TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  I didn’t finish because the story had come full circle and there was no point rehashing it. Or so I thought. “Carrie I would never turn you away. I was angry and hurt and seeing you like a dream come to life… it was all too much. The last time we saw one another was the most painful moment in my life. I was still reeling from that fight.” He sighed and rolled to lay on his back no longer facing me. “The minute I was out of your life I buried myself in the tour and the album. Fuck Carrie I barely made it through the first show without screaming a big ‘fuck it’ to the crowed and chasing after you. I felt so fucking low baby. And tonight, I didn’t know where you went. Shame knew and I knew he knew when he showed up on stage late. The minute I saw his face, he looked at me and we both had this silent moment. We did songs back to back and we bailed without an encore. He met me on the bus and we talked. He told me we were fools.”

  I smile remembering getting the same lecture just hours before.

  “The twisted thing is. I knew something was off with you showing up. I could see the strain on your face when you smiled and I could hear the hurt and feel it as my own when I dismissed you so easily. The minute I got off that stage Shame told me you guys talked and I asked if he knew where you were. Baby he told me you were here and I couldn’t get to you fast enough.”

  We lay silently in the bed for long moments again. Taking in what each one of us said when he spoke. “Why did you tell the guys that you gave me to them?”

  I knew he felt my body stiffen as my breakdown to Cal last night filtered through my grief ridden brain. Honesty was the only option I had. I was too tired to try and cover my tracks. There was no point hiding it anyway. Chad could see straight through me and maybe he needed to know why I walked away.

  “Because I did give you away. I gave you to the world Chad. They wanted you as the latest and greatest Rock-star and I had nothing to keep you coming home to me. So I bowed out as gracefully as only I can, which is kicking and screaming and gave you away.”

  “You act like it was your right? I’m not an object to toss around Carrie. You can damn well make me go by being a bitch, but you can’t give me away. I’ve been miserable without you. I have no choice but to deal with it because all those people you gave me too are relying on me to bring my A game and not disappoint. You let me go Carrie, you didn’t give me away. You forced me to leave, remember you told me I lost you.”

  “What could I have offered you to make it worth coming home to me each time after what happened? What could I give you as incentive to ensure your dick stayed tucked away for my use only and that the line was never crossed again? What could I ever do to make it all worthwhile for the both of us? I have dreams of being a writer Chad. I had dreams of being your wife one day but that was before it came with such a heartbreaking cost.”

  He gave me an incredulous look like I spoke was nonsense. “Are you seriously trying to tell me that the pain you’re in now is better than the possibility that we may not make it in the future? We can’t stay away from one another now Carrie! We have been in the same state three times since we broke up and every time there is a look, or a smile and now this. There is always something bringing me back to you, hurting us more along the way because we belong together and not apart!” He was yelling now. “How could anything be worse than this? I’m so fucking miserable now it can’t get worse.”

  “You think it’s been so easy for me to move on don’t you?”

  “You don’t have to put on a show every night and rile a crowd and get a party started while your best friend and your girl aren’t there with you anymore. Me an Noah are strained to baby, don’t forget that. You go home at night and are able to close yourself in and let the pain out. I can’t do that Carrie! I suffer in silence, because I’m stuck on a bus in a different place each night with no privacy!”

  I sat up and rose to my knees facing him in the bed. “You say that seeing me is like a dream come to life? My dreams don’t do you justice Chad. My memory recognizes every nuance of your voice, every silken touch every tickling breath and it plays on repeat all day long. I also get the joy of magazine covers and MTV of course and let’s not forget the radio. The last months have been an experiment in heartache. I am reminded of you a million times a day and that doesn’t include the people we know. My broken heart replays our finest moments on a loop every minute of every day, I could do without the media reminders too. They tend to break me down to damn near nothing. At least I had School and a teacher who makes me want to write and become something. I have been writing my story, our story and it’s hard to relive. I got twisted in my pain trying to find the end and came running to you because I couldn’t stay away anymore. I miss you Chad… so much. I can’t let the end of my story be with us apart.”

  I buried my face in his chest and let my tears flow. I didn’t need Chad to talk to know I had shocked him to his core. I was normally so distant when it came to talking feelings. I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.

  Silence.

  Stillness.

  And then…

  “Carrie… God Carrie tell me what to do here and I’ll do it. I can’t keep spinning in circles like this when you don’t trust me.”

  “That’s the thing Chad. It’s me I’m scared of. If I fall into a life with you… I don’t trust I’ll come out clean. But for the life of me I can’t stay away from you anymore.”

  “Then stop running.”

  God I wanted to. I was so tired and everything I had ever wanted was in the bed next to me, fighting for me. I couldn’t do it though not yet. There were so many unanswered faults on both our sides. I had been miserably alone for the last six months…Chad hadn’t. It wasn’t something I could let go right then. I couldn’t let him go either. I wanted all of him and he needed all of me.

  “Just give me time Chad. Time to be here now to feel comfort and we can talk out our shit and mistakes tomorrow. I need to just be with you and rest tonight.”

  “Rest Carrie girl, because when we wake up, we are hashing this out if it takes a damn month.”

  I slept finally for the first time in months.

  I slept.

  *

  Another six months later…

  The lights went out in the club and the crowd went insane.

  "I've been singing to you guys for years now and you are the best fans a guy like me from Gig harbor could ask for." The fans went crazy of course. "We just ended a journey that blew our minds and before we end with this show, I need all of our hometown hero's... our fans”- they went crazy again- “to do us a favor and let me tell you a story."

  Now the girls were screaming and I had heard this type of play to the audience before and wondered what he had planned. It had been a whirlwind of teary phone calls, amazing phone sex and texts that were both dirty and depressing. But we were here, in a place that brought us both back home.

  I haven’t seen Chad other than a few hours last month when he and the guys came in for my college graduation. I wanted to stop the long distance between us and tell him I was his then, but we both agreed six months, after the tour and after I graduated when we both could commit to one another with no strings.

  The six months was up and I was late to the Hula House for the guys final show in Gig Harbor where it all started. The place was a thunder of chanting fans screaming "tell us, tell us!" Chad smiled and started lifting his hands up and down getting the crowd louder. When they were hitting ten decibels Chad started laughing and spoke over the outrageous crowd.

  He strummed a few strings just playing on the guitar. "So you all know that over the last year I fell in love?" The crowd cheered some, mostly women, booed. I wanted to curl up and die.

  "Oh God Chad please no...." I cried knowing he couldn't hear me.

  He nodded to the crowd so knowingly. "See me and my Carrie girl have this thing, this inside joke. Since our first date when I showed up to get her... Beckett here informed me I was a lost cause because I brought her the wrong flower... so as time goes by I
try figuring out what her flower is. I gave a peony next then on and on."

  Looking at me sitting at the table, he smiled and winked and then there was a guard before me and the crowd was watching intensely. "Mr. Blake would like you to have these Miss Beckett. In his hands was a giant bundle of my favorite flower.

  "For the fans who don't know... I just gave Carrie a bundle of night blooming jasmine... her favorite flower."

  The crowd roared with enthusiasm. I was shocked and humiliated in the best way. I smelled my flowers and smiled.

  "I'm right aint I baby?” He asks but he knows he’s right and I nod now playing along. This was his craziest move of all and I loved him all the more. I placed my flowers on my seat behind me. Chad laughed and bent to me.

  "Give em’ here baby I'll have tiny take them." So hospitable my guy. He handed my flowers off and I smiled at Candy ready for the show to start.

  "It sort of became a thing to see how well I knew my girl. Next it was I didn't know she sang or played guitar." The crowd roared and Chad laughed. "I know it’s sexy as hell too but you aint seeing that tonight." He took a drink calm as could be. "Next was the worst. Trying to be a gentleman I didn't kiss her till I got her to a show to see me shine right?" He asked the audience of our friends at the table who totally agreed. "When you’re in a band... a damn good one... you gotta use it to your advantage." Chad looked at me with his sweet smile... the playful Chad that was mine not his fans. “I did my best and she gave me that sweet kiss." I could see his affected the memory had him and was glad it was dark because I gave a lot of kisses that night. "She was so sweet saying she was dared to kiss me... refused to kiss me until she told me she was dared because she didn't know how to ask."

  He played a few more chords making the crowd wild. The band started following his beat but it sounded more like an intro maybe to a new song? "I told her I would sing anything for her kisses. I'm sure she really kissed me because I serenaded her that night." He started to play the first chords to ‘Saving me’ and they all went nuts and I melted.

  "I remember...what was it I said Beckett?"

  He looks at Noah who is smiling and playing along. "You said her favorite song wasn’t appropriate for our shows so you played one of her other favorites more in our wheelhouse."

  "That's right... that means I still aint figured out her favorite song and she won’t tell me ..." he tapped his chin and the girl went nuts.

  Suddenly the song was changing and I felt the hair on my arms stand up. Oh...I knew this song.

  "See I promised her that I would sing anything for her kisses and she has been keeping those kisses away from me. I have no choice but desperate times call for desperate measures." He looked at me then. "This is proof that I will do anything Carrie."

  And then my jaw dropped when they all started my favorite song by my favorite singer... my guilty tell –no- one- take- it- to- your –grave- alone- time music ... Birthday music.

  Chad Blake was singing ‘Drunk on you’ by my music crush Luke Bryan. My secret was out… I was and will always be a country girl.

  ‘Girl you make my speakers go boom boom

  Dancin’ on the tailgate in the full moon’

  ‘That kind of thing makes a man go Mmm Mmm

  You’re lookin’ so good in what’s left of them blue jeans’

  Drip of honey on the money maker gotta be

  The best buzz I’m ever gonna find.

  Hey I’m a little drunk on you

  And high on summertime.

  They had sped the song up so it played closer to a rockabilly vibe but I was crying my eyes out in glee. I would castrate Noah and then punch Candy in the vagina depending on who gave my secrets out. I was taking my music to the grave. A girl needed her secrets when surrounded by rockstars who despised country. Him singing for me…was true love.

  Once the song ended Chad handed his guitar over to Noah and shouted “Break!” Next his lips were on mine, and though it was a small bar and packed it felt like he sang to me for the world.

  “I love you Carrie, even your horrendous taste in music. I will be made fun of forever for that and I couldn’t be happier if it means you admit your mine?”

  He was on pins and needles and there was just no more waiting. “I have never not been yours Chad. I was yours before you were ever mine, it just took me time to understand that. I love you.”

  “Kiss me.”

  And I did.

  *

  “I love Carrie’s cherries.” Chad moaned the minute we were in his truck heading to an undisclosed location. He had ripped my top up the minute we were alone and started suckling on my ‘cherries’ the minute they were visible. “God I’ve missed you baby.”

  “Me too, but this is just more torture and the fun stuff can come later. For now we need a bed, any bed and hours in it.”

  He groaned but pulled back and started the engine. I was in the passenger seat but he didn’t like it and scooped me around the thigh and tugged me until I was right beside him, my legs split between the gear shift. Next he grabbed his blindfold and that was the drive to the ‘bed’.

  Once we were there he didn’t remove the blindfold but he stayed at my side. “Come to me baby.” He said and I scooted from his truck and down his chest until my feet were planted beside him. Door slammed shut, the beep of the anti theft lock and we were off to wherever he was taking me. “Three steps baby, first one now.”

  I followed and then the two after and we were at a stop. I felt his arms slip around my waist, his chin on my shoulder, breath on my neck he kissed me softly above my pulse point and whispered in my ear, “this is my Emerald city baby.”

  He removed the blindfold and after my eyes adjusted, I smiled. It was the boathouse. He called our ‘love shack’ his Emerald City and I couldn’t agree more. This was home to us.

  When we got inside however there was an even bigger surprise. A queen sized bed with black satin bedding took up the entire place. My Hide-A-Bed was long gone. “I know we can’t live here, but this is and will always be our place. I have made love to you more times in here than anywhere and we made love a lot baby. I love this place and needed to reconnect here.”

  “I love it Chad.” I say and close my eyes to breathe.

  Then he was on me and before I could think he had me on my back on the bed and my shirt was gone. I was still, taking in the feel of him above me, his touch after almost a year of nothing, and waiting for him to see my tribute piece to him.

  I got the tattoo back in December before I went and met him at the Seattle show. I told Noah I wanted a tattoo for Christmas, Noah of course was delighted by any and all things ink. Chad and I had made a point of not making love until we were committed and so though we enjoyed a lot of phone sex, which is glorified masturbation, he hadn’t seen me naked in a long while.

  Chad was kissing along my neck and his hands stroking down my arms when he paused. He saw it and I felt his body melt into me.

  “Is that…” His words were lost as he rolled from on top of me and flicked on the over head light to get a better look. He was stunned speechless, not common for Chad. “Carrie…” He swallowed and looked at me with all the love and honor and peace I think any person could have.

  It was Dorothy.

  “Am I still your Dorothy?”

  Chad crumbled before me and fell to his knees, sobs wracking his body, his face buried against the lowest part of my tummy. “You have always been my Dorothy.” He cried and I of course cry right along with him because seeing him this way, any man this way, is usually reserved for a wedding day or the birth of a child. In our case it was me being his Dorothy.

  “I love you Chad. This is the forever love. I got Dorothy back in December and I was getting her whether I was still yours or not. She is my promise to you that I will always be your home.”

  “Fuck babe. We are meant to be you know that right?” He asks this and stands to remove his shirt and my mouth go’s dry. It has been months since I have seen him
shirtless and let me tell you… my memory sucks bad. Every defined inch of his lean chest is carved to perfection, the ‘V’ at his hips makes me salivate at the sight. What he says next though unravels me completely. “Only something this strong could make me cry like a pussy.”

  I smile but say nothing because it’s his way of admitting his weakness for me. This moment is ours though and I will never tell a soul about his tears.

  “I remembered your promise too baby.” He moves to me and we are naked chest to naked chest and I am so home it’s not funny. “Look at my promise to you. I got it the day you left me.” He shows me his side and there is script there.

  “How blest am I in this discovering thee! To enter in these bonds is to be free; then where my hand is set, my seal shall be. Full nakedness! All joys are due to thee, as souls unbodied, bodies unclothed must be to taste whole joys.”

  Holy fuck!

  “Oh my God!” It’s the remaining of my John Donne poem that was my gift to Chad before I even knew he would be the one receiving it.

  “I’m your promise baby and you’re my home.”

  “I love you!” I say through sobs as my lips and hands seek him out.

  He guides me to the bed with his kiss, our feet tangling in the urgency to be connected in every way. “I need to get inside you baby. I was tested this time, I haven’t touched a woman since Seattle and I will only ever touch you again.” His lips are pulling at my nipples making it hard to think. “tell me I can come inside you baby.”