by Emjay Soren
“What the fuck does he have to do with our band?” I knew it sounded fucked up, the guy was all about helping. However, anyone who knows me, knows I am one thing and that thing is obsessed with TAT. In my opinion he had no place talking band business.
“Noah is part of TAT, and he is here for Noah. That’s why and you know it.” She was speaking in hushed tones, so no one would hear our argument. “We both know this has nothing to do with TAT and everything to do with you forcing me out the door. You see him as a threat and maybe he is, but that’s what happens when you toss me aside. What you see as useless he sees as not.”
I knew she was right. I didn’t admit it, no- instead, I rolled my eyes forcing her to walk away.
All of it combined with why I was here today. I had been sitting in Noah’s drive-way for twenty minutes when he opened the door and looked at me like I was crazy.
I jumped from my Jeep and headed inside. Whatever he chose I would back… I just hoped he chose us.
Carrie was in the kitchen making coffee, but I was cool with Carrie there. They were and would always be Mutt and Jeff, so whatever I told him, he would tell her.
“Come to talk TAT?” He asks, and he barely resembles the Noah I remember. This version of him is disgusting. I try not to judge him and understand but I can’t help but see the tracks on his arms and the tremble of his hands.
I have watched Noah withdrawal before and this is just the beginning.
“Just want to see where your head is. We don’t have a timeframe here Noah, whatever you need we’ll do.” I say casually and walked to Carrie and kiss the top of her head in hello.
I was not even remotely prepared for what his response would be.
“Might as well tell you.” He spoke calmly and sounded like my sane rational friend Noah. “I’m not coming back.” Everything in me stalled to a deafening halt at those four words.
I look at Carrie and see the straight spine and hard eyes and I know she is supporting him but hates the thought. Everything I swore to support flies out the window at his confession.
“What?” I don’t hide the shock in my voice when I turn to look at him, hoping against hope he is playing some twisted joke.
Noah, dressed in a simple grey t-shirt and basketball shorts, nods his head. “I can’t do it Cal.”
He doesn’t look sorry. He doesn’t look unsure or scared. He looks like Noah, sick as fuck, but Noah. I see in his eyes that he has made this decision sober and with a lot of thought.
And still I don’t accept it.
“Like hell, Noah.” I say, just as calm and just as sincere.
“Look. I can’t stay clean and be in the band Cal. I have to choose and right now, I need to go back to my basics.” Noah is the strongest guy I know. I long for the days of pussy parties and freedom. I miss the Aloha house and the small-town super star life we had once. I miss it all and in comparison, to the world we live now, I understand completely.
We live in front of cameras, fans. We have no privacy, no intimacy. We show it all to them and we do it because they love us and the music we make, but they don’t know us. I hate how hard this life is.
Kid Rock said it best: “Looking for the payback, listen for the playback. They say that every man bleeds just like me.”
It is true and the first time I heard that song I wondered why he was bitching. But no, no, not anymore. I look to him and I see his strength and I know he’ll be back to his normal brooding self again, so I concede. “So, what are we talking? Months? Years? What?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Never Cal. I’m opening a shop and living a simple life. I can’t… I can’t be that anymore.”
He sounded the opposite of his words. His words said he was hurting, stressed about it… but he looked like Noah. He was not fucking around. He was done.
“Have you talked to Tayla? What about Hessian Aggression? You can’t just quit Noah. You stand for more than that.” There was no arguing that I was pissed off. I was not letting him throw his life away.
“I stand for more than that?” He asked, staring at me pointedly. Carrie knew exactly what his voice meant, that tone and with it she made her way in the room to stand beside him. Noah wasn’t the type to back down. I knew that but I was mad.
“Yeah. You do. This isn’t just your life Noah. This affects us all, you can’t just bail. We have contracts…” Jesus I was sweating, my pulse rising at the thought.
“What you gonna do Cal? Sue me? Go ahead if it makes it easier, I thought you stood for more than that. I am only surviving now Cal. I am living for me, for Carrie and Noelle…for you guys, but it aint living. Understand that. This isn’t living it’s surviving Cal and I am surviving until I die. I am not about to spend the rest of my life trying to forget her with a needle in my arm. It didn’t work anyway. I need to, for some resemblance of happiness and the only time I can think of it working, was before I knew Candey True and I was sitting in a shop laying ink to skin.”
“You’ll be swarmed Noah. The minute the world finds out, you’ll never get a moments peace.”
He laughs darkly. “You think I have any peace now? I don’t. I have to do me Cal. Get it or don’t. I need to find mindless bitches I can fuck and walk away from. I need to feel the rush of the machine not my guitar. I need to drink beers at Howie’s or Aloha house and I need to be with my family.”
“Do you hear yourself Noah? You sound like you’re given a choice. Fuck mindless bitches? Really?” I can’t help but pace and try to find words that will make him open his eyes. All I had was anger and confusion.
Now- I can look back, even five minutes after I eventually left his place, I was able to look back and see the error in my actions. I was selfish, greedy and completely in a fight I was too dumb to win. All I had was anger and confusion, I stated that to myself, even during this argument… I was a fool and he had no problem showing me that.
He stood, stared me down. He no longer looked like the weak and sick depressed guy. No, I was fooled by the effect the addiction had on him. Fooled because no matter how sad, lonely, angry- no matter, he was still Noah. “Yes. Fuck. Mindless. Bitches. Cal. I want it all back. My life will never be the same Cal. I will never forget life with her, but I can remember life before her. It was the happiest time in my life until her. I will never be there again, but I can go back to how it was before her and know it’s as close as I’ll get.”
“Then you don’t stand for anything.” I said.
“What do you stand for?” He asked me, the calm of his voice enough to make my skin crawl. “You think we don’t know Cal? You think we don’t know what really goes on? We all know you fucked Tay into loving you, to run like a little bitch the minute it became more. We all know that without the cover of TAT you are forced to face your existence was always a bore. You could never do what I did, or Shame or Chad. You can’t because you won’t face it like we did. We as TAT were successful because we used the pain, the anger and the good times to push it. We wrote music that made masses cry and caused orgies I’m sure. We did that because we didn’t hide what was doing in our hearts and heads. You pushed us sure, you had the drive of an army and we wouldn’t have been half as big if it wasn’t for you, but you hide behind it Cal.” He came forward to stand before me.
“What do you fucking stand for?” He roared , demanding I answer for my obvious lack of faith.
Well…shit. With no other option than to come back at him like I stand for so much more than I do, I roar back- “Don’t even think of coming at me like I stand for nothing when the bruises from the tracks on your arm are staring me down.”
“What the fuck do you have to say about it bitch?” Noah asks and comes at me like he has the mental function to win this fight.
“More than you care to hear.” I say and look him in the eyes and slowly gaze at the nasty ass bruises on his arms, the same color as the rings under his eyes.
“Cal-” Carrie says but Noah doesn’t stop and steps in front of her abruptly shu
tting her up.
“Look here Cal, you want to judge me, go for it. I sure as fuck can’t stop you.” He holds his arms out, palm up so the tracks are plain sight vivid. He shrugs his shoulders and cocks his head to the side. “I have never pretended to be anything than this. Using or not, I have never been anything but me. So yeah, fuck you, I stand for truth and I stand for consequence and my fucking life is proof of that.”
What do you say? I mean really…what the fuck do you say?
Okay?
Sure, thing Boss?
Fuck off Jackass?
None of them would do any good. I knew where his anger stemmed from, knew damn well I was a total piece of shit for letting it all go down this way… but here and now, truth was…I had no fucking right to do it how I did.
Nothing to say.
I turned and left, letting the door close behind me with a hiss before the latching sound all doors make when the goodbye is final.
The End
Copyright © 2015 by Emjay Soren writing as Melanie Walker All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing, 2014
Second Printing, 2020
ISBN
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my Beta Readers: Cheryl, Andrea, Jessika, Jennifer and Stacy. You guys are so patient and always there for me even when it’s to tell me something in the story needs to be changed.
Thank you to my bestie for always being the bestie. It’s unconditional with you Mandey, you’re just always there and unwavering.
Thank you to my sister Kimberly Birrell. You are the most loyal person I know Kimmy.
Thank you to my mom and dad for being rock stars and always supportive when I need help the last minute on a deadline.
Above all the people who support me, it is the readers who make this dream a possible life. I am nothing without your loyal support and patience. You guys really are phenomenal.
Dedication
As in all my books I put as much effort into my dedication as I do in my story. The people who are there for me through the process and how they stand out. This last year has been one of the hardest years for me and I was fighting the fact I needed to change my life.
The changes I needed to make were personal and frightening, more so when you are forced to look at yourself with a magnifying glass.
Then I got the coolest gift. I met my friend Sean. From the instant we met he has been such a bright and positive influence on my life. Seany, this is your dedication.
Sean Christman you are my silver lining and you never let me fall too far. It seems that in your eyes I can’t get in my head too far before you come in and pull me out. I'm so blessed to call you my friend. Thank you for releasing me from the things that hold me back. I'll never find words to say how much your friendship means to me, but I'll never turn my back on you. Thank you for bringing out my best Tiger!
Release Me
Book four TAT: A ROCKER ROMANCE
Book 4
By
Melanie Walker
Release Me Song List
Sirens: Pearl Jam
Say It: Blue October
Red: Emme Cheayanne Calera
Just A Dream: Nelly
Say Goodbye: Theory of a Deadman
Alone: Alice in Chains
Yellow Flicker Beat: Lorde
Mr. Wrong: Mary J Blige Feat. Drake
This is how we do: Katy Perry
Simple Man: Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wish You Were Here: Pink Floyd
Make it Rain: Ed Sheeran
Wicked Games: The Weekend
Moon Baby: Godsmack
Coming Undone: Korn
Broken: Evanessence
The Next Contestant: Nickleback
Them Bones: Alice In Chains
Free Bird: Lynard Skynyrd
Who’ll Stop The Rain: Creedence Clearwater Revival
Crazy: Royal Bliss
Desire: Meg Myers
Bother: Stone Sour
Behind Blue Eyes: Limp Bizkit
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can.
Prologue
Cal Dorian
I am lying in bed; thinking about all my mess up’s where Tayla Livingston is concerned when a phone call from my mother changed my life. To call it a shift in my general everyday life was an understatement. My world would implode.
Now, it is possible that anyone hearing me say that would think I was a dick and unworthy of the news my mom delivered, but those who know me, know that I am terrified by change. Change of massive proportions, well, picture me freaking the fuck out.
“Hey mom.” I say and continue scrolling through channels looking for anything worthy of my attention.
“Calvin Thomas Dorian.” She pauses after uttering my full name in a tone reserved for that specific ass ripping only your mother can give. Any man out there will confirm the fear that we all feel in that instant.
I sit up and click the TV off, knowing full well if I don’t give her my undivided attention just as I was raised to do I will only make it harder on myself. “What’s up mommy?” I say in my most obedient tone, adding mommy in hopes I soften her.
It didn’t though.
“Do not try and sweeten me up son. I have one question to ask you and I am not accepting an I don’t know, I don’t remember, or it’s not possible answer.”
Oh fuck.
“Ok mom. Whatever it is I can guarantee I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“Oh, I know you didn’t.” She says with laughter that isn’t even close to funny. She is livid and completely floored by whatever it is I have done. My mind is racing a mile a minute thinking of every headline I have read about us lately and it is mainly news about what we have planned for the next album.
“What is it mom?” I ask and the concern in my voice is genuine. This little woman that I consider a saint is the most amazing important person in my life. I never want her upset and it is worsened because I have done something to upset her.
“Honey...” She says on a sigh and I picture her shaking her head. “Honey Jenny Pope just stopped by and I think it’s best you just come see me sweetie.”
“I’ll be there soon.” I say and don’t hesitate. I hop out of bed and throw on a shirt and some flip flops grabbing my keys and wallet and head out.
Now had I known what I was about to walk in on and the change my life had already taken I know I would have ran to gather my thoughts and not handle this the way I did initially. I say this because, I know I will be hated, but I also say it so that it is understood how I came back around to see the truth.
I get to my folk’s place about fifteen minutes from hanging up with my mom. I am terrified of what Jenny Pope might have said to my mom to get her worked up and spitfire mad. I’ve dealt with crazy fangirls in the past trying to get through security or a few would camp out at my house or bother the girls and Tay trying to get at me or one of the guys. My impression of this situation is that Jenny Pope has chosen my family to get to me and God only knows what she has started.
As I open the door to my childhood home I am not even remotely prepared for what I hear inside. “Come here sweet Axe. Come see your grandma.”
My mother’s sweet voice said those words and my entire world shifted. Grandma? Oh, hell fucking no. “Mom?” I yell and follow her voice to the kitchen where a small little boy about Noelle’s size is trying to stand on his own.
My stomach is sitting at my feet as I watch this little guy try to stand, an unsure smile on his face and a glint of determination in his eyes, eyes that are no doubt a spitting image of mine. “What the fuck?” I say on a whisper and I
am going to puke.
“Watch your mouth!” My dad barks from the corner of the room. He too shares the same eyes. We call them the Dorians as my gramps had em too. Dorians are a deep brown almost black with crazy long ass lashes that look like fucking spider’s legs. This little guy has Dorians, and my dad is looking at me and I know he is thinking the same thing I am. I have a son.
Chapter One
Cal
“Where the hell is Jenny?” I ask once my mom gets Axe, no shit that’s his name, settled in my old room for a nap.
“She got here son and was gone after her five-minute explanation.” My mom says, and I can see how this has completely emotionally drained her.
“And what was her explanation?” I ask and rub trembling hands over my face. I am angry, sad and freaked out.
My mom sighs and looks at me with sad eyes that are filling with tears. “She said that her lawyers will be in touch with you soon. I knew honey...” She says and looks down the hall as if looking for her long-lost grandson. “The minute I saw him I knew, and I wanted to strangle her. He hasn’t been well cared for Cal. He is two years old and he can barely talk and just now standing. He needs a Dr. and soon because he is severely malnourished and...” She pauses, and I watch as tears fall. “His head honey...”
