by Emjay Soren
“This is it Shame. People don’t get second chances very often. Forgive her for whatever kept you away. Let it go, move on. Adopt thirty fucking kids, bed her sweet ass every night and every time she cries fucking kiss her, promise me that and I swear I’ll let it go.” His voice was stern, his tears gone, he was telling me, he wasn’t asking.
“I fucking swear it man.”
Cal grabbed his beer and chugged it before dropping a one-hundred-dollar bill on the table. “Awesome lets head, I need to go kiss Tayla’s ass before she kills me.”
“Yeah be careful. She looked like she would have slit your nuts clean open if she had a knife handy.”
“Yeah. Trust me bro, it was deserved. I’m kind of a dick to her.”
Cal didn’t know how to be a dick. He was the most positive guy I knew and literally loved the hell out of life. It’s why knowing what happened to Cass, seeing her in the state I had yet to understand, affected him so deeply.
“Wanna talk?” I ask, but I am so uncomfortable, I want to itch my face off. I am a guy who is scared shitless of emotional displays of any kind and I have been in one long fucked up emotional display for four days. I did not want to talk relationships and chicks and the insanity that breeds in their minds, with Cal. Ever. But I would do it and try to not break out in hives.
“Fuck no. I’m Cal Dorian, dude. I don’t need chick advice from the guy who has worse chick problems than me.”
I laugh when deep down I am so fucking relieved.
I yell to Howie that we are leaving, and we make it to the parking lot where we see Drake waiting in the driver's seat of the Lincoln waiting to drive us home.
Home was Cass and I needed home right now, more than I needed anything. My mind felt taken away, my heart broken from the overwhelming shit this trip home brought. My dad was dead now resting in peace I hoped, with my mom's hand in his. Cassa was at home waiting for me, but she was damaged and would always be damaged. I had told myself I would fix her, that I would, and I could bring her back. I couldn’t but I could support her and love her until the day I died.
I knew now that I didn’t want to know these secrets. I didn’t want to know what Cal saw that shattered his perception of the world. I didn’t want the guilt that leaving caused. I didn’t want the knowledge that my best friends sat and held her hand in her darkest hours, that she held my dad's hand in his.
I wanted to cry at the blessing I was graced with in meeting these amazing souls, cry like a little bitch because they loved me so fiercely they bent to the point of breaking to save me. I wanted to kill Cory Knox. I wanted to marry Cassa. Right now, I wanted the life of a crabber and I fucking hated crabbing.
I just wanted Cassa and everything else to just wash away.
Chapter Eighteen
Cassa
I sat on my patio and looked out over the night sky. We lived right out of Factoria but from the top floor you could see Mercer Island and I loved the view. I had never sat on this patio in the time I had lived here by myself longer than a few minutes…and when I did I was always afraid. Tonight, I felt safe and wanted to see what I had missed. I looked at the moon and the surrounding stars. Seattle air was different from the rest of the world. The days were dark and gloomy and pouring rain, but the sky almost always cleared and made room for the moon. I loved that.
I heard a faint knock on the door and I had to slow down before tripping over my own feet. I felt high, safe made me feel high and I couldn’t believe the shell I had been living in. But that was the thing about Shamus; he never let me hide, not from him anyway. There were numerous times that he would infuriate me, or someone would upset me, I could never hide from him because he never let me even try. He always read me like a book and I don’t think the two years apart changed that. He made me see myself, in his light through his eyes and everyone else be damned. He made me feel alive.
I opened the door after looking through the peephole. I was happy not stupid. "Hi." I breathed against his neck having flung myself into his arms.
"Hi," he said back, a smile in his voice. He pulled me in close and breathed in the scent of my honeysuckle shampoo. I wanted to fly knowing he still loved me.
"Come with me, I want to show you something." I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the patio. I stepped out and stood with my back to the railing. "I have been sitting back here since I got home. Alone. I just sat here and thought. No fear, no precautions, just came out to sit on my balcony like a normal person Shame."
"That’s great Sassy." He said but his voice sounded sad. I know it’s not a huge deal to stand on a patio, but I really thought he would understand.
"I know it seems silly, but I haven’t come out here alone ever, someone has always been here with me. It felt good. Candy and Noah left about twenty minutes ago, and I was out there and was… well I wasn’t going back in. I fought the urge to hide and I just…. relaxed Shame." I chewed my lip, realizing maybe I was being a fool all along. There was no boogie man and I needed to stop crying.
"Hey." Shamus said and took my hand in his to pull me close. "This is huge Sass, don’t think it’s not ok?”
I nodded and sighed when he kissed me. His hands fell to my hips and he pulled me in close. I arch into the kiss and felt that familiar wetness builds between my legs. Now it was a simple touch and I was revved up and ready to go. I nuzzled my face into his neck, taking in the scent of Shame and Axe and how the scent had my tummy flip flopping in glee. Wanting and needing more, remembering that he said he, was mine and I could have him anytime I wanted, I bounced on my heels before hopping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist. I nuzzled against his collarbone and bit the sensitive skin, making him moan. He slid his hands over my ass and gripping me tighter against him.
"I want you Shame." I moaned breathlessly into his ear before licking back down to his collar bone. Leaning back, pressing my groin against his, I let what I wanted tumble from my lips unashamed. "Take me inside baby.".
Shame didn’t pause or ask if I was sure. I said take me and oh fuck yes, he was. My high from earlier was growing stronger and I used it as momentum. I unwrapped my legs from his waist long enough to stand and press against his chest until he was flat on the bed. I pulled my jeans down and then my panties before climbing on top of him and started on his belt working frantically to free his cock. There I was busy trying to get to his dick and I forgot about the rest of him that was just as remarkable. He leaned up while I was working on his belt, and tugged his shirt over his head, exposing the perfect inked skin of his chest. My God, he was so pretty I could cry. I suddenly wanted to slow down and savor him. He rocked his hips up against mine and I remembered I was wanton and heated and this was my man for the taking. I pressed him back and went with his fusing our mouths together in a heated and wet kiss. I had lost my mind to the need. My teeth were biting at his lips, my lips sucking on his. I could not get enough of him. My desire had come back with a vengeance and I was suddenly making up for two years of no Shamus right God damned now.
I reached though his boxers when his jeans were undone, but not off and I didn’t care. I pulled his cock free, and straddled his hips lining him up against me. Before I could get him inside me, he jackknifed up, grabbing my hips and stopping me.
"Are you wet? I'll tear you Sass." That question was answered by the hot wet center of my body as I sat myself upon him. With a curse Shame slammed his head back against the pillow, his fists tightening on my hips, he pressed up against me harder, forcing me to accept all of him and I did so greedily.
"I am always ready for your cock." I said shocking myself and probably him. I rested my hands behind me on his knees and started moving.
He reached up to cup my neck in his hand and tried to pull me into his mouth. I shook my head no and pulled at his wrist until I could see his fingers. I brought his hand to my mouth and slipped his thumb in my mouth and started sucking.
I had no excuse for the highly sexual mood I was in and I didn’t care beca
use it felt amazing and I couldn’t have stopped if I tried. The tips were callused, but smooth, each finger long and I licked them all. Shamus hissed as my wet tongue danced over his only prized body part next to his cock. He loved his hands and they made him millions and now those hands were on me, in me and the thought had me moaning his name. I leaned back again and took his hand into mine, and then the other lacing our fingers together. I used his arms as leverage as I rode him. I was already at the peak and desperate to come, but I needed his eyes with me. "Look at me baby." He said through gritted teeth and part of me melted at his words. He needed me to watch him just as bad.
I looked at him as I rocked faster, harder, feeling everything with amazing clarity. The ring I wore on my middle finger pinching as he squeezed my fingers, his belt buckle and zipper scraping my flesh as I slid too and froe, but most of all I felt him, his cock deep and desperate to erupt. "Together Sass, come with me."
I untangled my fingers from him and gripped his shoulders, pulling him to me so I could latch my mouth to his. He held me tight with one hand and used his other to brace himself against the bed, so he could meet my thrusts while I rode him.
"Now, Shame! I'm coming now." I cried out, but I knew he felt me come apart. He was right there with me, thrusting from beneath, letting go at the same time.
I stayed on top of Shamus trying to catch my breath. It had been fast and raw, and it still made me feel safe and cherished. I giggled at the sight of us. I was still in my shirt and bra but naked from the hips down. Shame was the opposite, lying beneath me without his shirt and his jeans undone enough to satisfy my craving for him inside of me. I rolled from his body on to my back, my giggles turning to laughter. "That was unbelievable." I said breathlessly once I had my composure.
"You’re unbelievable." Shamus was looking at me with sadness and love. I thought the sex would have eased his mind, I knew he was hurting and I wanted to hide the pain for a while. I knew better than anyone that I couldn’t take it away, but I could help him forget. Whatever was on his mind had him shaking.
“What is it baby?” I ask, tracing my finger along his brow bone.
"Sass I have to tell you something."
I rolled to my side when I heard the serious tone his voice took on. "What’s up?" I couldn’t hide the fear of just hearing him speak those words. Nothing good would ever come from ‘I have to tell you something.’
"I leave tomorrow for New York. Drew and Tayla set the PR tour up and with my dad passing they had to rearrange some of the schedule. I will be home on and off for the next thirteen weeks.” Like a Band-Aid was the motto of my life so I should have appreciated him getting to the point. I didn’t. This sucked ass, plain and simple.
"Tomorrow..." My voice cracked then trailed off. He was leaving and there hadn’t been enough time. I slid my body closer and curled into him, tears stinging my eyes.
"I'll make this up to you Sass I swear. The next three months and the last two years, I will make it up to you." He rolled to face me before pulling me to him and kissing the tip of my nose. My tears were falling on his chest and I wanted to be strong right now. I wanted to be Carrie and Candy and tell him I would miss him but be waiting. I was selfish, and I knew it. I just got him back and I wasn’t ready to send him off to fangirls again.
"What time?”
"We leave at nine tomorrow night."
I sat up on my knees and looked at him. "Can’t you just ask for another week, a few days maybe? I just need a little more time Shame." I brought my hands to my mouth as my tears fell aware I was begging on my knees. Begging was something I swore I would never do, but this was Shame and there were no limits with him. I wanted to be strong and understanding, this was his job and....I had no answers, job or not I couldn’t stand him leaving again.
Shamus reached for my hand and pulled me to him. "Please baby, I can’t do this Sass, please don’t cry."
"I can’t not Shame." I said matter of fact, because the truth was I couldn’t stop. My heart was breaking, and it was far worse than when he left me before. Before I could lie and say he did it because it wasn’t meant to be, but now? That logic was long gone and there were no lies, for comfort this time around. Rationally, I knew he had a career, but I was jealous and sad because I had just gotten him back and the world was taking him again.
Shamus rolled me onto my back and slid between my legs, comforting me the only way he could. He kissed me deeply and wiped my tears with his thumbs before sliding into me. Each thrust he kissed me and wiped my tears as I clawed at his back trying to keep him close. I looked at him above me, driving into me. "Please don’t go baby." I cried. He didn’t stop, he just kissed me deeper my heartache obvious.
"Your mine Sassy and that will never change." He spoke against my lips crushing me; driving home more proof of things I’ll miss once again.
I wanted to believe him, but the last time he left, he left one hell of a wake. There was no way I would hang on to him and cherish him like I did before. Maybe I had been too quick to forgive him. Maybe, my missing Jerry, and his return had made things easier, but this bullshit of trying to soften the blow by another long agonizing love session only made me hurt more.
He slowed his thrusts, till they were gentle and slow, and I knew he was seeing me separate myself like oil and vinegar. I would take this for what it is and use the moment to memorize every inch of his body, the feel of him inside of me, the way my tears taste bitter when I think of him leaving again. He was all I wanted, and I needed to remember him like this right now, above me.
I held him tighter, my heels digging into his back. "You're mine too.” I whispered against his neck, wishing I could take it all back, knowing when he was gone that the memory of him now would annihilate me.
It was that confession, that moment of doubt that changed everything.
Chapter Nineteen
Cassa
“Hey babe.” I say and look at Shamus on the Skype screen. We video chat every night he is away. He is sitting in a chair in his hotel room in Dallas. They did a radio giveaway that morning and were heading to Washington the following morning. It was always hardest to video chat right before he was home because it left me longing for him even more.
I would never let him know that though. Since he left the first time, and every time thereafter I would prep myself for his never returning. I think he always had an idea of where my mind was, but he never said anything. I think he had the same internal struggle as I did only he was staying quiet and proving he was always coming back.
I knew this wasn’t rational or healthy for either of us. Where he was silently pleading for my forgiveness, I was pleading for his. I knew one day we would have to come clean with all our secrets. I needed to know why he left, what pushed him to it. He needed to know how ugly my marriage had been. It was why I didn’t push for answers because I knew the minute I did, he would push me for mine.
So, every second we spent together was plagued by secrets above our heads like an ax ready to fall and sever everything in its path. It made it hard to reconnect with gloom like that hanging around.
“So how was the interview?” I ask. I’m in my bed in a tank top and leggings while I paint my nails.
“Same as all the others, just more fodder to pump the new album.” I look up to see his brows drawn as he looks at the screen. “What you doing babe?”
I lift one of the ten bottles of polish and show him. “Carrie put me on pink polish duty. I am finding the perfect shade of pink that will go with all the dresses so I’m painting each toe a different color.” I shrug and lift my foot toward the screen to show him my work. Doing this puts me in a position that would make any yoga instructor proud. An erotic groan from Shame makes me blush and drops my foot.
I feel foolish because I have no makeup on, I’m in my lounge clothes and my hair knotted in a messy bun on top of my head. I am not the picture of class or the girlfriend he usually finds sexy. “God babe remember that position for tomorrow night. I could d
efinitely get down with that only you naked.” He winks and bites his lip and I groan. Unlike me, he always looks like a fuckin’ model for sexy drummers everywhere. There he sits at a desk in a basic white t shirt and he has me aching for him. It's not fair.
“Behave Shame.” I say and drop my leg back down and resume my polish duties.
“Never.” He replies and leans closer to the screen. “Save them pretty pink toes until I’m home tomorrow. You can show me the colors and I can maybe try to help you pick.”
This was so like Shame. He had always been so sweet with things like this. The man had spent hours shopping with me, always willing to give his opinion. I knew he could care less about shopping, nail polish, hair techniques, but Shame had always paid attention to anything I had asked. My attitude lately, however was to snap at him for his kindness. I felt like shit every time I was bitchy to him but couldn’t stop. I was in this crazy defense mode and I couldn’t control it. Tonight, was no different.
“Stick to drumming Shame. This isn’t in your pay grade.”
I could see the hurt and the confusion in his eyes, but per his usual with anything emotional he hid it with an eye roll and a sigh.
We had also been in this cycle since the night he left. I spent the entire time he was away preparing myself for his ditching me again and every day I was wrong. It would make me so mad at myself for not trusting him that my attitude couldn’t be hidden. Then every little thing he said I took offense to because I was reflecting my self-conscious BS onto him. Then when the guilt hit, so did the anger. I justified the guilt reminding myself that he left me with no explanation and no word and I had no choice but to prepare myself for his dropping me again. Then I would calm down before bed and promise myself that tomorrow I would ask him why he left… and then I would remember that my questions would lead to his.
