TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  “I don’t question my love for Chad. I don’t even question my desire for him. I question how it’s possible that all the memories I have growing up are about my being terrified bound and raped and always at my dad’s mercy. I spent so many days and nights in physical pain because of the extent of what he did…” I choke on a sob I didn’t even know had erupted and I dash the tears from my eyes. I hate nothing more than crying over things Cody Beckett did to me. “How is it possible that I find the roughness, the restraint so hot? I should be scared not dying for more.”

  She looks at me and I don’t know if she is waiting for me to finish, or if she is trying to process all I’ve unloaded on her. I wait though and I almost forget to breathe while waiting for the answer. “You truly believe that you should feel fear when Chad exerts control sexually?”

  I bite my lip and nod.

  “That sort of behavior and thinking is common in masochistic and sadist tendencies.” I swear to God she said it like it wasn’t the most terrifying thing she could have said to me.

  “I don’t think you understand what I am saying. I do not want to be slapped, spanked, tied up, cropped, burned or punished in anyway. I do not have a desire to inflict those same things on Chad. What I like is the loss of control. I like that he is dirty and rough. I liked being restrained by him, not with rope or cuffs, but by his body.”

  She nods and I start thinking of all the pretty purses I could have bought with the one hundred and fifty dollars I am paying her. “There are different degree’s of both. I’m not implying that you are either of those things. I am explaining the commonalities between the two.” She sets her notepad down and leans in like we are suddenly best friends. “I think, and I say this off the record Carrie- I think that Chad being the only positive sexual relationship you have had has a lot to do with where the emotion is coming from. You have known Chad and loved him far longer than the emotional aspect of your relationship. You have trusted him for years and that type of trust isn’t there when most relationships begin. I think you like him having control sexually because it is freeing to you.”

  “And the medical opinion?” I ask hoping it’s different from her opinion as a woman. Her womanly opinion made way too much damn sense.

  “My professional opinion is the same.” She sits back and smiles. The smile is warm and oddly comforting. “I can’t tell you what is right and wrong in your sexual relationship with Chad. I can’t because you aren’t insecure by it. If you were left feeling degraded or ashamed because you didn’t like how he treated you, then I would suggest ways to cope with the trauma of your past and how it is relating to your sexual relationship now.” She shakes her head no. “However you said you felt elated, free even. There is nothing wrong with your desires Carrie. As long as you communicate your wants and needs to Chad and he respects them, then I find nothing wrong at all. Should either one of you cross a boundary that the other has set, then that’s when there is a cause for concern.”

  I take in what she said and I do feel better having her professional opinion. It was pretty much the same as her womanly opinion but it had more words and terms and stuff and that made it feel more official. Call me crazy but it helped. “What about the underlying issues though?”

  I ask this because I am paying her for the next twenty-two minutes and maybe that can be answered as well.

  “What about them?” She asks her notepad back in hand and her professional Dr. face back on.

  “How can I heal?” It sounds so simple to ask but I know that there is no true healing from it.

  She looks sad and drops that fucking notepad again. This chick is like two different people.

  “I can’t begin to imagine what it was like growing up for you. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that your story is the worst case of sexual abuse I have ever had in my office. To see you in college and happy… to see you concerned with your own relationship? Well it speaks volumes on how strong a woman you are. Most people in your shoes would have trouble surviving in normal day to day life. Your brother and his invention of ‘Trust Me’ most likely saved you both. I hear stories like this and I am disgusted by the laws that don’t protect children like you and Noah. There should be no statute of limitations when the crime is sexual abuse. As a child, Carrie, you didn’t know, didn’t have the capacity to understand what was being done to you. By the time you both were able to run, able to understand what was happening, your time was up.” She looks away then and I can see a slight shimmer in her eyes and I am taken back seeing such emotion from someone in her field.

  “I don’t think you need healing Carrie. You are very strong and you have survived a gruesome nightmare. If there was any advice I think you could benefit from it would be to enjoy your life. Love Chad Blake and let him in. Letting people in is the easy part, it’s trusting them once they are there that sucks. You trust Chad it seems implicitly.”

  “I do.”

  “Then there’s your answer. Let yourself be loved. If it doesn’t work out you have survived so much, the lesson learned in loving him will only make you stronger.”

  I smile. “Is that your professional opinion or the woman’s opinion?” I ask with a light chuckle.

  “It is my humble opinion.”

  I don’t know what to say but seeing I still have seven minutes I go for broke. “And dealing with my father at the trust meeting, knowing he baited Noah asking about me?”

  She almost cringes, in fact I know she does but she is professional enough to not let me see it. “I would limit the contact to the meeting. Let the attorneys hash the trust out and avoid speaking with him. Make sure that the trust attorney knows that you have nothing to say to him and they should be able to handle it for you. Make sure that if he does make a threat or refuses to keep his distance that you document everything if you chose to get the authorities involved.”

  “The cops won’t help. Our dad is a Sergeant with Seattle PD.”

  “He’s in law enforcement? Was he always in law enforcement?” She asks, her tone shocked that he could live two separate lives.

  “Yeah. Our mom handled the Joints business until she passed away. Dad was just a beat cop back then so he gave the reins over to Seth and Lilly.”

  “But you never thought to tell someone about the abuse?” Her tone was making me nervous because I felt like she was judging me.

  “He threatened us. He said that he would make sure we were separated when we were dropped in foster care. He told Noah that he treated me better than what a foster home would and back then we were too scared to call his bluff. Once we ran we made sure he knew about the box Noah had and the contents of that box is our insurance.”

  “Can I ask what the box contains?” She was back to her notepad writing quickly and I was going crazy wondering what she was writing. She did stop however when I told her what was in the box.

  “What kind of proof?” She asked in response to my answer.

  “Noah had recorded him without him knowing. The recording is from four days before we left. He had beaten Noah bloody and then attacked me on the kitchen table. Noah recorded the whole thing and then made copies when our dad was at work. The day we left he was at work and Noah left a copy of it on the table along with pictures of Noah beaten and bloody. Our dads voice was on the tape, the filthy things he said to me while he was violating me. His voice as he beat Noah, telling him how useless he was and that he was gonna kill him one day.

  “He told him in the note that if he came looking for us then the tape was going to land on the desk of every newspaper, internet site and news channel for all of Washington state.”

  “And the threats now?”

  “Noah just reminded him about the tape. He told him that should anything happen to either of us or we go missing, that his friend would finish the job and send the tape out. Then he broke his nose.”

  She was shaking her head in disbelief. “Good for Noah.” She finally said once her shock wore off.

  I nod because
duh!

  “It scares me to know he could be looking in my window or watching me when I don’t know it. What if he finds out that Noah is on one of his many weekend to week long tours?”

  She listens intently and I am watching the clock like a crazy lady. I only have two minutes left. “Arrange to go with him, or if you can afford it have security stay with you. Perhaps your Aunt and Uncle?”

  I am shaking my head no vehemently. “No we don’t want them involved. We know Uncle Seth knows, but we don’t talk about it. I don’t want them near this danger, they’re all we have.”

  She nods in understanding. “Find a way to feel safe. That is key. If you don’t feel safe when knowing there is a possibility of danger then panic will set in. Find a way to feel safe so that you are cautious in the appropriate ways.”

  I nod but don’t ask any more questions. I leave after thanking her for her advice and help but I don’t make another appointment like she advised. I will if I freak out again but for now I’m content to let it ride. I promised Chad all in and I was so far in that I couldn’t get free if I tried.

  We all just wanna be big rockstars

  Live in hilltop houses

  Driving fifteen cars

  The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

  We all stay skinny cuz we just won’t eat

  Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

  Nickleback

  Chapter Sixteen

  Holy shit! I can’t wait to get home baby! GOOD NEWS!!!

  That was the message I got from Chad two hours ago and I had spent it trying to stay busy. I didn’t know what his news was but to see him so animated by using so many exclamation points had me excited.

  Chad and Noah got home at the same time and I try to pretend that I wasn’t freaking out waiting for the news. “Carrie?” I hear Noah as he opens the door. I’m antsy and waiting on the couch, an episode of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ blaring in the background.

  The smile on Noah’s face is something I have seen very rarely in our life. Looking to Chad who was splitting his face in half with such a huge smile I couldn’t help but giggle excitedly. Shamus and Cal walk in behind Chad and I am waiting on impatient tip toes while they all get inside. “Oh for the love Chad, what is it?” I’m almost screeching when Noah and Chad both turn to look at Cal and Shame behind them.

  “We just got asked to open up for Sinners of the Slipstream!” Noah says as if I know what that means. My look of confusion made Chad laugh and he stepped up cupping my face in his hands.

  “Baby Sinners of the Slipstream sing ‘Bad Redemption.” Chad says and I recognize the song and smile.

  “Seriously?” I ask but I’m looking at each of the guys, my gaze landing on my big brother. When Noah nodded I couldn’t help but bounce up and down in pure happiness. Chad pulled me to his chest and Noah came into my side while Shame and Cal wrapped their arms around Chad and I. We are all laughing and all I can keep saying is that ‘I can’t believe it’ over and over again.

  “We leave in two days though sis.” Noah informs me and though I am still happy I can’t help but feel my smile falter a little. Chad senses my stiffness and grips my chin in his palm seeing me and knowing that I fear them leaving.

  “How long?” I ask and try to make myself seem less phased when inside I’m so freaked the fuck out.

  “Eight days, it’s just the Washington tour.” Noah says with a shrug of his shoulders and makes his way to the kitchen and starts taking down shot glasses from the top shelf of what we dubbed the liquor shelf. He pulls down the Skyy Vodka and starts pouring five shots. He wants to celebrate and I understand why, I want to celebrate too. Noah is on a high right now and I can’t be a jerk, he deserves this dammit!

  “Baby what’s got you freaked out?” Chad asks and I know he wants to celebrate with the boys and is holding back because of my obvious lack of excitement.

  I shake my head no and bite my lower lip saying nothing I walk in the kitchen and slap on my smile and shoot the vodka before Noah has a chance to make a toast. “Damn girl!” Cal says and slams his shot back, Shame and Noah laughing and following suit. The doorbell rings right after the shot, “that’s Sassy, I called her and told her to meet me here.” Shamus said with a sneaky smile. “I haven’t told her yet.”

  Chad walks in and watches me close, his earlier excitement now shelved as he eyes me. I wished like hell he would stop staring at me. He knew this was eating me alive, Noah would know too if he was paying attention. I hated this! Hated knowing that the fact they were leaving, for a tour they fucking earned a shot at, was dampened in my eyes because of my fucking insecurities. Well I wasn’t doing this! I wasn’t going to give Chad a reason to blow their dream just because I was scared of what a tour would do to us. My baby was a good-looking man and he knew it. I understood that these women would never have the Chad that I have but it didn’t mean they wouldn’t try their hardest.

  “I would like to make a toast!” I cheer and smile my megawatt smile and I see Chad watch me closely. “To my big brother, my man and my other two favorite boys!” I look at each of them individually, “Chad,” I say as I lean my arm out in reference for him to come to me. “You guys deserve this!” I speak with conviction because they do deserve this. Their music is amazing, vocally Chad is raspy and sexy and beautiful and his ability to sing and play guitar goes beyond the word talent. Chad was born to be a Rockstar, he owned it that well. The rest of the guys and their instruments are perfect and in tune and they come together so well. The lyrics are deep and emotional without being ballads and every song tells a story and together it equals perfection.

  We all cheer together, and I pull Chad to me and kiss him hard, Cassa grabbing Shamus the same way. I put everything in that kiss. My fear, my desire, my love for him, I said it all in that kiss and I kept him close not wanting it to end. He was leaving me in two days and even though it wasn’t for long, this little tour would be enough to get them the recognition they deserved. All they needed was a break, they were that good. This was the break.

  After catching a buzz and laughing in celebration with the guys Noah and Cal decided to make it a party, to spread the word that TAT was hitting the road with Sinners of the Slipstream. I didn’t know if Noah called Candy so I made sure I did. After the party got started I tried my best to avoid Chad knowing that within a few seconds of conversation with me he would see my apprehension and I wasn’t going to risk him walking away from an opportunity of this magnitude because I was scared.

  I stepped outside and called Candy, waiting for her to answer I let my gaze fall on the bay. This was home and my dad couldn’t take from us what was rightfully ours. Noah fought hard for this life, blood, sweat and tears got us here and no way would I let Noah see my fear, not when he was so close to getting what he wanted most out of life.

  I feared our dad knowing I would be staying behind and that terrified me. I had a gun though and my aim was spot on. I wouldn’t hesitate to kill our dad if he came looking for me and that thought only heightened my fear. No way would I let Cody Beckett have my fear. I almost didn’t hear Candy answer because of the rage my thoughts were in.

  “Carrie you there?”

  “Have you heard the big news?” I ask feeling like I’m walking on eggshells my nerves are that rickety right now.

  She sniffed and I could tell she was crying. “Candy what’s the matter Chica?” I feel my heart squeeze when I see her face in my mind’s eye, crying over Noah and I just want to tell her it’s all going to be okay.

  “Yeah it’s just been a ton to process you know?” I did know. I was constantly processing something or other when it came to Chad. I had yet to deal with heartache of this magnitude. The fact that I felt like I would deal with this level of heartache…it was alarming.

  “Have you tried talking to Noah Candy?” I asked trying my best to stop thinking of all the bad shit that could go wrong between Chad and I, and focus on the bad shit that was going on between my big brother and
the sister of my heart.

  “Not since I left him the painting. He texts me but I can’t respond.” She is still sniffling and I hate knowing the strongest woman I know is this shattered inside.

  “What do his texts say?” I sit on the bench and look out over the water thinking about the painting and the PS note she left at the bottom.

  “Uh…shit really. ‘I miss you,’ or ‘please just meet me so we can talk.’ He told me he meant what he said about loving me and that he needed a second chance.” Her voice broke as she described the pleas and I could hear the confusion and desperation in her cry.

  “Have you thought about talking to him?” I ask and I try to be careful and chose my words wisely because I can’t pit myself against either one. I love them both and I hurt for them both.

  “How can you ask me that Carrie?” She wails but keeps going. “You and Chad might just be starting out and things aren’t physical yet but imagine giving all of yourself over to him, having him seduce you with promises and touches before destroying it all after he confessed his love.”

  I realize that I haven’t spoken to Candy other than through text since she left the party after catching Noah. She had no clue how far I had fallen in this relationship with Chad. I had wanted to see her and tell her all of it in person, but the time seemed to be now and over the phone.

  “Well…” I say biting my lip not sure how to say it and decided that blurting it out is best. Why I decide that is beyond me but I do it anyway. “Chad and I have been having sex. A lot of sex. That doesn’t mean that I know where you’re coming from as far as the betrayal but I know what it means to feel the man you love inside of you doing things that you could only ever let him do.”

  “You guys had sex?” She asks me, the shock in her voice wasn’t unnoticed.

  “Yes.”

  “When?”

  I told her about going to the Pier and his confession and my freak-out after we had sex. I then quickly told her about coming home to Noah and seeing the painting and the talk we had. “He told me he loved you that night. He said he knew it was a shit move what he did and he is terrified that you will never talk to him again.”