by Emjay Soren
He moaned at my retreat and I hated him all over again. I didn’t flinch with Shame. I flinched with everyone and he can just grab me and swoop in with his swagger and know all making me melt. Not flinch.
Doing this with another woman waiting for him at home.
I had become many things since the last time I saw Shamus, I was a victim, a liar and a coward…I wasn’t the other woman though. I was a survivor Dammit! He used the pad of his thumb and brushed it across his bottom lip and looked at me confused. "Why did you stop me Cass?"
I rubbed my hands nervously against my thighs. "You have a girlfriend Shamus. I met her last night remember? She was the dumb one who laughed like a chimp on crack."
Shamus laughed and shook his head no. "You think Britt's my girlfriend?"
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. "Oh, please Shame, I was being respectful. She’s a bed warmer."
"I hate to admit it but yeah. I don’t even know their names. All of them were distractions until I could be back where I belong and that’s here with you."
I needed therapy because somewhere in that fucked up response he had me melting.
"Shamus, that’s not a compliment." I was disgusted by his truth even if touched by it just the same. I made my way to the kitchen, the fun playful moment by the fireplace gone.
I reached for a bottle of wine and a glass from the rack on the counter. His brows were scrunched together, and his perfectly defined jaw was set. "Jesus who are you Cassa? Since when do you drink wine? You fucking hate wine." Shamus came up behind me, his words were harsh, and he took the bottle from my hand. Before he could put the action to better use he stepped back. "Sorry, you probably like wine now." He ran his hands over his head in obvious frustration. "I have no right to tell you what you like or not."
I set the empty wine glass down. "Your right though, I don’t like wine all the time, it's more of occasional thing for me."
Liar.
I hated wine because it was bitter and pretentious sure, but also because it like so many things, was forced on me.
"Then why do you drink it?" He stepped forward and placed his hand on the counter below mine. "I hate seeing this fake image of you. You’re like a mirage, everyone wants to believe so badly, believe that you are fine considering, but honestly I'm not buying it."
"Don’t you see Shamus I don’t know who I am anymore, things feel right for a minute but then I forget to do what I was told, what was drilled into me. I can’t drink beer because I don’t remember what beer I like, I can’t free my fireplace because what if he finds a way to get me, and I can’t sleep with you because you will leave Shamus, and I don’t have it in me to pick myself up off the floor anymore. This is how I function now, it's how I survive." Erratic and panicking I stormed into the living room and pushed my body against the book shelf trying desperately to cover the fire place. I was furious with Shamus, furious with Cory and the fact that Jerry was dead, and everything was changing. “This is safe Shamus! It is order and reliable and it helps me think. I am not Sassy anymore. I am Cassa Rae Knox and I am so fucked up. You can't come back and be you and pushy and all “I know the real you” because it fucks with my head. This is my fate and I bear the cross of my lies and my choices every day like a fucking weight Shame!”
I was screaming and pressing my body against the bookcase. It wasn’t budging, and it was seriously igniting a mixture of rage, shame and fear.
"Cassa stop this!" Shamus tried to pull me from the shelf. I fought him, completely lost in a state of fury. "Cassa stop and look at me." He grabbed my arms and pulled me close. "Cassa I won’t leave I swear I will stay here until you are certain you feel safe."
I stopped pushing on the shelf and turned my anger on him. “Oh, fuck off Shamus. Do you have any idea what this is like for me? You left me here to go fuck around in Hollywood with nothing more than a cloud of exhaust in your wake!” I stepped past him and went to the kitchen rummaging through the cupboards looking for my hidden stash of hard liquor. “Jesus, I mean, I’m so fucking sorry that Jerry died Shame, but do you know what this is like for me seeing you again? I did everything to keep from you ever finding out about any of this. I’m humiliated!” I screamed before pouring a shot of Tequila and slamming it back with a cringe and a curse.
Shamus rubbed his hands over his face with a groan of frustration. “Cassa I am fucking trying here, I am. I am just now learning all the bullshit that not only you but everyone, including my dad, kept from me. I want to help you out and try my best to make it right.” He dropped his arms at his sides in angry defeat. “I feel responsible for this fucking snowball Cassa!”
Everything inside of me came to a screeching halt at his self-deprecating tone. “Get out!” I snapped through clinched teeth. My hands were shaking with the need to smack his face. How dare he take what happened and make it about himself! I had fought and bled and almost died trying to keep this from touching him. Drama of this magnitude could ruin his career, could make his fans hate him if it was played in the wrong light. How dare he take the blame now?
“What?”
“I said get out!” I yelled and watched Shamus and his serene beauty turn to pain at my words.
“I’m staying.” He says with a note of defiance. I know I don’t trust or believe him even though I’m desperate to.
I felt tears burning behind my lids but refused to waste another tear on Shamus James. The wake was tomorrow, and I just needed to get through it and never have to worry about seeing him again.
I felt the humiliation roll in like a storm. I was fucking losing it. I spent every minute of every day covering my tracks and making sure I was secure but all along I was coming apart, slowly unraveling before the man I loved. "Have you forgotten who you are Shamus? You can’t stay; you have concert shows lined up remember?"
"I don’t care."
"You don’t have a choice. Just go. The girl you loved is gone Shame, she bled out on the bedroom floor." I placed my hand over my belly and walked away.
Chapter Ten
Shamus
Fuck! I wanted her to stop me, tell me she needed me as much as I needed her. I knew it was my fault that she was now a survivor of abuse…and me. I had never hated like I hated now. I hated Cory Knox. I hated the secrets my boys kept from me. I hated my dad for the bs he fed me over the years. Fuck, even a part of me hated Cassa.
Still driving Mike and Roni’s Durango I drove over the I90 bridge into Seattle. I was a creature of habit. In moments of stress I went to music and right now my aggression was like a dog with a bone. When my mom passed, I couldn’t pound my drums. I need the beauty of the guitar and I strummed the old acoustic she bought me second hand.
I pulled the borrowed SUV into the empty lot of the studio we had rented to work on the new album. Chad and Carrie were planning the wedding and Chad had wanted to be close to Carrie and Noelle, as well as Noah wanting the same thing and Candy as well. I had liked the idea of being close to dad and Cal was like usual going with the flow.
I entered the building and smiled at the night clerk at the desk. “Shamus James.” I said and extended my hand. “I’m here to work a little aggression out on my drums.” I smiled my famous smile knowing by the look on the young guys face he knew who I was before I even told him my name. Celebrity had its perks in times of need and it let us all get away with a lot more and more times than not we got our own way easily.
“Sure man.” The kid said and handed me the visitor pass that had a bar code I needed to swipe to get into the studio.
“Take it easy my man.” I said with a wave over my shoulder. I told myself I would chat with the kid on my way out after I had worked the fury off. We had a few mellow songs on this album and Cal and I had been fighting the sweeter side to TAT. Chad and Noah were both in good places right now and happy, they were also the main writers of our music. I loved our work and the songs were great, but I needed mad tonight.
I flipped the card against the pad at the door and waited for th
e green light. Once inside I saw the producer we were working with this round, sitting at the switchboard. “Tate.” I said in acknowledgement to the man who was making this album the biggest yet. He was a badass when it came to laying tracks, and I was glad to see him there tonight.
“Shame, nice surprise man.” He said and stood to shake my hand. “I didn’t expect any of you here until Monday.” He was smiling but it was the smile I had been getting from everyone lately, the sad smile, the ‘ sorry about your dad’ smile.
“I need to beat some drums tonight, figured I would warm up and see what I came up with for the guys.”
The look went from sympathy to greed in a nana-second. “Sure, take your time and let me know if we need to record anything.”
I nodded and opened the door to the sound proof room, feeling at ease when I saw my drums sitting pretty and waiting for me. I had used Yamaha for years, but the first check I had I went out and got the all-white PEARL drums that were a close second on my list of things I loved. Cassa was and would always be the first.
I tore my shirt off and grabbed my sticks from my back pocket. I pulled my iPhone out and started scrolling through my music looking for the right song. Next were my skull candy ear plugs and I took my seat. This moment before the first hit came, the release of it, was as close to religion I would ever experience. It was like coming home every time. I loved playing, it was as crucial as eating, breathing and fucking. I loved unleashing it all on stage, loved letting it all go and giving it to my fans. I loved being at my boys’ backs, on my own pedestal looking out over the crowd who cheer and scream for another song. If they only knew what it did to me to see them out there every fucking time.
Tonight, was about me playing for myself. I needed the peace that came from being in here alone and letting it out. The rage, the fear all of it would release if it killed me. I needed my composure to handle it all, to let it all go. My dad and his dying were all I could take, or so I thought. Cassa was pregnant with my baby, getting beat daily, almost murdered and every mother fucker I know kept it from me.
The anger hit, my blood pumping and my pulse in my ears I found the song to start my set for warming up. I only warmed up with fast tracks that were hard hitting. If I didn’t know the song, I sure as fuck did fast.
I started hard and fast the way I liked it. Playing along with my music in my ears. Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus was a fitting song for the anger pushing through me. I followed along, playing my set along with the music in my ears knowing the words and knowing why I chose it. Every symbol, every kick to the drum, I felt the hits myself, I saw her lying face down, saw her after she had finally had enough.
By the end of the song, I wasn’t even close to done and let the next song on my playlist start me off…and oh fuckin yeah, there it was. The sweet spot was always when I felt the song in my blood, felt my arms moving at their own volition without my brain guiding them. It had become second nature to play and follow the beat.
Nickelbacks, Never Again started and I followed every note to a ‘T’. I listened to the words as it played, not such a fast song but the drums in the song had me busy and able to follow. By the third song I was in my zone. Blue October was up next, a newer song called ‘Bleed out’ and I needed the slow to fast. I needed to feel myself bleed out, so I could get through this. Once the song picked up, I followed the beat singing along thinking of her dying. Seeing my father going into the light to find my mom. I saw her face tonight as she handed me that letter. I felt the concrete of her balcony on my knees as I dropped at her feet holding her close. I saw her face as I walked out the door, telling me she was gone.
It was being in my dad's house today at first with Cassa. I had loved watching her fight the draw to me, I thought it was cute that I still drew her in, but I saw the fear come into her eyes so fast and knew even if I didn’t want to admit it, I knew there was more to the story.
I relived the moment when everyone showed up and all the secrets unfolded before me like a God damned joke. Seeing the look in my friends, my family, all I had left- looking at me with sympathy and guilt. All the lies, all the secrets shattering everything in me. I was overwhelmed with anger and pain from it all, and oddly enough, a little pride. Pride that while I was busy pinning for her, wishing like hell I could take my leaving back, they had been there all along trying to help her.
Like it had never left the rage was back and I ripped the earphones from my ears and let them fall. I was on my own now and whatever tune I was hearing was working because I saw Tate lean over and flip the ‘recording’ light that stopped anyone from entering the room while I played. Good I wanted to be alone.
I don’t know how long I was in there, how long I went playing songs that had no words, no rhythm. I was drenched in sweat from the exertion but couldn’t stop. All the pain, it came out then and there and I would go until I had nothing left. My eyes were closed, there was no smile on my face. I was lost in the work and paying no attention as the room filled with the rest of my band.
By the time I stopped and opened my eyes, the rage was back and with a vengeance when I saw Chad, Cal and Noah all standing stoic with their arms folded over their chests. They could have been there hours or minutes.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t care.
I wanted them the fuck out of here.
My eyes fell to Noah, Noah who had tatted my girl, had listened to her story and watched her try to heal. I saw then and there in Noah’s eyes; the fear of what they had done to me, what they had hidden. I saw the regret and the apology.
What I saw that mattered the most, was they were all there and ready to accept whatever fate I gave them I just wished like hell I knew what it was.
*
“What?” I asked breathless as the tremors start. I must have been going at it for a while because my arms were rubber and shaking. I didn’t want to have this talk, I didn’t know if I was ready to look them all in the face and tell them to fuck off. My mom's lesson with the toothpaste came back. “If you’re here to tell me your sorry or that you had your reasons you can save it. I can't stand the sight of you guys right now and that’s fucking eating me, so do me a favor. Turn and get the fuck out and we will deal with this tomorrow.”
Harsh much? Sure…did I care? Fuck no I didn’t.
“It is tomorrow dumbass.” Cal said and took a seat by the window that separated the recording room from the production room. “We have been all over the damn place for the last seven hours looking for your pissed off ass when Tate called and said you had touched on something amazing and we better head down here.”
I tossed my sticks to the stool behind my drums and reached for a water and a towel. “Well you are all wasting your time because I have nothing to say.”
Noah stepped forward then and just the movement had me ready to pounce. “Back the fuck up Beckett.” I snarled. I didn’t recognize the guy I was then, anger had consumed me and that was that.
“I won't. You wanna hit me have at it dude, but you need to deal and then fucking calm down. Go fuck a groupie or ten and reel it all the fuck in.” Noah was about as straight forward as they could get but he was wading in very crucial waters here.
I stepped forward until we were toe to toe. “Don’t ask me that again dude, you may not like the outcome.”
“Shame you need to hear us out-“
I cut Chad off before he could finish. “I don’t need to hear anymore I fucking assure you I have heard enough. Why the fuck are you guys here anyway?” I dropped the towel to my feet, my eyes never leaving Noah’s even as I spoke with Chad.
“Jesus Shame!” Cal roared shocking me because the guy very rarely lost his cool. He was by far the most even keeled of us all. Only one other time had I seen him this heated and it was Carrie getting the wrath. I remembered going out to talk to her in her car after she stormed out after fighting with Cal. We were just starting out and she had come to the Seattle show looking for Chad. I went out to the car trying to
reason with her over the argument. They had been broken up because of Chad's kind of infidelity. “You act like we did it intentionally with the sole purpose of hurting you.”
“You did it knowing damn well what would happen if I found out and that’s all that matters.” My eyes were on Chad now, then to Noah and I laughed in disbelief of how bad things really were. “You two crossed a line with me. The way you fought over Carrie and keeping her safe, the fucking beasts that beat down a single woman's door and you both knew the fucking beast beating on my girl. You didn’t stop and think for one split fucking second that I had the right to know?”
“You didn’t have the right.” Chad said stepping to Noah’s side, fucking brothers in defiance the two of them.
I scoff and roll my eyes like a petulant teenage girl. “I love her and always have. Fuck you I had every right!”
“Then why leave?” Cal asked, and I swear to God he stood by them leaving me on my side alone.
I threw my arms up in frustration and turned my back to walk back to my drums. “None of your business. That shit is my cross to bear.” I wasn’t about to go down in those flames tonight. The old man made his point, he had me tucking my tail and running away but it was me that stayed away.
“Well Shame will tell me when he’s ready as for now, maybe you guys should give us some time to talk in private.”
I looked up, my stomach, my heart and my nuts all dropping when I heard my girl at the door. Cassa was standing there in all her beauty and pain, Tate behind her obviously being the one who let her in. “Sassy…” I didn’t have words. Fuck I am such a pussy when it comes to this woman, because damn I go from fury to gentle in seconds.
“It’s fine Shame.” She has the saddest smile when she tells me it’s fine and I want nothing more than to take her sadness and carry it all for her.
