TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  “Yeah this isn’t where I imagined seeing you again.” He stepped back and let me go. I had to fight the urge to moan in his absence and ask if he thought of seeing me again one day. “I talked to him yesterday morning and he said I needed to come home. I knew by his voice why...” He trailed off his grey eyes full of sorrow. Shame was a master at hiding his emotion too. I had always thought I was blessed because he never hid it from me. I saw the ugliest sides of Shamus when he was sad, he loved and trusted me with those sides of him. He was hiding from me now though and even though I too was hiding, it still broke my heart. “Then he called me last night after he... yeah so I came right after.”

  “Where were you?” I asked trying to keep my voice level and hide the fact that I knew where he was, what Jerry had said...hide the fact I was there for such an intensely personal moment between him and his father. He may not know how close Jer and I were, but he knew I was there when he took his last breath. I was holding one hand and Jerry had his phone in the other, saying goodbye to his son and it felt a million miles away.

  “London. The band was heading to San Francisco today, so we could unwind from the tour and meet with the label before we headed home to decompress. I swear to God Sass, he waited for me to be close-" he paused then afraid to say the truth. “Before he did it. We have our tour starting in Seattle like normal at the beginning of spring, so he knew I would be home for a while.” He rubbed his hands over his closely shaved head before he turned. He was hiding like always more afraid of showing emotion than he was of the emotion himself. Even now his father was dead, and he couldn’t show his pain.

  “Probably. He was smarter than most gave him credit for.” I looked at Shame, my Shame and saw the pain he was fighting to hide. He was so closed off when it came to emotion. If it were just us would he let it out? He had in the past and I couldn’t help but wish that he still trusted me that much. “I don’t know if anyone told you Shame but see I-“ I was cut off by that bitch Brittany that almost got her ass kicked by Candey. Clearly, she wasn’t done annoying people yet. I had dealt with fangirls from when Shamus was just a local act, I had no idea the level of crazy I would be dealing with now.

  “Shamus please tell me these people are not going to be here all night.” Her voice was whiny, and she seemed like a spoiled little girl the way she pouted. Her bottom lip was protruding like a child.

  But that wasn’t as appalling as Shamus’s reaction to her.

  “Oh, that lip.” He whined back and leaned in to kiss her now dramatic pouting bottom lip. I felt my stomach turn at the sight, gagging at the overly cutsie gesture. Some may say it was jealousy, but it was his voice and his action. “Give me a minute Brit.” He said the words against her lips and I wanted to weep.

  My memories of Shame were crowded by whispers of ‘I love you’ or ‘I need you’ all spoken against my lips. I had always thought of it as his trademark when he showed me that slight emotion. It was special even if it seemed mundane. He would whisper against my lips knowing I would tremble. It was ours.

  I guess I was wrong and it was just another piece of Shamus James I didn’t know existed. What a fool I was, he had been with girls before me. I was no different than ‘Brit’.

  I wanted to slap Brit….and yes, I know I am being a catty bitch, but like Carrie always said, “At least I’m woman enough to admit it.”

  Shamus then slapped her ass causing her to scream with laughter that was fitting to the person it came from. She was cheap. Jealous or not I was sticking to that assumption.

  “Dad would have loved her.” Shamus said with a smile as he watched her walk away. I called bullshit. I knew the truth. Jerry couldn’t stand the bimbo’s he brought home. He had never told me in detail, not sober anyway. He usually tried to spare my feelings. Jerry knew how much I still loved and pined for Shamus and Jerry willingly never told me about Shamus and his conquests. But when he was drunk enough he would let the stories spill out. I could taste the bitterness of those memories.

  “Your dad would have hated her.” I said under my breath, but Shamus caught it.

  His eyes drew in like two slits of hate and he looked at me with contempt for the first time in my life. “You would know.” His velvet voice laced with anger and maybe even hurt. In that moment I was certain he knew how close I was to Jerry. “Don’t look so shocked Sass. I knew the minute I showed my face after being gone for the first year. He told me everything.” He tipped a beer that I didn’t even know he had and looked away.

  He had known all along.... it made sense now why he begged Noah and Chad to send me to Jerry in his final hour. He had known. “I wanted to tell you. After you left…” I trailed off when I noticed he wasn’t even looking at me.

  “You knew before I knew that he was dying.” He kept his eyes trained on the bonfire to the left of us, looking anywhere but at me. “You knew his liver was failing and you knew he was dying, he trusted you more than he did me." He was covetous of the relationship between me and Jerry, I felt it as he spoke. Shamus and Jerry never saw eye to eye but after Shamus left I assumed they had made their peace. Here and now, Shamus didn’t seem bothered by the death of his father and angrier that I was.

  "Would it have been so hard to pick up a phone?"

  Was. He. Serious?

  “What was I supposed to do Shamus hmmm?” I asked sarcastically. “Call the fan hotline?” I stepped closer fine to let him have it. “The truth is Shamus, he didn’t want you to know. He said you were busy putting the new album together and that if you left it would put it behind.” I watched his face, it didn’t change but his eyes did, they went from anger and hate to pain and anguish at my words. I felt my anger deflate at his pain. “He talked to you on Monday. You told him you were wrapping up on Tuesday, it’s Thursday Shame. He did what he wanted and tried to avoid hurting you or your falling behind in the process. He knew he was dying soon so he did it on his terms.”

  I hated that he was angry and hurt, but I refused to forget that he chose to leave me. Wanting this little reunion to be over with, I nervously rubbed my hands on my jeans and looked to my friends, my family who would comfort me when this was over with. “I am really proud of you Shame, so was Jerry. More than he ever let you know.” I look at the raging fire because looking at him hurts. “My number is on the fridge. Call me if you need anything. I’ll be by tomorrow to gather some things I left here on the real bad nights.”

  I didn’t wait for a reply, but I set my pace as I walked away from him this time because I refused to run from him. He left me behind and I needed to look like it hadn’t fazed me in the least. I made her way to Carrie and Chad refusing to look at Mikey whose guilty look told me he obviously told Shame I was there. Damn traitorous brother he was.

  It didn't matter. I said my piece, said I was sorry and did it all with my mask in place.

  *

  Shamus

  I felt my chest burning. I didn't want to be a dick to my Sassy but seeing her, like every wet dream over the last two years come to life just pissed me off. I had shattered myself by leaving her behind all because I was young a dumb enough to listen to an old man who was drunk and like usual mad at me.

  She showed up alone tonight and I had brought Brit, or was it Beth? Regardless I brought the fangirl because I wasn't going to face the woman who all others would be compared to alone. I end up looking like a giant douche because she showed up without the hubby.

  I was going to have the last word here, not her. If my last word was a cheap fangirl, then so be it. Payback was a bitch. Cassa had killed me just a few short months after I left she was married to another man. Her bed wasn't even cold by the time she had a new man in it. I don't know why she wanted to be close to my dad, or why her new man wasn't here. Maybe it was her way of slapping me in the face for leaving.

  If I'm honest with myself, then I'm man enough to admit that I am glad he had Cassa and that she had been at his side when his body stopped fighting. But in the end, Cassa still didn't know the hal
f of it. She had been played by the old man just like he was. Maybe it was my dad playing her and not the other way around. He was the one that scared me off taking my girl with me. He was the one fighting me that night before we were supposed to leave.

  She didn't know that I had to leave, had to leave her behind. TAT had no guarantees of success and Sass was in school ready with a year left to graduate. We both had dreams and mine was in Hollywood making TAT a success and hers was always in Gig, happy and free. I had always planned on giving her time before coming home and explaining why I left. I had bought the ring she deserved, it had her name all over it and I bought it the minute we went platinum. Two days later I found out she was married, and that fucking ring went over the golden gate bridge, tossed without thought or concern through the tour bus window. I had a fangirl in my bed every night there after... and she had a husband.

  Fuck her. Fuck the man she replaced me with. Fuck my old man too.

  “Go home to your Husband Sass.” I called after her. Within seconds the entire party went dead quiet and nothing, but the crack and pop of the fire filled the night. Cassa had stopped walking, her back still to me. Chad and Noah both looked like they would kill me if they could get to me, but it was Cal who broke the silence.

  “Fuck, Shame just stop man.” Cal made his way to my side as I watched literally all my friends’ step to Cassa's side.

  Fucking traitors. All of them.

  Deciding for once in my life to be the better man, I turned to walk away when Cassa spoke up. At first, she just stared at me, like she couldn't believe I had just said that to her. Of course, I did. She married another man before I could come back with the proof I could always make her dreams come true.

  I had somehow made her hate me in a span of five minutes. Too bad I didn't give a flying fuck. I might once the pain of seeing her perfect and flawless face again wore off.

  “I’m not married anymore Shame. I divorced Cory and it was finalized seven months ago.” I looked around the fire at all my friends, my brothers and hated each one individually for knowing she was divorced and not telling me. They had chosen to protect Cassa's secret and leave me in the dark. I also saw the disgust at the mention of Corey Knox, and at least that was redeemable. That was before she went right for the jugular and told me why they all hated him so much. Before she shattered all the trust I had in all of them for the secret they kept from me.

  “He slapped me one night when I left the house without permission.” She eyed me while she spoke, my rage at her confession started to create a deafening roar in my ears. “I left because Dr. Baker called me and told me your dad tried to drive himself to the hospital after taking a bad fall and hit his head on the counter. He wrapped his car around a pole on the way.” Her bitchiness as she spoke made my skin crawl. She didn’t even look like Cassa. She cocked her head to the side thoughtfully. “Remember you flew in from Alabama the next day.” Her point made she turned and walked out of the yard.

  Chapter Five

  Shame

  I followed her out the side gate letting it slam behind me, leaving all my friends behind. “What the fuck do you mean he hit you?” My voice was thick with sorrow and fury, a toxic mix from what she just told me. They all knew, all of them. I saw it clear as day on their faces when she dropped the bomb of all psych bombs. The last two years have been torturing while I sat and killed myself every night, falling asleep to the image of her in bed with another man's arms around her. Now I find out that man had put his hands on what was and would always be mine.

  I was going to kill that fucker the minute I found him.

  “Why are you doing any of this? Why tell me that? Why come be best fucking friends with my dad? Did you want to keep me looking like a fool, no clue what was really going on back home? Well good fucking job Mrs. Knox! I feel like a god damned fool.”

  “This isn't about you Shamus and it never was!” Her voice was pitching in anger and it only fueled my own rage. “I did take care of your dad because he needed me Shamus! Cory didn’t. You clearly didn’t but he did.” He watched with uncontrollable sorrow as the tears as they rolled from her eyes. This was all too much. I knew all along they were close, I knew coming home that she would be distraught over his death. Cassa had become a large piece of my dad's life but he never thought she was robbing his father from him. Not until her secrets started spilling out. Dad didn't want to burden me with her drama, I get that I do, but all the guys knew she was being hit. Knew she was divorced. Knew she would be here with him in the end. I'm the one looking dumb for wanting him to go peacefully and not alone. He had never been alone.

  Awesome.

  Once I left home, me and my dad were able to find a little piece, let some of our anger go. It was back now though!

  “I never judged your dad Shame. I knew he was going to drink no matter how much I fought him on it. He knew what Corey was doing to me and he never made me tell him about it. By not judging one another we healed one another. Jerry knew all the secrets of my marriage with Cory. He had stayed by my side when I chose to leave him. It was one of the seldom times he was anywhere near sober. He never said a word and let me make my mistakes. When I left Cory the first time he finally told me how he felt. By the final time I left, and did so for good...” He choked on a sob and turned her back from me. “He told me he was proud of me.”

  Jesus Christ this kept getting worse. I was so fucking confused I couldn't even ask her what the fuck she was talking about. So far if I was gathering the information correctly, then my dad, as well as my friends, knew she was being abused. Also, I think she admitted to it being more than once?

  I needed liquor, a joint and a fucking shrink to figure this shit out.

  *

  Cassa

  Shamus stood silent for what seemed like forever as I tried to gather my composure. Once I had my bearings I knew I needed to talk to him and try to explain everything without giving all my secrets away.

  "Sass I know he was your friend, and I thank you for all you did for him. I didn’t know things got bad there for you." He stepped up to grasp my chin, so I would look at him. "Please don’t cry Sassy. I still can’t bear it."

  "I miss him Shame." My voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. I wanted him so bad right then. He was hurting because I was hurting and that combined with the passion we had shared for so long, I knew he could make me forget it all, even my own name if I let him. But I knew two years ago, without a question or a doubt, that Shamus loved me. He walked away, and I didn't know anything now. I wiped my tears and stepped back knowing that this moment was far too intimate than I could handle. "Sorry I never called." I was sincere in that apology. Seeing him now, knowing he was hiding the pain, I was very sorry I never called and explained the nature, the true nature of Jerry's illness.

  "Well if I was a model son, I would have known." He stepped back from me and I gathered he was following my cue. Shamus and I would never be again.

  He walked me to the door of my car and held it open as I climbed in. "Look I’m throwing a wake on Saturday night at Howie's. The guys from work wanted to have one. You should come and maybe say something."

  Smiling knowing that a bar full of mourning crabbers was going to get messy and Jerry would have loved it. "See you tomorrow."

  Shamus stood outside and watched me drive away. Before the emptiness could set in I forced myself to watch as his Bimbo Brit came out to meet him with a promise to take all his sadness away.

  Chapter Six

  Shamus

  I was covered in sweat with my back against the headboard as Brittany sucked me into her mouth. I am a guy and I am getting head, so I cannot be held accountable for the various noises I make or the fact I am now thrusting into her mouth. Good as it felt, I wasn’t into it as much as I should have been. I looked down to the blond head that bobbed at my dick and felt that old familiar knot in my stomach. I remembered a night forever ago when Jerry was crabbing and the house in Gig was all mine for the four months he
was away. Cassa came over that night after she left work. She stood at my door rubbing her arms for warmth while she waited for me to open the door, rushing into them once I did.

  Kissing up my neck, she was tugging at my jeans to get them off. "I need you..." she had panted before taking me into her mouth. I backed my body against the wall and let her blow me, right there in the front of the door I had barely heard slam shut when the first lick of her mouth encased me . Her hot mouth was heaven next to her pussy. She took my length and thickness like a champ, sucking and licking me the way I liked, the way I taught her. Knowing that she had never tasted a dick, never had one inside of her anywhere made me feel like the rock star I would become. I taught her what I liked, my hand on her head guiding her deeper and faster. My voice telling her to ‘suck me harder’. My dick was her teacher and she was the student and the best head I ever had.

  How many others had she given the gift of her mouth too?

  The memory jolted me back to the present, crushing my chest when I saw the blond head bobbing. I let his mind drift back into the memory, now that I had a better visual I was into the head I was getting now. I wrapped my fingers in Brittany's hair and moaned deep and let my mind go.

  Sass took me deep to the back of her throat, swallowing me letting her legs spread out as she crouched before me. I watched her perfect mouth take me in and out, her sweet tongue danced in a wet slide over the tip as she squeezed a pearl tear from bright red head of my cock. She licked it off and went back down, root to tip. I was close, and she knew it, so she pumped me with her fist in deep fast strokes. She used her other hand to lick her palm before switching hands. She pumped me, and her eyes were on me, a smile spread across her swollen red mouth. I thrust into her and exploded; I swore I would never forget the way my cum looked on her hand. She bent down and licked the stickiness with affection for me, not shy by my taste. I knew right then I could never love another. I pulled her up my body until she was flush against me and I kissed her deep, tasting myself in her mouth. I lifted her, without a word because we were beyond words, and carried my girl, my Sassy to my bed.