The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  She didn’t slam things the next morning as she had before. Instead, her limbs felt heavy, groggy, as she made coffee.

  She and Vivian were done. She had lost her.

  No, she had been forced from her by Vivian herself.

  Her mind cycled through the same three thoughts as she fixed breakfast for Max. She had been dumped. Vivian had walked out on her twice, uncaring of Kate’s feelings. Why had she ever thought things would be different?

  She set the plate down for him and slumped into the chair beside him, a cup of strong coffee in her hands.

  She felt horrible. Her head ached almost as much as her heart.

  “Can we have music?”

  “Hmm?” Kate sighed, looking up from the swirls of steam rising from her cup.

  “Music!” Max grinned, a bit of egg hanging from his chin.

  “Sure, kid.” She picked up her phone and started to scroll.

  “Pretty.” He smiled as the piano began the opening chords of Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue album.

  She knew she was torturing herself by listening to it, by letting her thoughts drift through that first night, the way Vivian’s eyes had held her own, as she remembered all of Vivian’s soft touches, the way she had been able to make Vivian laugh.

  She couldn’t force Vivian to meet her halfway, and she couldn’t explain what had been wrong with what happened unless Vivian was willing to try.

  Vivian wasn’t.

  She was wallowing.

  She let her head fall to her hands and groaned. She had to get out of the house. She couldn’t just sit here like this.

  “Hey, buddy, you want to go to the movies?”

  “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” Max cried, his arms pumping in the air.

  “Okay. Finish up and then change, okay? I’ll see what’s playing.”

  The eggs were gone in a mouthful, and with a clatter he dropped his plate into the sink, streaking off to his bedroom.

  Kate chuckled, watching him go.

  This would be fine.

  She grabbed her phone, forcing Miles’ wailing trumpet to shut the hell up.

  She just wouldn’t think about this anymore.

  In her hand, her phone gave a clipped little vibration, and Kate choked on her coffee.

  If she let herself notice how quickly she had clicked over to her texts, her heart in her throat, then she would have been embarrassed.

  She clicked on the message and stared, dumbfounded.

  “Your reaction was appropriate. It did look like a breakup. I’m sorry. Can we talk?” – V

  The thing that was blowing her mind, Kate thought that evening, was that Vivian seemed like she really meant it. She wanted to talk. She was willing to try to make this better. She could barely believe that.

  “Kate?” the barista called. Kate gave him a quick smile as she took the cup. Breathing in the rich scent of it, she headed back out of the door and onto Randolph, pushing her way through the migrating bodies of tourists with an efficiency that spoke of her becoming a local.

  “Can we talk?”

  The thought of the text that morning made Kate’s step a little lighter as she headed toward the stage door for that night’s rehearsal.

  Vivian would be waiting for her. They would talk, either before rehearsal or after.

  She had no idea what that talk would bring, if it would be productive or if it would end up with Vivian walking away again. She didn’t exactly have the best history with relationships and this thing with Vivian had been so sudden, but she would see. Perhaps she would insist that they went to the loft this time, so if need be, Kate could be the one to leave.

  She hoped she wouldn’t need to do that.

  Kate sipped her drink as she pulled open the door and stepped into the darkened backstage area. Blinking a few times, she tried to adjust to the darkness.

  Stumbling blindly, she banged her knee on a stray practice chair and groaned as the sharp pain blossomed across her shin. She jerked it to the side so no one would have the same accident. Cursing, Kate rubbed at the sore spot for a moment, the coffee balanced in her other hand, and looked up.

  The first thing she saw was Charlie grinning at her playfully with her tongue poking between her teeth. “Nice trip,” she quickly signed.

  Kate rolled her eyes, but as usual, she was smiling as she did it. Then, with an unavoidable pull, her gaze was drawn to her counterpart.

  For once, Vivian wasn’t in the middle of a fight with a subordinate, but instead talking lightly, a small smile on her face.

  Despite the fact that she was still beside the door, Kate sank into the chair, rubbing mindlessly at her shin. Vivian was so beautiful, her hair pushed behind one ear, her lipstick lush and alluring, her eyes bright and sparkling. She watched her for a few moments, stuck in the loop of rubbing her leg and watching, despite the fact that the dull ache had now stopped. She liked the way that Vivian was smiling. That had to be a good sign, right?

  From across the room, Vivian turned to Charlie, and then she spotted Kate.

  Kate felt her gaze like a warm breeze, her stomach and heart doing a quick tango. Awkwardly, she lifted her hand and gave a small wave.

  Before she could berate herself for her lack of suavity, Vivian’s lips twitched. It wasn’t quite a smile, and the tension in her face made Kate nervous, but just before she turned away, one long-lashed eye dropped into a playful wink.

  Kate ducked her head, that quick tango turning into a jaunty jive. She rose and started across the room, where, with a little more hope, she began to ready herself for the coming evening.

  THE END

  A PREVIEW OF SHADES OF BLUE, PART TWO IN THE LOUDEST SILENCE SERIES

  The trio sat around the very full Thanksgiving table and enthusiastically loaded their plates before raising their glasses in a toast.

  “To Thanksgiving! May it be one of our best!” Kate said with a wink at Max.

  “What are you great-full for?” her four-year-old chided his mother when she didn’t continue.

  “Oh! Um.” Kate’s cheeks warmed a little. “This year I’m thankful for, well, my life, where it is right here and now. I’m in the best playing shape of my career. I have a roof over my head, plenty of food, and wonderful people to share it with.”

  She cleared her throat, a little embarrassed as she tried to avoid the eyes around the table. She couldn’t, it seemed, and so she glanced up and caught Vivian’s gaze. Her girlfriend – how had she landed such a sexy girlfriend? – gave her one of those just-for-them smiles. The return grin that popped to Kate’s lips was automatic.

  “Anyway,” she said, taking a sip of wine and changing the subject. “What are you guys grateful for?”

  Max scratched his chin in thought, as he had seen Sherlock Holmes do on television. “Chocolate pie!” he finally cried.

  “Chocolate pie?” Vivian feigned shock, her eyebrows high and her mouth popping open in the overly animated way that she often spoke. “Not Mommy or your food or The Avengers or Supergirl? Chocolate pie?!”

  He giggled, falling sideways in his chair as she reached over to tickle him. “Yup! Chocolate pie! Now you!” He pointed at his tickle monster.

  “Me? Well, I…” Vivian looked around the table, laughter still shining in her beautiful eyes. Kate’s heart skipped lightly in her chest. “I suppose I am thankful for the turn my life has taken recently.”

  Kate nodded thoughtfully. “So, how recently, exactly? Are we talking since-I-moved-to-Chicago ‘recently,’ or like, did you meet a cute girl at the store, or—”

  “Oh hush, you!” Vivian said, not at all bothered by Kate’s teasing. “Let’s eat!”

  They happily dug in, Kate with a little more enthusiasm than she usually gave Thanksgiving dinner. She had never cooked so much in her life, and she was sure it would be amazing. She had a theory that if you added only good spices to a dish, then it had no choice but to come out well. But as she bit into the turkey, she learned she was very wrong. It didn’t taste burnt exactly
. Instead, the bird crumbled in her mouth, reducing itself to unpleasantly smoky and bland sawdust.

  Her lip twitched as she took another bite, avoiding the two pairs of eyes covertly slipping to her and away, to her and away. She chewed, looking around the quiet dining room, taking in the photo of Max Vivian had hung with pride, the window that led to the patio, the salt and pepper shakers. In short, she looked everywhere but at Vivian and Max.

  On her third bite she couldn’t take it anymore. “Also, I’m thankful that your mom will have food at her house when we go later.” The other two burst into a clatter of laughter, Kate lamenting over them, “Why did anyone let me cook the turkey? Whose idea was that? What were you guys thinking?”

  “Try some gravy.” Vivian handed it to her when their laughter had settled, her face entirely too innocent for Kate to believe she wouldn’t be mocked for this later.

  The sauce turned the turkey into wet, smoky mush.

  “Well.” Kate sat back from her plate. “At least I never said I could cook.”

  “Oh, you lie!” Vivian cried.

  Kate made a face at her, and in retaliation Vivian grabbed a dinner roll and threw it at her.

  “Yeah! You lie!” Max bellowed, the confusion on his face suddenly lifting as he realized he had an excuse to throw something at his mom.

  “Hey! I didn’t say I could cook well!”

  Vivian rolled her eyes. “Someone’s pants are on fire, Ms. Flynn.”

  Kate stuck her tongue out, delighted as Vivian’s fingers intertwined with her on top of the table and gave a small squeeze.

  Despite the state of the turkey, their bellies filled, and they gathered on the couch to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and snooze their way through a food coma. Vivian flopped down first, kicking off her heels and groaning in a way that was unusual for someone who typically strived for physical and behavioral perfection.

  Kate liked it. She enjoyed the rare occasion when Vivian let go of her professional mask to just be herself. She dropped onto Vivian, making her groan at the pressure on her belly. Max, grinning wildly, climbed on top of the pile of women and settled in a ball like a cat on a perch.

  “Oh ... so ... full!” Vivian gasped, shoving Kate’s shoulder out of her gut, but also pointedly not pushing her off, Kate noticed.

  “That turkey really was gross,” Kate admitted, her chin tilted up so that Vivian could see her speak.

  “It was.” Vivian laughed, running a finger down her jaw. “Next year I will cook the turkey.”

  Kate’s eyes had just settled comfortably closed, but they flew open again at Vivian’s pronouncement. She tried to meet her gaze, but Vivian had become distracted by Max, whose toes were far too close to her face.

  Had she really just said next year?

  Kate and Vivian’s relationship was still fairly new, Kate having only just moved to Chicago for her job at the Windy City Chamber Ensemble, and yet their relationship had been intense from the start. It was always intense when you were friends first, lovers second. Even more so when someone spent so long dating someone who was a bad choice, as Kate had done, while the other watched in frustrated agony. It was lover’s torture.

  Kate open her mouth, but she found she didn’t know what to say.

  It was true, there was something different between them now, a feeling that perhaps things could last. Kate knew that. Still, hearing Vivian make plans for something three hundred and sixty-five days away was equal parts thrilling and terrifying. She didn’t have the best dating record, but she liked Vivian. She liked her a lot. She...

  Kate bit her lip, cuddling in a little closer.

  Vivian gave a grunt, having finally gotten Max to turn around, his head resting on Kate’s shoulder.

  He gave a big sigh and melted in, purring happily. “Mommy, it’s almost Christmas!”

  Kate chuckled. Her eyes closed as Vivian softly ran her fingers down the side of her face. The sensation immediately sedated her, warmed her. “That’s right, buddy.”

  “Yeah!” He giggled, his legs jerking with happiness. Both women groaned.

  A few moments of silence passed, comfortable and easy. Kate smiled slowly as from behind her Max began to play with her hair, humming something slightly out of key that sounded like “Joy to The World.”

  She loved his little voice.

  Carefully, as not to disturb him, Kate lifted Vivian’s hand and placed it on Max’s back.

  Vivian’s eyes crinkled around the edges as she smiled. “Is he singing?” she asked, her free hand covertly signing her silent words.

  Kate nodded and let her head fall back to Vivian’s chest, her son cuddled in close on her back.

  Kate hadn’t had much luck in life, not as a child in the foster system and not as an adult. And yet, sitting here now sandwiched between Vivian and Max, she couldn’t help but think that somehow this move had changed the way the wind blew.

  Vivian shifted a little so her warm lips could press a kiss into Kate’s forehead. “He’s wonderful, you know.”

  Kate grinned up at her. “You’re wonderful.”

  Yes. Somehow, she had finally gotten lucky.

  COMING SOON…

  About the Author

  While new to publishing, Olivia Janae is not new to writing. It has been her favorite pastime since she was young.

  As a child growing up in California, it was always her dream to one day see her name on the cover of a book.

  Olivia now lives in the Midwest with her classical musician wife, three cats and, soon, a baby will make six.

  Outside of her love of writing, Olivia is an avid movie buff with an obsessive love of cooking, candy making, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

  Connect with Olivia

  www.oliviajanae.com

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  The unchallenging and dull life of an assistant in a small London bookshop is where Zoe Achidi feels safe.

  Frequent customer, Rebecca Clare, makes Zoe's days a little brighter. But the beautiful, and impressive businesswoman in her forties seems unobtainable.

  Zoe's brother and her best friend are convinced that she is stuck in a rut. When they decide to meddle in Zoe's life, they manage to bring Zoe and Rebecca together.

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  Amy is stuck in a rut. After graduating, she never left her temporary job at the motorway service station. Daily visits from a mysterious woman are the highlight of her days.

  Until one day, when the mystery woman vanishes.

  Amy investigates the disappearance and makes a shocking discovery. Suddenly, she’s being framed and no-nonsense Claudia McAllister is being sent to arrest her.

  Will Amy’s unique approach to evading capture prove successful?

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  SHADES OF BLUE by OLIVIA JANAE

  Kate and Vivian are anxious to put their recent disagreement in the past. As they settle into their happy routine again, both are excited for the coming holidays with each other and Max.

  When Vivian’s mother, and head of the J. C. Kensington Foundation, pulls Kate aside after Thanksgiving and offers her a gift she never knew existed, Kate’s spi
rits soar.

  However, its not long before Kate begins to suspect that perhaps Jacqueline can’t always be trusted.

  With allegiances torn, Kate has to decide, will she fight for the love she isn’t sure she deserves or will she give in and let these lonely shades of blue overtake her?

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