[Epik Fantasy 01.0] Hero in a Halfling

by William Tyler Davis

  “I’m not a kid; I’m a halfling. She, uh—“

  “The normal thing,” Gerdy said. She put on a thick accent. She sounded rather witchy. ”This here, peeping Tom, was lookin’ in me window, saw me light a fire with my mind, do the dishes—with my mind. I grabbed a pot from the cupboard—with my mind.”

  “Oh,” he said slack jawed, his eyes raised.

  “What is that?” Epik pointed to the book in the guard’s hand.

  “This,” he said, “is called a mass market paperback. It’s a book, meant to be read once. Else the pages start coming out if you try to reread it. This particular one is about an inept wizard.” The guard winked. “We’ve seen our fair share of them recently.”

  Epik looked around. “Is it just you in here? Where are the other guards?”

  “Oh,” the guard said, crossing his legs on the table. “The king moved about thirty of ‘em in the castle this morning. Out of his gourd, if ya ask me. No king will ever last more than ten years. No matter how much guarding there is. Dungeon’s down there, by the way.”

  There was a hole just under the table. Epik could make out holds carved into the rock, lengthwise, like a ladder. The guard’s foot rested at the lip. He slid a jagged key across the table. “It’s universal, will open any of the cells. But I wouldn’t put her in any of ‘em that’s occupied. And miss, I’d watch out for any damp spots if I were you.” He chuckled another laugh and opened the book again to the middle.

  Gerdy led the way down, Epik mock jabbing the pike in her face when she slowed.

  “Hey,” she whispered, “you can stop that. I’m having trouble finding where to put my feet.”

  “I thought you were part dwarf?” Epik whispered back. “Can’t you see in the dark?”

  “Dwarf women don’t work in the mine, now do they?”

  “I wouldn’t know,” Epik said honestly.

  Gerdy’s feet hit solid rock a few moments later. Torches lined the wall, some lit, some not. They followed them. For a moment, Epik thought he saw two shadows about his size along the rock wall. But he shrugged it off as they continued. Gertrude pointed down a stairway. “The regular cells are down there,” she said. “Todder said Gabby is in the high-security cell tonight.” She shrugged. “Wherever that is.”

  The tunnel curved and swerved and doubled back; it slanted downward then upward and down again. Until finally they reached a hole in the cliff face. The salty spew of ocean water misted around them as they peered out into the foggy night.

  “Dead end,” Gerdy said, flummoxed. “I thought for sure—“

  Epik poked his head out. His eyes took a moment adjusting to the night, but only a moment.

  “No,” he said, “right here, there’s another cavern.”

  “You don’t think? I mean… we don’t even know what that is.”

  It was true. Maybe they’d missed some tunnel or secret passage. Frustration welled inside Epik, but as he went to push it away, it grabbed hold of him. He felt that familiar tingle of magic in the back of his mind.

  “No,” he said. “I can feel Gabby’s magic. I know it. He’s in there.”

  Gerdy looked uneasily out of the cave mouth. “I’m… uh… not so good with water.” The waves crashed below. “Or heights,” she said timidly.

  “It’s okay. I’ll go,” Epik said without trepidation.

  Gerdy handed him a small pack that she’d brought from the bar. He shouldered it over his neck.

  Looking down wasn’t a good idea, but Epik took a deep breath and slid off the dwarf boots that didn’t fit him anyway. He found holds on the rock wall, similar to those they’d come down. And he scurried sideways across to the other opening. There was no light in this cavern, only inky gray mixed with inky black rock. The halflings toes sloshed forward in the cool ocean water that had made its way inside. Magic, Epik felt it again in the back of his mind, right where Gabby said it would be. He heard breathing, panting.

  “Gabby?” he whispered into the darkness.

  Twin barks echoed immediately off the cavern walls, surrounding him. It was impossible to say from where, but all signs said the dog was coming for him. White lights flickered across the walls as two lamps came into view, hung from twin collars on the dog’s neck. They may have been meant to light the dog's way, but they had an alternate effect—to show the ferocious teeth of the two-headed animal like each head was telling a ghost story. The dog stopped short when it came into view. It studied Epik a moment, then slowly began walking his way, prowling, its twin jaws mirroring growls.

  Epik fell backward, crawling like a crab in the opposite direction. But the beast was still gaining ground. Epik tried flipping over to his stomach to run, but a rock caught Gerdy’s pack and sent the contents flying. Two large bones hung in the air, falling ever so slowly before both were snatched up by the mutts—or mutt—Epik wasn’t sure if it was singular. The dog landed spryly on the other side of Epik’s chest with the bones in each mouth. For a moment, the heads growled at each other, both snapping for the other’s bone. Then one dropped its bone, and the other snatched it up greedily. In the melee that followed the bone switched hands, or rather, mouths, several times before both heads settled on one bone and started chewing satisfyingly.

  “Well they’re not going to lie there all day,” Gabby’s voice came from around the corner, beaming. “Well done lad, let’s get out of here.”

  The wizard was unfazed, expectant even. He stood in his cell, the light bouncing from room to room as the dog’s heads chewed anxiously.

  “You knew I’d come?” Epik went to pull the key from his pocket before remembering. “Gerdy has the key.”

  “I suspected you’d come,” the wizard said. “You don’t happen to have that wand I gave you?”

  Epik pulled the wand from his back pocket. He put the tip of it between the locking mechanism, and simultaneously, while twisting the wand’s end, he drew from the energy in the back of his mind.

  Click.

  “It opened. I did magic,” Epik said.

  “No, you picked a lock,” Gabby said, squeezing himself through the open door. “Though, several magicians equate the two. To be fair to them, they’re usually submerged in a box.”

  Epik gave the dog a wide berth as they left the cave. Gabby simply stepped over it. But stopped to pat each head. Neither seemed particularly vicious at the moment.

  “Now that wasn’t too hard, was it?”

  “What wasn’t?”

  “Saving me,” Gabby said. “I knew you had it in you.”

  21

  Skinny Legs and All

  A fog had rolled in quickly, from the ocean to the river to the city; it clung stagnantly in the Brook and other low lying parts of the city. It wafted like a slow moving shadow into Jersy and beyond the Wall.

  “Remember our mountain?” Al said. “The way the clouds hang beneath each peak?”

  “I miss the mountain,” Kelly said.

  “You miss your boyfriend,” Boulder said.

  “Shut up!”

  “What boyfriend?” Al said, gruffly.

  “Al…” Peggy gave him a look. They headed back for the city. Last night had been so easy. So fun. It felt like they were younglings again, like Kelly and Boulder.

  “No, seriously, what boyfriend?” Al asked. “Neville Slopebottom?”

  “Al!”

  “Dad, just stop!”

  “Cliff Drumlin,” Bould said, snickering gruffly.

  “Bould!” Kelly snapped. “Shut up! Cliff already fissured with me anyway.” She even pouted gruffly.

  “No?” Peggy said, sounding hurt. “He didn’t. Really?”

  “It’s cause I wouldn’t quake out… Like Tina.” Kelly sighed like a gust of wind. “She’s such a—“

  But Kelly couldn’t finish her thought. Al was laughing—hard, shaking the remnants of old moss from his shoulders. “My daughter?” he said, still laughing. “Wouldn’t quake out?”

  “Al!”

  They veered away
from the Bludmud River, Dune All-En was mere miles ahead. They trekked north by scent and instinct.

  “So why won’t your friends join us?” Al asked Peg.

  “Your friends,” Peg grumbled. “They said something about not wanting to start a world war.”

  “All war is the world’s concern,” Al said sagely—and gruffly.

  Through the mist, the city was all but invisible. The faint echo of the river and sea, of humans out on the town with the distant murmurs of voices, served as a reminder of the prey they were after. The smell of humans and waste guided the trolls through the fog. But the mist did play a game with shadows.

  A short way’s away, in the city, the small Shadow moved through the streets like a specter, unnoticed. It was time to reveal himself for what he was.

  Fog never claimed to offer any real protection, not to trolls. Not to anyone. And men, when they listened to something other than their own thoughts, could hear troll footsteps a mile away.

  Four trolls, Todder counted. “There’s four of ‘em,” he yelled into the air.

  Even from this distance, he could smell them. Their stench wasn’t as bad as he would have thought. It was earthy, like the smell of dug up soil, mixed with sweat or swamp water.

  The rangers hadn’t just sat around waiting by the fire. They had snuck into the marshy field beyond the Wall. They attacked together, with well-planned maneuvers meant to confuse and disorient the mighty trolls, which were bigger by far than Todder could have ever imagined. Coe’s blade sliced through the biggest troll’s rocky triceps. The troll reacted just in time, but then another blade sliced down the troll’s calf; it bent low in pain, pus oozing like tar from the wound. The troll regained some composure, knocking Rotrick back with a swift backhand, before searching the swirling mist for Collus who was nowhere to be found. They worked as a good pair. Rotrick the exact opposite style fighter as Coe—left handed.

  The dwarves had similar luck, taking swings and jabs at another of the massive trolls. Todder saw both pickaxe and hammer land glancing blows on the beast before Two-finger’s blade sawed through its fleshy middle. The troll doubled over before whacking the dwarves down with one swipe. They countered as a single unit, hammers to its back and side.

  It was the two smaller trolls that were of more of Todder’s concern. One, about twice the size of Todder himself, jetted by them at full gallop, making its way into the city with only the minor protest of the young guards. Several troops ran after it in a halfhearted pursuit, turning back to see Todder, Brendan, and two other men square off with the other, more formidable troll. It was double the size of the other with a long pointed nose. One of its bottom fangs curled around its lips.

  The sword felt heavy in Todder’s grip, but he held on tight as he swung it in an arch toward the troll’s shoulder.

  “Told ya about skinny breeches,” he heard Two-finger yell.

  “What do we do?” Jordan asked.

  “Just do what they do!” Todder pointed to the dwarves, fighting with controlled ease. It was easier said than done.

  Collus and Rotrick were heated in battle with the largest of the trolls. Black tar blood pooled beneath it. The troll snapped at them wildly. Its fangs jutted from its bottom jaw and were easily the size of a man. The rangers took turns swinging heavy swords at him, left and then right, left and then right. So there was no reprieve from the melee.

  “And like they do?” Jordan asked, tentative. But he thrust his pike clumsily at the troll’s chest. The troll grabbed it by the middle, yanking him with it in the process, then threw him to the ground and stomped, finding a hold with her foot on his chest, then the troll began to press down.

  “Dammit, Jordan!” Todder said.

  “It’s Justin,” Justin said with his last breath. Todder winced.

  The dwarves were doing quick work. Out of the corner of an eye, Todder watched as they landed the finishing blow. Their troll landed in the dirt with a thud.

  A guttural growl parted from the other troll’s lips. Its strength doubled. With its new found adrenaline, the troll knocked both Collus and Rotrick back.

  But Todder had his own problems. After killing Justin, his troll too was out for blood.

  He took action. The sergeant jumped into the air—several inches—and swung his sword magnificently at the beast’s chest. He missed, landing on the ground, heart pounding dizzyingly in his chest. The troll took her opportunity to swipe eagerly at the large old man. This was it, he was going to die. But in that instant, Todder remembered something from grade school. He dodged, he dipped, he dived, ducked, and dodged once more. He assessed himself. Everything seemed to be in working order. He smiled stupidly. He was alive.

  Then the trolls arm began to rock back.

  The beast’s elbow grazed Todder’s cheek, but he found leverage enough to hack into her side with his sword. The rusty thing barely had any effect. Quickly, he took the crossbow from his side and pointed it at her neck, squeezing the trigger without actually meaning to. The bolt sank deep into the troll’s neck. It began to cough and splutter before pulling the thing out and roaring angrily.

  “I can’t believe that worked,” Brendan yelled, reaching down for his holstered crossbow.

  “I can’t believe that worked,” Epik said as they made it back into the main dungeon.

  “Well, we’re not out of the pinch just yet,” Gabby said.

  “Well,” Epik said with some frustration, “I assume you've got a plan of some sort. To get us out of here?”

  “You assume wrong,” the wizard said plainly. “This is your show,” he said. “But just for kicks, what exactly are we up against?”

  “There's a couple of guards up at the gatehouse,” Epik said. “And that’s about it.” He shrugged. Only now did Epik realize that Gerdy was nowhere near the cavern’s mouth. “I left Gerdy right here,” he said in a whisper.

  The sound of footsteps padded down the tunnel toward them. Epik raised the wand, unsure what he’d do with it. He looked back at Gabby, defenseless. “Do you want this back?” he asked.

  “Oh no, it’s fine. I’ve got plenty to spare.”

  “About that—“

  “One guard down,” Gerdy said, trotting down the black cavern before them. “Our friend with the paperback came down looking for you. I heard him shouting ‘little man, little man, did you get lost?’” She began walking the other way, expecting the wizard and halfling to follow, but they stood on the spot, waiting for her to finish her story. She sighed back at them. “So, I followed him down to the other cells and shoved him in one, didn’t I?”

  “You don't think anyone will notice?” Epik asked.

  “It's not like his friend outside can check the time, now can he? He’ll probably notice about the time he pisses himself when the other hasn’t relieved him.”

  They hustled through the half lit tunnel. Epik and Gertrude climbed the rocky face. Epik had given Gabby back the wand, and he lingered behind then cast his hovering charm and floated up, hitting his head on the table above the tunnel entrance. Serves him right, Epik thought. He never taught Epik how to do a hover charm.

  The guardhouse was empty now, eerily so. Epik peeked his head out. The other guard still stood outside; his head cocked backward against the stone so he could easily be sleeping for all they knew.

  “He’s still out there.” Epik eyed the wand—his wand—in Gabby’s hands. “We could use magic. Obliviate his memory or something? Stun him? Maybe,” Epik grinned, his imagination flowing with what he thought were magical ideas, “you could put him in some sort of bubble, like a soap bubble and fly it out to sea. Just over the rocks, over there.”

  “Maybe I could float him out to sea,” Gabby said. “But what good would the bubble be?”

  “Sound proof?” Epik said. “So he couldn’t alert the other guards.”

  “Never work. Sound proofing is quite advanced.”

  “So just float him then,” Gerdy said.

  Gabby pondered it. “No, no, t
his is Epik’s show. If we screw it up, we have the whole of the Watch and the Palace Guard after us.”

  “How do we get past him then?”

  “We,” Gerdy said, “don’t.”

  “We don’t?” Both Gabby and Epik stared back at her.

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? He can only see Gab and me. Epik can sneak by him with no problems—the way he’s got his head all cocked back.”

  The wizard grinned. “Genius,” he said. “And then—“

  “And then I can create a diversion,” Epik added, his mind turning like clockwork again. He tried to grab the wand—his wand—the one in Gabby’s hand by its tip. “I could blow up a building or something, really get him going.”

  Gabby jerked his arm away. “You’ve already got the skill set you need for this. You do not need the wand.”

  Gerdy put a finger to her lips as their voices began to rise.

  “What if we run into more guard?”

  “If we run into more guard, then I will need all my faculties about me.”

  “Then what am I supposed to do?”

  “You’ll think of something.” Gabby’s lipped pursed into a frown. “I just remembered something,” he said.

  “What is it?” Gerdy asked hopefully.

  “I left my hat down in the cave.”

  “Should we go back and get it?” Epik asked. He was serious, but only because how much weight wizards put into their hats. Though, most of that weight was due to overfed rabbits.

  “Probably not,” Gabby said. “I’ll summon it later.”

  “This isn’t getting us anywhere,” Gerdy said. A brisk wind blew through the tunnel and into the guard house.

  Gabby twirled the wand around, muttering under his breath.

  Epik took another peek outside.

  “Oh, it’s just you again,” Nacer said, entering his dark office. The Shadow was there against the opposite wall. He was beginning to think this operative wasn’t a person at all. The way he skulked about. There was something odd, even for a sinister type.

  “I looked up Epiman,” Nacer said. “Quite the resume. Seems he bought up most of Jersy after King Simmons took power. Money like that, well, it’s hard to come by. He must be hard up if he needs this back-terra money.”