TAT Box Set

by Emjay Soren

  “Like I said, she can wear it to a number of events that the band has and we can find something that is one hundred percent Candy.”

  “Yeah Hun, stop worrying over the dress. I love the dress, but I am certain I can find another I’ll love just as much.” She hugs Carrie and I can hear Carrie sigh and I know she has accepted that the dress is a no go.

  “Just how much are you doing alone?” Tayla asks her later as we all sit down for lunch. They had all just finished ordering our lunch, salads for all because dress fittings are a bitch on the psyche.

  Carrie sighs and sips from her water not looking at any of us. “I guess I'm stressed, but who isn’t? I stress over the money this wedding is costing, over the design. I have this vision in my head, but the vision has a hefty price and so I go a cheaper route and it’s all destroyed.” She looks at us girls and shrugs her shoulders. “I'm starting to think that eloping in Las Vegas would have been a better plan.”

  This breaks my heart. Carrie has always had a vision in her mind and that vision is always clouded by her constantly trying to save money. I know that she and Noah ran with a suitcase each and a fifty-dollar bill between them, but she was forgetting that she was marrying a very rich and a very devoted Chad Blake. Of all the times she tries to stay within her struggling author budget, now isn’t one of them. I have always respected how Carrie’s independence kept her taking care of Carrie. When Noelle was born, she added the baby in the budget and never once relies on Chad for a spending allowance. I know independence is huge to Carrie, I live in the same frame of mind. But this is her wedding and when it’s over her bank account will multiply by six figures. She should have a blow out and make this wedding all she deserves, all they deserve and not worry about the price. “Carrie why are you trying to save money here? I know you prefer to pay your own way and you’re never the splurge type, but this is your wedding Hun.”

  A faint blush covers her cheeks and I seriously see how bad she wants extravagance but is settling for pretty. “Because I never want Chad to see me as frivolous.”

  We all gasp and laugh sarcastically at that. Chad sees her as anything but. What Chad see’s is Carrie and unless you have had love like that it’s impossible to understand what it means. Shamus sees me, and he always has, Cory didn’t and it’s impossible to love again after having loved like that.

  “Carrie that is ridiculous.” Tayla tosses her napkin on the table in what looks like anger. “I know for certain Chad has added you to his account and I know for certain you pitched a fit about it. He then tried putting money in your account, money I suspect you haven’t touched.”

  “I don’t want his money. Everything in Chad’s world these days is the best of everything. I know I can't give him a five-star wedding on my budget, but I feel like shit every time I try to splurge.”

  “So, give me the reins and I’ll spend his money.” Candy said with a wink. Of all the people to hand over control Candy would be the best bet because she knows Carrie inside and out.

  “No.” Carrie says adamantly.

  “Why honey?” Roni asks and gently rubs her arm.

  I knew, and I understood before she even gave her answer. “Because I lose that independence I fought blood and bone for the minute we get married and fall into the ‘what’s mine is yours what’s yours is mine’ thing.” She sighs. “What happened between you and Shame?” She looks at me and effectively has Candy and Roni now staring at me for answers.

  Oh, that little brat.

  I use my fork to move pieces of lettuce around my plate trying to form words. I decide crying is a better option, though because my eyes fill against my protest. I drop my fork and cup my hands over my face, unable to contain my sob.

  Within seconds all four of them are surrounding me as I cry in the middle of Chilies. These women are what I need right now to get through this.

  “Honey don’t cry.” Roni says and strokes my back. Carrie and Candy are talking quietly and all I can hear is Carrie saying she is going to nut him the minute he gets off that plane.

  I drop my hands and look at them. “No, don’t! God, he tried saving us I was the one destroying us, destroying him every chance I got.”

  “What do you mean?” Carrie asks as Candy and Roni right themselves in their seats and Tayla hands me a tissue. I proceed to tell them everything from the night of Jerry’s wake and the mental nose dive I took and how it essentially destroyed any rationality I had.

  “I want to ask him why he left me. I want answers, so I can figure out how to get passed it.” I groan with frustration and lean back from the table, my appetite gone. “I know he wants answers too…” I look at them shyly because I fear even mentioning Cory. It’s like he has this voodoo pull over me as if I mention him and he will be back to finish his hatchet job on me. It’s why I don’t follow up with his parole board for his early release. I am a chicken shit victim who is waiting and ready to run far away the minute he is released. “I know he wants the details of so many fights and beatings and it’s not something I ever want him to know. So, I don’t ask him for answers and it protects me from giving in to his need to know.”

  “Sounds like a very vicious cycle honey.” Tayla says and sips from her sweet tea. “Maybe it's best you both have a tell-all session.”

  I think of her words, let them soak in and know she is right. I am just getting to know Tayla, but I adore her and how sweet she is ‘in a no nonsense, don’t mess with me I’ll eat you alive’ way. Tay was fierce with the people she cared for and lethal in their defense. It was why she had assisted in making the band as successful as they were. Their talent took them there and now keeps them high on the platform. Tay just makes sure they are remembered long after the show ends.

  “You were there through this whole mess Tay… what was he like?” I ask, and I know it isn’t fair, I ask her to tell me what I am too afraid to ask Shamus. I see Roni rolling her eyes and I’m taken back by her blatant rudeness, but before I can ask her what’s wrong Tayla is answering me.

  “I want to go on record right now that the only reason I’m breaking my cardinal rule by talking about them and their personal life is because I know none of you could or would hurt them and sometimes you need a push to get the answers you seek, but also because I may need your exclusive help in figuring something out myself…” She says the last part very quietly and you can see the slightest bit of sadness in her eyes.

  Interesting…

  “I didn’t even know he had left you behind honey. I learned a lot over the first year or so after they were signed because of the extremes the guys were taking to keep you safe and Shamus from learning what had happened. What I do know is that he was miserable from the moment I met him, which was about ten days after the guys showed up in California. I was on the bus the day he demanded we pull the bus over on the damn Gig Harbor bridge no less. He stepped off the bus and all of us watched thinking something had happened to the bus. He went to the edge where the fence is and with cars lined behind us and honking, the bus driver demanding he get back on the bus or he would leave him behind…” She pauses in the story and I see a sheen of tears in her eyes and my stomach drops unsure but afraid of where the story is going.

  “Cal jumped out of the bus and was trying to pull him back in the bus. Chad was on the steps yelling for him to come back and talk to them. Noah stepped down and told Cal to give them a minute. They talked for a few minutes and I don’t know what was said, but Shame dropped his head to Noah’s shoulder and cried, right there on the bridge. The cops showed up and ticketed him, Noah and the driver for the traffic jam and for stopping on the bridge. When we were getting ready to leave, with cops directing us no less, Shame pulled a black rock or something from his pocket and chucked it over the bridge. Cal told me later that evening when he took me to my hotel, that he learned you had married Cory.”

  Oh my God.

  Oh, my fucking god!

  “Oh my God.” I say with barely a whisper. The story didn’t even sound
like Shamus. Shame didn’t make scenes or cry ever. The only times I saw him outright cry was over his mother passing over Jerry passing, and when he learned of our baby and the abuse that ensued after I miscarried. Crying over the fact I had tried moving on? No, it didn’t sound like Shamus because had he cared he would never have left.

  Tayla nods and sips again from her sweet tea. “I learned bits and pieces after that and then you were almost…well you know…and from there out the guys were constantly stressed. Over you and your health, over Shame finding out. I demanded full disclosure when they asked me to help with hiding as much from the public and from Shame. Cal told me what he knew, and I did everything I could in my power to protect Shamus. After that day on the bus, I feared what he would do had he learned about your attack.”

  Jesus, I felt like I was an inch tall. I had no idea that Shamus had pined for me. The way he colored it was that yeah, he missed me, couldn’t get over me but was glad I was back. I had no idea he had been so sad…all the women and the tabloid sex scandal stories. It had gotten to the point I refused to pay attention let alone what to believe.

  “I never knew he missed me. I honestly thought he had chosen that life without me…the pull of being the rock star and all.”

  “Oh, Cassa he more than pined for you.” Carrie says and pushes her plate back after laying her napkin over the top. “Remember when I went to Seattle to get Chad back?”

  I nod remembering Candy and I getting her ready to go get her man. I had sat there dreaming of being strong enough to do the same. I had just moved in with them after leaving Mike and Roni’s constant supervision. I had gone to them after I was released from the hospital because of the lengthy recovery. I was so happy to go to Candy and Cassa when I left my brother’s house. I assumed they would have been easier on me, but they were even worse mother hens than Mike and Ron had been. I had been so annoyed back then, but as time passed, I realized how lucky I was to have so many people who loved me.

  “Well, after Chad and Cal both were such dicks, I went to my car to have a really good cry. Shame came out and sat with me for like twenty minutes. He kept referencing how, if he could have a shot with you again, even though he was mad, he would take it and never look back. He said that Chad loved me the same way he loved you and that meant Chad would come around.” She laughs a little. “God, I felt like such shit too because he kept asking if you were happy and in love. I realized he didn’t know you were divorced and I wanted to tell him the truth because I could see how he was grasping at any small piece of you. I told Chad the following week over the phone that if Shame ever found out the truth we were all dead meat. He said that he wasn’t sure because Shame was such a fangirl whore these days… he figured that Shame had finally given up hope.”

  I was bawling as all of them continued with stories. My heart breaking repeatedly as they filled my mind and my heart with Shames constant longing for me. I was so mad at myself for how I had been treating him since he left for the PR tour, but I was still mad that he was obviously missing me, sad about all we had lost and yet he had to know I was miserable without him. He was obviously affected by learning of my marriage… why not come home and take me back? Why let me go? Why the fuck did he leave me if he loved me so much?

  “Sweetie, we aren’t telling you these things, so you feel bad. This is your girlfriends giving you a come to Jesus talk. He loves you Cassa. I don’t think there is anything he wouldn’t do for you.” Candy placed her hand over mine on the table as she spoke.

  “Then why leave?” I ask, hoping maybe they have the answer. “Why walk away from perfect? Because we were perfect. We had this sync thing that always kept us strong. We were in love!” I cry the words and know that they are at the bottom of everything else. “We were so in love and he left me.”

  I say the last part through my sobs before dropping my head in my hands and letting the pain out in the only safe place I have, and that’s with my girls.

  “We don’t know the answer to that Cass. Therefore, you can't allow yourself and Shame to be over again, without fighting for it.” Carrie says as she pulls me to her shoulder for a hug. I am so glad that we are in a private area of Chilies for this.

  “Fight for him.” Candy says.

  “Let him fight for you too hon.” Says Tayla.

  Roni who had been silent most the lunch finally speaks up. “Can I say something here?”

  We all kind of chuckle because she had been so quiet and thoughtful as everyone gave advice and told stories. When I look at her, though, I see a touch of anger and remember her eye roll before.

  “I am your family Cassa, and I love you like my own blood, so I hope you take what I have to say right now as a show of respect and support.”

  We are all looking at her waiting for her to speak, but I fear whatever she is about to say because Roni looks mad and that anger isn’t at Shamus but at me.

  “Not once after Shamus left, did you go looking for him. You didn’t try to call him, and you certainly could have found him. You let him leave and I’m guessing he left out of fear, fear of what? I have no clue. You didn’t wait for him either and that is good because what he did was shitty and disrespectful. What I don’t get, is if this love was all powerful then why let him go without a fight? Then move on to the first guy that sweeps you off your feet. Shames side of the bed wasn’t even cold yet. You expected all of us to be happy for you and your “marriage” never asking us if we liked Cory let alone giving us a chance to get to know him. You cover a pregnancy that was you and Shames’ baby, tell Cory, it’s his, and ask us all to lie for you. When things went bad with Cory you kept it to yourself and I know you were ashamed, but the more we tried to pull you out the deeper you dug your heels in. Then after he tries to kill you, we are all asked again to lie for you and cover your tracks which we did because what happened was indeed awful and terrifying. But in all of this, all the secrets and all the lies it was never about Shamus being hurt, it was you being humiliated.”

  I am stunned silent. I don’t even know what to say, because through all of this, Roni has been my safe place. She is the one I can turn to and ugly cry, I can tell her the darkest truths and I know she will listen and let me be scared and cry. What I never knew was how angry she was at me for it.

  “Sorry that I have put you out.” I snap at her. I can feel the tears coming and I refuse to let her see me cry. I grab my wallet and drop a twenty on the table and stand to leave.

  Roni grabs my arm and tugs with enough force I lose my footing and fall back to my chair. Tayla, Candy and Carrie all gasp in shock at the change in Roni. “Don’t you dare think of storming out without letting me talk! I have been at your side through all of this and I deserve to be heard.” She says through clenched teeth.

  “Yeah Ron, heard not demeaned.” Carrie says with a tremor of anger in her voice.

  “And you think I’m saying this to hurt her? C’mon Carrie you know I would never hurt Cass, but I won’t let her live in this lie anymore.” Roni looks back at me. “You have been given a second chance here Cass, one that you deserve. You refuse to face what happened. Every appeal Cory makes every parole hearing, all of it. You don’t say a word, you don’t fight you just find new ways to hide it and now with Shamus back and fighting for you, you decide blaming him for everything because he left is what’s fair? It’s not. That man has no clue what the fuck your life is like because you hide and lie to him and everyone else. You need to face what happened Cassa. It is ugly and sad and awful, and I am so sorry it happened, but if you don’t face it you will never find peace. This isn’t Shames fault, it’s not your fault. This is Cory’s fault and he is the one who is getting released from prison now because you couldn’t face him.”

  Shock is a heartbeat at the table right now. Roni just blew all my garbage out for the world to see. Carrie Candy and Tayla are all looking at me with a mixture of fear and hurt.

  “You didn’t fight?” Candy asks, and I know she means Cory. “How could you not fig
ht to keep him locked up Cassa?”

  “I didn’t want to go relive it all just, so he could try and appeal it again. It’s humiliating.” My voice sounds small as I speak, and I can’t look at any of them because of the shame.

  Roni makes a disgusted sound and stands to leave. “I love you Cass, so much, but I can’t watch you hide anymore. You need to face what happened. Mourn the loss of your baby, mourn the loss of ever being able to have a child. Cry and scream at the injustice of what happened. Forgive yourself for being alone and sad and desperate for comfort, that you sought it in the eyes of a psychopath. Forgive Shame for leaving and accept that your life and the views you have of it have indeed changed, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. Face what happened, be honest and find some happiness Cass, because you have nowhere to hide it anymore. What you did to Shame is wrong, just as wrong as his leaving you with no word. You need to come clean if you want to keep him… maybe grow a set of balls and ask him why he left because I can’t take the excuses anymore.”

  She didn’t look at any of us as she left. Her words sinking in with every step she took toward the exit.

  And I fell apart.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Shamus

  I walk in the door of my house in Gig and go straight for the fridge and a cold beer. Everyone agreed to meet up at the Aloha House for some beers and relaxation tonight. I expected more fanfare when we got off the plane, but it was Tayla there to meet us explaining that a wedding emergency was taking place and that the girls would meet up with us all later.

  I didn’t know, and I didn’t ask if Cassa was going to be there. Maybe it’s my ire, but I was done kissing her ass. I don’t know, have no clue what happened to us, but I was also done asking. I had hoped that she would have been there at the airport, tears in her pretty eyes and that all this shit could have been worked out. Instead, I am left questioning what happened to us. Cass had always been the one for me and I never questioned if we would find that groove again, but I started questioning it the minute I started the PR tour.