehearsal. He stood to put his trumpet away. “Maybe she slipped the kid some gin.”

  Kate’s head whipped around, her mouth opening to say something – anything – to these jerks.

  “To be fair, she’s not a mute,” Mary said thoughtfully. “She does speak.”

  “Who cares? Look, she’s basically singing to him. You’re right, John, she must actually be a woman.”

  Kate watched, flabbergasted, as William, the clarinet player, leaned over and muttered to John. “Do you think she’d go out with me? I like those ball-crusher types.”

  Mary gasped, breaking into a lackluster tirade about professionalism in the workplace, but John’s huge laugh swallowed the words. “I wouldn’t have said it before, but after tonight I’d say you just might have a shot, friend!”

  “Oh, trust me,” Ash smirked, her face all cocky bravado. “You don’t have a shot unless you change your P to a V.”

  “Are you kidding?” Kate hissed at Ash. “Is that really how you’re going to be right now?”

  Ash just shrugged.

  Kate’s fingernails dug into the bottom of her chair, holding tightly and trying to get her traitor mouth to stay shut. This was one of those moments, like when she had confronted Vivian at the gala, where if she wasn’t careful, her mouth would run away without her. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to hold it in; but how could she not defend the person who was currently holding her sick son in her lap?

  “The Ice Queen is a lesbian, huh?” John asked, his tone impressed.

  “Yup,” Ash smirked, letting everyone there know exactly how Ash knew that.

  “Nice one!” someone said.

  The sound of the high five made Kate’s eyes snap open again. “So I’m new, I get that.” Her voice wobbled as she tried to keep it well mannered, wishing that the lighting crew would hurry up and make their decision about how the stage should be lit so they could go. “And you all have been” – she swallowed thickly – “very polite about my kid tonight. But I want to point out that just because she can’t hear you does not mean that it is okay to talk about Vivian right in front of her. She’s a person! This is really freaking unprofessional.”

  All of their blank faces stared back at her for a few beats.

  “I guess we’re all learning that tonight!” the clarinet player cried, clapping John on the shoulder.

  Kate just stared at them, amazed that Mary said nothing. That fact angered Kate more. As a personnel manager and as a fellow woman, Kate was sure she shouldn’t be the only one standing up for Vivian.

  “Mary.”

  Mary’s head turned, her worried eyebrows drawn. Kate looked on in disbelief, waiting for Mary to say anything at all. Mary just looked away.

  “Really? This is ableism and sexism to boot. Is that acceptable in this ensemble?”

  A sudden understanding blossomed in Kate as she watched them all snicker, realizing that this was why Vivian behaved as she did. This was why she was so outwardly cold; any sign of humanity and they assumed she was soft.

  “Okay, all clear!” a man from the back of the hall called.

  Kate was up from her seat in a flash, ready to storm backstage and pack up, but Ash blocked her way.

  Kate glared. She didn’t want to talk to her.

  “Katie,” Ash said in a soft voice.

  The nickname made Kate snarl a bit. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Ash’s eyebrows rose in surprise and she took a small step back in the face of Kate’s hostility.

  “Are you jealous? Is that it?”

  “Jealous? Of what exactly?” Ash smirked, her cocky arrogance suffocating Kate. “Why would I need to be? Unlike her, you’re normal, Kate. Birds of a fuckin’ feather or whatever.”

  Kate gaped, astounded. “I meant because she calmed my son when you couldn’t. Jesus, Ash. I wasn’t – what the hell, you act like Vivian is a cucumber because she can’t hear.”

  Ash gave a guffaw of laughter, which only spiked Kate’s anger more.

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  Kate watched Ash’s fingers nervously twist together. “Katie,” Ash started.

  “It’s Kate!” she snapped.

  She had been halfway through packing up her cello when Ash approached her, the bravado Kate had seen a moment before gone, replaced by an open and vulnerable face, eyes darting nervously, lip between teeth.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right.” Ash laughed a little, her fingers awkwardly massaging the back of her own neck as she studied the floor.

  “About?”

  “Vivian. You’re right. I was being totally rude.” When Kate said nothing, Ash groaned, her hands flapping. “Okay, okay, whatever. I was jealous. I tried to get him to stop crying, but he was not about it! Also, I’m not saying that it makes it better, but, um, I do have vomit on me and, shit, I had to trash my favorite shirt. That messes with the brain chemistry. I’ve literally never had puke on me before like this that wasn’t from fuckin’ drinking or some shit. And I’m supposed to go out later. How am I going to do that now? I smell fuckin’ nasty.”

  She huffed out a breath, repeating the questi
on in her head like a mantra. Ash was upset about her shirt. She was upset because she wanted to go out to a club later and now her outfit was ruined. The thought made Kate want to laugh. In that moment, it felt like there was a whole world between them, millions of miles from Ash’s life to Kate’s. They had so little in common besides music. Ash had never felt the fear of a late-night fever. She had never felt the joy of feeling the little being inside you move. Ash had thrown away her shirt because Max had thrown up on it, actually thrown it away. Was she serious? In the beginning she had liked the reprieve from her life, from all that it was. Ash had been fun, and she had reminded her of an easier time, but now she was beginning to wonder why she had liked that. She wouldn’t go back to her life before Max for anything in the world. So why had she been trying to?

  “Plus, it’s fuckin’ Vivian,” Ash was saying. “The crocodile was the one to take him, of all fuckin’ people, Kate. I mean, come on!”

  Kate ran her hands over her face, scratching her nails over her scalp. She was tired of this issue. She had been tired of it for a while now. She understood that Vivian and Ash had a history that had started long before Kate arrived, but right now she was stressed, she was exhausted, she was kind of tired of looking at Ash’s face, and frankly she had more important things to deal with. “Look. Thank you for the help tonight. Okay? I’m going to go now.”

  “Kate!”

  “I’m gonna go, okay?”

  “Wait.” Ash gripped her arm tightly. “Wait, please. We gotta talk. We need to—”

  “It’s not really an apology if you force me to take it, Ash!” she called behind her and continued into the seats toward her sick child.

  “Can we talk about us?”

  “No!” She turned on Ash, angry and annoyed. “Aren’t you getting it, Ash? We don’t fit! All of this, this whole freaking night, just proves that. So can you just stop? Can you just let it go, please?” She didn’t wait for a response.

  “I hear you defended my honor quite chivalrously.” Vivian smiled as Kate sat beside her.

  “Huh?”