by Emjay Soren
“Yeah, this involves everyone.”
When it was just TAT at the table and Howie and his employees cleaning up after the night I decided it was time to talk to my band and let them know where my head was. I had talked to Noah, I knew I wasn’t leaving them.
I couldn’t.
“So, what’s up?” Cal asks, dropping the guitar pick. You could feel the excitement coming off him. He probably hadn’t slept since I said I was leaving the band. He was like an adolescent in so many ways when the band was concerned. Success was a drug to him. Even with what he had said earlier, I still think Cal would have driven us just as hard. We all sacrificed to be where we are today, even Cal.
“Me and TAT are one and you guys are TAT. I can’t imagine my life being anything different than it is. The one thing that had been missing is with me now. There isn’t a point in lying and saying that this shit didn’t kill me. As betrayals go, you guys owned it, but I understand why you did.”
I’m not an emotional guy, but as far as heartfelt speeches go I feel like I nailed it. Noah cleared his throat and nodded. “It was never about betrayal so much as protecting the things that mattered. We had to protect TAT, we had to protect Cass.”
I cup my hands over my face and groan because I don’t want to hash this shit out with Noah again. Chad, Cal, even Tay, I’m good to go the rounds, but Noah was hard to argue with, especially with fucked up shit like this. He knew the dark, he was its best fucking friend. “I know.”
“You don’t though…” Noah said and sighed. “Maybe that’s what we fucked up all along. She was destroyed Shame, that fucker destroyed her. You destroy something there is no coming back, it’s ruined. Broken shit can be fixed and the only solace we could give her was a promise to keep it as quiet as we could.”
“What was it…” I stopped before the question could come out of my mouth, knowing if I asked it and got the answer I would never be able to take it back… I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to know the answer.
Noah drilled his stare into me like blades of ice I felt in my chest. “Do not ask it, don’t even think about it Shame. She sure as fuck can’t un-live that nightmare and we can’t un-know what we know. Be glad we bear the burden of it for you.”
Whatever she went through was something Noah took into himself, into his and Carries past. He could feel whatever Cass had been through like his own scars. “You’re the one whose ‘strong as fuck’ Noah.” I used his catch phrase he was known for but kept going. “You know, that right? The way you take this shit in and still survive?” I had no clue where this deep, meaningful shit was coming from because it wasn’t my style, but it was like fucking emotional word vomit I couldn’t control. “I know damn well, none of us have what it takes to live in a world like that and I don’t think we could deal.”
“You would. You learn to adapt to the bad and grab your happiness where you can and let it ride. You don’t…” He shrugged and stood. “You don’t, and you fade away and die bro.” I knew how close to that edge Noah danced and feared he was on that edge right now. He never took that fated step, but he walked it I knew. I knew because he didn’t stay, like usual when Noah touched on something too cold and too deep for any one word to explain, he bailed. Noah just walked out of Howie's off to his own peace…. Candy.
We all let him go… nobody knew what to say or do when Noah went black, not dark but black, so we let him go knowing Noah knew how to handle the black. Darkness of his magnitude would kill the rest of us and I believed it. It took a certain kind of soul to live through it. Knowing that shit touched my girl made it hard to breathe. No, it was a soul meant to carry a burden. Some couldn’t, and I knew I was one of them.
“I’m gonna go love my girls.” Chad said and stood, pulling me in for a man hug that was both welcome and uncomfortable. “Sorry about your dad. Jerry rocked Shame, but at least in his death, it got you and Cassa talkin’ again and Jerry would have liked that.”
Yeah, he would have.
I gave him my, thanks for coming speech, I had given a thousand times already today, but at least I meant it this time. My boys were there at my back in case I needed them and that meant the world.
“I don’t know the whole story, just bits and pieces from over the last year, but I’m glad Cassa has you now Shame.” Tayla hugged me close and kissed my cheek, causing Cal to grind his teeth.
“Okay, fuck it, it’s just us here what the fuck is up with you two? And if you say nothing I’ll spit nails because I’m done with the secrets lately.” Maybe it was because of the secrets lately, maybe it was because my emotions were on overdrive for a testosterone driven dude, but just the same they were freaking me the fuck out.
“Nothing.” Tayla said and the tone of her voice made my nuts cringe in fear. Whatever Cal did was bad. “Well, we fucked a few months back… and then again last night for good measure.”
Oh shit.
That was my first thought, then I caught on the tone of her voice and the pissed off look she had and my next was run Cal run.
What did he do, the fucker tempted fate and rolled his eyes? Tayla was the coolest strongest chick I know besides my girl and I wanted to comfort her the minute I saw the hurt roll in. She hid it quick, miss independent, but I saw it and decided then and there Cal was an asshole. I hated when chicks cried.
I didn’t know what to say so I did the guy thing and took a shot pretending like fuck I never asked. Tay said nothing when she turned and walked out, her Smartphone in her hand like usual. I wondered if she was on Facebook updating her status to ‘pissed the fuck off’.
“Dude.” I say when she is safely outside. Cal rolls his eyes and groans.
“She’s hot.”
“Dude, it’s Tay.”
“Dude, I know.” He says and wiggles his brows like a complete douche.
I just shake my head and decide my work with the band was done and I was wasting precious time with Sassy. I took the remaining shot glasses and an empty bottle of beer up to Howie thanking him again for the place. “Catcha tomorrow douche.” I yell to Cal over my shoulder and shrug on my jacket anxious to get to my girl.
“What were you gonna ask Noah earlier?” Cal asked, a rare moment for him to show his concern for anything non-TAT related. He wasn’t heartless, the opposite really. He was just a lover of life and smiled his way through the ugly shit in the world. His words from earlier had shocked me just as his seriousness now.
It took a minute to answer, not sure if I dared ask the question. I knew I needed to know though, and I didn’t know if Cass would ever be able to tell me it all. “How bad it really was.”
Cal kept his head down, his eyes on the empty mug in his hand as he tilted it on its edges in circles against the table top. “It was awful man.”
I didn’t move. I knew I was about to step into a nightmare and I couldn’t fucking move. “Define awful Cal.”
He let the mug go just to start chipping at the wood on the table his eyes never seeking mine out telling me what I was about to hear was bad. “I had come home for a family reunion remember that? It was just after we signed, and Noah made this big deal about coming home too, saying he missed Candy and Carrie?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Chad was on a plane the next day when Noah called him and told him what happened. We all knew that Cory had put his hands on her before, but we knew they were married and she was beyond listening to any of us saying we were wrong that Cory would never touch her. We knew telling you would wreck you…” He looked at me then, his eyes rimmed red from unshed tears, the crack in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Man, I couldn’t take it when I saw her Shame. I walked in and if I didn’t know better I never would have believed that it was Cassa in that bed.” He shook his head as if trying to shake the memory. The thought of what he saw made my skin crawl.
“She was beaten within an inch of her life, fucking unrecognizable. And then the hatchet job he did on top of the beating, knowing the pain she must have be
en in. It was too much man. I left, told her I was there if she needed me, but I couldn’t take seeing her like that. I know I don’t spout love and family when it comes to us and that it seems all I care about is the band. But I care man.” His eyes drilled into me and I felt my own eyes moisten at his words. “I hated knowing what she went through, I hated that I couldn’t look at her because of how bad it hurt me.” He told me, slapped his chest, and used the back of his hand to wipe his face.
“I'm a man and men don’t do that shit to another man unless they touch your female, let alone fucking a chick up like that... What he did to her…” He was shaking his head no again. “I left, couldn’t handle it. Men are supposed to be strong and able to deal but I couldn’t. I didn’t see her again for a month. I called though, I called her everyday Shame. I bailed and came back to Cali and went on a weeklong bender by myself. I hid out and tried to drink away the image of what he done to someone I care about like blood.”
I couldn’t take it. I went to the table and placed my hand on Cal’s shoulder in comfort knowing he was already low I didn’t want to make it worse by hugging him or some shit. Guys don’t deal with emotion, we brush that shit under the fucking rug and leave it there for years if we can. I could see how bad this was eating Cal. He felt like a letdown. He didn’t see how cool he was. How sometimes running is best. Had he stayed and forced himself in that room to see the evidence of evil, it would have wrecked him, and Cass would have known in return affecting her too. This is what I meant by some of us just aren’t made to bear the weight of this shit on their soul. Calvin Dorian is one of those people. Cal had a loving mom and dad, three brothers a dog and a white picket fence. Dinner was on the table at six each day and bedtime came with ‘I love you’s and ‘sweet dreams’. Noah, me, Chad, Carrie and even Candy… we had it different. Cal had been untouched by the darkness until that day.
My mind went back to when the guys came back from Washington. They all seemed a little sad, but I chalked it up to home sick. Cal though, Cal didn’t seem right for months and I knew why now. I can't imagine bearing the weight of that secret after seeing what he saw. Noah was right, they did bear the weight of her nightmare for me.
“You gotta let it go Cal.” I said the words I knew we all needed to heed.
“No, I gotta get it out man because the fucking guilt eats at me and I want you to hear it from me dude.”
I didn’t know what else he needed, but I would stay if he needed. Howie was still behind the bar, I assume dinking around with shit knowing we were in some deep talk now and wasn’t about to kick us out. I made a mental note to tell Tayla to pay double the price I was paying originally because Howie was good fuckin’ people.
“Noah was there from the crack of dawn until midnight, told the nurses to fuck off that he wasn’t leaving. I don’t know why, but Cass clung to him and it seemed she never wanted him to leave.” I knew it was because he knew it all, the pain, the humiliation of being in that bed. He had seen Carrie there, been there himself. It was in Noah’s nature to try and fix ugly. Noah would never let ugly take one of us. He was the rock in our roll, strong as fuck? Yeah strong as fuckin’ fuck.
“Chad handled all the media shit. He talked to the press and told Tayla every dollar in his account was as good as the paparazzi’s if they kept her name out of it. We all learned everything had a price. Noah threw money, I did… we covered it as best we could, and the shit still leaked. So, we made sure you were free from it. It was a long shot, but we did it and I have never regretted it Shame not even now. Every PR event we went to, Tayla made threats to every talk show host, magazines and TM fucking Z that it was not allowed in the interviews and any discussion or violation would result in a law suit. We waited on pins and needles every time for the bomb to drop.”
He had gathered his strength and was no longer crying, but the anguish over it all was still evident. Howie came by with a pitcher of beer and set it on the table with two chilled mugs. “On the house boys. You need me, I’ll be in the office doing paperwork. You boys stay as long as ya like, I got hours’ worth of accounting to account for.”
We gave the old man, our thanks, and I decided to triple the rate for the rental.
“We all started breathing easier once Carrie and Chad got back together. Cassa had started calling or texting us and letting us all back in again. But the entire thing changed us all. We started making moves to keep her safe. Chad and Noah found Drake right after the attack and after signing him we had a guy from Drakes firm keeping tabs on Cass. We all knew that when the day came that you learned of the attack, we wanted you to know we always had her back. A little too late, but we pay for that every time we see her.”
“Cal, you gotta let the guilt go man. If there is one thing this whole nightmare showed me, it’s that Cassa is strong, fucking strong, and she fights man, like I never thought someone could. Hell, she doesn’t see it, but in the end, she knows she’s loved and taken care of. You did right by her.” I wish like hell I could bear the burden for him. Cal had seen the dark and I don’t think he ever came fully back from it.
“It’s Noah and Chad that made her strong, though Shame.” He looked away then and now curiosity was gonna kick my ass.
“Explain?”
“The day before I left to come back to California and try to forget I went to say goodbye to her and heard Chad and Noah talking to her. Noah was telling her about his and Carrie’s dad and what he went through daily trying to keep Carrie safe.”
Fuck! Noah usually only opened when he was high, and he hadn't been high in a long time. He had told me some stories before, it was almost like sometimes the bad shit is so deafening in his mind, he forces it to release and knows the safest place to do so is with us. If there is one thing the Beckets take seriously, it’s trust and they trusted us.
“I stood there listening to him talk about the shit that sadistic fuck did to him, listened as Chad talked about being with Carrie and seeing her fight it off daily. Noah was begging her to play trust me dude. You know what fucking trust me is?” His voice was trembling again, and I knew, God Dammit I knew what trust me was. Noah had invented a game when he was just a kid and Carrie barely out of the toddler stage. He would create these dream worlds where nothing could hurt him or Carrie but there could be no secrets or lies or the world would shatter. It was remarkable how he saved him and Carrie both with it.
“He was so cool too man, I swear to fuck I want to be Noah when I grow up.”
I laughed at that knowing neither of us could ever be Noah Becket cool.
“He just started spouting some bullshit about zebra striped houses and leopard printed cars.”
I laughed even harder now because Noah knew how to handle Cass well. The girl loved some animal print. “That would do it.” I took a drink from the beer and poured one for Cal.
“Then he told her he would go first and said his secret that week was that he shot up four times, each time after leaving the hospital. At first, I thought he was crazy telling her that and adding to her already fragile mind. But sure, as shit she started crying and begged him to stop. He said he would stop if she would talk to him. So, she started talking. I'll spare you the details, but it involved her on her knees eating from the trash and that’s me putting it nicely. Noah asked Chad to leave at one point because he kept cursing under his breath when she would tell a ‘truth’ as he called it.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, just like that.” Cal laughed, and I realized I had done the same thing as Chad. “I was totally busted by Chad when he came out of the room and saw me standing there listening. He wiped at his eyes fast because the stories had him breaking down. That was when I knew Noah kicked him out for how upset he was getting. I left with Chad and went to the hospital cafeteria to get some grub. Chad told me Noah was an oak. I asked him to explain what he meant, he said that no matter how hard he tried, hearing the shit he and Carrie went through or then when Cass was opening up, he never shed a tear and Chad always did. H
e told me that the bass wasn’t Noah’s calling, but that therapy was. He said if he didn’t know better he would swear Noah was placed in a revolving hell of sadness just to save others… like an angel.”
“Fuck it makes sense.” I couldn’t help but agree with Chad's point of view when it came to Noah.
“Over the last year, Noah covered her scars with tats and he sits there and takes her pain in, lets her talk to him about all the fucked-up shit that turned her inside out and upside down in six fucking months. I had no part bro, in saving her. Noah stepped in and took the fuck over and helped her through the psychological bullshit and Chad handled the secrets covering every track to the point of paranoia. I played music, partied and could barely stomach calling her every day, but I did bro. I called and I talked to her about fucking animal print and polka dots. Every fucking day I swear and I don’t regret it, but fuck…. they saved her man not me.”
That’s what this was about? He didn’t want to be included as a hero. He felt guilty for not doing more, for keeping the secret and not saving her. All I could think was poor fucking Cal. My friend had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he didn’t get that what he did by calling her every day, was showing her she wasn’t alone. “Cal, Cassa saved Cassa. Noah might have got her talking, but Noah could make a monk talk. Chad handled the media frenzy because Chad is the lead singer, the most recognized and sought after. I would have had Chad on it too, if I had known. People are gonna listen to ‘God's gift to women’ and do as he says, because America fucking loves him, and reporters make millions off him. You were her friend Cal. You called every day. You never asked her to tell you what happened, you only asked how she was, how her day was. Man, you’re just as big a hero as they are, and you can't let this shit eat at you.” It sucked saying it, it tasted bitter as vinegar too, but they had my girls back when I had fangirls on their backs and me between their legs. They were fighting to save her, and I was praying to forget her. I owed them all and I would repay it somehow.
